A Journey of Healing

My journey of healing began about 30 years ago when I began to realize just how much different from others I truly was. Feeling emotions at the age of eight is not always easy because we are beginning to understand the world we've been born into. It was fascinating to me to see new people and to learn about their world. Yet there were many things I found out that I already knew without learning them through others or books.

My first sleep over was an event that I would never forget and not due to the excitement of an 8-year-old either. For some time I had been bugging my best friend for a sleep over at her house but when I asked her I felt sadness and shame from her. I did not why I felt she was so sad and shamed to bring me to her house until the night we finally had our sleep over. Her father had committed suicide a few months before that night but that was one part of the reason. That night we were all ready for bed I had a pair of brand-new pajama's and felt so happy until her older brother walked through the door. A wave of anger and pain hit me like a tornado hits unsuspecting people. I did not know what to do but I felt fear for the very first time in my life and it was drowning me because I felt danger from him. I had good reason he was drunk and been in a fight with a man who shared the same last name as me although we were not related. He had pulled a knife soon after he heard my last name and his Mother stepped in front me and soon calmed him down. Now I knew where the shame came from all night she was so ashamed of what her brother done to us that night. She told me later one reason her Father committed suicide was he could no longer bare his drunken son's abusive behavior. No more sleep over after that although we remained friends until she was old enough to run away from home. Thus the first taste of fear that would not leave me but grow stronger as the years passed.

Now I am 11 years old and still feeling emotions that were not my own but I still did not have a clue that those emotions were not mine. No one around me was empathic and so I began a journey of searching for answers. We all take a journey like that one in life to seek a solution to our troubles or our existence. One road that I took was the one where I thought no other human being was empathic like me. I guess we all feel at times that we are the only one to go through an ordeal of crisis. But then I was suddenly plunged into darkness that would hold me hostage for seventeen years. I was taught to respect elders but no one taught me to say to a man who was willing to rape a child. For about five or six years this went on with a word spilling from my lips. Fear, shame, and blame became my companions for those long years after he stopped. Yet I still was not on a healing path but one filled with denial, shame, guilt, fear, and feeling unworthy to exist as a human. That was the path I was on and there seemed to be no one to help but I could blame everyone else for what happened. I thought since I am the victim and we all know that the victim is always innocent of blame. Not if you allow the pain to grow so out of control that you are willing to try slicing your wrists. No instrument was sharp enough despite being extremely sharp. I was not meant to die then and I am so glad now that I did not.

My journey of healing finally came ten years ago when I started doing Tai Chi my mind, body, and my spirit was starting to feel balanced. Reiki and meditation were important tools for my healing process to begin. I was talking about the rape more openly and finding a relationship which was not meant to last but as a learning stone. No regrets for me now and the warden now has broken the chains that bound her. I keep myself in that darken place and push those whom loved me away. I thought if I pushed people away that I would not get hurt but I was very wrong the one person who was hurt the most was myself. Now I try facing the troubles that arise and it is not always easy for bad habits are fully erased yet. Depression still tries to strike and the memory of a rape never leaves you but you can live with it as a part of whom you are. We tend to run away from our past thinking why dwell on it when it is said and done. Our past, present, and further make up whom we are this very minute. My past showed me I survived rape which most people end up taking their owns lives because the cannot cope. Pain is a part of life and whether we want it to be or not. Well my journey of healing is ongoing and not because I have dealt with the past but tomorrow may bring more pain. I hope not but if so then I am ready to deal with and try to see myself better. This week I realized that I do not fully see things about myself and others as clearly but that does not me I cannot see them clearly tomorrow. I walk my journey of life along side family, good friends, and the Great Spirit who will be there in case I need a hand. Take Care everyone and prayers of healing go out to you today and always.

I hope that you too share your own journey of healing that we all will learn from one another along this journey called life. Take Care,

Ancestral,

That was a very inspiring story, thank you for sharing that. You are very strong to go through what you did and keep fighting...

May the Great Spirit walk with you. Many Blessings.

Katara

Thank you Katara and right now is yet another journey of life that I must take for death has come to our doorstep releasing my Grandmother from her suffering. Part of me is glad yet part is saddened. May Great spirit also walk with you as well. Take care,

I'm sorry to hear that, Ancestral...Stay Strong.

Blessings always and Thank you

Katara

Thanks, she had several strokes and was not able to be her active self now she is reunited with my Grandfather and all those whom she loved. May Great Spirit be with you. Take Care,

Those are some tough situations. It's hard to know why that stuff happens but I can tell by your writing that you are an intense human being maybe because these situations have woke up feelings inside you that it is hard for others to feel. I realize that as I go through my own life the situations that have brought me the most pain have caused me to heighten my awareness to the emotions of others......maybe that may be a reason. Thanks for sharing.

Thanks, sorry to take so long to respond I have not been on much due to life got crazier. I am grateful for all the pain I went through because it helped mold the person I am today.