Does anyone else really love to be alone?

Lucky · #1 07-09-2019, 08:14 PM

Maybe it's just me or maybe it's an energy thing but I truly love being alone. I spend the majority of my days alone and I don't feel lonely at all. My family understands this and they respect my boundaries and personal space, and the few people I call my best friends have been my friends for life and they too understand and respect me. My husband understands.

However, lately I've noticed a pattern that I have been attracting very clingy needy people over the past couple years. Most of them have moved away or went on with their lives but for the past year I have a neighbor who, despite me gently telling her several times where my boundaries lie, she continues to invade them.

I live in an apartment community and I'm friendly to everyone. I say hi to neighbors and of course it leads to conversation sometimes and I make new friends. The neighbor I'm referring to is around my age and we became pretty close friends, but it was due to her always reaching out to me. It has gotten to the point where she texts me at least 3 or 4 times a day to meet her outside for a chat. Most of the time I feel obligated so after her third attempt I will meet her once a day but even that feels too much for me. Recently I had to reiterate to her once again that I need time alone and I like my space. She has still texted me every day since me telling her, but she scaled back to once or twice a day.

At this point I feel like I have to be mean to get my point across to her because she's not getting it. Even my husband is baffled and starting to get annoyed. Is this a test of me reinforcing my boundaries or just another case of someone clingy who just doesn't get it? I'm getting really angry and bothered by this because I still have to live here in the community and I don't need any drama or awkwardness. At this point I am completely turned off by her and could totally do without the friendship.

olhosdeamendoa · #2 08-09-2019, 09:40 AM

As an empath, I am totally like that. I need my alone time as air to breathe, and have recently broken up with a boyfriend that didn't understand or respected that.

He was clingy and needy and insecure and wanted to be together ALL the time, which for me doesn't work. When I asked him for alone time (and even explained why), he played a big tantrum and made me feel weird for being who I am. He is out of my life now.

So, please do protect your energy. That comes first. Your well-being comes first, before anyone else's needs and wants.

You have the option of just ignore the other person that is crossing your boundaries, or simply tell them you're done. Or you can do both.

Your time and energy is too precious to waste with someone who is draining you.

Lucky · #3 08-09-2019, 05:47 PM

Thank you for your reply. I totally understand that feeling of people making you feel weird for being who you are. Some people just don't get it.

FairyCrystal · #4 08-09-2019, 06:35 PM

Might be good to look at what has changed about your energy and how you feel that caused you to begin attracting clingy people. Might take a bit of time, but if you want to you will find it.

As for this person, it sounds like you invade your own boundaries with this? You keep reacting and responding and going out, even though it annoys you. Why not simply mute her, not respond when she messages and certainly not go out. Don't read the messages either if you happen to notice them but it doesn't suit you at that time.
Or once text something like "I can't right now, I'm busy" or "I can't, I'm having my downtime." Something along those veins, without a "sorry" cos you have nothing to feel sorry about.
If you want people to respect your boundaries you got to do the same with your boundaries.

Lucky · #5 08-09-2019, 07:57 PM

I understand your points. She did become sort of a friend but as soon as it became clear she needed me more than I needed her I started to back off. I've said ALL of those things you suggested to her countless times, exactly those words without adding a "sorry" so I feel I was firm. I didn't want to cut off the friendship completely, only because I still have to see her around the community but clearly she's not getting the hint even after I told her directly that I really need my alone time.

In a face to face conversation she even acknowledged what I said by replying "ok, from now on you text me, I won't text you" and I said "ok"...but since that conversation she has still texted me once or twice every day saying "I'm going outside if you want to join" like she's giving me the option in case I've changed my mind about wanting alone time. I have her on mute on my phone so that kills the alert but still I can see her text when I look at my phone. It's obnoxious at this point and I'm repulsed.

I suppose if I have to be mean at this point I will.

ocean breeze · #6 09-09-2019, 02:32 AM

I concur with FairyCrystal. Its best to completely ignore her even if it comes off as mean and rude.

One of the benefits of being a loner with an unappealing persona is i don't get in situations like this.

As for the thread title. Being alone is not really a love thing for me. More like a preference as oppose to the opposite which i've learned to see the benefits of and greatly appreciate.

kundalinikid · #7 09-09-2019, 02:42 AM

Nnevermind

TheMotherKnowsAll · #8 10-09-2019, 12:49 AM

I totally love to be on my own. I have a family, but getting time to myself is both lovely and crucial. I need it to wind down, regroup, think my own thoughts, rest, heal, a million other things. Sometimes the world is sooooo noisy! I get where you are coming from with your post. I know someone (OK, it is my husband) that talks constantly, reads me the internet, rewinds tv shows and makes me watch parts again, shows me funny memes, etc, all the time. Sometimes I can hear the inner me screaming SHUTUPSHUTUPSHUTUP! But.... I just plan time for myself later. As much as I feel the need for solitude and silence I guess he feels the need to share. It takes work, but we find a balance somehow. (But I still think about screaming sometimes)

#9 10-09-2019, 03:56 AM

I think this is the famous Canadian culture at play - too scared to offend, passive aggressive stuff comes up as a result.

And maybe yes you need to have a real conversation but try to remember she thought you liked it too.

MargaretSmith · #10 10-09-2019, 01:13 PM

There's nothing wrong when setting boundaries. I love also being alone, my family gets it and they don't call me out of it bcoz they respect my alone time. My friends used to tell that I always spend time at home and never outside, but I don't like putting myself out there when I don't feel like it. So, it's okay. It's just that there are people who are so blind and naive to get it. Just find ways to ease your situation like if you are both chatting, say something that would kill/end the conversation, maybe something weird or something she's not interested. Goodluck!