Friendship rift

[Grace222]

I am recovering from an awful conversation with a friend (dare I say she is at the moment? - and do I want her to be?). It stemmed from my pulling away due to being upset and concerned about being respected. Granted I can take responsibility of not handling the matter directly, but I felt I had communicated and was left hanging and was waiting for her to communicate back (I know - ego-based fearful thinking on my part). In the absence of a reply, I drew away and just decided I wasn't going to attend the party of a mutual friend. She then initiated talking, but I asked to talk the day after the party. I really did not feel trying to patch things to just go to a party was going to be a good idea. So we talked the next day. One of us talked. The other was yelling. I had to intermittently growl "Don't yell at me" - "Don't talk over me" - "Don't put words in my mouth". So, yes, it was awful. It certainly didn't serve to counter my concerns of being treated in a respectful manner. And at this point, I want to just cut her loose. She's wonderful when she's nice, but terrible and a bully when she's not. The catch is unfortunately that we live in the same neighborhood and our kids play together. So I feel I have to somewhat be on good/civil terms with her. Anyway, likely no easy answers. Maybe the resolution is something I have to live into. It just feels better typing this out.

[Baile]

Originally Posted by Grace222

So we talked the next day. One of us talked. The other was yelling. I had to intermittently growl "Don't yell at me" - "Don't talk over me" - "Don't put words in my mouth". So, yes, it was awful. It certainly didn't serve to counter my concerns of being treated in a respectful manner. And at this point, I want to just cut her loose. She's wonderful when she's nice, but terrible and a bully when she's not.

I had a very similar experience with a childhood friend. We were in our 40s. Had a disagreement. I sat there, in his house, quietly listening while he berated me for this, that and the other thing. I expect more of people, and certainly someone I've known for close to 4 decades. I expect people to be able to converse and express their grievances without resorting to childish yelling. I don't engage people who can't understand that simple concept. So I didn't argue, said nothing, then got up and left. Never spoke to him again, and that was 15 years ago.

That's life sometimes. And yes, living in close proximity complicates things, that's something I didn't have to deal with. I suppose in that situation I would say Hi and smile when seeing them around the neighborhood, but nothing more than that. A smile can be sincere without having to be chummy.

[Grace222]

Baile,

Thank you for sharing that. It did help ease my mind and the pain. You reinforced that I did deserve a more respectful conversation. Thank you. :)

Originally Posted by Baile

I had a very similar experience with a childhood friend. We were in our 40s. Had a disagreement. I sat there, in his house, quietly listening while he berated me for this, that and the other thing. I expect more of people, and certainly someone I've known for close to 4 decades. I expect people to be able to converse and express their grievances without resorting to childish yelling. I don't engage people who can't understand that simple concept. So I didn't argue, said nothing, then got up and left. Never spoke to him again, and that was 15 years ago.

That's life sometimes. And yes, living in close proximity complicates things, that's something I didn't have to deal with. I suppose in that situation I would say Hi and smile when seeing them around the neighborhood, but nothing more than that. A smile can be sincere without having to be chummy.

You know what you have to do.

I wouldn't even call a person like that a friend. Let her go, blank her out. Treat her with a poker face if she tries to patch it up. People who blow hot and cold are too unpredictable to be real friends.... like, can you depend on her for support? Does she appreciate your presence in her life? Is she reliable? Are you happier when with her than you are without? Is she approximately your same age?

Is it just possible that its a female trouble...you know...?

I do have differences with friends - some, long term - but wouldn't put up with being shouted at.
♥

[Baile]

Originally Posted by Grace222

I did deserve a more respectful conversation.

Learning that has been one of my great karmic life lessons in this incarnation. If it's disrespectful, it's the antithesis of healthy. I've learned to choose healthy. For my spiritual growth, and equally important for my mental, emotional and physical well being.

[CrystalSong]

I hear you Grace222 and recently let a friend go too. Similar scenario. Our social circles crass a lot and me no longer wanting to be associated with her ended a monthly Ladies Luncheon.

It happened on an overnight out of town trip, three of us right around election time, but before Bernie Sanders was driven out. She was a strong supporter of Hilary, I didn't want to talk politics at all and repeatedly requested we stay away from religion and politics and keep our weekend high vibrations.
Once started she couldn't stop, had no self control or ability to self monitor and despite leaving the room, she reattacked, I left the house went for a walk in the mountains, returned and she started up again. It ended with me screaming "Leave me alone! Can't you hear I've asked 20 times for this subject to change?" The third person was in shell shock unsure how to handle it without choosing sides.
She wasn't capable of stopping, so after that trip I don't contact her, when she contacts me I'm pleasant but detached and non-committing to events together. I'm in 'distancing-mode' with her, I no longer desire her in my life but also don't desire the scene it would cause to say that to her.

She taught me she's not a friend, she's an emotional outburst waiting to happen on whatever subject she feels strongly about and the subject is more important to her than preserving friendship.

If we stayed friends I would eventually have compassion or understanding for her outbursts and passionate displays of opinion delivered as gospel, justify them in some way, make excuses for her.... and that's just a small step from becoming like her without even being aware of it.

Friends have your back - they don't do frontal attacks.

[Silver]

You may never know how (relatively) satisfying it can be, to remain calm when someone's up in your face. No matter who's doing the yelling or ranting, it's all just reaction. It's blustery and totally empty but we do it because we don't know any other way...until we catch on. Lots of people look down their noses at people who don't yell, rant and rave back. They treat it like it's equal to being a door mat or a wimp, but it's not.

Your kids play together so it's not likely that you'll be able to cut off the relationship altogether - right? What do you think is an improved way of handling it when you and your kids and her and her kids end up together in the same spaces?

[Grace222]

Thank you all! It was very healing to read your words and what you shared.

This morning while looking through my FB feed, I saw a post about the book "When God Winks" describing signs/synchronicity (I have read and really liked this book) and just below that an article titled "Have the Courage to Walk Alone". So I definitely feel I've received my message from the universe.

http://www.purposefairy.com/6696/hav...to-walk-alone/

I don't know how it will be exactly going forward. Her son hasn't been by since. Fortunately my son has a friend across the street he plays with as well. I do hold hope that some new kind of balance sets in that is good for all of us. I will nod and wave if we happen to run into each other. But I believe that a crossroads is here, and I am meant to release this friendship.

[Grace222]

Update: Her son came by to play. I'm glad he did. Just hoping I am able to maintain this for my son and hers while having peace for myself.

[CrystalSong]

How wonderful, I think you are in a good place now and will get your wish. :)