Not sure what to do

[Raziel]

Originally Posted by innerlight

psychic vampires

Michael Tsarion does some great work on psychic vampires.

I never had a term for it previously but I have encountered a few people over the space of about 20 years that seem to exist in causing others misery or discomfort.

It's definitely something substantial.

For me - the first thing I do is categorically state NO! in my mind whenever said person is around. I refuse to have my life energy drained because of their negative, draining actions.

They will say "did you do this" - to which I'll answer something like "I always do that, I have done everyday for 7 years"
they might try & pick at you once more - if so I'm as defiant again. Although they loiter eventually they realise that they can't feed on you today.

At times I felt physically weak after spending times dealing with these types until you essentially expose them by treating them as something that feeds on your souls pain.

Watching them metaphorically starve is quite entertaining as they literally have nothing to do in life without having someone to drain of energy.

.

[AnneC2013]

I’m familiar with narcissism my mother and sister are definitely that. But I have no communication with them that was my choice. As for my husbands mother, I’ve talk to her and yes she’s a narcissistic person. I just can’t believe still he’s ok with her behavior he saids ignore it but it’s hard not too when living in the same house with her. I talk to my husband many times he just gets angry at me. I feel there is no solution.. I don’t want to end up divorce but I can’t keep going through this. It’s draining everyday I’m tired and sad.

[7luminaries]

Anne -- I think Innerlight's and others' advice is spot on...you will need to get a therapist and almost certainly, a divorce lawyer.

If you get the divorce papers going and move out with the kids whilst separated, you AND the therapist AND the lawyer may (may) be able to convince your husband to go to therapy.

From there, you MAY be able to convince him to move out in hopes of living with some autonomy and peace -- and thus perhaps saving the marriage.
But as Raziel said, the toxic in-law can still try to insert themselves & run your lives. Or interfere with it and stir up conflict.

So a lion's share of the work in therapy will really be your husband's IF he chooses to participate and save the marriage, to help him learn to identify his boundaries and when they're being transgressed.
So that he can establish healthy boundaries in support of himself -- and thus his marriage and anything else in his life.

YES -- he will have to grow a pair. And unless he can draw healthy boundaries and truly stand for them, it's basically hopeless and there's nothing for it.
That is the mission ahead, should you choose to accept it...recognising that he may or may not choose to come with you.

Either way, however, you need to get away from this for your own health and well-being and that of your children.
So, the therapist and lawyer are most of all for you, to support you in getting to a separate living space with or without your husband -- regardless of whether your husband joins you.

Best of luck with all of this !!!
Much love & light to you
7L

[AnneC2013]

Hi Thankyou for all those who responded to my post so far everyone has been very spot on and I don’t take advice for granted. I agree with 7luminaries, raziel and innerlight I agree with everyone. I’m just very scared of taking the next step of acctually going through with a divorce. However; I don’t want to keep going through this. My husband I don’t understand. His mother is very dramatic goes from one extreme to the next esspecially in complaining. But she only comes to me and not my husband (her son). She keeps saying if he doesn’t want this marriage he should tell his mother and me. She’s even including other family members in pointing out in a round about way to saying I’m the problem..
his brother wants me to divorce my husband. My husband won’t say anything. I asked him to stand up for us and his reply was as no he’s not gonna do anything. I said so u rather everyone think I’m a problem? I’m even starting to think he is seeing someone else! I’m just very scared to start a acctual divorce all these thoughts run into my head like how am I going to survive, what about my children, am I going to be alone for the rest of my life all these crazy thoughts. But I know I’m not the first and not the last to go through it. My mother in law was caught cheating this is one of the reasons she’s creating so much trouble.. but it’s my husband too he won’t stand up for me he won’t move out, nothing.. �� it hurts.

I reckon your mum-in-law is terrified of letting go of her son. Seems she's obstructing him leaving. When she starts pulling in other family members the motive seems obvious. Whether it's because she's frightened of facing old age without him - or plain jealous, I don't know.

I also don't know if you need to actually start divorce proceedings yet, just threaten to..."I went to see a lawyer today about divorce...I can't stand this any longer. i don't want my kids to put up with it...." kind of thing.

As you continue to describe him, your husband is starting to sound a bit of a wimp, unable to let go his mum's apron. He doesn't even sound a responsible father to your kids.

But I truly understand the difficulties and worries you face if you DID go ahead with a divorce. Although I'm not in the same position I've been able to see it happen and recently a couple of us friends helped another friend through leaving. A fraught time indeed.

Sending you the best wishes about getting through this. Unless you want unhappiness for ever something has to be done - you eventually leave or your husband shapes up.

[PeaceLilly]

I had a similar situation, except the house was mine. We were engaged and the guy's mother never visited him in his apartment. He moved in with me and she acted like she owned my home. She gave my little boy a half eaten box of candy for Christmas and my gift was dried up flowers that someone had given her. I had sent an expensive gift for her bday before I had met her.

She invited my fiancé to an amusement park and he told her he didn't want to go, so she sent him a ticket for his birthday.

She showed up unexpected for a two week visit and brought a friend. Her son stayed in the bedroom and watched sports while I had to entertain his mother and friend.
She planned to live with us six months out of the year with out asking me if it was Okay. I called off the wedding.
If hubby will not see a therapist go alone. I think these women are jealous of their son having another woman in their lives. Its like a creepy competition. She will not change, you will have to.
(((hugs)))

[innerlight]

Originally Posted by AnneC2013

Hi Thankyou for all those who responded to my post so far everyone has been very spot on and I don’t take advice for granted. I agree with 7luminaries, raziel and innerlight I agree with everyone. I’m just very scared of taking the next step of acctually going through with a divorce. However; I don’t want to keep going through this. My husband I don’t understand. His mother is very dramatic goes from one extreme to the next esspecially in complaining. But she only comes to me and not my husband (her son). She keeps saying if he doesn’t want this marriage he should tell his mother and me. She’s even including other family members in pointing out in a round about way to saying I’m the problem..
his brother wants me to divorce my husband. My husband won’t say anything. I asked him to stand up for us and his reply was as no he’s not gonna do anything. I said so u rather everyone think I’m a problem? I’m even starting to think he is seeing someone else! I’m just very scared to start a acctual divorce all these thoughts run into my head like how am I going to survive, what about my children, am I going to be alone for the rest of my life all these crazy thoughts. But I know I’m not the first and not the last to go through it. My mother in law was caught cheating this is one of the reasons she’s creating so much trouble.. but it’s my husband too he won’t stand up for me he won’t move out, nothing.. �� it hurts.

That is a typical tool of a narcissist. Turn everyone against you, break you down, and make you question your own sanity. It's gas lighting you. It's all a form of manipulation.

I understand you not wanting a divorce. That is not something to just take lightly. It's a big thing. Sometimes it's needed for what is best for people. The fact that your husband won't do anything, makes it hard for anyone to fight for someone who will not fight for them. A marriage is supposed to be about that fight for each other. If he's not willing to do that. It's not leaving you much options. You can lead a horse to water but you cannot force them to drink. If he doesn't want to see it, or make changes. There is not much left you can do.

I really do advise before you go that route to speak with a therapist, or a family counselor, or even a clergyman, if you are into Religion. Talk to a professional, someone who is trained in this type of stuff. To help guide you, and steer you into the right direction. Hopefully your husband will also visit this therapist with you. And take them serious and are willing to put in the effort to make changes. Many just go to therapist to satisfy the other, and have no intention of changing because they think its all them and they do nothing wrong. It's not a healthy place or relationship to be in.

If that is not possible, and he is not willing to compromise, or work on this marriage. Then, I'm afraid you don't have many other options than a divorce. Or, just ignore it all and stay where you will eventually go crazy. I don't recommend that route.

Best of luck to you.

[Golden Eagle]

Originally Posted by AnneC2013

My mother in law is ruining my marriage and my husband is ok with it. We live with her and his his father. We have two children. We was working on one more but I’m way too stressed out to think of another baby although I really want one more.. my husband doesn’t want to move out. She talks to my badly infront of my kids but I’m suppose to respect her?? I am usually quiet and respectful but she’s too much. Tells me what to do as I am already doing it, constantly complains, goes through my room when I’m not home, degrades me, causes fights between my husband and I, tells everyone I’m a *****, even accused me of sleeping with her husband which I never did but she cheated on her husband and is not saying anything to make her self seem so good. I really tried to form a bond with my mother in law and I still try to get along for the sake of my children. But it’s causing so much stress. I took care of her when she had cancer no one else was there for her. I don’t want anything except peace and for my husband to find his balls. I pleaded with him for us to move out I even suggested a divorce. I’m not happy my children arent happy. My husband is happy with his mother. I feel very disrespect, betrayed, very unloved. She thinks I blew her cover for cheating it wasn’t me it was my husband. She said I have to respect her she’s my mother in law and while degrading me and accusing me I stood up for myself and respectfully told her to stop and stop lying about me esspecially in front of my children..she told me she never liked me and will never like me and out of anger I said I don’t care. After while removing my kids from the situation I asked her is there anything else u need from me and she said no. I don’t like she does this infront of my kids. They don’t like her I didn’t want them to feel that way towards her but how can I make my kids respect her if she’s constsntly disrespecting me and how to I get my husband to find his balls unless I let this marriage go??
He saids he loves me and I’m a good wife and mother but it seems like he doesn’t love me to allow his mom to do these things to me. This is affecting my health also. Any ideas or insight or reading anything is greatly appreciated. I’m trying my best to be calm and centered and respectful.

You cannot FIX another against their will ....... you CAN LEAVE though.

Its time for you to move out of there. If your husband wishes to stay..... let him stay , but take the kids OUT of that situation before they ABSORB more than they can handle.

You may have to LET GO this marriage ....... If you DO NOT GROW TOGETHER, YOU FALL APART.

His ACTIONS speak louder than words. He has too much of his mothers persona imbedded in his own ..... he has forgotten who he is. Suggest moving out of State or at least a several hour drive away.

[Nature Grows]

any updates on ur situation OP.?

[AnneC2013]

Hi everyone.. no update, everything is still currently the same. I just feel let down by my husband. He wants me to ignore everything, his mother tries to cause arguements and to get a negative reaction from me. Honestly I’m just tired. I don’t want to argue I just want to be left alone by them. My husband doesn’t have to deal with my family they don’t like him so it’s not fair that I should have to deal with his family. I had to cut ties with mine for many reasons I’m not asking him to do the same just asking from him to defend and respect me that is all. I try so hard to be nice and go out of my way for them but it’s making me so tired very energy draining. I do ever want to go through this again. If I ever remarry or live with another person they are going to have to be very special and caring to me and my kids and no mother in law living in the house. This is energy draining. I did try my very best, there is always a complaint and judgement made and I can never do enough. I am taking everyone’s advice..