Hello there paragon, first I'm so sorry for your trouble and your recent loss. I'm going to speak from a practical standpoint, to share more on what others have already said. Regarding how you may frame your journey and engage more consciously in your own healing (which I see very broadly as walking your path consciously).
Doing and being are always mutually causal. So to be, we do. And to do, we be (LOL).
Being is a particular challenge for those with depression, anxiety, or low mood generally. It is a spiritual challenge, a burden that you must shoulder. But it is doable. And the roots of it may very much be found in past lives as well as from childhood or family predisposition (as Shivani noted). But looking to past lives is something that unfolds on your path and you can always come back to further study of this after you've found your footing in your present life.
So...be kind on yourself and recognise that this is a long-term daily challenge and not a one-and-done. Also, it's best to do away with the notion that awakening, clarity, and spiritual progress will fix your mood to perma-high, though certainly you may learn how to better manage it and access or be with the sublime joy of being. What a relief to free yourself from the burden of having to be a certain way in each moment to ascertain spiritual progress
Being with yourself with intentional presence and clarity and acceptance in the moment IS the sublime joy of being...this will become ever clearer over time. It is the simple product of being with your centre and living from there. And there is a great and profound beauty in being with yourself in each moment, and attending to all that you are and experience, including what we may normally feel is bad, or painful, or uncomfortable, or weak, or negative, or dreaded or shameful. These aspects of self are really just aspects of divine love, helping point us to what needs tending and what is imbalanced in our lives.
Now...to the doing.
This is where you can mould your character and your efforts are not bounded by whether today or this year you feel particularly low. You can commit to conscious living and build your character and rest of this whilst you tend to your mood and to self-care. To start, it's just as I noted above. Being with yourself and accepting yourself and your feelings and experiences as they are. You can manage some of the burden of being through doing
...and through doing, you build respect and regard for your character (your being), which is foundational to healthy self-love.
And beyond that, it is as Jyotir and others have said...it's about committing to being with yourself in all that you do and say. This means taking conscious decisions in the moment -- certainly for what you do and say day-to-day and for how you live your life. Taking full ownership for your choices and (this is key) for your intentions and your thoughts, as well.
This is the path of sacred work...it is all you do and all you are, reflected in your conscious commitment to your path in each moment as you engage with yourself and the world.
Here's a really commonplace example to make the point: pre-awakening
, approaching most social relationships (of any kind) as ultimately amoral and utilitarian. On how they serve you.
E.g.,: If a man: we "mutually agree" to a relationship (which I obtain primarily for my sexual use of another) and my intention is irrelevant. I always obtain mutual agreement. Birth control is on her, as are any terminations coz I didn't sign on for that and it's about my convenience. Emotional engagement is not on the table because I issue "disclaimers" from the start that I am not about commitment long-term. We are each individuals and owe nothing to anyone aside from what I have set forth as the "terms of engagement" of this relationship, which provides me with exclusive sexual rights to my partner so long as I see fit. (Here, the entire unstated premise is that another human being exists purely for your momentary or repeated use and discard. This underscored modern discussions of privilege and hierarchy and extreme exploitation in the area of "partner" "relationships", itself a hard-core euphemism in this context).
Post-awakening, there is a recognition that amoral utilitarianism is fundamentally misaligned as it is dehumanising and does not allow for the mutual fullness of our humanity. In any relationship (fam, friend, partner, neighbour, stranger, etc). That is, boundaries and responsibilities may of course vary with the exact relationship, but that the only valid way of relating to anyone in any relationship is from a position of authentic love
(lovingkindness and equanimity), which actively seeks and supports the highest good of the other(s) equally to the self. And the highest good of the self, equally to the other(s).
AND...that we as human beings need authentic love in ALL our relationships...be they fam, friend, partner, neighbour, stranger, etc. No cherry-picking, LOL.
my intention in any relationship or exchange is central and paramount. If, e.g., I sexually engage with another without consideration of his or her highest good, I am dehumanising and dishonouring them. Regardless whether they have "mutually consented" to a "relationship", which BTW they may define very differently from me (i.e., perhaps as not purely for sexual and casual engagement, or perhaps as not limited to that long-term or even at all, or perhaps that all "conditions" are null and void once physical intimacy obtains, etc., etc.). We cannot know the intentions of another, only our own, and that is what we are responsible for in the moment with all our words and all our deeds.
So, it is not the intention or understanding of another OR their professed "mutual consent" that excuses or condones my behaviour...as they cannot do that for me. I and only I know my intention and whether or not my intention toward another is right-aligned toward both self AND other(s) -- or whether it is misaligned (in service to self), in order to exploit the body, the health, and perhaps the emotions and hopes of other(s). I make the choice to engage or do or act a certain way with another person, and the alignment of my words and deeds are what define my character -- not legalese or mainstream cultural norms
. And not whether I can con, mislead, coerce, or force another into doing my bidding at the expense of their own highest good, whilst still absolving myself of criminal charges in a court of law (LOL). Remember, it continues to be normative to exploit, degrade, discriminate, and persecute designated groups...and even to murder and rape your neighbours of many years during mad periods of civil war all round the globe. Cultural norms are ultimately useless as guideposts unless they align with authentic love in being and doing. And thus they cannot be used to justify or absolve misaligned behaviour, which does not equally consider the highest good of others and self.
Point being, if you have committed to the path of conscious living and conscious service
, that is among the most critical of steps. And you can find great peace and affirmation in living consciously, knowing you are actively forging the mettle (metal) of your soul in each moment.
Peace & blessings