Twin dream and disturbing realization

[marina]

My twin and I broke up in July. I forget the exact day, but a few weeks after the break up I had a dream the night I realized it really was over, at least for now, between us. I know I was devastated, but this dream meant so much to me, though at the time it caused me pain. Now, in retrospect, it's encouraging. And it feels more like a memory than a dream. It was incredibly short. It felt like a rip in time where we had the chance to meet, but I was pulled away and back to this world after only a few seconds. So here it is...
I just remember darkness all around, but seeing him standing, facing away from me. I walked up next to him and he looked down at me and smiled. He took my hand and these screens (the best way I can describe it) with moments in time on them appeared all around us. Some I recognized, others I didn't. We were enjoying them together. It was such a happy moment, deciding which one of the moments we would enter into together. We knew we could walk in and out of any of these "memories" we chose to. Then, like I said, everything went black and I felt like I was pulled away. I woke up sad. It hurt because of what was happening in the waking world. But now, I suppose it brings me some sort of comfort. I miss him terribly still. I haven't seen him since May and he was supposed to come see me in September, but since we broke up, that's not going to happen. I want to be near him so badly. I had been quietly keeping this dream to myself, but I decided to share it today because yesterday was such a dark day for me. I had been making a lot of progress emotionally and spiritually but had a huge slip. I found myself worrying and obsessing over him again. I wished that a woman, who had caused me some pain in the past, had died from her brain cancer instead of surviving it. In the moment, I actually felt pleasure from wishing that. Now I realize how disturbing it is to feel that way. I don't want to feel that way at all. I don't normally hold grudges, but I've had trouble letting go of this one particular thing, and I know the results of that have had a huge effect on my relationship with my twin. I want to let it go. I'm ready to, but I just can't seem to release it no matter how hard I try. It's holding me back.

[intj123]

You need to be strong on your own, when you are strong enough you won't feel that you need/miss him anymore. Love yourself unconditionally.

I've had much worse thoughts than you, 10 times more often too I bet.

Trust me you're a saint compared to me.

[selene]

Progress and happiness do not come exclusively from aha, happy moments, as I keep finding out the last year. They come from those painful, dark moments that you just seem like you've hit bottom. Things do get better though and there is always a plan. September is still far away :)

[Flameseeker]

You need to realise that dark forces have the ability to alter your dreams to prevent TF Union.
Listening only to your heart.

My twin died sometime ago & prior to me being able to communicate with him (only sensing him) I dreamt of him saying very nasty things to me, at first I thought it was my own issues & fears, but now that I am able to communicate with him he has shown me that it was other dark entities that were influencing my dreams.

In the same way that I have been psychically attacked ever since I was a teenager.

Many TF meditations on utube arnt to be trusted either.

[hineahuone]

Originally Posted by Flameseeker

You need to realise that dark forces have the ability to alter your dreams to prevent TF Union.
Listening only to your heart.

Many TF meditations on utube arnt to be trusted either.

I am careful about which meditations I listen to so thanks for this warning.

[marina]

Thanks for the replies, everyone! Posting here and hearing feedback from you guys really helps me work out my emotions. I always start to feel that way at night after he goes to bed, but in the morning, when we talk again, I realize I have nothing to be afraid of. :) Now I'm learning to be strong on my own.

[Awakened Queen]

Just remember that your mind is not YOU. The mind can go off on crazy tangents and start thinking weird thoughts, but YOU have control over it. You need to become the watcher of your mind, instead of allowing your mind to control you. I highly recommend yoga or meditation for learning how to harness the different (even unsettling) thoughts you have been experiencing. It's normal to miss him. It's normal to feel sad. You need to allow yourself to feel those feelings, but you don't need to be a prisoner of your own negative thoughts. You will have days where you will feel like you're making tremendous progress and days where you will feel like you're sliding back. Have patience with yourself every day. Be kind to yourself. You're doing great. And if you don't believe that, you need to keep telling yourself