Not sure what to do

[AnneC2013]

My mother in law is ruining my marriage and my husband is ok with it. We live with her and his his father. We have two children. We was working on one more but I’m way too stressed out to think of another baby although I really want one more.. my husband doesn’t want to move out. She talks to my badly infront of my kids but I’m suppose to respect her?? I am usually quiet and respectful but she’s too much. Tells me what to do as I am already doing it, constantly complains, goes through my room when I’m not home, degrades me, causes fights between my husband and I, tells everyone I’m a *****, even accused me of sleeping with her husband which I never did but she cheated on her husband and is not saying anything to make her self seem so good. I really tried to form a bond with my mother in law and I still try to get along for the sake of my children. But it’s causing so much stress. I took care of her when she had cancer no one else was there for her. I don’t want anything except peace and for my husband to find his balls. I pleaded with him for us to move out I even suggested a divorce. I’m not happy my children arent happy. My husband is happy with his mother. I feel very disrespect, betrayed, very unloved. She thinks I blew her cover for cheating it wasn’t me it was my husband. She said I have to respect her she’s my mother in law and while degrading me and accusing me I stood up for myself and respectfully told her to stop and stop lying about me esspecially in front of my children..she told me she never liked me and will never like me and out of anger I said I don’t care. After while removing my kids from the situation I asked her is there anything else u need from me and she said no. I don’t like she does this infront of my kids. They don’t like her I didn’t want them to feel that way towards her but how can I make my kids respect her if she’s constsntly disrespecting me and how to I get my husband to find his balls unless I let this marriage go??
He saids he loves me and I’m a good wife and mother but it seems like he doesn’t love me to allow his mom to do these things to me. This is affecting my health also. Any ideas or insight or reading anything is greatly appreciated. I’m trying my best to be calm and centered and respectful.

[Raziel]

Originally Posted by AnneC2013

My mother in law is ruining my marriage and my husband is ok with it. We live with her and his his father. We have two children. We was working on one more but I’m way too stressed out to think of another baby although I really want one more.. my husband doesn’t want to move out. She talks to my badly infront of my kids but I’m suppose to respect her?? I am usually quiet and respectful but she’s too much. Tells me what to do as I am already doing it, constantly complains, goes through my room when I’m not home, degrades me, causes fights between my husband and I, tells everyone I’m a *****, even accused me of sleeping with her husband which I never did but she cheated on her husband and is not saying anything to make her self seem so good. I really tried to form a bond with my mother in law and I still try to get along for the sake of my children. But it’s causing so much stress. I took care of her when she had cancer no one else was there for her. I don’t want anything except peace and for my husband to find his balls. I pleaded with him for us to move out I even suggested a divorce. I’m not happy my children arent happy. My husband is happy with his mother. I feel very disrespect, betrayed, very unloved. She thinks I blew her cover for cheating it wasn’t me it was my husband. She said I have to respect her she’s my mother in law and while degrading me and accusing me I stood up for myself and respectfully told her to stop and stop lying about me esspecially in front of my children..she told me she never liked me and will never like me and out of anger I said I don’t care. After while removing my kids from the situation I asked her is there anything else u need from me and she said no. I don’t like she does this infront of my kids. They don’t like her I didn’t want them to feel that way towards her but how can I make my kids respect her if she’s constsntly disrespecting me and how to I get my husband to find his balls unless I let this marriage go??
He saids he loves me and I’m a good wife and mother but it seems like he doesn’t love me to allow his mom to do these things to me. This is affecting my health also. Any ideas or insight or reading anything is greatly appreciated. I’m trying my best to be calm and centered and respectful.

You need space simple as that.

Whilst your in her space she feels confident enough to exert power over you.

My father in law was treated like a revered king, he always dictated everything that should be done. When I went to visit his daughter I was expected to sit & listen to him & he would call & tell her to come home if we were out during the day.

One day I lost my voice & on the same day he approached me for no reason at all & said if I ever hit his daughter he'd kill me.

All I could do is point to my throat.

From that day forward I made sure I never did anything that pleased him, I made plans that went against his wishes & always rejected his ideas politely. You can become very inventive in creating situations that make them squirm provided that you maintain a saint like attitude - it becomes really amusing.

Even petty things like throwing away one shoe .. if they are going to overreact all of the time anyway it may as well be entertaining.

When his daughter became my fiancé I didn't seek his permission to ask her to marry me ...

Once my fiancé & I moved in together he would drop in unannounced, often I'd not answer the door or we'd go out during that period.

Once you can get some distance you can control the interaction a bit more. I looked at him as a monster trying to consume me & I became a monster slayer.

She'll begin to act nicer toward you once your away from her but never let your guard down.

The father in law has mellowed over 16 years but I'm always aware that a bully craves power - she sounds the same.

Your husband is stuck in the middle, she's had years to understand how to manipulate him so she'll do it all the time.

Move out - stay safe but move anywhere that is not with her.

Even a one room apartment is more liberating than anything involving her.

.

^^^ Inclined to agree although it's more difficult for a woman and mum to get away with mischief (nice mischief, fun, as you say) depending for what AnneC2013 relies on with her mum in law.
.
Dictatorial in-laws often feature in matrimonial jokes.

However, were I a mum I wouldn't stand for a mother in law talking me down in front of my kids. That has to stop. She has to be told in a calm and determined way. If the kids are unhappy then it's time she gave her husband an ultimatum. Time for him to be told his duty is toward Anne and their children.

Time to be told he has to break away from mama's apron and get independent.
Crikey, if he's of the same age how-on-earth long does he want to go on living with his parents?

It may be difficult but breaking away is the only answer. The woman isn't likely to change any time soon.
AnneC2013 - you may have to be very brave and put your foot down on this. AND...if hubby doesn't act in a reasonable time, make plans to move out.

I have met guys in their 30s still tied to mummy's apron strings. I wouldn't give them the time of day.

Good luck

[AnneC2013]

If I knew it would had been this way I would had never married him. He promised after we married we would stay 1 year and move out now he claims not to say this to me.. he so worried about making her upset I’m not telling him to be disrespectful to her but I’m his wife of 5 years she is a bully. He tells me I have to deal with it and no I don’t have too.. I want to leave I am wanting a divorce because I feel this will never change..

[AnneC2013]

We been married for 5 years he doesn’t want to move

[Nature Grows]

Originally Posted by AnneC2013

We been married for 5 years he doesn’t want to move

Hello AnneC2013, have you tried convincing him to move out with you and your kids? instead of just saying you want to move out maybe show him some nice places you guys could move too? maybe there is a place kinda close by so if he wants he could come say hello to his mother if he wanted to every now an then as well? You show him what to do, you know?

It's also possible his mother is acting this way to you so that you guys do get out of the house, she may not really want you, her son and the child there anymore maybe.

Originally Posted by AnneC2013

If I knew it would had been this way I would had never married him. He promised after we married we would stay 1 year and move out now he claims not to say this to me.. he so worried about making her upset I’m not telling him to be disrespectful to her but I’m his wife of 5 years she is a bully. He tells me I have to deal with it and no I don’t have too.. I want to leave I am wanting a divorce because I feel this will never change..

Yes he has kids and has a wife it does seem a little odd that he thinks he can still stay with his parents for a long time after that, especially if it's causing drama as well. However i do know one couple who has a kid and they still live with the guys parents and it seems fine, they have been there for maybe five years together, it depends on the family's i suppose, there was another couple i know that lived with the guys parents for a while with there kids while they where saving money, they then moved out.

Theres a man i know as well, he an his wife had three daughters, they eventually all got boy friends and moved out with them, the man was like "well thats it all the kids have moved out".. but then all his daughters split up with there boy friends and came back home to him an his wife with two or three babies each. This man and his wife have also adopted some of the babies legally as there own.

So your not the only one but if the woman is unreasonable and keeps giving you drama, in front of the kids and stuff and your boyfriend won't help you or even try resolve the situation, what to do? stay in this situation or try find a better one. It does sound unpleasant though, all the best Anne.

Originally Posted by AnneC2013

If I knew it would had been this way I would had never married him. He promised after we married we would stay 1 year and move out now he claims not to say this to me.. he so worried about making her upset I’m not telling him to be disrespectful to her but I’m his wife of 5 years she is a bully. He tells me I have to deal with it and no I don’t have too.. I want to leave I am wanting a divorce because I feel this will never change..

From what you're saying you may have to force some action, unless you want to live under these conditions forever. He does seemed tied to his mother's apron strings. He says you have to deal with it? WHAT?
He's siding with his mama over his wife?

Yes, deal with it! Explore the idea of divorce proceedings. When he freaks out tell him you married him not his mother and it seems the only solution is to leave. You don't want to suffer this all your life. He needs something to jog him into realising it isn't right. What does he want - his family (of which his mum is still a part but not running your show) or his mum?

It's going to be awkward but worth it in the long run for your happiness and the good of your kids. Leaving may be difficult but maybe the threat of divorce brings him to his senses. And if the mother tries to poke her nose in on that, I fear that you'll have to tell her to mind her own business.

You're entitled to happiness and fulfilment with your family, not anguish and annoyance. Besides, you're a Leo. You bring light into the world, not hide behind a cloud. ☼ ☼ ☼

[AnneC2013]

He allows her to run the show and she has so much say so over everything it drives me inane. Even when I put boundaries she argues with me everything has to be her way.. when I first moved in years ago she gave some drama and then things was fine up until 2 years ago.. but yes it is too much drama and I do see myself going with a divorce..

[AnneC2013]

Thankyou everyone for the replies and advice and thankyou all who reads this

[innerlight]

It sounds to me that you are dealing with a narcissist. I don't know if you are familiar with them or not. They are toxic and negative people. Who have a way to manipulate people for their own ends. They prey on those people who they manipulate, and they need them. Keeping them, and their energy for around. They are like psychic vampires. They are dependent on other people. As they have a strong need for them. They lie and twist the truth for their own gain. They themselves no longer know the truth, they have lied so much, they lie is all they know. They have to lie to themselves to get through their days. They will turn people against you, and make you out to be the crazy one so you question your sanity. They will work to break you down to join them in the depths of their depravity.

I have dated one, and it did not end well for me. I got up out of there, and ran far from them. I say them, because there isn't usually one. It's going to me more in the family that created it. As was the case for them. I was in the same place you were. Where I was disrespected by her family. And she would do nothing about it. Because she too couldn't leave it, and be done from it. While she was moved out in her own place. She was still very much under her mother's control. Where they are on the phone with each constantly. Even if she just left there. She'd had to drop calls with me, whenever they would call. That call was always deemed as urgent, and could be an emergency. It is a very co-dependent relationship with a narcissist. She was very much like her mother. Who also was a narcissist. As was her sisters. And other relatives.

They take you down to a dark, dark place, and eventually you stop being who you are, and end up like them. Luckily we were not married, and had no kids. So it was easier to be done from it.

For you, it's not so easy. As a spouse and the mother of his kids, your husband should respect your feelings, and your wishes. You are his partner after all. And it is your life that you are creating together. And he needs to understand it. And be on board with it. Will his mother ever stop? Probably not. Depending on her age, she is probably not likely to change. for she probably doesn't even see that she does anything "wrong" in her eyes. Most narcissists love to play the victim game.

When she does this in front of your kids it's sending the message to your kids that this is the way to treat you, and other people, and that's not OK. It's creating a vicious self fulling world. And is something that you and your husband need to address with your mother. Trying to do this all alone, will probably not get you far. This is someone who's lived with this his whole life, and is normal. You will probably need outside help with this. Such as a therapist. Otherwise this may be something you don't win, and it ends up in divorce.