Will Admit I'm Confused

I wrote about my experience in the thread about being able to trust guides again so I apologize for the repeat. It was an 18 month long experience that involved close communication with spirits via a pendulum that, in the end, almost drove me crazy. I still don't know if every spirit I spoke with was the same entity or if the dark energy copied the style of my other guides. Back in spring 2012 my guide came through as "Saturn." I had a guide named Hope. But in the end my last "guide" tricked me, manipulate me, lied to me, and worked hard to end a relationship for me. Now the relationship is sinful and needs to end but I didn't deserve to be driven nearly past the point of my sanity over it, dragging another human being down with me. Upon reflection, the more time that passes, I see I learned huge lessons and am stronger for it but I am also terrified of anything alternatively spiritual. I was taken for a hugely painful ride by a spirit that acted for months like a loving advisor who told me constantly that I was loved, had a beautiful soul, and was loved by God. In the end that same spirit (I think) berated me, called me names, promised me my one heart's desire: that I would meet my real love soon and because I had such an uncommitted husband throughout my first pregnancy and two years of my son's life I would get married again (my divorce is almsot final) and have another child even though I will be forty this year. I finally BELEIVED. I believed this would happen. I gave over my mind, heart and soul after holding back my trust for years. And then it tried to break me.

I was physically and emotionally abused for the first 20 years of my life. I am not perfect but I am a pretty good person- even if I made a few bad choices because my one weakness is love. I was put through Hell by this thing and now I am put off from Spirit altogether. I am afraid anything not of the bible or Christianity is the work of darkness. Yes- I'm afraid. I'm afraid because I swear by all things holy that my reality was manipulated by this entity. Signs, songs, all my tarot cards, fortune cookie messages- they all followed this journey I've been on for the last 18 months that started seven years ago when I began this foray into the paranormal. And to think I never truly believed! Oh I believe now.

It finally let me go. The only thing I can think is God took over. It could have killed me, ruined my life- I'm not kidding. I was in a very dark bad place the last few nights of communicating with it. One night it told me we were done and I was never to use the pendulum again. By this time though it was telepathic. What I'd longed for for so long ended up a curse. Luckily I have a strong will and it had a hard time breaking me. It acted all tough love on me. Told me pain is the only way I learn. Assured me it always loved me, and that I was loveable but I am not ready to be so open and I need to go back to God and learn my foundations, be a better person. But it also told me God was going to make me go through early menopause so I couldn't have any more children- just mean and spiteful and hateful. I am an amazing mother even after being highly abused as a child by my own mother.

In the end I learned I have to get over my self-hatred. I was told a few specific things for 18 months: love yourself, heal yourself, God loves you and wants to use you to help people, and be creative again. I did none of what I was told to do and in the end I was "punished" for it, beaten into a submission that thankfully I just would not allow. I am stubborn- weakness as well as strength. I am a survivor even if somewhat broken in my past. I'm healing now although this changed my life. For the better but it was overwhelming and I'm trying to adjust.

I did not have to do any of the things it lead me to. But I trusted so much. It begged me to trust, to finally give in and trust. I'll bet it used the word trust nearly ten thousand times in 18 months. And when I finally trusted it turned on me. I lowered my morals- my decision but I know in my heart in some instances I was lead into temptation. I was told, "I tested you over and over and you failed every single test." This was emphasized to me with electrical jolts, not painful but not entirely pleasant, through my body as the power behind its energy flew off the charts.

After I burned my letter board and all my records of it along with disposing of all my new age stuff I banished it and asked for help from my church. I have a child to think about. This thing poked me and moved things in my home and I am NOT crazy. Far from it. I was scared. I don't ever want it around again. Ever. But I'm afraid I'll never know if I can ever trust anything other than God, Jesus and The Holy Spirit ever again. I'm so confused. I slammed shut a HUGE part of my life in one night. I am mourning although I feel by strong in my faith. I so know God saved me. Without His help... I'd be in a bad place right now. I am thankful and feel very blessed. If you wonder why I am so sure I was saved by God- I just know in my heart. He has been speaking to me for a while but I wouldn't listen. Maybe He was teaching me a hard lesson through a lesser spirit.

Maybe I am just not cut out for being open to the spirit realm. God knows I am sensitive when I was always so afraid I was plain, normal and closed. Ha!

But I am scared and confused. And I hate that because I'm sure it's what it wanted. I'm afraid if I ever open myself up to Spirit again them it will come back. For now I am content to just stay away. Mainly because this was all emotional. I have an insanely blessed life that I am very thankful for. Only thing lacking is romantic love. I had two isolated ****** marriages, all part of my lesson I'm sure, and I long for a true love. But I have a wonderful son and an awesome life. I feel I'm supposed to go back to being... at ease for a while. Lean on God and let Him do the rest. Put my faith and trust in HIM instead of some lesser spirit, move on. I trust that if God himself wants me to be attune to Spirit then it will happen in time. My friends would sigh and tell me right now- you ARE attune to Spirit even through your fear!

I like Belle's signature and it is true for me: I am well, blessed and free from suffering. Giving my worries, fears and wishes over to God. Take care.

(edited by staff)

[Albalida]

Originally Posted by Fae2573

I feel I'm supposed to go back to being... at ease for a while. Lean on God and let Him do the rest. Put my faith and trust in HIM instead of some stupid spirit.

Then it sounds as if you know exactly what to do, and where or who to turn to. Your fears and doubts can be laid to rest and released to your God, and you'll be at ease for a while.

I am also terrified of anything alternatively spiritual. I am afraid anything not of the bible or Christianity is the work of darkness.

Your path is your own. Your fears are yours to keep or release or reason out. However, I feel moved to caution you about casting judgments onto other people-- those who would pursue alternative spirituality. For quite a few people, it's Christianity that has worked darkness in their personal lives.

For those individuals to say that Christian principles, symbolism, and so on is a force of darkness... would not be okay for them to say, either, even if they personally had an aversion to Christianity. You know? So, I would advocate a mutual respect.

And of course, wishing you and your family well, on your life path.

Oh one thing I will never do is cast judgment on others about alternative spirituality or paganism. I just am not that type of person. In my heart the new age movement has taught me so so much that I can't think of it as bad, no matter what some might say. I have respect for the beliefs of others. All I can say is for right now it is not right for me. For others who are well balanced then it may be just fine. I don't judge, believe me. When one points a finger there are three pointing right back! God judges, not me. When I said I am afraid... I meant my confusion and uncertainty has made me woder things I've never believed before. That is one of them. Do I believe it? Nope. It rings false to me.

And yep- by the time I wrote all that I figured it out, lol. Thank you for your response!