Am I a prude?

[7luminaries]

well I could certainly do worse...

Now in response to your questions :

I'm saying he is too self-absorbed to keep his fantasies to himself and to respect you as a separate person.
Instead, he is trying to make you a willing prop or object in order to live out his fantasies,
and he stoops to insults and name-calling on top of that when you won't just fall into line with his "re-enactment".

I have no idea how he feels, but I assume he has, like any predator, reassessed the sitation and moved on.
Initially he classified you as a target but when you stated your position and were not easily swayed, he probably realized he miscalculated.
Because he is not violent, at least not in public, he left it at that and moved on.

However, I would not want to give someone like this any other inroad into my life.
He appears to have very little respect for others as individuals.

Take care of yourself and be safe ,
7L

Just wondering why you would ask others if you are a prude regarding what you would or wouldn't do in the bedroom?

If it's something you don't agree with or digest well, than it is not for you. We should never need another's opinion on what WE choose for our lives. And, if someone calls you a prude over something you are not comfortable with, so be it. Differences in our choices and in our opinions is what makes us an individual. JMHO

[7luminaries]

I think people ask a variety of things, often for perspective, and there's no harm in it, particularly if they are very young, innocent, and/or their safety may be at risk.

I think there's no harm and certainly no shame in asking, and I think it's righly assumed that we all use our own judgment in evaluating the responses.

peace & blessings,
7L

[twinkle]

Thanks again. Since I do not easily become attracted to men, there are not many men I have been attracted to. Don't ask me why I was attracted to this one. Due to this, I do not have as much sexual experience with men or know what is the norm behind the scenes. I asked the question because I did not know if I was overreacting.

In that context of how you've explained yourself, I agree. I thought you were looking to label your particular preference as either prude or not.
My mistake.

Originally Posted by twinkle

Yes, I came across a man interested in this. I can't say if past men I dated were into this since I did not stick around long enough to find out. I got mad at this man for revealing his sexual fantasy to me. I am not sure if I had the right to be mad just because I did not like it. I did not have to participate if I did not want to. Recently, I read some relationship advice that stated not to make your man feel ashamed to tell you sexual fantasies. Just checking.

I haven't read this entire thread yet, but I had to stop and make a comment about this. Technically, yes, making a person feel ashamed of their inner personal fantasies is not really a wise thing. Mostly people will either get all defensive about it and verbally attack. Or they will withdraw and feel miserable for having chosen the wrong person to open up to.

But if it's not really your thing, you've got to tell them in a none judgmental way that you're just not into that as well. Because if you don't set that up right from the beginning, they may get the impression that you are ok with it and will try to force it onto you, thinking that it's alright to do so, because you're really into it.

I've actually had that happen to me several times, and have wound up with a heart full of holes over not being upfront about how my partners fantasies really made me feel. So my best advise is, be true to yourself. But don't belittle or put others to shame because of what they're into.

[7luminaries]

I think there is a lot of conflation here, initially perpetrated by the man asking the OP if she was into group sex, as a participant his "creative art" form.
This particular situation is not about anyone's sexual fantasies, and it's not about sharing said fantasies with a trusted, committed partner who loves and cares for you. These are actions that this man apparently participates in regularly and/or will do regularly.

It's a fact that there are predators and they seek to prey in particular on those who are vulnerable and inexperienced. If we deny that a woman, expecially a young and inexperienced woman, is in a vulnerable situation when a man has already approached her for group sex like someone for hire, then we are in denial of the realities of life.

The OP (Twinkle) has every right to not only say no, but also to be offended that she was approached straight up for sex, and not only that, but for group sex.
She does not have to honour or respect the disrespectful and dishonourable behaviour of another.
She has every right to reclaim her dignity and to set him straight.
She has every right to draw boundaries and to inform him he was offensive and disrespectful.
He can share his fantasies in an appropriate venue...approaching a near-stranger or casual acquaintance is not one of those venues by the standards of most.
And most importantly, it's not acceptable by her standards, and that is all that matters. IMO the gent in question needs to look outward and learn some socially acceptable behaviour, which he's obviously resisting, because currently he's very focused on his own immediate gratification. And she has every right to put that back on him.

BTW, there was no belittling or shaming by the OP of the man who propositioned her for group sex. However there was belittling and shaming of the OP by the man, because she said no. Clearly, there was very little by way of any respect for her as a person.

I think we all need to realize that honour and respect for ourselves is absolutely just as primary as respecting others. If others refuse to approach us with respect and honour, then IMO our primary task is to draw the line in the sand and, by so doing, set them straight on proper boundaries and respect for others.

Honouring oneself by standing up for your dignity and reclaiming the boundaries they've overstepped is the most respectful thing you can do for someone who lacks respect for others, &/or who lacks proper respect for the boundaries of others.

Peace & blessings,
7L

Originally Posted by 7luminaries

[size=2]Honouring oneself by standing up for your dignity and reclaiming the boundaries they've overstepped is the most respectful thing you can do for someone who lacks respect for others, &/or who lacks proper respect for the boundaries of others.

Peace & blessings,
7L

Yes, and that's exactly what I was getting at. You do have to stand up for yourself and put proper boundaries up. But it's how we go about doing that, that creates the cause and effect in the other person's reaction to being confronted with a set boundary.

Would the man have become so defensive and started verbally lashing back at the OP if she didn't let her anger/disgust get in the way, and simply said she just wasn't into that sort of thing? It's very possible that the situation could have transitioned a little easier, and with less ruffled feathers for both parties.

Sure, everyone has the right to get angry at the things which make them upset. But, is it always a good idea to display our anger at the person who may have angered us? And angry response usually begets another angry response. One can still keep their honor and dignity without resorting to a negative emotion.

But as for my "belittling" comment. I was referring more to my own past experiences with these kinds of matters by simply making a statement. It wasn't meant to be an accusation or anything like that.

[twinkle]

Before then, I told him I was not into that. He brought it up again when I thought I was blowing it off. It was not so much the suggestion as it was him hinting I was narrow minded that got me mad.

Then he should have left it alone after the first time you told him you weren't interested. Though I suppose he didn't do that because he may have wanted to defend himself after that initial rejection, probably didn't want to come off looking like a total sex perv. But yeah, you're better off not being with someone who's going to start getting verbally aggressive with you, just because you don't happen to share the same interest.