finding balance

[kindheart]

I've had my shares of struggles in relationships. My last one was the most painful one. My self esteem went down badly. He was kind, very attractive, we shared many interests, did fun things together... but I wasn't everything he wanted me to be and I wasn't as beautiful or healthy or outgoing as his ex. He never said it directly, but he did talk about her as if she was a goddess, and me, well, he often criticized me and he pushed me to lose weight all the time (I'm in the high average bmi range... not overweight though), amongst other things. Weirdly enough, he was caring though. I don't know why he kept dating me (after a few weeks dating, he did say he wasn't attracted to my body and he didn't know how long he'd stick around if I stayed that weight, but that he loved my personality so he wanted to give it a shot). Needless to say it crushed me. I felt like crying every time I saw those pretty, healthy, hippy-ish, naturally beautiful girls who don't even have to wear make up (his type... which I'm not). I became so insecure it's what drove him away. But I was unhappy anyway. He had committment issues and I wanna be with someone who loves me for who I am.

We broke up last fall, after a few months of dating. I'm still struggling pretty badly with it. I loved him. I'm losing hope I'll ever find a guy who's everything I want but who'll also meet my emotional needs, and who will love me for who I am, as much as I love him. I've been crying a lot lately. Most people I know are happily married with children. I seem to be feeling worse when the weather starts to be nice. I'd give everything to be able to spend wonderful days and nights outside with a lover, camping, cuddling by a bonfire, stargazing, doing fun activities outside... I have good friends, but I feel so lonely even when I'm surrounded.

I know relationships won't work until I work through these emotions. Until I start feeling more grounded and in control of myself and of my emotions. Until I trust I can be everything someone will want me to be. That I can be good enough, pretty enough, funny enough... Even tarot card readings suggest so (they even suggest another relationship that will most likely resolve in a lost battle, my fears and lack of balance being at the root of it). I just don't know what to do anymore. I don't even feel my guides near me anymore.

Can anyone help? Give me concrete advice on how to feel better while being alone and single? On how to love myself and truly believe I'm very desirable? People tell me I'm smart, kinda cute and sweet. I believe it. But I find myself odd and boring... which adds to my lack of confidence in myself.

How do I find emotional balance?

Oh honey, I wish there was something I could say that would magically make you believe you are worth it, but truth of the matter is, you really have to learn to love yourself for who you are.
This guy that you "love", is just as broken as you are, just in a different way. His issue is that he is still in love with his ex and no girl, no matter how beautiful, will make him truly happy until he deals with his broken heart and gets over her. That is his isssue, and something he will have to deal with at some point.
As for what you can do for yourself. What makes you happy?...What makes you smile? What makes you feel good? as yourself these questions and answer them honestly, and then do what makes you happy, smile and feel good...and one day you will realize that you deserve so much better then a man like that.
Treat yourself, how you want others to treat you, and you will notice the changes.
I hope this helps you

Ive been through what you are going through many a time. It isn't easy but I agree with the poster above. It really comes down to learning how to love yourself and be happy with being alone. Once you learn how to do this then love will find you. Don't ever settle for less than you know you deserve and never compromise who you truly are as a person to please someone else. Do not settle for any man who does not accept & love you for you and never accept being someone else's second choice.

kindheart, I am sorry for your pain. Know that you are not alone. There are many women looking for a loving relationship. I say this in reference to how complicated human relationships can be, especially if one partner bases desire and love on appearance, which your ex seemed to have, the way he talked about his ex "goddess". I just have to tell you that I think that was sadly disrespectful - it is not kind for a man to tell a woman he is in a relationship with about how perfect his past girlfriend was. And although he might have been honest about his feelings toward your body, I think this type of "honesty" doesn't have a place in new relationships. Because real honesty would have him examine HIS issues and biases around women's body shapes and sizes, not project them onto his girlfriend and make it "her" problem. I just had to tell you that.

As for concrete advice on how to be okay single, I wonder if there are ways you can nurture your self; romance yourself? Take yourself camping, cuddle yourself by the fire. Embrace this time to yourself as for yourself. Find what makes your heart sing - art? Movies? Walks in the woods? Crafts? Anything that is good for you and develops you is an active practice of self love.

Sometimes it seems we find the right mate when we are not looking. So when we get busy living our life and making ourselves happy, it's like we are setting the stage and activating the synchronicity for a loving mate to come our way.

Also, what kinds of social groups do you like? Naturalists, spiritual, sporting, personal development classes? Ask a friend to join a group with you if you don't want to go by yourself, and then you will immerse yourself in a pool of like-minded people and might have better odds finding a compatible mate there.

Lastly, every morning when you look in the mirror, say "Good morning, gorgeous, you are beautiful and perfect! Have a great day!" it might sound silly or futile, but developing a daily routine of positive self affirmations like this somehow changes our energy and can make our energy more receptive and attractive to the right people. Believe it, dear one, and it WILL happen!

[kindheart]

Thanks you so much to you all... I absolutely agree with everything you said and these are amazing pieces of advice!! I wish I had more time to myself to find fun things like that to do. I work full time and have to finish my thesis ASAP (which is a huge stress/burden), and even when I'm not working on my thesis in order to do fun things, I feel very stressed out and guilty because in the meantime, my thesis isn't progressing any further... At the same time if I don't take the break, I'm not productive though. I will try to find balance in that area also :) Hopefully once the thesis is done (the bigger chunk by the end of summer, let's hope!) things will start looking up, as I will have more "me time".

Thanks again, so much xox

[joyfirst]

Originally Posted by Raven Poet

Take yourself camping, cuddle yourself by the fire. Embrace this time to yourself as for yourself. Find what makes your heart sing - art? Movies? Walks in the woods? Crafts? Anything that is good for you and develops you is an active practice of self love.



Lastly, every morning when you look in the mirror, say "Good morning, gorgeous, you are beautiful and perfect! Have a great day!" it might sound silly or futile, but developing a daily routine of positive self affirmations like this somehow changes our energy and can make our energy more receptive and attractive to the right people. Believe it, dear one, and it WILL happen!

Love this!

Kindheart- you chose that name for a reason. Obviously there is more to you than meets the eye. I have been through a similar situation, with my ex. He consistently said similar things toe. Eventually I just picked up and moved away (made a bit easier since my mom was in a different state). And I had a "long" 7 months of loneliness before I met my now husband on a blind date.

My suggestion for you, find things that you love to do that bring inner peace to you dear. They will bring out your glow, and more than likely bring closer people that are better for you. When you start doing things you love, you tend to love yourself more. :) Blessed Be Kindheart, and I hope you can find your path again.

[kindheart]

Thank you so much everyone... Wolfmoon, your story brings me a bit of hope...

[Lisbet]

"I know relationships won't work ... Until I trust I can be everything someone will want me to be."

Here is a major issue you are dealing with. You want to please someone and fulfill their desires, especially their superficial ones. It seems alright to want to please others because it shows you are a good person, however this is what you need to let go of. It is better to help people and to support people, however, than to please them. Being a pleasing person is neither good for you or anybody else. It helps the things people think they want, but not what they need, and it leads to unhappiness.

This desire of yours is full of good intent, but it is misguided. Love yourself, don't worry what someone else thinks, and then the right person will come. You should start looking for someone who isn't looking to be pleased. If you both come to each other already content, then nobody will have to be trying too hard for the other.

Your ex is a jerk, take him off that pedestal for your own good. We all need to stop calling the dog poop a flower eventually.

[Lisbet]

Originally Posted by Raven Poet

Because real honesty would have him examine HIS issues and biases around women's body shapes and sizes, not project them onto his girlfriend and make it "her" problem. I just had to tell you that.

I just have to say, there is so much good truth in this! I hope you pay special attention to this, kindheart. Start dreaming up a man who can look himself in the face and see what is staring back.

Unfortunately we are drowning in a culture idealizing a certain type of female, and men get pulled in the undertow. I hope you will look for someone who can swim.

I hope that makes sense.

And I love the idea of a daily self affirmation!