If you knew someone cheated...

My house is also a band practice space so a lot of guys come over without their girlfriends and I hear a ton of "boy talk" mostly stuff I'd rather not know about but anyway yesterday one of the guys mentioned he had a certain kind of sex that his girlfriend won't try with another girl 2 years ago. Well I know for a fact he was dating the same girl he is now 2 years ago. My boyfriend is friends with both the guy and his girlfriend and we have been feeling really bad this has happened because she is a very nice girl but do we say something or just hope it doesn't happen again and let it go?

[MorpHnStorM]

That is a hard one, but I think it might be best to withhold that information, for now... Things have to unfold naturally and you may not know the full dynamics of the situation. I'd say that if she begins to have suspicions about the situation and she comes to you with those suspicions, then perhaps you could address them. You (and she) may be guided or a situation will present its self to where that info. is revealed.

It's true that sometimes we might receive a message or information that could potentially benefit another, but the timing and the delivery of that information is also a important. Sometimes we receive information for another or we gain insight on a situation/person, but they may not be ready to receive the information at the time that you receive it. We have to discern, or allow ourselves to be guided on how and when we deliver that information...Otherwise, it could end up causing more of a disturbance...

Yeah I feel like we should stay out of it but what keeps making me confused is if it were me I don't care where, when if and's or buts I would want someone to tell me if they found out my boyfriend cheated on me. Maybe that steams from me actually being cheated on in the past but I'm just really upset I used to look up to them as a couple they've been together for 6 years and it just leaves a bad taste I can barely smile when I see him now I'm actually mad at him, maybe thats crazy but I don't think it's right to cheat and the way he talked about it like it was no big deal he even laughed about it!

[Clover]

In my opinion,I personally wouldn't say anything. It could cause a lot of drama for everyone including yourself. I'd let Karma's nature takes it's course.

[innerlight]

Originally Posted by lilybug

My house is also a band practice space so a lot of guys come over without their girlfriends and I hear a ton of "boy talk" mostly stuff I'd rather not know about but anyway yesterday one of the guys mentioned he had a certain kind of sex that his girlfriend won't try with another girl 2 years ago. Well I know for a fact he was dating the same girl he is now 2 years ago. My boyfriend is friends with both the guy and his girlfriend and we have been feeling really bad this has happened because she is a very nice girl but do we say something or just hope it doesn't happen again and let it go?

This is a tricky thing to deal with. As you could create drama going through with this. And it puts you in the middle of it. Are you even sure that there even was cheating, and that the woman didn't over lap each other, or that they were just dating and not exclusive to each other? There could also be the possibility that it was something done at an immature time, and not done since.. And bringing up the wounds of two years ago may create more problems than are needed. We all, after all, make mistakes.

[linen53]

I might encourage some positive thoughts sent their way or pray for them. It's not your relationship and you need to stay out of it. You will be happy you did later when things get rocky between them.

[muileag]

If it happened two years ago, and it's not ongoing then I wouldn't say anything. If it started two years ago and he's still cheating on his girlfriend now, then I would. I would want to know, but I don't think I would need to know if it had happened two years ago and we had built an even stronger relationship in the meantime.

I personally believe it's an intrusion for someone outside a relationship to try to take a moral highground and criticise, let alone spill the beans. It's the couple's business and up to the cheated one (so to speak) to work it out. Diplomacy might be the best act of friendship with this. Conflicting loyalties come into it.

This question of 'cheating' intrigues me. It's always about someone having sex with someone extra-relationship. Why just that? Isn't deceit and telling lies to your partner as much cheating? Isn't having fantasies about someone of the opposite sex as good as cheating?

There's always going to be relationship problems when one of a couple imposes restrictions. I lost a boyfriend in my late teens because I refused to model nude for him. So he found someone who would, leading to the break-up. Now I look back, it was to be expected. He needed someone for his artistic purposes. I wasn't prepared to provide that. He found someone more able to mesh with him. My loss - but it was my restriction that couldn't be accommodated.

♥

Originally Posted by lilybug

My house is also a band practice space so a lot of guys come over without their girlfriends and I hear a ton of "boy talk" mostly stuff I'd rather not know about but anyway yesterday one of the guys mentioned he had a certain kind of sex that his girlfriend won't try with another girl 2 years ago. Well I know for a fact he was dating the same girl he is now 2 years ago. My boyfriend is friends with both the guy and his girlfriend and we have been feeling really bad this has happened because she is a very nice girl but do we say something or just hope it doesn't happen again and let it go?

When I was in my 20s, my boyfriend was having an affair with a friend of mine. (I know, sounds like a soap show cliché) Another friend did tell me - she couldn't live with her own guilt over indirectly abetting the deception any more. I was really glad she told me - nothing like feeling like the only idiot who hasn't a clue to what's goin on behind your back.

However, this was an affair situation - ie, repeated indiscretions, not a one-time thing. Does that make it different? To me, yeah.

If my boyfriend had cheated once and then felt remorse and came to his own conclusion that it was wrong, and committed to staying monogamous unless something in the relationship changed, then I would have not wanted to find out.

But if the cheating continues, then the person doing the cheating is not ready to examine or correct their own disrespectful behaviour (unless the pair has agreed to an open relationship) - then I think it's only fair to inform the person being cheated on.

And it must be hard on you - to be burdened with the knowing and to be wondering if you should say something or not.

I hope it works out for the couple, and for you!

Originally Posted by Lorelyen

I personally believe it's an intrusion for someone outside a relationship to try to take a moral highground and criticise, let alone spill the beans. It's the couple's business and up to the cheated one (so to speak) to work it out. Diplomacy might be the best act of friendship with this. Conflicting loyalties come into it.

This question of 'cheating' intrigues me. It's always about someone having sex with someone extra-relationship. Why just that? Isn't deceit and telling lies to your partner as much cheating? Isn't having fantasies about someone of the opposite sex as good as cheating?

There's always going to be relationship problems when one of a couple imposes restrictions. I lost a boyfriend in my late teens because I refused to model nude for him. So he found someone who would, leading to the break-up. Now I look back, it was to be expected. He needed someone for his artistic purposes. I wasn't prepared to provide that. He found someone more able to mesh with him. My loss - but it was my restriction that couldn't be accommodated.

♥

Hi, Lorelyen. You have made a good point about the intrusiveness about an outsider spilling the beans. It's a tough situation and so many factors to consider. I guess looking at one's intentions for disclosing the secret - doing it to stir up conflict and cause drama intentionally (because some people like to do that; they enjoy drama), or doing it to expose the deeper issue with the hopes of helping the couple work toward resolving whatever issue led to the cheating in the first place.

I think having fantasies about a person is not quite the same as cheating and relatively harmless - I think it's part of many humans' minds to indulge in fantasy. Unless the fantasizing is a symptom of a deeper relationship problem and causes conflict in the relationship. Then I would hope that if the couple wants to preserve the relationship, they work together to resolve whatever issue is leading to the fantasizing.

And I just had to tell you that I admired you very much for setting limits around exposing your bodyspace. I don't see it as a "restriction" but a self-affirming assertion that you chose to stand by at that time in your life. Good for you for respecting your own personal needs and comfort levels! Some people are unable to do that - and it hurts them very deeply. I am glad you honoured yourself - that's how I see it.