Taking comfort after a suicide

Hi all. I'm quite new to these forums, but I'm trying to work my head around things. At the weekend, a friend of mine went missing. I live across the country from him, and I found out through Facebook that he was found dead on Sunday morning. Yesterday, I found out that it was a suicide.
We both belonged to a very close-knit, international community due to our love of playing Scottish music, and I played with him in one band for a good 5 or 6 years. Everyone is completely shocked, and there are tributes filling up my newsfeed on Facebook saying how friendly he always was and how he always seemed so happy and confident.

I believe that life continues after death, and that each life holds great lessons, both for their own spirit and for those they come into contact with. Perhaps is was something that his spirit needed. One thing I think we an all take comfort in was that in this community we were both apart of, everybody - band-mates and rivals alike - are coming together to give their sincere condolences. In a sense, its brought a community of people, who were starting to drift away from each other,back together, and I wonder if maybe his spirit made that choice, to bring us all closer. I dont know.

The funeral is likely to be packed out with all the people who knew him. We've all been asked to bring our instruments to play together.

This isn't the first suicide that's happened to people around me. A few years ago, my uncle did the same. Again, it had a profound effect on our musical, and local community (since he lived in a very small town). There were too many people to fit in the church or even into the graveyard. Just last November, one of the people I went to school with also committed suicide, and I confess I became rather depressed over the winter, which at the same time felt rather selfish since his spirit made that choice. I feel like grieving over the loss may hold him back from moving on.
On the other hand, its made me realise a few things. I know from my depressed period that I couldn't commit suicide myself, since I've seen, and felt, the effects it has on the people close to them. I think I must be destined to go another way when the time comes. It also made me realise that we have a major problem with the drinking culture with Scottish musicians, and that its ok if I don't drink with them (I believe alcoholism was a big part of both my uncles depression, and why we couldn't see it. There is a fine line in sociable over-indulging with the band, and actual alcoholism, since we all drink too much, too often.) thirdly, it has made me realise just how many people out there truly do care, and how great and valuable the musical community is to be a part of.

I don't know what I'm trying to say here. I'm just trying to figure things out, and I guess, find a ibt of comfort in their passing.

[Dee47]

Originally Posted by tigereye

I feel like grieving over the loss may hold him back from moving on.

Tigereye, I'm so sorry for your loss. I lost my son to suicide 4 years ago and it was the most devastating experience of my life. Those who have not lost anyone to suicide can't understand what it's like. You have lost 3 people that way, and my heart goes out to you.

You said that you're worried that grieving will hold your loved one back from moving on. I think that the very act of suicide will hold him back from moving on for awhile. But in a way, that makes sense. He has to come to terms with what he has done. If he were to just move on without stopping to learn from his suicide, what good would that be? On the other hand, it is essential that you grieve. It's sort of like not taking someone with a broken bone to the hospital to fix it because moving the patient will hurt. Yes, it will hurt (both him and you), but the initial temporary hurt is necessary for greater healing. Your grieving may make your loved one more aware of the pain he has caused initially, but once you have healed, both of your will be better for your healing. What I'm saying here is that your healing will help him to move on. But healing is a process that you have to work at to break through to it.

The first year after my son's death was pretty awful. At first there was shock. I couldn't eat, couldn't sleep, couldn't think. I am a teacher and my son died in the spring. I had to take the last month of school off. That was followed by the summer. Because I had that time with few regular responsibilities, I was able to feel my feelings rather than have to stuff them away for later. I was able to focus on my son and the loss of my son and all that involved. I recommend that you allow yourself to feel what you feel, that you get as much support as you can, that you try to take good care of yourself in all ways, that you be gentle with yourself. If possible, try to simplify your life to give yourself the time you need to do this. It does take time.

I recommend that you get a therapist if you feel the need and that you consider joining a support group for those who have lost others to suicide. That you posted here is a wonderful way to help yourself get through this.

It's hard to feel the feelings, but I think that when you're ready, that's necessary to healing. And your healing, as I said above, will help your loved one move on.

Much love sent your way.
This is a hard road, but you are not alone.

Hi Dee47. Im sorry about your son. I've read your reply a few times now, and I understand what you're saying. Thank you.