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Go Back   Spiritual Forums > Spirituality & Beliefs > Love & Relationships -Friends and Family

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Old 08-06-2020, 10:36 PM
echogirl echogirl is offline
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Join Date: Jun 2020
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Where exactly do I stand?

Insecurity, disappointment, and uncertainty all seem to cloud my judgement...

There is a man I have been getting to know over the past 9 months or so. When we started out, it was purely sexual (and very passionate.) We put a limit on things by terming ourselves FWB, and to avoid looking to clingy, I just went with it. I kept my options open, and tried to have a life outside of this relationship, being that it seemed superficial, but our time spent together was anything but...

Over the course of our time together, we spent many evenings and nights together... we went out to dinner, bowling, karaoke... we would hold hands and go arm in arm in public... we spent evenings at his house watching tv, eating dinner, playing board games... and we had MANY deep conversations about anything and everything. Needless to say, we grew rather close together. He is absolutely one of my best friends, and never do we have a dull moment together.

Problem is...a few months in, he asked to be monogamous, but not exclusive...whatever that means. Basically he doesn't want an "all immersive" relationship because he has a daughter and doesn't want to bring families together. At least not yet. I kind of get that, but I do think he could make more of an effort to bring me closer if I mean anything to him. He doesn't want to use the term girlfriend or boyfriend, and I told him that without he can't ask me not to see other men. After all this time, I do think we need to make things a little more official. I feel like a secret...

Is it time for me to move on, or am I being too pushy?
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Old 09-06-2020, 12:30 AM
LadyVictoria LadyVictoria is offline
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Join Date: Jun 2020
Location: New York State
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Where do you stand? That's a good question but not for people on this forum to answer but rather that's a question for your intimacy partner.

For the past 4 years I been in a similar situation. We just broke it off for the second time in the past month. I broke it off first because after 4 years I was done being his dirty secret and he got so scared of losing me that he finally broke the news to his estranged wife. Then a couple weeks later he broke it off with me because he doesn't want to co-habitat and he knows I do.

Of course we have a wonderful connection and great chemistry but our needs and desires are not in alignment nor have they ever been.

The weird thing is I had a harder time dealing with me breaking it off with him then I did him breaking it off with me.

I don't think you're being pushy but obviously he's keeping you at arms length for whatever his reasoning is and I know first hand that is not a comfortable place to be in and it will cause feelings of insecurity, doubt and disappointment.

That whole "monogamy but not exclusive" thing you need clarification from him on. Personally it sounds like he wants his cake and he wants to eat it too. I'm thinking he doesn't want to share you with anyone but at the same time he wants his options kept open. That's not fair to you, so you have to ask yourself is this worth the hassle of his wishy washy non-commitments and are you happy keeping your options open as well?

The daughter thing sounds more like an excuse than a reason. Sort of like with my ex-partner. Even as FWBs there should be no reason to keep you a secret from his family.

As long as you let him play his game he will play it so you have to make some hard decisions. You need to make it clear to yourself what you really want in a relationship and talk to him about it. If what you want doesn't line up with what he wants and you can't come to a compromise amenable to you both then I'd say time to move on.

Communication, communication communication is what a good relationship needs. Good luck and as a side wink: keep your options open at least until you both are on the same page.
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