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Go Back   Spiritual Forums > Spirituality & Beliefs > Love & Relationships -Friends and Family

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  #21  
Old 19-10-2018, 02:54 AM
inavalan inavalan is offline
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Join Date: Oct 2017
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Winter Song
You're not wrong, but I'm going to play Devil's Advocate for a moment.

Why would she say something like this?! It's rude and uncalled for, and none of her business.

People are rarely unpleasant for no reason; when they are, there is some unaddressed inner struggle at work behind the scenes. It's often easy to identify what that struggle is by turning the accusations and insults around, or inside out.

My guess is that she's tired and frustrated at having to "bust her butt" and work hard. Even if she makes a comfortable salary, perhaps she feels that it just isn't enough in return for all her time and effort. That's an incredibly common feeling; I've been there myself, and maybe you have, too.

Perhaps she wishes she could just take a break from work for a while so she can relax and take it easy, and has decided she can't because she might not be able to get a decent job again, or that people will think of her as a lazy deadbeat for doing so. Perhaps it's as simple as not having the money set aside to take any time off, too many bills, and too much debt. Plus, the government keeps taking a big chunk out of every paycheck...

Virtually everybody I've encountered who froths at the mouth (or keyboard) about recipients of public assistance is having their own work and/or money struggle (whether they are open about it or not), and they're tired. They feel like they're on a treadmill, with no chance to just stop and rest, enjoy life, and know they are financially secure. Many of them fear that they'll never be able to stop, that they won't get to retire at all, or will be impoverished when they do. So that there are people who seemingly don't have to work at all, and the government pays for their leisure by taking money to do so from their paycheck, really grinds their gears. It can seem incredibly unfair, especially when balanced atop all the other unfairnesses in life.

Thus, as tired, stressed, unhappy people too often do, they snap on occasion, because all of those pent-up negative feelings have got to find release somehow, and blowing up at a "safe" target is one of those means of release. Is it inappropriate? Sure. Is it personal? NO. Is it unhealthy, both for them and their relationships? Absolutely. Do they feel better afterwards? Maybe in the immediate aftermath they do, but once they realize they've made a fool of themselves, no.

Even after clearing the air she may still be envious of the fact that you don't have to work, and got an inheritance, and get to go to concerts, so if I were in your position I'd be pleasant, but still keep a distance. It's okay to recognize that another is having an inner struggle, while also recognizing that it is beyond your ability to fix it, and not your place to bring the subject up.

So what do you do? If I may recommend something, it's to look at what thoughts and feelings came up in you during this incident, and how they might reflect your own inner struggles, doubts and insecurities, and then address them. Maybe there is some nagging, neglected thing in you that needs some attention, that this encounter has briefly brought into the light. Well, drag it out and have a look at it. Look at whatever bad ideas about yourself you've been lugging around, unacknowledged and unexpressed, and ask yourself, "Are these true at all? If not, why am I still lugging this around? If there is some truth there, what can I do to either remedy it, or feel better about the fact of its existence?"

Obviously well thought ...

On the other hand, there are plenty of obnoxious people, whose words and / or behavior aren't worth a second thought.

Also. we can't, and shouldn't, self analyze after each hurt somebody inflicts on us. That would attract more hurt on us, and undermine our self-confidence.

These days "social media" 's impact is out of control. People and situations are judged without due process. Misinformation is spread. Elementary courtesy is almost extinct. It also became a widespread addiction.
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  #22  
Old 19-10-2018, 03:15 AM
Anne Anne is offline
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I think the only reason her reaction bothered me is because it is a pet peeve of mine when people don't understand me. I don't want people having a false idea of me or how I live. I simply didn't want her to think I'm a freeloader.

Wise words from Winter Song and inavalan.

It occurred to me while reading this thread that her trigger was possibly envy of your friendship with her spouse.
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  #23  
Old 19-10-2018, 08:13 PM
AstraeaLunaAvani AstraeaLunaAvani is offline
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Join Date: Feb 2011
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Anne
It occurred to me while reading this thread that her trigger was possibly envy of your friendship with her spouse.

She has no reason to be envious, I knew him for 5 years before he even met her. And they live 4 hours away from me, I haven't even seen them in 5 years. Her husband (my friend) rarely even talks to me on FB, he might comment on something maybe once a year.
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  #24  
Old 20-10-2018, 02:22 AM
Shivani Devi Shivani Devi is offline
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Quote:
Originally Posted by AstraeaLunaAvani
I just had a friend post something on my FB page about how she busts her butt working hard and pays into government programs that support people who can't work, and she said I should get a job because I am probably living off these programs so I can go to concerts all the time when I am capable of working.

1) She has no idea if i'm capable of working, I am actually in therapy right now because working causes me anxiety and depression.

2) I am not living off the government, I am living off my savings and an inheritance.

3) I have busted my butt working for more years than she's been alive, at one point I even worked 12 hours every day without a day off for 6 weeks at a time! I think I deserve a few months off to enjoy life for once.

UGH! Am I wrong for being upset about this?
I cannot have friends or a job, because I won't let myself be controlled by anybody and I also won't let anybody tell me what to do, when to do or how to do...I have even been known to become resentful so much, that I become physically violent and so, I stay away from other people as much as I can.

I believe that comes from overcontrolling and overdominating parents, who always used to hover over/around me like a helicopter, watching everything I do and as soon as I put a foot wrong, spoke out of turn, I was whipped over and over so I could not sit or lay down.

I have developed a few 'tricks' though...and one of them is the mantra "thank you for your concern...I will consider it" even though you have NO intention of doing so...at least you have acknowledged their blatant and unwanted intrusion into your privacy and basically said "leave it with me"...and this can be extended indefinitely and ignorance can be prolonged for as long as you like it by simply saying "I am still looking into it, but thanks"...eventually, your friend will either shut up or go away forever and both of those scenarios are preferrable.

Even when my family wants me to do them a favour now, they know that if I am doing something for another out of the goodness of my heart, the other person does NOT get to dictate the terms...because that is called "being used" and so I say right at the outset..."my offer of assistance is totally conditional in that I get to decide when and how to do that favour for you"..and that is usually met with "don't bother...thanks for nothing" which means they were contemplating totally using and abusing me. ;)

I have found that I am better off without friends because I am unfettered, unlimited and totally free and my own mental illness makes it totally impossible for me to be able put up with other people's s*** for even a second anyway.
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  #25  
Old 20-10-2018, 03:36 AM
Shivani Devi Shivani Devi is offline
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I will also let you in on a little secret...

Even though you are not living off welfare, the discrimination shown by those who work, against those who are sick/unemployed and receiving benefits is caused by jealousy nothing more and nothing less. They can deny this as much as they like, but it is true.

They are jealous that they have to work for money, while another is 'sitting on their bum' and getting paid...and I used to receive a LOT of this discrimination until I said;

"I am SO sorry that you don't qualify for welfare payments yourself so you HAVE to work, but please don't take that out on me".

What usually follows, is the other person questioning my sanity and never talking to me again...see? it is win/win.

Quote:
I think the only reason her reaction bothered me is because it is a pet peeve of mine when people don't understand me. I don't want people having a false idea of me or how I live. I simply didn't want her to think I'm a freeloader.
By the way, you can't change what a person thinks about you if they have already made up their mind, so you learn not to care. She probably already thinks you are a 'freeloader' and nothing you can do/say will ever change that...she is also obviously snobbing you, using her financial status and position as a method to vampire your energy...it is one of the reasons why people like to save and buy the best of everything...a new 4WD, a Merc, a 6 bedroom, double story house etc...so they can get to lord it over those who are less well off for a huge ego boost.
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  #26  
Old 20-10-2018, 08:19 AM
AstraeaLunaAvani AstraeaLunaAvani is offline
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Shivani Devi
I will also let you in on a little secret...

Even though you are not living off welfare, the discrimination shown by those who work, against those who are sick/unemployed and receiving benefits is caused by jealousy nothing more and nothing less. They can deny this as much as they like, but it is true.

They are jealous that they have to work for money, while another is 'sitting on their bum' and getting paid...and I used to receive a LOT of this discrimination until I said;

"I am SO sorry that you don't qualify for welfare payments yourself so you HAVE to work, but please don't take that out on me".

What usually follows, is the other person questioning my sanity and never talking to me again...see? it is win/win.

Oh I wish I could say that! I guess I could still say something similar, "I am so sorry you have not gotten an inheritance, but please dont take that out on me."

Quote:
By the way, you can't change what a person thinks about you if they have already made up their mind, so you learn not to care. She probably already thinks you are a 'freeloader' and nothing you can do/say will ever change that...she is also obviously snobbing you, using her financial status and position as a method to vampire your energy...it is one of the reasons why people like to save and buy the best of everything...a new 4WD, a Merc, a 6 bedroom, double story house etc...so they can get to lord it over those who are less well off for a huge ego boost.

Yeah i'm sure she and a few others think i'm a freeloader, but I shouldn't care, I'm the only one that has to live my life.

And it's interesting, she does have all those things, while I didn't even while I had my job where I was earning over $2000 a month (which is the most I've ever made) where I worked 12 hours most days and had to deal with stress, horrible coworkers, and a boss from hell. I was probably making more than she is! But I chose to buy a 50 year old mobile home for $5000 in a dumpy trailer park where my lot rent is $285 a month, I choose to drive a car that is 10 years old with almost 110,000 miles on it, I choose to wear the same clothes that still fit me from 20 years ago (and if i need more, I get them at the thrift store). So she can sit up on her pile of new material possessions and look down on me for being a freeloader but she would never live the way I do.
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  #27  
Old 22-10-2018, 05:03 AM
Green.Heals Green.Heals is offline
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Join Date: Aug 2015
Posts: 345
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Why do friends have to be so judgemental about how you live your life?


Possibly because you give too much detailed information away, one gives their power away. Also, if you're dependent on them to make your decisions for you.

Also, probably it is one in the same, try not to seek the support from other's that you know you can give to yourself. It is good to be self aware. To realize if you do not wish for help, do not ask for it. Find what it is you really want, and cut out what is not needed. I believe we hold our own power in that even if someone is judgemental towards us, it shouldn't really bother us, if we know our own truth.

People care for people, even the one's they do not know. Or have never met, if they see themselves in a particular situation through the situations of another - so if an opinion is granted, and not wanted, I suppose be open to the possibility that a negative route may come from it.

I am not saying you do, but I have, in turn, I am speaking from my own experiences.

Boundaries are to be in place at all times, with any friendship, especially those you've known for years. Very likely those you've known for years, lasted the longest, due to being the healthiest, where boundaries, and a Give, and Take, were set up from the start.
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