help me to make sense of this

This is def going to be a very long read. Thank you in advance to any curious minds that take the time to read and share insight...

I always had this idea of what my other half would be like...he would be like me, I thought. Tattoos, piercings, whatever. He would act a certain way and love a certain way. We would meet and be together happily ever after.

Then I met the person I believe is actually my other half.

It was a summer night back in 2010. Nothing special was going on. I was actually kind of crying over some stupid guy out in my drive way. I had a friend over. We were just sitting outside when this very special person came into my life.

He came walking down the road at 3am with a buddy. Turns out that friend was my next door neighbor. I layed my eyes on this boy and immediately fell in love and was fascinated by him. My friend that was with me, actually knew these two kids and introduced us.

Jacob...so that was his name.

I had never been the kind of girl to chase guys. I was actually at this point really irritated with men. I had been cheated on and lied to. My most recent ex at the time, had actually knocked another girl up and that's what I had been crying about. I was over it. I let the guys chase me. I wasn't worrying about it anymore. Then I met HIM, and everything changed.

I was instantly attracted to him in ways I can't even explain. He was beautiful to me. His soul radiated a gentle, golden heart. I was in every sense of the word, fascinated by him. I wanted his number. I wanted to hang out. I wanted to get to know him.

It was like, this is it. This is him. Gravity isn't holding me here on earth anymore, he is. He woke me up and lit a fire inside of me that has ceased to go out even 4 years later, today.

We did actually hang out the entire night. I sat next to him and he layed in my lap. I played with his hair. We cuddled and talked and laughed. Eventually he had to go and after that, I didn't see him for a few months. But I couldn't stop thinking about him, or being with him, or playing out these fantasies in my mind. He made me smile for no reason at all.

Later on, we met at school, and very very quickly hit it off. We texted at all times of the day and nught and learned more about each other. One day I was walking through the halls and saw him, and just went "hey! I'm gonna hang out with you, okay?" It was so awkward. We hung out for a couple lunch periods and said NOTHING to each other. We snuggled closely and ate and hung out, but nothing was said. And I couldn't stop smiling the whole time.

Eventually he did ask me out. And we dated for 3 months. It was very nice. He did eventually break up with me, for fear of "tainting" what we had (his words).

So we went our separate ways and I was heartbroken. I remember the exact moment I fell in love with him. The pain of the split was so bad. Deep down in my heart, I knew it wasn't right. But I tried to move on and let go anyways.

A few months later, I asked him for some of my things back and he started asking me how I was...I was shocked and kind of annoyed that he could act like nothing happened. But the more we talked, the more we reconnected. We became best friends that summer. We would ALWAYS talk and hang out. He texted me every morning on his way to school to say "good morning beautiful" and would call me every single night. You couldn't keep us apart. When we were together, it was intense. Lots of laughter and fun and sexual energy between us. Things escalated to the point of, being together, without really having a name for it. We were seeing each other, but we weren't.

One night we had our own "anti homecoming" party, just the two of us. I bought us some liquor. He ended up drinking an ENTIRE bottle of sky vodka to himself in 30 minutes flat. He opened up to me and told me exactly what i wanted to hear: "I just love you so much, and it scares me because we picked up the pieces like nothing had eve.r happened. But i love you. I love you so much."

Needless to say, he almost died that night. He was emergency rushed to the hospital and was unconscious. When he woke up, his BAC was at .47 and he had less than 60% oxygen in his body. Its a miracle he's still here.

His mom FLIPPED OUT on me and blamed me for everything. She said she would be sure that I never saw him again, and if she found us talking, she would move him away to a different state and I would never see him again. I was devasted. I didn't even know how he was doing in the hospital. He later told me he had tubes down his throat - I remember feeling the raw ache in my throat that night. I cried and prayed all night that he makes it.

He did, obviously. I snuck to his school the next day to check on him. Even the school officials were notified to look for me, so it had to be quick. He promised to try to make this work. And for a while, it did. I would hear from him every other day via email. That lasted about a month until he just dieappeared one day. I wondered why. Later he told me he just didn't want to risk it and actually had started to move on. He dated another girl during the time we didn't talk. It went on like that for five solid months.

Again, the worst pain I have ever felt. I couldn't sleep. I couldn't eat. I couldn't move. All I could do was cry. I lost a bit of myself when he left. I was a zombie. I tried so hard to make it work. I didn't want to give up. The days eventually got easier, but I still wasn't the same, and there was still a voice in me saying, "don't give up. He's the one. He'll show up on your doorstep or something."

The following valentines day, he reached out to me on tumblr. It was amazing. I dropped everything I was doing to go see him at 2am. We kissed and cried and told each other how much we missed each other, that we never stopped thinking of each other. The chemistry and love was just, there. Like it always has been. Although our time was limited. We still were not allowed to talk and his mom would be home soon. We planned to keep this a secret and to meet up occasionally until things got better.

The same morning, his mom found out, and kicked him out for it. And you know what's weird? HE SHOWED UP AT MY DOOR STEP THAT NIGHT. what's weird is, i have predicated EVERYHING, from break ups, to minor details, to events...I've predicted it all and its come true.

We have been together ever since ... Until very recently, just this last Saturday. But I'll get to that.

Our relationship has been very magical. Heavenly, really. He is my best friend. He inspires me to be a better person. We always had fun, we were always laughing, always exploring and doing something together. We were inseparable. He actually, shortly after getting kicked out, moved in with me.

We have so much in common and yet, have our differences. He finishes my sentences. He finishes mine. We say the same thing at the same time. I would pick up my phone thinking, hmm. Maybe he'll call. And there he was calling. Or I would go to text him and he would beat me to it. We were 100% ourselves with each other. We were best friends. The sex was incredible and intoxicating.

From the day I have met him, he lit a fire in me that won't go away. A little voice that always goes back to him. Everything always goes back to him and that's how its been since the day I met him.

He did cheat twice during our relationship. Once, emotionally. The other time was physical. Both times he told me immediately and was honest about the entire thing. He cut off all contact with them without me even asking. I know he's sorry for what he did. He's proved that to me. I always told myself, that if anyone ever cheats on me, that s it. I'm dine. But he breaks the rules with me. I've never been mad. Hurt, but never mad. I always just wondered, what is hurting him so badly that he would do this? He made a wrong decision, that's all. Does that make it okay? OF COURSE NOT. its disgusting and it really hurt me. But we made it work somehow. We talked it out and became stronger and moved forward

Other than that, the only problem we really have is communication. Everything has been bliss with him.

This last Saturday, he ran away...he decided to move out. We spent 4 beautiful years together and he left out of no where.

Well, not out if nowhere. I've seen him become more and more depressed and become lost in himself over the years. He has recently even become very angry and rude towards me.

He had a very rough up bringing of personal trauma that he's never totally dealt with. Physical abuse from parents, suicidal sister, his dad is a dead beat in and out of prison with a history if drug abuse, etc...he told me hes a coward and hasn't dealt with these issues. I believe it.

He has depression, period. PTSD. Anxiety. ADHD. So much is mentally wring with him. On top of that, he was stripped from a childhood and got kicked out. Was forced to drop out of school...he's really got a lot on his plate.

So when the topic of him leaving came up, I immediately knew this was something he needed to do for himself. He has taken care of me and everyone else for so long, that I think he forgot to take care of himself. He has fallen into a rut that he can't get out of and I believe that.

His words, not mine in the topic, paraphrased:
"Its so confusing because you make me so happy but sometimes I don't see this working."
"I know this isn't because I don't love you. I already know that with all my being, I love you."
"I'm not falling out of love with you, I'm not leaving for anyone else. I'm just genuinely unhappy with myself and life is too short to be unhappy."
"When I'm with you, I want to stay, when I'm away, I want to leave "
"Sometimes I wonder if we were just supposed to be really good friends."
"I feel guilty being with you when all you have done is loved me and supported me and all I can do is question us. I don't deserve your love. I've hurt you and I feel guilty knowing that I can't love you to my fullest extent."
"You deserve someone better."

We talked a lot but what it boiled down to is, he isn't happy. He's very sad and troubled. And because I love him, I let him go. I would've held on till my hands bled and broke. We planned to marry and have kids. But who am I to hold him back from the person he is supposed to become?

I know he loves me. But I know he is suffering and lost in his own mind. I let him go for his sake. To find himself. To take care of himself. It was mutual. He kissed me and hugged me a hundred times before he left and said you'll see me later.

So now here I am...very very hurt. In that zombie like state again. Trying to find the answers and praying for him.

I Have always felt he is the one. He breaks all the rules I have felt about love. Everything g with him is easy. Easy to be myself. Easy to imagine a future. I was never scared to have his kids or marry him. We've been through a lot that should've torn the average couple apart. I can't explain what I feel. But its there and it won't go away. I wish I could out it into words for you guys to understand. My love for him is truly unconditional. There isn't a thing I wouldn't do for him. I predict our future. I dream of it. I've never been wrong. It doesn't make sense. My mind wants to doubt, but through all the pain and confusion and fog, my heart is saying, 'its okay. He will be back.'

I want to believe that. There's always been a mental block for me...we have our relatio ship, and then we're getting married and having kids and its very real to me. But somewhere in between that, I've wondered, what's it gonna take for us to move forward to the next step? What's it gotta take for him to propose?

I think this is it. I think he is going to go find himself and I will work on me, and when we are ready, we will find each other again, as powerful individuals and even more powerful together. Its hard for me to understand. I would've liked him to stay. I wouldve. I think if you love someone, you don't give up or walk away. But I can't expect him to act like I would. And I can't make him live himself. That's something he us going to face on his own. He said he didn't feel like he could really work on him with me in the picture. I don't get it. But something in me is saying,its okay. This is it. You guys will find each other again, and that will be it. Engagement, marriage, kids, happily ever after. Finally, through all the trials and errors.

Through this pain and spiritual journey of my own, i ran across articles and blogs about twin flames, the stages of the relationship, the runner/chaser dynamic and it had me wondering if maybe that's what this is.

I wish I could put into words what I feel. But I have faith that something beautiful is happening and something otherworldly is going to take place between us when we meet again.

I am very distraught and in a lot of emotional and even physical pain from this. Its all so hard for me to grasp. I guess what I'm looking for is, thoughts...inspiration...stories...support and love...experiences. Just, insight. Males perspective? I don't know. I just wish I had the answers. I wish it didn't have to be this way. But I know in my heart, with how bad he was getting and how angry he was...if he had stayed, it would have ruined us. This is what was needed to really make our relationship.

We have proven EVERYONE wrong...no one can believe its over between us right now. Everyone believes we're meant for each other. We've been through a lot. My family loves him. "The brother I never had." "Like my own child " he loves my family. His family loves me now too after everything. There's so many signs that say, he's the one. So why this?? I don't get it.

Help.

I am very proud of him for finally deciding to find his true self. I have nothing but respect and love for him. I'm not even mad about any of this. I'm just extremely hurt. But I'm also happy we had the times we did together. I'm happy I could be the one to set him free. He has my blessing and I pray every day for his safe journey and for his success. I am a very firm believer that the universe responds to the thoughts and energy that you out into the world. So I send him all my positive vibes for a better him, for a better me, and for something beautiful when we come together again. I'm trying to stay hopeful and keep my faith. I know how I feel in my heart and that's this: he's the one. He and I are meant to be together but eight now isn't the time for that because we have too many personal demons we have to deal with, and that's okay. I think that if this is meant to be, it will be, and that this will be our last really painful experience together. We can inky get better from here right? I KNOW what I feel. I know I shouldn't give up on him. He needs me now more than ever. But its also hard for me to believe, when he doesn't. I don't know what to do. Back off for a bit? Give him his space? Ask him how he's doing every now and then? I don't want to lose him. I don't want him to think I'm gone. I will ALWAYS be there with open arms. I can't help it. My love for him is something I can't explain.

[Bsoul]

Phantasia, I think you did the right thing by letting go. It sounds there are many great things in store for the two of you. It's a must for both of you to work on yourselves inside. Letting go is not painless, however. If you pray, do a lot more praying. I feel very excited for you two. I wish you the best!

Thank you.

I shed tears!
I see man and woman coming together in a supportive union which is filled with love
.
A lady should not be worry. Her knight will arrive when he is ready.

Blessing to you beautiful people!

Thank you. The pain is truly unreal and I'd rather be dead. But I am very hopeful and faithful for our future. I believe this is a chance for us to let go of the old us and embrace a more mature and healthy us when the time is right.

For the time being though, it just hurts so bad.

[Bsoul]

You will thrive phantasia!

[Illuminata007]

your experience has touched me deeply. I can relate so much to what you wrote. I wish I had some information on getting past the pain but I know it gets better and you'll grow and learn about yourself, what makes YOU happy. Focus on living a full life and growing as person so that when you are reunited you have also evolved.

[Ciona]

Hi phantasia :)

I really want to applaud you for loving him enough to let him go. So many can't seem to do that, and it is hard. I struggled with it for years myself. You are very brave. :)

Your OP is asking people to help you make sense out of this, and I hope I can maybe help a little. I have been in a similar position myself, on both sides of the coin. I have been the one to leave and the one to wait. Both were killers.

I have been thinking about this a lot lately, what it all means. Your posting this right now for me is quite auspicious. I read your words, "He said he didn't really feel like he could work on him with me in the picture. I don't get it." This is the kind of thing I'm talking about.

What it seems like it may come down to, at least for me, is that we are MORE than we think we are. The universe wants us to explore that, and sometimes we can't discover what the MORE is, or how we are more, without branching out from our partner completely. Because, it's not just a matter of our partner not completing us in our evolving and unresolved state. It's a matter of our partner being more as well maybe, and them not knowing it. So we all have to go through this...in some way, shape or form. The universe is talking to you about your identity, maybe.

I think you are right to focus on working on you and sending him positive energy. It is heartbreaking, but you will always be a part of one another, no matter what you grow into. It seems your man is quite aware that there is more to him than he is able to get in touch with right now. It's not that the relationship isn't important. It's just not the most important thing. It's only part of the picture.

Anyway. I hope my ramblings are of a little help. It's so hard sometimes, I just want to give you a hug. I wish you all the love and growth in the world.