Originally Posted by :)14:)
A Joyful New Year to Everyone!!
Could you share your wisdom with me, please?
I've had the paralyzing feeling of being "not good enough", prob. for 1000s of years, plus got the program from family. Now, I was born with a huge desire to accomplish something big, but due to an illness I'm nowhere even where I normally should be.
"Not good enough" is burnt in my aura. How do you heal this program in you when even your environment, and healers reflect this back to you and don't believe in you but rather in people who have great (bardo) life-plans to realize in this life-time, and even communicate this now and then to you? Treat you as less worthy?
I don't remember any of my past lives but I had this experience of not good enough to a very strong degree as well. First it started as a child being physically attacked by other children for seemingly no reason, then problems in the home for instance one of my parents would respond to me voicing my dreams as "Well you need to have talent to do something like that." and things only got progressively worse.
it got to the point for me where I believed that even God hated me, even the very source of unconditional love had nothing but disdain for me based on the evidence I saw before me. That is the conclusion that I came to, the world hated me and everyone was trying to kill me.
The world didn't succeed but at a certain point I attempted to pick up where the world left off and I decided that I should try to destroy myself since the world seemed to be only able to torture me and that is what I tried to do but not physically. I tried to destroy the source of feeling within myself, I tried to destroy that which witnesses and observes from within...I failed.
One day when I was in my early thirties after many years of attempting to kill the witness within I ended up in a church for worship service and by this point I had come to the conclusion that my perception of things were incorrect, that God in fact didn't hate me and so I was thankful to be able to be in the church and hear the people singing out to God and thanking him for his love.
However even though I had come to the conclusion that God didn't hate me, I didn't see myself as being worthy but rather tolerated. Sort of like "Well, God doesn't hate me and I should be thankful that he hasn't killed me yet and he's allowing me to be in here with these good people." I had for years asked God to speak to me and tell me he loves me but it never happened.
After the service was over I was standing in the prayer line and when I got to the front the man who was praying for people asked me what he should pray for and I said "Just pray for whatever you think, I don't have any requests" and he started to pray and out of habit thinking it was the right thing to do I just repeated his words and he said "...stop" and so repeated "...stop" and he said "No, you stop. God is telling me to tell you that you are worthy." and I immediately broke down in tears having spent my entire life feeling unworthy of even love from God.
Since then I haven't questioned my worth, that was the end of it and I've grown leaps and bounds in this area. I realized later that if God had spoken to me and said "I love you" I still could have doubted it and said "Nah God doesn't love me, I was imagining that" and so I had to be told through somebody else.
What I can tell you with absolute certainty, without even the slightest infanticimal doubt is that you are without question good enough and without question worthy and it has nothing to do with how you are or whatever quality you assign to yourself because you are an expression of the very source of unconditional love itself and that love is at the very core, the very fundamental level of your existence.
You already know of this love but you have believed the lie that it is disconnected or somehow not valid and that is because you are allowing others to determine it's worth and validity.
Imagine that you have done some crime and you have been brought before your peers to be judged and sentenced. There is no question about your guilt, you know you did the crime and so does everyone else, the only question is what should be your punishment. Even though you are remorseful you know that what you did, you should not have done and so you agree there should be a consequence. However there is disagreement among your peers as to the severity of your punishment.
Some say you are remorseful and that is enough. They believe you have seen the error in your ways and that because of what you have learned from this, you will actually be a benefit to others going forward.
Others say while it is good you are remorseful, it isn't enough and you need to be put away to serve at least some minimum sentence and then perhaps afterwards we will see whether you will be a benefit or not.
While still others say you have messed up too greatly and you need to be put to death even if you are remorseful.
If you put yourself in this situation mentally you will see the one constant is that you, in the center of your being if you are willing to listen still love yourself even though you are guilty of the crime, even though you've been found out to be imperfect and capable of such a crime you still love yourself and are not willing to give up and write yourself off as wasted.
That unconditional love that you were born out of is all you need to know that you are good enough and that you are worthy. Not because of anything you did or didn't do but because of what you are and nothing can change that, not even a trillion lifetimes of delusion and forgetfulness.
Sincerely, please embrace yourself as you deserve and allow yourself to feel the love that you have for yourself and I believe this will allow you to feel the love that is rightfully yours being expressed continuously around you!
What you are searching for is where you are searching from.