My Dad...

[peteric]

My Dad has a terminal condition and today I went to see the doctor with him. Although tastefully done, the doctor started to talk about things like, life expectancy, palliative care, what he would want etc. etc. This was quite difficult and really made me think deeply about stuff which I'm not sure where to take it or what to do next. I am unfortunately an only child and although I have a very supportive wife, apart from her I really have no one else that I can talk to about this. I would perhaps like to chat on here about things. I fear though that I may sound like a winer, although I certainly don't wish to be. I just need to talk about stuff. Being new here though to this site I feel rather overwhelmed at times as to which part I should go to for the best. I have made a few posts by way of dipping my toe in the water so to speak, but can anyone please advise me. I would be most grateful indeed. Many Thanks.

[Tobi]

I am so sorry you are going through this. I went through it with my husband, my mother, my father, and other loved ones.

You are not a whiner. You need someone to talk with about this. It's hard, I know.
First, "death" isn't the end. I don't believe that, I know that. So what is important is that the person who is terminally-ill goes through what faces them with as much dignity and grace as can be arranged. It is important to get any ideas about palliative care, pain relief, and any other questions which may be causing fear, dealt with ahead of time, so that nothing is decided on last-minute.
To organize this all properly so things will run as smoothly as possible means facing everything completely and accepting the situation, getting all "affairs" and things sorted out, then doing everything to bring as much peace and happiness as possible into those last weeks, months....
Strangely enough, the end of life doesn't have to be hell. There can be times of great spiritual beauty, as Earthly concerns start to take a background place in the patient's consciousness, and their inner light starts to shine through. I have witnessed this.

This might be hard for you to see right now -but your Dad is going through a time of transformation. Yes, he's leaving the physical world, but there is no Death. What is very important is to give him your loving permission to transform, and to leave this world, and continue his spirit journey. This is a very real thing.

I can sense your inner calmness, and your sad acceptance, and your love. Blessings to you, and my heartfelt prayers for your father, and for you and your wife.

[Tiss]

Originally Posted by peteric

My Dad has a terminal condition and today I went to see the doctor with him. Although tastefully done, the doctor started to talk about things like, life expectancy, palliative care, what he would want etc. etc. This was quite difficult and really made me think deeply about stuff which I'm not sure where to take it or what to do next. I am unfortunately an only child and although I have a very supportive wife, apart from her I really have no one else that I can talk to about this. I would perhaps like to chat on here about things. I fear though that I may sound like a winer, although I certainly don't wish to be. I just need to talk about stuff. Being new here though to this site I feel rather overwhelmed at times as to which part I should go to for the best. I have made a few posts by way of dipping my toe in the water so to speak, but can anyone please advise me. I would be most grateful indeed. Many Thanks.

Dear peteric,

I went through it 2 years ago with my beloved husband. Tobi has been very accurate with her suggestions, so that I have not much more to add.

Perhaps I would tell you that you are very blessed with a clear consciousness of what is going on with his transition, so that I would suggest you to take this an opportunity in several ways:

First, show your Dad all the love and peace you can. Your unconditional love will fill his heart of a warm light during this time of transition. Take also advantage to share with him good memories and past moments of happiness together. Make him smile with small things, if possible.

Secondly, although his condition is terminal, he has no need to suffer. Medical science can help on it. One thing I learned during this process was that one, in certain way, has to lead the doctors to get the best from them for your Dad. Put your mind and heart in peace and listen to them and to him to know what to do.

Thirdly, try to not overwhelm him with your sorrow. Be strong and gentle. Sometimes people in his condition are more worried about their loved ones they leave behind than about themselves. Show him that you will be okay.

My prayers are going out to you both.

TISS

[Nameless]

My husband lost his father last year to Alztimers / dementia and it was very hard on him. But in front of his Dad, he showed great love and compassion, because he knew that there is great joy in the next phase of things, and his Dad was suffering so, it was a release when he went. But what was awesome and tobi and others have shared as well, is that, if you can talk about "the other side" with the person before they die, if you feel they are open to it of course, it is a healing thing for you both.

Even though my father in law had this mental condition, he was in a nursing home for a short while getting a procedure done, and they didn't expect him to live much longer, his family was around him when we got there. We waited for everyone to visit with him and were silently watching him. He was in and out of reality, and we started realizing he was on the other side and then he wasn't, then he was, and when everyone else left and we got to visit with him, because my husband and my children are all connected to the other side in our various ways, my daughter who is psychic picked up that what he was describing to us was the other side (he had difficulty speaking in normal sentences) but she asked him what it looked like, and he began describing how beautiful it was, and it sounded like he was in a field of grass, grass going on forever, and he was enjoying it and he understood in that moment that she was gay (we had never told him - he was very Catholic) and her partner was on the other side of the bed next to him, while she was across from her, and he looked from one to the other and put his hands apart and then together and said something like, you too, and smiled, and it was his blessing to her that he understood and still loved her. It was the greatest gift he could have given to her, and it made us all tear up. He was so peaceful being there.

I will never forget that.

My father in law sends my husband ants - it is a private joke between the two of them, and whispy clouds and single engine planes flying through them - and it never fails to make him cry, but he is connected to his Dad at that very moment.

So inthe midst of sadness, there can be joy too.

My condolences. Sorry if this rambled a bit. My intent was comfort in this time of sorrow. Hugs.

[Smiler]

Dear Peteric

I am thinking of you, *hug*

With in the last 24 months I have lost my sister who was diag with cancer on the 11/11/2010 she died April 14th 2011, My mum died from heart lung disease 19/3/2012. My dear friend Eileen 18/4/2012/ And two much friends loved friends since then. Dec 2012 & Jan 2013.

I Have found each and every time SF members to be full of love compassion and support, this is a great community to come too.

My sister I cared for as a Primary Carer..I found it very difficult to adjust at first to all her feelings..I wanted to do and say the right words..I found that by simply breathing deep and saying inside myself ..Please give me strength to aid my sister with love..that strength came..after seeing her I would break down and cry..each time.
I found the journey with cancer ..so difficult ..I also found the greatest love in our relationship ..At times I found frustration, worry. I got annoyed a couple of times.. I vented here on SF as well..I was confused here at times..I sought a safe spot I could talk. I did not know my grieving started on the day of diag.. Beautiful people will help by listening or sharing.

PM when ever you wish , if you want too

Blessings
:)

[Native spirit]

Hey Peteric,

I can empathise with you as can so many people here.if you want support ask your doctor to put you in toutch with someone who runs a group. you will be able to speak to others in the same position.and you help each other through,
you have your wife also lean on her for a while.i will send positive thoughts your way.

Namaste

Originally Posted by peteric

My Dad has a terminal condition and today I went to see the doctor with him. Although tastefully done, the doctor started to talk about things like, life expectancy, palliative care, what he would want etc. etc. This was quite difficult and really made me think deeply about stuff which I'm not sure where to take it or what to do next. I am unfortunately an only child and although I have a very supportive wife, apart from her I really have no one else that I can talk to about this. I would perhaps like to chat on here about things. I fear though that I may sound like a winer, although I certainly don't wish to be. I just need to talk about stuff. Being new here though to this site I feel rather overwhelmed at times as to which part I should go to for the best. I have made a few posts by way of dipping my toe in the water so to speak, but can anyone please advise me. I would be most grateful indeed. Many Thanks.

Hey, peteric. Welcome to SF. This is a good place for folks who need more than rhetoric from a materialistic world.

Please honour and go with what feelings come up for you. Please think about suspending judgement and labels on yourself, like "whiner". We do whine when we are hurting - it's natural!

I am going into the fifth month after the crossing-over of my Dad, whom I loved so very much, to dementia and chronic infections. I went numb when the doctor started talking about "comfort care" - as in, we won't do anything to "cure" him because he's beyond that, but we will do all we can to make him comfortable in what looks to be his final days on this earth.

So please take very good care of yourself. Recognize grieving and mourning, and the roller coaster of emotions this human experience of losing someone we care about can take us on. You might find yourself more tired, angry, mentally confused (forgetting things, losing a train of thought), and sorrowful in the next while. Please be gentle and compassionate with yourself as you go through this process, and don't try to rush through it or bury it, cuz doing this self-defeating things can just make the process harder.

I don't know about your rel'ship with your Dad, but he is the one who fathered you, and I am so very sorry for this difficult process you're going through. Come here to vent, consider a support bereavement group or other forms of helping if you feel stuck and/or isolated with your feelings, and let your wife take care of you if this is her way of supporting you through this time.

We'll all be thinking of you and your Dad,

Oh, and if you are the only one in your family to care for your Dad, please consider that - it could be an extra load on your shoulders that I am sure you will manage, but an extra suggestion of self care warrants! Prayers and light, Raven Poet

[Belle]

I'm so sorry to hear that. It's a very transition to watch, and experience.

There are a lot of organisations that will be able to help you in many respects and also there will be people here who can share their experiences and offer support.

I haven't got much to add to what everyone has already said.
I lost my husband to cancer 7 years ago.
The other side of it is they do go to a wonderful place once they have made their transition and there is always some one there waiting to meet them.

A week before he passed over,I was visiting him in hospital. He kept telling me he wasn't in bed. Pointing to the far corner of the ward he said 'I'm over there'.
I couldn't understand it. Then remembered he had a twin brother who has been in spirit for a long time. His brother was waiting for him....
They are never alone....Deepsea