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Go Back   Spiritual Forums > Spirituality & Beliefs > Spiritual Development

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  #1  
Old 30-10-2016, 08:46 AM
Poppie Poppie is offline
Newbie ;)
Join Date: Oct 2016
Posts: 1
 
Question Help! I don't know what to do next..

Hello, my name is Poppie, I'm 28, from England and I really need some advice!!

I was attuned to reiki level 1 for the second time(the first was 12 years ago) at the beginning of this year. After the 3 month course(with no major problems) had finished I proceeded to have what I thought was a 'mental breakdown' which I was too embarrassed to tell my reiki teacher or any of my classmates about.

It's nearly 9 months later and I'm still in the middle of my 'breakdown' despite strong antidepressants which made things much worse(stopped them 4 weeks ago).

I haven't been able to practice Reiki on anyone else at all... sometimes I try on myself but no where near as regularly or effectively as before.

The thing is, all year I have been hearing about(without trying) things like new energies coming to the planet, spiritual awakening, lightworkers, guides etc.. so I googled.

Every time I come to a list of 'X-number of signs you may be undergoing a spiritual awakening' I seem to have all of them and I start crying hysterically!! It makes research difficult.


The most obvious things I have noticed are:
  • I can see sparkly colourful energy everywhere all the time(I kept going for eye-tests as I thought my eyes had broken)
  • If I want to I can collect a ball of energy until I can see it clearly between my hands and let it float away and watch it float around the room.
  • I can feel my third eye very strongly
  • I am very aware of my energetic body and I can feel it with it's self- each layer of my aura is distinct.
  • I can see my aura sometimes.. not brightly and distinctly, more like I can see the distortion it creates as I move within the energy around me.
  • I'm on the edge of astral travelling a lot of the time but something keeps me stuck in my body (I'm guessing it's stress and chronic pain and muscle tightness from being hypermobile and on crutches for 3 years but I may be wrong)

Unfortunately I am also experiencing the 'mental breakdown' symptoms which I think are getting worse because I can't talk to ANYONE about what is going on with me. That is why I am writing this.
They are:
  • Depression
  • Crying at every drop of any hat. Up to 8 hours at a time.
  • Anxiety (always had this but it's extreme now)
  • I've felt like I've been screaming 'help' and banging my head against a wall inside for so long that I have actually sometimes started screaming uncontrollably and banging my head against a wall for real. Sometimes for hours.
  • Rage and frustration. I don't know what to do with it so I break things and hurt myself with them.
  • Every aspect of my life has gotten messed up including my health, my partners health, communication with my family, medical professionals, my house, my friendships etc. etc.


It's doing my head in and I'm getting nowhere with doctors. I'm okay some of the time.. when I'm pretending that everything is 'normal' (go to shop, buy food, eat food, watch tv) and there are some very positive symptoms, like increased creativity and a desire to revolutionise my life.. but they are eclipsed by the negative ones and I feel like if I could just work out what I'm supposed to do with this new information/skillset then I would stop being depressed and frustrated and start doing something positive. ????????

Spirituality itself isn't new to me - I have been a practicing Nichiren Buddhist for 5 and a half years with very strong faith and practice up until the point 9 months ago when the reiki course ended - I just stopped being able to chant/practice. I try but I can't focus or and it seems to make things worse!

As buddhists we believe in the Mystic Law of the Universe(Myoho-renge-kyo) and that each person has Buddhahood(which is just you at your absolute best - full of wisdom, courage and compassion) and that our daily practice of chanting 'Nam-myoho-renge-kyo' brings out this state of enlightenment so we are better able to deal with life and make positive causes in our life and make the world around us better....

I *haven't* stopped believing this at all, I've had very positive results from my practice in the past, but I can't seem to chant without crying, collapsing on the floor or having some other weird reaction like anger or electric shocks running through me!
I don't know how to bring up any of this with any of my Buddhist friends.. none of what I'm describing comes up at buddhist meetings. I'm sure some of them would understand but I don't know which ones and I'm very embarrassed to bring it up with anyone.

Any insight on this would be gratefully received! <3

Even just someone saying 'me too' on those symptoms would help. I feel so alone. I don't know what to do. Even my partner has got sick of calling the ambulance on me and has banished me from his house.

I have a puppy, a little Jackhuahua she keeps me going. I really don't think I would be able to get through any of this without her. I will get through this.
She's not much of a one for conversation though!

x Pop
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  #2  
Old 30-10-2016, 12:57 PM
Lorelyen
Posts: n/a
 
Unfortunately, I can't say "me too" so while I'd love to help I can't know exactly what this feels like.

It'll take some thought so I'll probably come back later. My first suggestion is draw back from the new age stuff you find on the web. Even ardent new-agers here recognise there's a lot of it is snake-oil selling. Don't worry about things coming from other planets and ascension and things until you're back to good health, so you can appreciate what it's about without getting tangled.

A second suggestion is don't worry about not practicing Reiki - yet. Perhaps the keenness to do so is exacerbating your anxieties...maybe not, only you know - but best to try to relax everything you can at this time and concentrate on getting better (impossible on anti-depressants).

The good thing you've done is kick the medication. It may need weaning off. (I was given an anti-depressant to help cure insomnia, and you know what, it made me depressed. It kind of numbed me like a zombi. Horrible!) I can see how they might work.... Blank you out to put space between what caused the depression and now. I doubt they work in every case. I couldn't think straight which was an absolute blight on my work.

Now, may I ask if you connect your mental breakdown in any way to the Reiki class itself? Pressures on supporting yourself while there? Opposition from someone from whom you expected support?

Have troubles before then upset your mental state? Just asking to see if the origins of the trouble can be traced.

Well, you can talk to me. I'm in the UK where the NHS, particularly for mental health really is down the tubes. Part of my insomnia issue took me to a sleep clinic for prospective CBT as they call it. I won't bother you with detail. It was plain rubbish

I know almost nothing about Nichiren Buddhism except that it exists, I'm intrigued by spirituality in Japan. I'll look it up. Are you able to chant at all now?

So you may feel alone trying to nurse your wounds by yourself but you aren't alone at all. Ok, this may be a remote kind of communication here but the advantage is you don't have to be embarrassed. You are unlikely to be afflicted by trolls - at least, I truly hope not - and you can blast off all you like.

take care, relax everything you can, do anything you can to step up optimism - when you shop, when you walk if the sun is shining. Do you take your puppy for walks? What's her name? And...if she loves you and you her, then so what with conversation!

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  #3  
Old 30-10-2016, 05:29 PM
Cmt12 Cmt12 is offline
Experiencer
Join Date: Jul 2014
Posts: 325
 
Prioritize stability. Uncertainty and fear comes with the territory, so we need to develop the tools to be able to deal within those feelings. This is why the practice of yoga has been a reliable, spiritual development training practice for thousands of years. It builds stability within discomfort, being mindful while in pain. Meditation is another way to build stability.

Anything that provides you with a resistance is an opportunity to develop stability. Prioritize this above all else and you'll be fine. But if you avoid this task, you'll keep looking to escape and you'll have to continue to deal with it over and over in the future.
__________________
"Let those who seek, continue to seek until they find"
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  #4  
Old 31-10-2016, 05:51 PM
Lorelyen
Posts: n/a
 
I think I'll await Poppie returning before saying more. I hope she's ok. I hoped she might have been back.




...
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  #5  
Old 01-11-2016, 10:09 AM
keokutah keokutah is offline
Deactivated Account
Join Date: Nov 2015
Posts: 562
 
I've been through that in my past.

It sounds like you're going through a spiritual awakening, it makes you more sensitive to energies around you, but sensitive people are also more prone to mental illness symptoms and attracting negative energies, so right now you really need to focus on your wellbeing.

Since everything feels out of your control, right now you need to simplify your life. Cut out things that don't serve you, only do things that benefit your wellness.
You also feel this strong desire to revolutionize your life. I'm guessing your heightened emotions are just your way of trying to get your own attention, because that's normally the case for all of us. Listen to your emotions. What are your emotions trying to tell you? Our emotions always serve a purpose. If you actually listen to your emotions and try to find a resolution, it won't build up and become unmanagable.

If people are a huge source of pain in your life, cut them out right now and just focus on yourself.

I'm guessing you are at a time in your life when you are being directed to figure out what you truly want to do in life, and you are being called to step away from everything that no longer serves you, and to make positive changes.
Nothing's working out? Perhaps that's a good thing, and it's forcing you to look inward and rely on your higher self and figure out your life. Maybe the reiki and the path you lived before, is not what is meant for you anymore, maybe there is something even better that awaits you in your future, that you haven't yet thought of.

Self-harm is usually a method of coping when things feel out of control, which is why I stress the importance of you trying to relinquish control.
It is that control seeking that sometimes allows us to rely on darker, negative energies around us, because sometimes those darker energies allow us to feel more powerful, when we are feeling weak. Maybe there are reasons why we have denied the light in our lives, maybe we felt abandoned by God, etc...

Sometimes we just don't have control over things in our lives and it's best to accept that, like in the first 3 steps of the 12 steps of AA.
Step 1 - We admitted we were powerless, that our lives had become unmanagable
Step 2 - Came to believe that a power greater than us could restore us to sanity.
Step 3 - Made a decision to turn our will and our lives over to the care of God as we understood him.

I also highly recommend doing a cleansing ceremony of some kind. I strongly believe that in most cases of self-harm, the person is influenced by a negative entity or even posessed, and you can benefit like I did in my past, from cleansing the negativity out of your soul and body.
Doing regular cleansing is recommended. You can use sage and crystals.
But also take showers, go in the sauna, go for swims, sweat, work out, etc.
Water, wind, storms, fire, earth... all the elements are extremely cleansing and you can ask the spirits of the elements to help you cleanse and heal. So spending time in nature, hugging a tree, sitting around a fire, lighting some candles, sitting out in the wind, or recharging during a storm - all of those things are really good for your spirit.

Physical activity is very important, especially if you have some brain imbalances going on, it can really aid in health in every way, but most importantly it strengthens your spirit bodies as well. The stronger your spirit bodies become, the less negativity around you will influence you.
Just the fact that you say you cry for hours, and there is no obvious reason, means you are picking up on energies that are most likely not yours. So, you really need to strengthen up your spirit. Ask your spirit guides/angels to cut your cords for you, or do it yourself by imaginging a sword cutting all emotional cord attatchments.
Also, you can practice wearing a shield (imagine an impenetrable shield surrounding you), or just wear protective crystals.
Definitely continue to surround yourself around love, like that you have with your puppy. If people are attacking you in life at this point, don't worry about that, that happens in a spiritual awakening, to help us learn independence and self reliance, which is a beautiful freeing thing.

I think the type of Buddhism I practice is different than yours, but I think you would really benefit from the type of Zen Buddhist practice, where you just focus on the moment, it is very peaceful and great to relieve fears and anxieties of the past and future.
Along with trying to find alignment with your destiny/higher purpose, you could gain a feeling of gratitude and calmness and peace simply by practicing Buddhism and meditating, or just existing in the moment.

If you really do have depression (it doesn't sound like it, it sounds more like you're miserable not depressed) then physical activity and healthy diet will help, but if it's misery, then you're going to have to work on the underlying issues that are causing that misery with therapy or self-work.

Either way, I wish you the best and hopefully you get through the struggle soon.
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  #6  
Old 01-11-2016, 03:16 PM
acorn acorn is offline
Knower
Join Date: Apr 2014
Posts: 173
 
Me too!!...at least 3/4 of those symptoms...8 months strait ...no drugs....haha....just weed...lol

this is Kundalini energy ...and it is sort of cleaning you out from the inside out...dredging out.. everything....it wants to leave no stone unturned in the field of your consciousness....this energy will look under every rock to expose things to your awareness...to me it felt as if the rug of my awareness was ripped from under my feet....falling...and falling...with no real point of reference to cling to.
Everything that I thought I knew..was torn apart...and the falseness was eventually revealed, and replaced ...with the truth....which is truly stranger than fiction.

I would tell you to embrace it...knowing full well how hard that can be.
when we are not trained in an esoteric way...these Kundalini surges can bring us to the edge of sanity.....it's like you said ...who do you tell this to ?..they'll think it's rubber room time for you....I can remember thinking that I MUST look different than I did before ...because the internal change was so...I don't know, completely new and foreign ....my creativity was off the charts

Fear is the thing that you must try to combat...easier said than done I know but ...try
Now you know that you are not alone in this...feel free to PM me if you wish

It is that in me that knows this in you

Love
acorn
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