Not sure how to identify...

Hello!
I have been thinking about this more and more as I read on this forum...I am not sure how I identify spiritually. I mean, I don't claim any one religion or belief system specifically. I have learned so much from so many. I suppose I would identify as Pagan, but that term does seem so general, and doesn't necessarily cover everything that I draw from....So, I am going to write a little about my spiritual journey (I'll try to make it brief, considering) and if you are interested you can bare with me and respond and let me know what you think. I also realize it may not matter how I identify or what word I use, but there is that desire to belong, and to find a way that I fit in with others spiritually.

I was raised in an open-minded Christian family. At an early age, I did not agree or believe in everything that I heard in church and in Sunday school and from my Christian friends. SOMEHOW, though I'm not sure [i]how[i], I decided around age 7 or 8 that my beliefs were more in line with Native American beliefs. My parents, fortunately, supported and even embraced this. I began reading and learning about many different tribes and their beliefs. I especially embraced Lakota beliefs and practices and many of them have stuck with me to today. I am a white woman, and I often feel timid and even embarrassed about this deeply important aspect of my spirituality--worried that it could somehow be offensive or laughed at.

When I was 11 years old, I also began to practice Magic. I don't know where a lot of my ideas came from--my magic was based a lot on visualizing colors, practicing healing (like Reiki, but I had never heard of Reiki), attempting (and sometimes succeeding) to talk with animals and trees. I went to what many would call the Otherworld (I had a specific name for this). I also continued practicing certain Native American beliefs--I wore a medicine bag around my neck with special items in it that I felt I gained some power from and which served as reminders for strength, connection, etc. I also had my own name for God. As for the "God" and the "Otherworld," these were both things that I shared with my best friend.

I lost all hope in the world when I was 12, suffered from extreme depression, and had a very hard time believing in anything but Hell for years after that.

When I was 16, I became desperate for something spiritual to save me from this Hell of depression, self-loathing, self-destruction, self-mutilation, hearing voices, feeling insane, having scary manic episodes...I found marijuana, and I found Buddhism. Both saved me in some ways. I read about Buddhism and tried to practice it. I bought an altar kit from Barnes & Nobles. I was a bit mixed up about certain beliefs, but the Buddhists who would not harm a living thing resonated with me, and I wanted to practice meditation again. (I had practiced meditation, also independently, as a child). This hung on for a couple years, and I certainly have learned more from Buddhism in recent years about presence and mindfulness and compassion that is deeply integrated into my beliefs and my lifestyle now.

When I was 19, I had a very intense manic episode and read a lot of the Bagahad Gita. I don't remember it all anymore, but we do have a beautiful Ganesha statue on our family altar and I love the stories about him.

19/20/21, I began reading about Druidry and practicing that, solo. All my spiritual practices have been rather solo, really. It was a wonderful way to reconnect me to the Earth, and so much of it reminded me of the beliefs I had as a child. I had some amazing experiences hiking barefoot in the snow, and I had a (sober) experience when I saw fairies after singing songs for them all day long. I began to practice magic in ways trying to be more connected to the spirit world and the Otherworld. In the midst of this, I also began to drink and use drugs more and more, and eventually lost a lot of my connectedness due to being drunk so much of the time. I began to feel that I needed magic mushrooms in order to feel connected and present and spiritual.

I got sober at 22, and have been sober for almost 6 years now, with the help of a 12 step program, thank goodness! I am leaving out a lot of details, but trying to focus on the spiritual timeline. At 22, after I got sober, I came across a book by Luisah Teish called "Jambalaya: The Natural Woman's Book of Personal Charms and Practical Rituals." This book taught me about the history of Voodoo, and Yoruba beliefs. It was so, so, incredibly helpful to me during that first year or so when I got sober. It helped me to feel empowered and connected. It introduced me to Goddesses with whom I was able to have conscious contact, specifically the Goddess Yemaya. So much of what I learned from this book and I still hold dear. I had wonderful experiences with some of the rituals and I still have a place on my altar for Her.

Over the last several years, my life has gotten busy with a new family and a lot of wonderful things. I have learned more about mindfulness and meditation. Recently, I have felt that I am lacking a conscious contact with a Higher Power, and that is something I want in my life again. After all this spiritual dabbling, I don't know where to turn sometimes. Getting out in nature more is always a good step, and I'm doing that. I've been coming on here and trying to read and talk to some like-minded folk. I don't feel like any one spirituality/belief system that I've learned from is better than another. Different ones have fit me at different times, and I've learned and gained so much from all of them. I do sometimes feel alone in that I have had so many different beliefs and experiences, all valid, but I haven't found one thing that fit me permanently. Maybe that is normal, maybe that is a good thing. If someone asked me and I had to give a short explanation, I suppose I would say "Pagan." I have also identified as a witch, but I don't practice that much "witchery" these days, either. I have always wished that I had a spiritual group, and I think that is why I am feeling the need to identify in some way. All these practices have been solitary. I feel like this hugely important part of me is a part that almost no one really knows.

Well, I know that was a lot, but if you read it, thanks for reading. And I would appreciate any responses/discussion that follows.

You're not alone.

Spirituality is at the heart of a person, not in the way they practise or what they say.

Spirituality becomes you and the life you live, and that life is your spirituality.

I've looked at many different ways, and find wisdom in Christianity to Wicca, to non-duality and new age eclecticism. But it is at my heart that the wisdom is found, not in a book or a declaration, just in my heart.

Thank you for your prompt response, it warmed my heart a bit. Funny how often I need to be reminded I'm not alone for one reason or another, but I do need that. I need to hear from others that they relate and that I am not alone in my experiences.

As Meadows says, you aren’t alone. It’s a matter of developing your path and this won’t happen overnight for most people. It might but don’t count on it! Appreciating and valuing nature is one good start. As for magic mushrooms, yes, they open the doors of perception a little quicker and do have their use, opening up the deepest mystical worlds.

I couldn’t avoid noticing your reference to Voodoo/Vodou, a topic not mentioned too often here, so just a few words (in no way suggesting this should be a possible path but it receives little attention among spiritual seekers). Traditional vodou is a way of life as much as a religion though less constricting than, say, Christianity (though they are closely syncretised - all down to its history and evolution) and is communal. It comes with a lot of variations, down to the particular African root. An aspect that sometimes deters people unaccustomed to neo-African ideas (and may exclude them) is “possession”, a temporary event usually during their ceremonies. There’s plenty on the internet about that but it really needs involvement to observe (or to be possessed) – unlikely for most people. Take no notice of the Hollywood makeover, the event isn’t “evil”.

To me, it’s beautiful, natural, ceremonial about life, and integrates the spirits into people’s lives. It emphasises ones ancestors, ones maître tête, the various driving forces within us. It also acknowledges the dark side and grapples with it. But being communal and ceremonial it’s difficult for anyone outside a community to get involved in a traditional way.

Nonetheless it has a lot analogous to any spiritual work and teachings. Much can be practiced by the lone worker, particularly its gnostic side (that has various kinds of prayer (talking to the spirits), dream work, use of talismans (veves) and so on).

I was surprised at the absence of Vodou among the “religions and faiths” list on this forum but then I suppose it’s of minor interest.

[Sammy]

Hello talking crow!

Perhaps have you tried finding the commonality of the religions you practice, to procure a more deduced understanding for yourself?

Originally Posted by Sammy

Hello talking crow!

Perhaps have you tried finding the commonality of the religions you practice, to procure a more deduced understanding for yourself?

This is pretty good advice. Try to find a common factor in the things that appeal to you spiritually, but personally I wouldn't worry too much about labeling yourself or putting yourself in a box. Find the joined roots in those things you hold dear, and if you have to, be something new.

The Librarian

Dont beat yourself up ~ the world will do it for you!

keep seeking and the answer will come....

Originally Posted by Lorelyen

I couldn’t avoid noticing your reference to Voodoo/Vodou..........I was surprised at the absence of Vodou among the “religions and faiths” list on this forum but then I suppose it’s of minor interest.

Thanks, Lorelyen. I had deeply moving spiritual experiences and growth while exploring Voodou and Yoruba. I see what you mean about it being so community involved in many ways. I did contact Luisah Teish to thank her for her book and explain how it so positively affected my life, and was happy to get a response from her--and an invitation to the Festival of the Bones in Oakland! I haven't been able to make it there for that yet, but I hope to someday. I would like more community in my spiritual life, even if it is only occasional. I was also a bit disappointed to see that Voudou was not included on the boards here.

Thanks, Sammy, the Librarian, and molly75. I have been put in boxes throughout my life and never fit in any of them! I will continue seeking, and I am aware of some of the commonalities between the different belief systems...the main thing that I have related to is belief systems that are "Earth-based," that focus on being connected to and protecting Mother Earth, but also in serving others and learning to be present not only in nature but with fellow humans and learning to be compassionate and calm. I have been seeking more connection in the spirit realm again lately, too.

I do think after writing this and contemplating it all, a lot of what I am missing and what I sort of "envy" from folks who do have one religion or belief system is COMMUNITY. And that is probably why I found this forum as well. I want a spiritual community. Fortunately, being in a 12 step program, I do have people around me who are walking a spiritual path, though they may be different from mine, we can all learn from each other. I also went to my neighbors house this past full moon and had a beautiful ceremony, invoking the directions, giving thanks and asking for guidance, talking about astrology, and even ended the night with getting a Tarot reading. It felt so good to be in a setting like that, and it may be just what I'm looking for...I only felt out of place in the sense that I was the only one who has not been a part of a community like this and who has not had any real training in any of these practices. While I have been on a spiritual path for most of my life, I definitely felt like the "newbie" in that situation.