Am I allowed to be upset by this or no?

So i wrote a long thread about my ex and I's odd back and forth relationship. Its the one titled "Pls Pls Read. Back and forth for 3 years. when is enough?" if u want to know the full story.

Anyway im gonna keep this short. She is out of town on a family trip in Denver till wednesday. She called me Sunday and said she went out with a friend she knows there. I was never aware she knew anyone out there so was curious. Turns out to be this one dude i cant stand. This guy stalked my friend and was all crazy about it, talked **** about me since i was friends with the girl he was obsessed with and he thought we hooked up, and is just a total tool! Thing is she didnt know i knew him or had any idea how i felt about him but still.

This dude is like a pretty boy type and that is not her crowd so i was shocked that she called him to go out clubbing. She said she was dancin with him and his friends but didnt hook up with anyone. Now even though we arent together we are seeing each other and she is trying to win me back. It wouldnt be wise of her to hook up with someone if she wants me back plus i told her for us to tell each other if it did happen. She insisted nothing happened.

But for some reason i cant get this out of my head. I have a real strong sixth sense that is usually right and i feel like she is again lying to me. You dont get it, i have real strong animosity towards this dude. He is from my moms home town and i guess she met him at a rally up there a few weeks ago. She says thier just friends but it must have been something more if she doesnt know him that long, exchanges numbers and goes clubbing with him by herself in denver right? I know it sounds like insercurity and may be a bit but its more so cause i cant stand this guy and im shocked she would hang with someone like this. Hes a total player and deep down i feel something did happen and she is lying again. What do i do? im more so convinced i dont want to work things out anymore just cause this. am i wrong for feeling this way?

[John32241]

Deception is deeply embedded in our culture at this time. You can find it everywhere if you want to look for it. Is it any wonder that some see it as their way of life.

I suggest that you make choices that you will be happy with. Be kind to both yourself and all of those who you are involved with.

There is no point in finding fault with some other guy when you are not happy with your circumstances.

Best Wishes!!
John

Why don't you tell her that you know this 'friend' and exactly how and what your dealings with him were. If he's the controlling/stalking type, she should be aware of it. I'd also say that your spidey sense is tingling that she's not being totally forthcoming.

It might be that she did hook up willingly, but it also might be that being the total 'tool', he did not take no for an answer. It also might mean it went further than she's willing to admit to herself.

I don't know... I could just be blathering.

You're allowed to be whatever you want. But at the same time you don't own anyone. Everyone who enters into a relationships needs to talk about all the aspects of the relationship before getting too envolved in it. If you find out that you both have different ideas about what is permitted, that should tell you something. You might not be right for each other.

Certainly I would say that if there is any negativity between the two of you, any feeling of lack of trust, then the relationship shouldn't be maintained without clearing the air. A relationship that continues in distrust or pain will rot and fester over time. If you can't trust her then you need to look at that. How do you know you're not paranoid and it is your own insecurity and paranoia? How do you know your sense is accurate. Regardless if your sense of things is accurate or inaccurate, is your perception of her now tainted to the point where your relationship cannot recover from it?

Know what you want from a relationship, and have a complete discussion about relationship models and how you want to interact in the relationship before it goes for any length of time. So much pain will be avoided by making explicit the assumptions we leave implicit.

Originally Posted by iolite

Why don't you tell her that you know this 'friend' and exactly how and what your dealings with him were. If he's the controlling/stalking type, she should be aware of it. I'd also say that your spidey sense is tingling that she's not being totally forthcoming.

It might be that she did hook up willingly, but it also might be that being the total 'tool', he did not take no for an answer. It also might mean it went further than she's willing to admit to herself.

I don't know... I could just be blathering.

I do have to agree with you. My so called "spidey sense" lol is very strong and is almost always accurate. Your last paragraph sounds pretty spot on. I do feel something did happen and i dont know if it was kiss, sex or just dirty dancing but i ask her this, how would she feel if i did that same thing to her? Calling up some girl she cant stand and knows is a player to hang out with and go clubbing in another state? i dont think she would like it at all! And i dont think its smart of her to pull this move since she is trying to win me back. We talked before she went that we have no intentions to hook up with anyone but if we did we have to tell one another. She insisted she didnt want to. But... my roomate and someone else asked if its possible she just made this all up to make me jealous or get a rise out of me because of what i did in San Fran the last time??? hmmmm. Its possible. She is a liar after all!

Originally Posted by Topology

You're allowed to be whatever you want. But at the same time you don't own anyone. Everyone who enters into a relationships needs to talk about all the aspects of the relationship before getting too envolved in it. If you find out that you both have different ideas about what is permitted, that should tell you something. You might not be right for each other.

Certainly I would say that if there is any negativity between the two of you, any feeling of lack of trust, then the relationship shouldn't be maintained without clearing the air. A relationship that continues in distrust or pain will rot and fester over time. If you can't trust her then you need to look at that. How do you know you're not paranoid and it is your own insecurity and paranoia? How do you know your sense is accurate. Regardless if your sense of things is accurate or inaccurate, is your perception of her now tainted to the point where your relationship cannot recover from it?

Know what you want from a relationship, and have a complete discussion about relationship models and how you want to interact in the relationship before it goes for any length of time. So much pain will be avoided by making explicit the assumptions we leave implicit.

The whole trust issue is just on her. I never did anything to distrust her. It was her that kept screwing up and there have been times in the past where she broke down saying what is wrong with her? how come she keeps screwing up and making wrong decisions? i told her its in her control but obviously she cant control it so she needs help. I still dont trust her and i already know what i have to do. I dont want to be with her anymore because she blurs my vision from my path. Before her its clear and then she comes along and blurs it. Its the love and passion we share that is addicting but when it comes down to it because of all these lies and deception she has pulled on me, i really dont know who the real her is which is sad after all this time.

She didnt know before hand that this guy is a tool, player and doosh. I told her that the day after she told me she went out with him. She said she met him through friends and that she isnt attracted to him. just friends. But.. in my eyes why would she get some dudes number that lives in another state with intentions to call him when she went out there? There had to be some sort of intention. Im not stupid. She never told me that was part of her plan. And when i find out who it is i warned her about him and what he has done and she just played inocent that she had no iddea. But if she went out with him again than thats a slap in the face to me. It really disgusts me cause i know how this guy is. He wont take no for an answer and is pretty sly with his game. He isnt her type though which gets me and we did say that we are not to hook up with anyone especially since she was trying to win me back!

This dude is one of those pretty boy types and she is more into the cali style rocker with tattoos which is how i am. I dont know but im going to follow my gut cause it has not turned me down yet and im going to wait till wednesday when she gets back to cut her loose. Hell, last i talked to her was sunday when we fought about all this. she didnt call yesterday and i have no intention to call her. If it stays that way than thats fine with me.

Hmmm i don't know Drew. You just called her a liar *alarm bells are ringing*. Is that someone you want to be with? Is it just a burst of the ego that this girl is trying to 'win' you back? Be honest with yourself first and foremost. What do you want? And do you want it from her? Can you trust you will get it from her?

Time to ask YOURSELF questions, not her or what she does and with who she does.

Bright Blessings

[Silver]

Originally Posted by Tinks

Hmmm i don't know Drew. You just called her a liar *alarm bells are ringing*. Is that someone you want to be with? Is it just a burst of the ego that this girl is trying to 'win' you back? Be honest with yourself first and foremost. What do you want? And do you want it from her? Can you trust you will get it from her?

Time to ask YOURSELF questions, not her or what she does and with who she does.

Bright Blessings

Oh, that post is pure genius, Tinks. And brave to say what many w/b thinking to read about Drew's situation here.

I don’t think you should hold this against her because about hooking up you ‘... told her for us to tell each other if it did happen.’ I assume hooking up means having sex w/ someone else. That you told her that the 2 of you should disclose if either of you hooked up w/ anyone probably gave her more than enough leeway to consider that it was OK to go on a date. You might want to examine this open relationship policy. Many a person didn’t start a date intending to have sex, but ended up in the sack at the end of it.

What is relevant is that it made you address your feelings. If it hadn’t been Mr. Pretty-boy Player, w/ whom you have bad history would this have been an issue? If you have unearthed that you really do have feelings for her this may be the time to take the relationship to a new level. Are the feelings are only about resenting Mr. P-b P being involved & not really about your wanting her for your self? You are the only one who can sort these out.

It might be high time to have a frank conversation w/ her about whether it is OK for either of you to go out w/ others if the 2 of you are considering getting back together. Who initiated the reconciliation doesn’t matter. It is OK for you to tell her that this incident provided you w/ the opportunity to examine the open relationship issue & you want an EXCLUSIVE relationship w/ her. Be specific about whether this includes dating w/o sex. Discuss this frankly.

If she wants to be able to try to get back together w/ you, yet date others then you will have to decide if you are OK w/ this or whether you aren’t. Drop having to KNOW what happened w/ Mr. P-b P though. I think the agreement to disclose if one of you had sex w/ another if that’s what you mean by hook up is unrealistic. Having an open relationship or friends w/ benefits seldom works if one really cares about the other person.

Did you tell her that you have bad history w/ Mr. P-b P? Total disclosure may be useful.

Try to separate your strong dislike for this guy from the situation.

Tinks and Mattie you are right and i have thought about things and its not ego that she wants me back. Not ego at all. She realizes she screwed up in the past and keeps telling me she knows im the man for her and wants no other. It was clear from the start and always is with us that while we are seeing each other and trying to figure things out we do not see other people. it was clear before the trip. I told her if it was to happen to let me know out of respect and she snapped back saying that she hates when i say things like that because she is in love with me and doesnt want anyone else. I dont know if anything happened or not with this guy. She said nothing happened and that she just wanted to go out for the night and doesnt plan to hang with him or his friends rest of trip since its a family trip but with her track record im not 100% confident in that. Of course i have feelings for the girl but yes it bothers me more that it is this guy just because of the history.

I mean, how would she feel if i had just met some girl a few weeks or month ago and then call her to hang out if i go to another state? i gurantee she wouldnt like that. I honestly feel she may have done this just to rub in my face because last time i met someone in san fran but at that time we were not even really dating. When she confessed to her biggest lie she has withheld from me a few weeks ago i confessed out of respect. she said we are now even which i disagree with that whole notion cause she did alot more deciet and damage but i just let it go and agreed.

I now feel she purposely brought this up and told me out of the blue sunday to try to get a rise out of me and if she did hook up with him she probably feels its ok cause i did back in the day. to me its a different situation by far. how could you do that and even meet up with him if she is trying to salvage us? IMO not a good move by her. I was already leaning towards cutting her loose just cause the damage is too permanent but the connection and love we have is what held me to questioning to commit. I persnally am not ok with open relationships and i KNOW she is NOT open to that. Even when i was showing her my Vegas vacation pictures a week ago that took place a month ago when we were not talking, she got really upset when she saw pictures of me with other girls. nothing even major but she is very insecure and protective so i know she wouldnt want an open relationship and neither would I. Bottom line though this situation was the icing on the top for my decision that i just dont want her in my life anymore. I feel i dont really know who she is anymore, i dont trust her, for all i know she made up this story to get a rise out of me. She is capable of doing something twisted like that. Hell i havent even heard from her since we talked Sunday and i dont intend to contact her. Like my boss said, she wants the cake and eat too.

She knows that im a very stable and secure man that would take care of her but i dont like that. i feel like im being used and i really do think a part of her is using me for that security. She doesnt really have a whole lot to offer when it comes to what i look for in a woman. Im 30yrs and she is 26. i want someone with a more grounded career and to me it seems she is going back to her old ways of acting on impulse without putting herself in other peoples shoes or the repercussions. She addmitted to the when we broke up last year. i think its just who she is and in my eyes its getting worse the older she gets and i dont want this woman dragging me down. Im a very ambitious go getter type of person and go after my dreams and make them happen but everytime she pops in the picture it makes me take 10 steps back.

When she isnt in the picture i am happy and a free spirit but after a few weeks of us dating again just like in the past i start to feel depressed and a huge weight on me cause who knows what she will do next. its the passion, connection and love that sucks me in but i know im capable of letting it go as long as she just stays out of my life and she cant seem to do that.

P.S. I went to her facebook yesterday to see if she posted this new picture of her i sent on her profile pic and her relationship status said : "In a civil union". What does that mean? Does it mean that since were ex's we are being civil and we are thinking about working things out hence "Union"? No really big deal but just curious. I didnt even know you could type in your own status's