Why Someone Very Close to Me Makes Me Feel Defenseless, Vulnerable and Depressive?

[Windbreeze]

Hello guys,

I am what you know as one of today's stereotype. Someone who's older but still living in his basement. I will get vulnerable here and say what I wouldn't say about myself normally because it makes me feel ashamed:


- I don't have significant other
- I don't have car
- I don't have driver's license
- I don't have mortgage payment
- I feel like my life is wasted because in my age many do have what I mentioned above
- I am male, 34 years old
- Still live with my mom

I am self-employed since 2009 but am not successful to make a living out of it to improve my quality of life and get myself out of ****ty place. I was hoping to establish business that would at least help me to live in a better place and afford better living conditions but it seems nothing came good out of that hoping. A few years I felt great and thought things took care of themselves but it seems I fell back where I started.

Majority of life is without changes and when negative things happen, I get to say that nothing good in my life happens. Occasionally there are but not enough to tip the scale towards being optimistic about life. My life feels like dysfunctional life, I have depression, I am bipolar and very sensitive to negativity of other people that I try to avoid encounters when I can. I especially am very sensitive when something happens to my closed ones like my mom which is the subject that I created this thread about.

Whenever something negative happens to my mom, I feel emotions she feels. When she is disappointed to the point of crying or when she feels pain I feel like my soul tears apart inside me. I can't control it and at this point thing get down the spiral. My self-worth goes down, I get very vulnerable, I get anxious, I get panic attacks, I can't comprehend what other people tell me as if their words fly through my head, everything mixes up in my head, I can't articulate myself as if I forgot the language and it gets worse. I get depression and suicidal... I can't live with thought that I still have (how many? 50 years?) left to live on this planet and experience those things. I am tired of these emotional ups and downs. It's not normal.

I am also very receptive of her behavior, critique and judgments of me if there is something that I did wrong. Why I feel so strong about my mom? Is it because I have been living so long with here that strong bond was created or she is my soul mate? I feel like I don't have a life and I feel like I want to forget my current life, get somewhere far away and start a new.

My mom is old and requires my help often when it comes to translate for her since she does not know the local language, go to places that require knowledge of language be it clinic or hospital to help her navigate through etc. It's hard to get caregiver eligibility here and I wish she would have a good one who would look over her.

I don't have intuition to tell me where I should dig and which direction should I take in life. I wanted to know your thoughts guys. Thanks!

[Dude]

Hi windbreeze...

First let me just rephrase your list!

You have freedom, have not rushed into committing to the wrong person, the world is pretty much your oyster as you have no commitments to concider

You finances aren’t being drained by having a car and the environment benefits from you using public transport, walking/ cycling etc. You also have the benefit of being able to actually take things in on your journeys... people go on wonderful drives and all they see is roads and cars, you get to take it in and enjoy the beauty around you

Neither do I and I’m older than you! It works well for me!

Ok so again no drains on finances, nothing tiying you down, I’m seeing a lot of things some would be quite envious of here!

Your only 34... be very careful about saying that’s old when I’m 2 years older!! :) It’s very easy to look at what others choose to show and think everybody is happy with a perfect life but that really isn’t the case! I’m sure some of those people will be envious of your life!

Your not alone and you have company! Even though being a career for someone or having someone dependent on you is very draining long term, it can affect relationships unfortunately but that’s quite natural. It’s a shame she can not get a career to give you a break, but don’t give up on trying. In the meantime you need to work on allowing yourself some me time.

I don’t mean any of that in an offensive way just how I see your list- none of that is shameful!

Now personally I think you should think about what little things you can do now to make things a bit easier. How do you feel about your business? Would it be better to get a new job if that paid more and was less stressful? Would the doctors be able to help with depression? Or would socialising more help? Getting out more for a change of scenery?

It’s wonderful your caring for your mom but you need to make sure your getting some balance and your taking the time to care for yourself too. I wonder what would happen if you didn’t go to an appointment with her- would they arrange for an interpreter? I have seen telephone ones used before here if there is nobody to translate. Maybe think about prioritising appointments and try missing a few of the less important ones and see how it goes. Maybe talk to the hospital and see what services they have to make appointments accessable, each country is different but there may even be help she can get with transport, you never know. Sometimes they don’t shout about these things as it’s cheaper and easier if people sort it themselves!

I think if you focus on yourself a little more and your own needs that would help quite a bit :)

[prasannatrust]

Defensiveness makes it hard to be honest with yourself. ... When someone is very black and white in their thinking and feeling, it is another way of being ... It's all about “I don't want to think about the bad parts of me and I really don't want to hear about it .

[happy soul]

Windbreeze,

Don't see your situation as 'bad'. Everything is as it should be. Your life is perfect the way it is.

When you have that perspective, healing happens. Things change. Doors open.

It's the law of attraction. When you see the situation as perfect, when you know that nothing is wrong, then solutions reveal themselves.

It's sounds like you have a great relationship with your mom. If you feel ashamed, or if you find fault with your relationship with her, love her more. Love her more.

Know that everything is okay. God is in control of your life. Everything is in divine order. When you see it this way, your life changes for the better.