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  #1  
Old 01-11-2016, 02:18 AM
Space8y Space8y is offline
Seeker
Join Date: Aug 2016
Posts: 46
  Space8y's Avatar
How Should I Proceed From This Jumbled State

Today, the dominant negative vibration is ‘trapped’. I feel trapped in my

perspective, in my head, my mind. I feel trapped in my job routine. I feel

trapped and unable to break free, no matter how much I desire to. I go

through my day, incapable of casual conversation. I desperately want to

connect, but I always find myself with a blank slate. I just don’t have

anything to convey to them. Everything is as it is. I am observing, and have

a lot of internal stuff going on, but nothing I would talk about around the

guard stand, or with my family. I keep trying to tell myself, “just have fun,

be yourself, express yourself.” Lately I just feel confused, and in a state of

disconnect. I am confused about my belief systems, my position, my

relationships, the universe…I used to have it all figured out I thought…until I

figured out that what I knew was a fraction of a fraction and I know

absolutely nothing. I don’t know where to start, moment to moment. I am

here, but where am I. I can only convey through my eyes how imprisoned I

am inside myself. I have let my ego run wild. Self judgement, fear of what

others think, my mind tells me lie after lie, and I’m believing it, like an idiot.

My mind tells me that “That person over there responded to you like ‘this’, so

he must not want you around, he doesn’t approve of you.” Instead of walking

freely, in my own world, I have trapped myself, by habit, of thinking of how

others perceive me. It’s crazy knowing deep down I am everyone and the

world, I am down here to expand through the connection with others, and

yet I’m still self conscious. My conscious self doesn’t care what others think,

but my subconscious is obsessed with it. I can’t get away from putting

myself under the microscope. I am building walls around myself with my

thoughts and assumptions, and it’s getting big.

Its almost as if I know I am intricately connected, and the reason I am here

is to show up for others…and yet I am caged in a hollow vessel, that has

forgotten how to connect on a superficial level. I want to communicate, but I

simply cannot come up with words. I have been singing the same song to a

ghost crowd for so long, that drawing back into simple, loopless conversation

has become a mystery.



Its frusturating because I know what I need to do, and I try, every single

moment. I need to let go of a concept of myself, love everything that arises,

feel grateful and a sense of lovingkindness, be mindful, not let my ego feed

me negativity, be in flow, find silence, peace, and unity, regain self

assurance and confidence, have fun in every moment, and feel my emotions

and not think about them.



It’s crazy too, going from these huge cycles, awakening into the expansive

freedom, connectedness, and pure being…into forgetting everything I

thought I had and knew, ripped up my map…them awakening, forgetting.

Once I see myself never forgetting again, I turn around and am lost.

All deep realizations and metaphysical concepts aside, I have went from

being an outgoing, fun enthusiast for life, to being thrust into a ‘pre view

awakening’ that sparked my interest in spirituality, thought that attaining

spiritual knowledge will get me there, 4 years later realizing Its all about the

simplest of things…integrating my charged emotions and waking up the

world, losing everything I thought I knew about myself and the world, having

profound experiences, building my true perspective, and now here (to

crudely sum it up) in a state of confusion, bewilderment, lonliness, useless

knowledge, a passion for the moment, and a big idea factory that I have to

operate on my own, and can’t invite help because …

So for now, I’m taking my current state as a learning opportunity. I will

ground myself in creativity, meditation, flow, and love. This must be a time

for feeling, not thinking. I went from discovering the deeper conversation

happening, to understanding that ****. small talk is about energy transfer, to

discovering how to catch up, to seeing the zombified world for what it is,

searching past blurry people for the ones who see beyond the eye, to this…

not even being able to carry small talk. I know I need to tear down my

negative assumptions and beliefs. To rid myself of anxiety of acceptance,

judgment, and fear.



I also think that so much of my life now has been dedicated to emotional
development, spiritual evolution, and simplifying myself that the trivial distractions most ‘normal’ people care about, I simply don’t know how to operate on this level. I have several spiritual friends whom I can talk through subjects for hours, and I feel fully alive and myself, but when I’m with others I feel I have to mask a large part of myself and what I’m interested in. Because the conversation is the actual conversation, were not talking through it and using subjects as platforms for our poetry.
I’m just all twisted up right now, theres so much I know that I don’t know that I used to know, now trying to know that the universe is telling me no.
__________________
Astro man, here I come To save the Day. Anyway, I was Waking Up ‘n had a dream Just the other day, some Mind turned my mind out of my head and Flew it away, Somebody Pinned a Badge on top of my Chest, Said Get out there Boy and Do your Best.
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  #2  
Old 01-11-2016, 07:51 AM
naturesflow naturesflow is offline
Master
Join Date: Apr 2015
Location: In my cocoon.
Posts: 6,653
  naturesflow's Avatar
Quote:
Originally Posted by Space8y
Today, the dominant negative vibration is ‘trapped’. I feel trapped in my

perspective, in my head, my mind. I feel trapped in my job routine. I feel

trapped and unable to break free, no matter how much I desire to. I go

through my day, incapable of casual conversation. I desperately want to

connect, but I always find myself with a blank slate. I just don’t have

anything to convey to them. Everything is as it is. I am observing, and have

a lot of internal stuff going on, but nothing I would talk about around the

guard stand, or with my family. I keep trying to tell myself, “just have fun,

be yourself, express yourself.” Lately I just feel confused, and in a state of

disconnect. I am confused about my belief systems, my position, my

relationships, the universe…I used to have it all figured out I thought…until I

figured out that what I knew was a fraction of a fraction and I know

absolutely nothing. I don’t know where to start, moment to moment. I am

here, but where am I. I can only convey through my eyes how imprisoned I

am inside myself. I have let my ego run wild. Self judgement, fear of what

others think, my mind tells me lie after lie, and I’m believing it, like an idiot.

My mind tells me that “That person over there responded to you like ‘this’, so

he must not want you around, he doesn’t approve of you.” Instead of walking

freely, in my own world, I have trapped myself, by habit, of thinking of how

others perceive me. It’s crazy knowing deep down I am everyone and the

world, I am down here to expand through the connection with others, and

yet I’m still self conscious. My conscious self doesn’t care what others think,

but my subconscious is obsessed with it. I can’t get away from putting

myself under the microscope. I am building walls around myself with my

thoughts and assumptions, and it’s getting big.

Its almost as if I know I am intricately connected, and the reason I am here

is to show up for others…and yet I am caged in a hollow vessel, that has

forgotten how to connect on a superficial level. I want to communicate, but I

simply cannot come up with words. I have been singing the same song to a

ghost crowd for so long, that drawing back into simple, loopless conversation

has become a mystery.



Its frusturating because I know what I need to do, and I try, every single

moment. I need to let go of a concept of myself, love everything that arises,

feel grateful and a sense of lovingkindness, be mindful, not let my ego feed

me negativity, be in flow, find silence, peace, and unity, regain self

assurance and confidence, have fun in every moment, and feel my emotions

and not think about them.



It’s crazy too, going from these huge cycles, awakening into the expansive

freedom, connectedness, and pure being…into forgetting everything I

thought I had and knew, ripped up my map…them awakening, forgetting.

Once I see myself never forgetting again, I turn around and am lost.

All deep realizations and metaphysical concepts aside, I have went from

being an outgoing, fun enthusiast for life, to being thrust into a ‘pre view

awakening’ that sparked my interest in spirituality, thought that attaining

spiritual knowledge will get me there, 4 years later realizing Its all about the

simplest of things…integrating my charged emotions and waking up the

world, losing everything I thought I knew about myself and the world, having

profound experiences, building my true perspective, and now here (to

crudely sum it up) in a state of confusion, bewilderment, lonliness, useless

knowledge, a passion for the moment, and a big idea factory that I have to

operate on my own, and can’t invite help because …

So for now, I’m taking my current state as a learning opportunity. I will

ground myself in creativity, meditation, flow, and love. This must be a time

for feeling, not thinking. I went from discovering the deeper conversation

happening, to understanding that ****. small talk is about energy transfer, to

discovering how to catch up, to seeing the zombified world for what it is,

searching past blurry people for the ones who see beyond the eye, to this…

not even being able to carry small talk. I know I need to tear down my

negative assumptions and beliefs. To rid myself of anxiety of acceptance,

judgment, and fear.



I also think that so much of my life now has been dedicated to emotional
development, spiritual evolution, and simplifying myself that the trivial distractions most ‘normal’ people care about, I simply don’t know how to operate on this level. I have several spiritual friends whom I can talk through subjects for hours, and I feel fully alive and myself, but when I’m with others I feel I have to mask a large part of myself and what I’m interested in. Because the conversation is the actual conversation, were not talking through it and using subjects as platforms for our poetry.
I’m just all twisted up right now, theres so much I know that I don’t know that I used to know, now trying to know that the universe is telling me no.


This all sounds very familiar to the integration process where you are aware, lost, confused, know but don't know and yet nothing seems to be coming together in substantial ways to bring some relief to the greater picture. Sadly when walking through the core aspects of self where everything is very much awake and aware of itself, nothing quite fits where we want to be, everything feels chaotic and you are not really reaching those places you desperately want to reach in yourself to find a place of connection in the world where you belong...

Connection is about you of course and I am sure you know this. What you are connecting to within you, is what reflects externally in the feelings and mindset you are holding in as you believe. Sometimes we assume so much of the external world in our internal lack, that we can often miss what could be as we are, just being ok as we are. Regardless of you and where you are at in yourself, if you can let go of the external stuff about the world around you, and just let the world show you itself, you may be surprised at what flows in. I know this wont change you as you feel about you, but it allows the external to be itself and perhaps bring you a glimmer of hope that there are some wonderful people in this world who do accept others as they are.


Acceptance comes through in a variety of ways, so it doesn't have to be so difficult for you alone to get all this. Life supports us and shows us that we can feel a sense of belonging, find places where we fit and so forth. So this builds our sense that the world does meet our needs in a variety of ways.

When you letting go of yourself as you only know yourself to be, it can be very chaotic, very confusing. It can feel like your neither there or here, but your aware of so much. Your aware of what you want, what you don't like, what you seek to be and be a part of in the world.

I can only offer you hope that step by step we move ourselves closer to this connection as we build it from within. It takes time and process, baby steps and giant steps depending on what life is tossing your way. I can only suggest you embrace the ride and make it an adventure. If I had my time again to walk through this, I would know to not get consumed by it all, but rather be aware I have to walk it through so I would change my attitude and embrace it more willingly even as confusing as it felt and was.

There is not way to make it less than what it is becoming. It will twist and turn and shake things up, because deep down you know what you want and where you want to be.
This all takes conscious effort and steps.

I know it is easy for me from this side looking in to know there are always glimmers of joy and light within the shadows and chaos. Sometimes you just have to look for them and grab a hold of those moments, to propel you and lead you out of the confusion, even if it is only for a short time.

Life is change and we change and grow through all this, remembering that everything is only a temporary changing view. The mind locks into ideas and can do our heads in. So it is important to shift focus when your mind tells you stories, consumes your feeling space. Letting go and opening your mind allows feelings to flow more freely. So you free up some space in yourself, clear the way for the next step.

I hope you find some solace in your process.
__________________
“God’s one and only voice are Silence.” ~ Herman Melville

Man has learned how to challenge both Nature and art to become the incitements to vice! His very cups he has delighted to engrave with libidinous subjects, and he takes pleasure in drinking from vessels of obscene form! Pliny the Elder
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  #3  
Old 01-11-2016, 10:31 AM
kingfisher kingfisher is offline
Pathfinder
Join Date: Oct 2016
Location: The only way is Essex!
Posts: 68
  kingfisher's Avatar
Hi space8Y, your post made me think of the guy who goes to his psychiatrist and tells him his problem......every time he goes in to see his boss he pees in his pants and gets terribly embarrassed, The psychiatrist gives him a few things to try and asks him to come back the following week. The next week the guy goes back and says "I'm cured. Thanks!" The psychiatrist says "great! so you no longer wet your pants." "Oh no, I still wet my pants but I'm no longer embarrassed about it!"

This might be a joke, yet it does hold a certain truth. Some things never change, or at least never seem to, but often its our emotional reactions that cause the problems. "Acceptance" is just a word but just the word can tangle us up..........trying to "accept" in order to eliminate an unwanted state of mind is NOT acceptance at all. Its like trying to pull ourselves up by our boot straps.

I'm a terribly judgemental person. I don't like it. But it never seems to change. But there is a world of difference between acting upon a judgement and merely observing that a judgement has been made. And sometimes, yes, when a certain moment has passed and looking back I recognise that then I never made a judgement when perhaps I may have done once, so called "progress" may have been made. But once again, just observe it and move on. To congratulate myself would be to consolidate a sense of a "self" that "makes progress" - something I know to be the heart of the whole problem.

Its all a tangle. But I just walk on, say "thank you", and let it all go.

All the best
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  #4  
Old 01-11-2016, 03:33 PM
linen53 linen53 is offline
Master
Join Date: Sep 2013
Posts: 14,332
 
If you can't converse on a superficial level, then don't try. Just start being you and to heck with what others think.

As I have aged, I have thrown off the mantle of caring what others think of me and just started being me and liking myself much better.

A group of friends, all of us in our 60's and 70's were talking about this just this last Sunday. We all agree, we played the part in society that we were taught to play. But now that we are older, we are free to be ourselves.
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  #5  
Old 05-11-2016, 10:59 PM
Space8y Space8y is offline
Seeker
Join Date: Aug 2016
Posts: 46
  Space8y's Avatar
Quote:
Originally Posted by naturesflow
This all sounds very familiar to the integration process where you are aware, lost, confused, know but don't know and yet nothing seems to be coming together in substantial ways to bring some relief to the greater picture. Sadly when walking through the core aspects of self where everything is very much awake and aware of itself, nothing quite fits where we want to be, everything feels chaotic and you are not really reaching those places you desperately want to reach in yourself to find a place of connection in the world where you belong...

Connection is about you of course and I am sure you know this. What you are connecting to within you, is what reflects externally in the feelings and mindset you are holding in as you believe. Sometimes we assume so much of the external world in our internal lack, that we can often miss what could be as we are, just being ok as we are. Regardless of you and where you are at in yourself, if you can let go of the external stuff about the world around you, and just let the world show you itself, you may be surprised at what flows in. I know this wont change you as you feel about you, but it allows the external to be itself and perhaps bring you a glimmer of hope that there are some wonderful people in this world who do accept others as they are.


Acceptance comes through in a variety of ways, so it doesn't have to be so difficult for you alone to get all this. Life supports us and shows us that we can feel a sense of belonging, find places where we fit and so forth. So this builds our sense that the world does meet our needs in a variety of ways.

When you letting go of yourself as you only know yourself to be, it can be very chaotic, very confusing. It can feel like your neither there or here, but your aware of so much. Your aware of what you want, what you don't like, what you seek to be and be a part of in the world.

I can only offer you hope that step by step we move ourselves closer to this connection as we build it from within. It takes time and process, baby steps and giant steps depending on what life is tossing your way. I can only suggest you embrace the ride and make it an adventure. If I had my time again to walk through this, I would know to not get consumed by it all, but rather be aware I have to walk it through so I would change my attitude and embrace it more willingly even as confusing as it felt and was.

There is not way to make it less than what it is becoming. It will twist and turn and shake things up, because deep down you know what you want and where you want to be.
This all takes conscious effort and steps.

I know it is easy for me from this side looking in to know there are always glimmers of joy and light within the shadows and chaos. Sometimes you just have to look for them and grab a hold of those moments, to propel you and lead you out of the confusion, even if it is only for a short time.

Life is change and we change and grow through all this, remembering that everything is only a temporary changing view. The mind locks into ideas and can do our heads in. So it is important to shift focus when your mind tells you stories, consumes your feeling space. Letting go and opening your mind allows feelings to flow more freely. So you free up some space in yourself, clear the way for the next step.

I hope you find some solace in your process.

Thank you for your answer and advice! Clearing space and detatching is such a huge part, thanks for taking the time to share this with me
__________________
Astro man, here I come To save the Day. Anyway, I was Waking Up ‘n had a dream Just the other day, some Mind turned my mind out of my head and Flew it away, Somebody Pinned a Badge on top of my Chest, Said Get out there Boy and Do your Best.
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