Mirroring on commitment & surrendering

[FairyCrystal]

Since all the shifts and upheaval I went through in August and early September I've come to realize just now that we seem to mirror each other when it comes to committing.
When we met neither was looking for a relationship, which I think is good. We didn't come together from a place of need. In spite of not looking for that, we both felt that way when we met, that very first time.
Due to circumstances he didn't have the time and space to fully commit to a relationship, I noticed I needed time to work through triggers. So we decided to take it easy. But how can you take it easy? Feelings grow, get deeper.
Yet his circumstances haven't changed, will take another 6 months, and I still get triggered like crazy. Since August worse than ever before to be honest.
Up till now I thought I had really committed, but now I'm thinking I haven't. Not really. Yes I love him, want him, want a future with him etc. etc. But I haven't truly surrendered. Nor fully committed. I'm holding back out of fear.

It recently dawned on me -based no something that went down between us end of August- that he needs my trust. Trust in him, in us. That shifted something in me. I slowly began to become aware that as long as I do not really trust, do not have complete faith, he cannot get to that place either. He needs my faith and vulnerability to be able to shift to that place with me.

As it is, I keep getting signs from everywhere and nowhere that i have to take a leap of faith. I have to trust. Leap of faith. That's the message I get time and again.
Now there's reading about a leap of faith and understanding the concept. It is beautiful, isn't it! But trust me, it changes entirely when you are required to take that leap! It is scary as heck!
Ironically, I had the Fool card as a theme card this year. At the time I didn't think it would mean "leap of faith". Now -like the fool- I'm standing on that cliff and I have to jump. Hoping, no, trusting, that I will be okay.
Part of me wants to jump, knows I have to jump if I want to move ahead in life as an individual and with my TF. But I'm so scared. So very scared!
And then there's the realization that we mirror each other in this. He's holding back, I'm holding back as well. Even though I'm totally crazy about him, he's the best thing that ever happened to me, and i doubt there is a better match for me out there. He's all I ever dreamt of in a man, and more even. Yet, I am holding back, am not taking that leap. I've tentatively put one foot in the doorway, but I'm not walking through it.

Knowing that if I want this to work and to move forward I will have to jump, doesn't really help In a way it does, in another sense it's pressure.
Why does the feminine always have to be the first to move? Grmble...
Can anybody hold my hand as I jump? No? I didn't think so... boohoo

Come to think of it: realizing all this IS a major step forward!

[A human Being]

Don't overthink it. Don't get caught in anxious thinking, don't try to rationalise the fear away, don't say it shouldn't be there, don't try to shut it out, don't try to deny it. I'm sure we've all employed such strategies at some point in our lives, but do they help to minimise the fear even a little bit? They might help to repress the fear, but that isn't the same thing as overcoming it.

You know what they say - 'the quickest way out is through'. So when you feel the fear arising, be mindful: Notice the fear, notice your reaction to it, notice how your body's tightened up, notice how your mind's telling fretful stories - and don't indulge them, don't buy into them, stay with the feeling. Feel the resistance in your body, allow it to release, and breathe; you might feel uncomfortable, unpleasant sensations as you do so, but understand that this is your body releasing previously blocked energy, and it's a good thing even if it doesn't feel good (it's not the movement of energy itself that creates the discomfort, it's the resistance to it that does so).

I'm not going to tell you that this is a going to be a quick or painless process - in all likelihood it's going to be neither, and you're going to have to stick with it if you want to move beyond the fear. But I know I don't need to tell you that it's something you need to do.

[FairyCrystal]

Thank you for your reply, Human Being!
And yes, through it... It is difficult. When I get badly triggered it completely overwhelms me :/ But I am working on it, got help with it too
I must admit I had not expected it to be this hard since I'd already cleared so much for years on end. I think I'm now getting at core issues, which are always the hardest.
But yes, I am doing my best to go through it, not suppress it.

[Akira]

It's tough isn't it, your post made me think to. It gets harder the closer you get to coming together because the stuff that comes up has been sitting there dormant and it's probably the stuff that we are most attached to.

In fact your post made me realize that there is some of this going on for us as well.

All the work can be exhausting though, can't it and sometimes it's easier to suppress rather than go through it? Think i need to work through it all too.

[A human Being]

Originally Posted by FairyCrystal

Thank you for your reply, Human Being!
And yes, through it... It is difficult. When I get badly triggered it completely overwhelms me :/ But I am working on it, got help with it too
I must admit I had not expected it to be this hard since I'd already cleared so much for years on end. I think I'm now getting at core issues, which are always the hardest.
But yes, I am doing my best to go through it, not suppress it.

Yeah me neither, and in retrospect I'm glad I didn't know - if I had known, I think I'd have ran very quickly in the opposite direction

So I do appreciate how challenging it can be to not get caught in the mental chatter and become overwhelmed - like I say, stay mindful of what's happening below the neckline, and if you can feel yourself tightening up, allow the tension to release and breathe, let your body soften and release whatever's being held. As I say, I know it can be challenging but try to stay consciously embodied as best you can - and have faith that whilst it may not happen overnight, issues will be resolved in time

[A human Being]

Originally Posted by Akira

All the work can be exhausting though, can't it and sometimes it's easier to suppress rather than go through it? Think i need to work through it all too.

Suppression's a habit we've learnt and so yeah, it can seem easier to do that rather than opening to the fear and pain that might be buried inside of us - it's a question of breaking bad habits and forming healthy ones, I think, and the more you do it the easier it gets. Exercising self-care is also important, sometimes you just need to chill out :)

[FairyCrystal]

Originally Posted by Akira

It's tough isn't it, your post made me think to. It gets harder the closer you get to coming together because the stuff that comes up has been sitting there dormant and it's probably the stuff that we are most attached to.

In fact your post made me realize that there is some of this going on for us as well.

All the work can be exhausting though, can't it and sometimes it's easier to suppress rather than go through it? Think i need to work through it all too.

I think suppressing is the very reason we are now faced with these issues. Things we stuffed away as children, possibly starting at home even because we had no say in matters since we were considered 'too young and not knowledgeable'. Or parents that simply didn't allow us to speak up or to express emotions etc. etc.
Lucky are the ones who grew up with little 'trauma' during childhood and teenage years! But then, I know everyone's got their cross to bear in life.

About suppressing, I sometimes have wondered whether I had suppressed something as opposed to have worked through it. I sometimes find it difficult to tell the difference?
I think maybe what Human Being said: feel your body. If there's anything getting tense when you think about it, I take it it's suppressed.

I know I've suppressed a lot during my 10 yrs with a narcissistic partner. Lot of what has to come out now is due to that, although I must admit the core issues were already there, he just made them much worse.

But this realization that I too am holding back, that kind of hit me There was me thinking I at least had that part sussed.

Good luck Akira, and feel free to share here if you want. If we can all help each other like we're doing now. Isn't that in itself wonderful?!
I feel that at the moment there is much more love and light being shared in these forums. Me likes

[FairyCrystal]

Originally Posted by A human Being

Yeah me neither, and in retrospect I'm glad I didn't know - if I had known, I think I'd have ran very quickly in the opposite direction

So I do appreciate how challenging it can be to not get caught in the mental chatter and become overwhelmed - like I say, stay mindful of what's happening below the neckline, and if you can feel yourself tightening up, allow the tension to release and breathe, let your body soften and release whatever's being held. As I say, I know it can be challenging but try to stay consciously embodied as best you can - and have faith that whilst it may not happen overnight, issues will be resolved in time

Indeed, had we known before, haha. I did know I would get triggered, first relationship after a narcissist, kinda logical. But I had NOT expected it to be this bad, nor to last this long.
I will try to follow your advice. When I don't get triggered too badly I can do that. I do know things manifest in my body very easily. To be honest I think most if not all of my chronic ailments have to do with this sort of stuff.
I have noticed of late the bad triggering goes straight to my lower back. I was told lower back pains have to do with stuck, old emotions. Silly that I only became aware of this last week as I've had increasing problems with my lower back ever since I met my TF last year. Normally I could do with therapy every few months, now it's on a far more regular basis.
Other times it's my shoulders and neck (weak spot, I got a neck injury). As of yet I have not been able to work out what emotions affect my back and which ones my neck though. I do think there will be a difference.

Anyhow, thank you!

[ssdm1]

Trust in this relationship is a big issue for me. The past few days when I thought all was lost, when I was not sure even our friendship would survive, when I questioned God, the universe, my faith, something kept telling - Trust. Then there was his message this morning saying all the things I needed to hear from him.

Trust is the hardest thing of all, to let completely go and have faith that all will work out against all odds. So, do trust FairyCrystal, take that jump.

Deep things are coming up for him to deal with now. With me, his twin, in the picture he can no longer ignore these things, he is having to face them and apparently now he is. Love is his issue. He never learned what love truly is from his childhood. He feels comfort, lust, companionship in his relationship, but not love. Then there is me, his twin, who shows him for decades what love feels like. It's foreign to him and scary. I can tell from his messages he still isn't clearly seeing love, but he is getting closer.

Now I'll see if I can keep the trust going.

[A human Being]

Originally Posted by FairyCrystal

Indeed, had we known before, haha. I did know I would get triggered, first relationship after a narcissist, kinda logical. But I had NOT expected it to be this bad, nor to last this long.
I will try to follow your advice. When I don't get triggered too badly I can do that. I do know things manifest in my body very easily. To be honest I think most if not all of my chronic ailments have to do with this sort of stuff.
I have noticed of late the bad triggering goes straight to my lower back. I was told lower back pains have to do with stuck, old emotions. Silly that I only became aware of this last week as I've had increasing problems with my lower back ever since I met my TF last year. Normally I could do with therapy every few months, now it's on a far more regular basis.
Other times it's my shoulders and neck (weak spot, I got a neck injury). As of yet I have not been able to work out what emotions affect my back and which ones my neck though. I do think there will be a difference.

Anyhow, thank you!

You're welcome

Yeah, I think generally we underestimate just how long it can take to work through these issues, and how painful it can be (and honestly, maybe it is for the best that we do so!). A lengthy relationship with a narcissist is going to create some deep-rooted issues, though (and presumably the relationship itself happened as the result of pre-existing wounds, too), so it's to be expected that it's going to take some time to resolve those issues. So it's important to be mindful, yeah, though at the same time I think there are inevitably going to be times when you become overwhelmed by the inner turmoil, and you just have to get through it as best you can. But hopefully the more mindful you are, the less frequently that will happen :)

I'm sure you're right, too, that most if not all of your chronic ailments can be traced back to those psychological and emotional wounds (stress has a profound effect on the body, for example), so you might benefit from doing body-work if you don't already do so - eg yoga or qi gong - and/or different types of massage. I researched it and apparently a whole host of emotions can be stored in the back, including guilt, shame, insecurity, anger - link here if you're interested. It can be useful to know this, because if you're feeling pain in an area of your back and you know it relates to shame, say, you can explore your memory banks for times when you felt ashamed and embarrassed and then sit with whatever feelings come up.

It's not an easy road but you've got this, the therapy's helping tremendously I'm sure and of course you've got your TF in your corner with you, too