Mother Issues

[davidsun]

Originally Posted by Samaka

I am 100 per cent sure your mom has NPD.
There are different kinds of narcs...somatic, cerebral etc and narc mothers are a whole different thing. Just google daughters of narcisstic mothers.

Good for you for cutting her off. It's the only way.


http://narcissistmommy.blogspot.com/...-true.html?m=1

Great article, Samaka.

Here's a link to bits and pieces about 'setting boundaries' in relation to narcs.
https://narcissistabusesupport.com/boundaries-quotes/

[LibraIndigo]

Originally Posted by davidsun

Great article, Samaka.

Here's a link to bits and pieces about 'setting boundaries' in relation to narcs.
https://narcissistabusesupport.com/boundaries-quotes/

Thanks. I have a family member with npd so am well versed in it. Thats not my blog btw! Just one I pulled from the internet when I googled mother's ruining daughters lives. Just wanted to show the op she is not alone in the craziness. Sadly I don't think setting boundaries works with narc parents. You can set them all you want but they wont respect them. No contact or very limited contact is the best way.

Originally Posted by FairyCrystal

Interesting you say that... When I told someone about the things I've experienced with my mother, she said "Geezzzz, are you sure she's mentally okay because it doesn't sound like she is."
That hit me like a brick in the face. I'd never thought about that. Even though I have often thought that the way she treats me and makes me feel was very much like my ex, a narcissist. Sometimes it's real helpful to get other ppl's insights.
Thank you!

FairyCrystal,
Here is a better site I found. I'm telling you she is. Once you identify it it becomes easier to deal with.

http://parrishmiller.com/narcissists.html

[davidsun]

Originally Posted by Samaka

Sadly I don't think setting boundaries works with narc parents. You can set them all you want but they wont respect them. No contact or very limited contact is the best way.

I was wondering about that. I appreciate the 'knowledge' you share. Makes complete sense.

[starnight1]

Originally Posted by Baile

one-sided inflexibility I'd suggest might need some work and attention.

The inflexibility may get from abuse, too....also get from the birth astrology, i feel.
I had an ex very stubborn and inflexibility, this is why we broke up, but now when i learn more as time goes, i realize its not all his faults, he was a silent man, he supressed a lot of things inside himself, his parents were very strict and harsh people,he had to supress , and as time goes he developed the stubborn and inflexibility.....

[FairyCrystal]

Thank you Samaka! It could indeed very well be that she is an NPD, although it's mostly men, like borderliners are mostly women.
But in any case, it would explain why she often made me feel exactly the same way my ex did, who was an NPD.

[FairyCrystal]

Starnight, I was told by an expert that I am way too flexible because of my past. At that time it wasn't about my mother, but about having been bullied for years on end as a kid.
He told me that abuse (i.e. being bullied) can cause someone to become too flexible, because it's a coping technique to avoid flak. He said that wasn't necessarily bad, there a good side to being flexible as well.
I realized he was right on all counts, but with what is happening in my life it looks like I am still too flexible with my boundaries.
I am a big softie, very sensitive and I always believe in the good of people. That got me hurt often in life. So however great it is to believe in the good of people, I will still have to work on stronger boundaries.
And if I still get abuse in life, think about why. I believe in Law of Attraction, so if it happens there must be something in my vibration that attracts or allows that to happen.
Thank goodness I'm not attracting such ppl anymore, so I think I'm doing quite well. I got a great man in my life now, the new friends I've got are wonderful too.
Since I left my NPD ex I noticed I got real good at spotting other narcissists. I had 3 friends at the time who were with one too. I always thought it was a rare thing, apparently NPDs are very common. When I met their partners, I recognized it right away and felt immediate resistance too.
That was a relief, because I had been worried about falling for an NPD again. I mean, at first they're really nice and charming, so how can you tell? But clearly I've developed a radar for it so I can smell 'em out.
But I doubt I would attract one anyways, not anymore, because I've done a lot of work on personal growth, gotten much stronger. Lots of Abraham Hicks got me on a higher vibration.
So all in all I'm doing really quite well. Just that stuff with family like my mother. Like I said, until recently I wasn't even aware just how much damage was done by her behaviour because I didn't fully realize it was this bad. I always thought the bullying in the past was the main reason of my problems.
Oh well, I'll get there. I don't believe in standing still.
Somewhere around 2005 I was told by a reader that I chose this difficult life to finally learn to say "No!" Apparently I've had a lot of chitty lives and now I want to be done with it, get empowered and not put up with it anymore.
I chose quite the setting to learn that, hihi.

[starnight1]

Fairycrystal,when i m reading this, and i also have already read other posts before...i still feel u r actually healthy mentally and spiritually,there is no problem with you. except one , u r a softie.
u r too soft hearted.
the people planted in your personal life such as your mother and your ex, they just can't know the precious of the soft heart, they take advantage of it, and suck your energy.
even if u have learnt or still learning to stand still, those energies will still come to soft people to suck and steal , and it is actually very hard to defend,cos people like u r a target for them.
u attract them back for a reason, cos ur energy is different from them, and they want to eat your energy.
it is like a HEX,
i dont feel a traditional therapist can do anything for this. it is a highly spiritual attack ..... (its like those lightworkers, they r often under attacks.)

[SeaZen]

Originally Posted by FairyCrystal

Anywho, to repeat my question: anyone managed to successfully let go of 'mummy issues'?

Hello FairyCrystal

Not sure exactly what you mean by "letting go of issues". Is it the anger/negativity you feel when thinking about these things you experienced in the past or is it trying to heal the negative patterns you personally developed as a result of this? (or both?)

Anyhow as far as the anger/negativity is concerned, unfortunately, there is no way to erase our memories and during vulnerable moments they may pop up every now and then. For example, there are times you may feel empty inside inside for reasons that have nothing to do with your mother but you unconsciously search for a reason to blame you emptiness on and those "mummy" issues pop up. In this case, realize what is going on and fill that emptiness by connecting with a friend, playing music, exercise or whatever it takes.

Other times you may be completely fine and consciously thinking about things and the issue of your mother or "fill in the blank" comes up which causes negativity to well up inside. This one is a bit tougher. Again, realize what is going on inside you and allow yourself to feel the emotion without the accompanying thoughts (cry, get angry whatever). Go for a walk or exercise and place that emotion (without the thoughts) at the forefront until it dissipates.

Though we can't erase our memories, the good news is that we can greatly diminish their impact to the point where they no longer have any significant impact on our day to day lives whatsoever.

This process takes awareness and practice and the more you practice this the better you become at it. The sign of success in these cases is how quickly and effectively you are able to come back to a balanced state after experiencing those negative memories by doing the things I mentioned above.

As far as blaming yourself and anger at yourself is concerned for not being strong enough to overcome it when it was happening. Realize this, you were not equipped at that tender childhood age to effectively deal with what was going on. No one is. Think of it as if you got into a physical altercation with a UFC championship fighter and got knocked down. You would hurt for a bit but then realize there is no way you could have won that fight and would brush it off and move on. Use that analogy when thinking about your situation.

Finally, I would highly recommend that you see a professional counselor to assist you and coach you with the coping strategies I mentioned above and any negative patterns you personally developed as a result.

I wish you well on your healing journey!

[FairyCrystal]

SeaZen, thank you for your feedback :) And yes, that analogy is a good one!
For me it's mostly the last bits and pieces of it all. I'm not angry at my mother, she is the way she is, she's not going to change, and that's okay.
The biggest problem I'm facing is that because of her claiming and manipulative behaviour, has in a way robbed me from being able to be me, to develop as the real me. In short I think you could say my right to personal freedom was taken from me.
Now this was not the case all of the time of course. But it is the overall tendency. I also know my mother isn't a bad person, she truly means well, she is totally unaware of what she's done/doing to me. I also have quite clear why she behaves this way, to do with her own childhood and mother. And that makes it all very understandable. Yet, that doesn't make it right that I have to be victim of that. As it is her choice to not work on her issues (I really don't think she even sees them) it is my choice to not put up with it anymore, and thus re-claim my own space.
For me this is really difficult. I've been trained in a way by all kinds of events in my life to feel as if I don't have the right to personal space, freedom of choice. Of course that goes hand in hand with developing low self-esteem at a young age.
ANd the fact that I know she's not a bad person made it more difficult, because it made me feel guilty whenever I said "no". My NPD ex added to all that, same sort of thing, although from him I got direct abuse, every type of abuse you can think of.
I've already healed a lot, worked through much, but these last bits and pieces are quite tough. Dealing with the feelings of guilt is especially hard. The old rut and conviction that I haven't the right to choose for me, to say "no", seems to be deeply ingrained. So much so that I sometimes ain't even aware that I'm falling for it again, hihi. But I'm getting better at catching it.

I don't see myself as a victim btw. I'm a happy positive person, I work on myself, always have, always will. That's part of who I am. I don't blame anyone, not my mother, not my NPD ex. As a matter of fact I'm grateful for the relationship I had with him, even though it was kinda hell on earth. But it made me grow and made me stronger. I can now be happy and positive because of that experience.
If I hadn't been with him, I now wouldn't have been ready to clear these 'mother issues' either. Cos those are truly the deeper layers, logical as mommy is the first person that's real close to you in life.

I have indeed asked for help with this, and am getting it somewhere in July. Not a counselor. I'm not into counseling, not my thing and not what I need. But coaching I can totally work with.

Thank you for your feedback, appreciate it! And I will sure remember that analogy, it's great!

[FairyCrystal]

Originally Posted by starnight1

Fairycrystal,when i m reading this, and i also have already read other posts before...i still feel u r actually healthy mentally and spiritually,there is no problem with you. except one , u r a softie.
u r too soft hearted.
the people planted in your personal life such as your mother and your ex, they just can't know the precious of the soft heart, they take advantage of it, and suck your energy.
even if u have learnt or still learning to stand still, those energies will still come to soft people to suck and steal , and it is actually very hard to defend,cos people like u r a target for them.
u attract them back for a reason, cos ur energy is different from them, and they want to eat your energy.
it is like a HEX,
i dont feel a traditional therapist can do anything for this. it is a highly spiritual attack ..... (its like those lightworkers, they r often under attacks.)

Hihi, thank you StarNight!
Änd yes, I know I'm quite sane, grin. Indeed too soft hearted. And yes, lightworkers often get this stuff I guess. It is indeed that the more spiritual ppl see me for who I am, softhearted and sweet. Not so spiritual ppl feel I'm the opposite.
Thank goodness the man who is now in my life does see the real me. I was speechless when he told me how he perceives me. I've hardly ever had it happen that ppl see the real me. Tremendous relief, I could finally be me!
The first time he mentioned it he looked at me in wonder and said "So strong and yet so vulnerable."
I think I cried *blush*

Thank you for your words! Even though I don't know you, it means a lot to me!