How do I make peace with being single?

Hi.

I am a 28-year-old man who am having trouble with girls. I have been attempting to find a relationship (or just sex, for that matter) for a good while, with little success.

I know that one of the most important factors that keep me from getting the girl(s) I want is the fact that I want it so much. I hate being single. I am desperate, and that scares people away. In "Law of Attraction" terms, I am "out of vibrational alignment" with the relationship I want.

Countless times this last year I have told myself that I want to come to terms with being single and learn to accept and appreciate my situation as it is. But I have not made any progress in that area. I have read many books, taken up a meditation practice and even taken a longer break from pursuing girls at all, in an effort to learn to accept my situation. To no avail. I still resent the **** out of it.

I have tried to focus on the good aspects of being single and enjoy those, but I simply can't find any. (People come up with all sorts of examples of how being in a relationship can be bad, but none of them match my experience. The arguments may be very true, but I cannot relate to them, so they have zero emotional power with me. In my experience, having a girlfriend is better than being single in every imaginable way.)

Can anyone give some advice? What can I do to learn to accept and appreciate being single?

Important note: I am not asking for dating advice. Please do not give me dating advice. Please do not tell me "just be yourself", "the right one is out there", "just have fun", etc. I have heard it all before, and it just makes me feel worse. This thread is not about how to attract women. This thread is about learning to accept the situation of being alone.

Thanks in advance. :)

[Fairyana]

Hi Spectrum. What is it about being by yourself that makes you uncomfortable? Do you love yourself? People who love themselves have a more confident, comfortable energy to them, they already feel whole and don't need others to fill the void. I'm no therapist, but my first guess learn to love and accept yourself. Get to know yourself, what activities you love. It's not so much to focus on good aspects of being single, it's focus on the good aspects of being you. :-)

Originally Posted by Fairyana

Hi Spectrum. What is it about being by yourself that makes you uncomfortable? Do you love yourself?

Do I love myself? I don't know. I have often asked myself that. The question has always seemed so abstract, so meaningless. I can't wrap my head around it. I can't picture what it means to love myself or not.

So the answer is probably no.

I can list many reasons why I should love myself and why others should love me. But emotionally, I do not feel love for myself. (Well, in my happy moments maybe I do. But in my neutral moments and unhappy moments, no.)

Originally Posted by Spectrum

Can anyone give some advice? What can I do to learn to accept and appreciate being single?

There is NO point of accepting and appreciating of being single when it is obvious that you are never going to be happy with the situation.

Whatever your relationship status may be, the pursuit of happiness comes from doing and being what makes you happy and fulfilled. For many people, it comes from helping others and making a difference in this world, even in small ways.

I am a 29 year old single female, so I can appreciate where you are coming from. I have been in long term relationships, and have some nice comparisons as to what it is like to be in a relationship vs. being single.

In my experience, it doesn't matter whether you are in a relationship or not, every once in a while the other side is going to look greener. Yes, I have thought before when being in a relationship with someone, "Oh my gosh I miss my FREEDOM!" Or "I don't want to compromise!" Trust me, it happens, and if people say they don't think that at least every once in a while, well, they are full of **** in my humble opinion.

At this time in my life I prefer to be single, but it isn't always easy. Sometimes you want a companion that will hold you when you cry, or that will fold the laundry so you don't have to, or even you just want to have sex like you said.

One of the best things is to be ACTIVE. Get out and do things, be social. I'm not saying that you have to convince yourself that being single is the best thing for you, I'm saying to accept that right now you are single right now. Join a bowling league, go to the orchestra, see a movie on your own or with friends. Being active and getting out there and socializing are key.

While you don't have to sit here and say "Wow, being single is better than sliced bread!" It is the truth that you have the oppurtonity to find out things about yourself that will not be as easy when you are in a relationship. So get out there and have some adventures!

And usually, at least it has been my experience, when I am happy being on my own and actively participating in life...WHAM here comes some hot dude that wants to ruin it all by getting me in a relationship, haha :)

Smile, cheer up, and know you are not the only single person your age out there struggling through these issues. But we will get through it darn it!

Originally Posted by Spectrum

Hi.

I am a 28-year-old man who am having trouble with girls. I have been attempting to find a relationship (or just sex, for that matter) for a good while, with little success.

I know that one of the most important factors that keep me from getting the girl(s) I want is the fact that I want it so much. I hate being single. I am desperate, and that scares people away. In "Law of Attraction" terms, I am "out of vibrational alignment" with the relationship I want.

Countless times this last year I have told myself that I want to come to terms with being single and learn to accept and appreciate my situation as it is. But I have not made any progress in that area. I have read many books, taken up a meditation practice and even taken a longer break from pursuing girls at all, in an effort to learn to accept my situation. To no avail. I still resent the **** out of it.

I have tried to focus on the good aspects of being single and enjoy those, but I simply can't find any. (People come up with all sorts of examples of how being in a relationship can be bad, but none of them match my experience. The arguments may be very true, but I cannot relate to them, so they have zero emotional power with me. In my experience, having a girlfriend is better than being single in every imaginable way.)

Can anyone give some advice? What can I do to learn to accept and appreciate being single?

Important note: I am not asking for dating advice. Please do not give me dating advice. Please do not tell me "just be yourself", "the right one is out there", "just have fun", etc. I have heard it all before, and it just makes me feel worse. This thread is not about how to attract women. This thread is about learning to accept the situation of being alone.

Thanks in advance. :)

Spectrum,
It's easy. Just use an online dating service. In your profile, describe what you're looking for. You can have anything that you like. Why be alone? Honestly? Why be alone when you can describe what it is your looking for and see what kind of responses you get. I met my fiance this way. There are women out there who are extremely flexible who will agree to anything you ask for. Just try it.

Originally Posted by Mazulu

Spectrum,
It's easy. Just use an online dating service.

Thanks for the advice. But I have tried that.

Once or twice a year I get the idea: "Hey, why not try online dating again?" Then, over a period of maybe a month, I send off maybe 200 letters, get about 10 rejections and maybe one date (that does not lead to a second date). Then I remember: "Oh, right. That's why I stopped last time I tried online dating."

Anyway: Thanks for the reply, but I am not looking for dating advice. I am looking for advice on how to feel non-desperate. Online dating generally makes me feel MORE desperate because it makes me focus my attention on my loneliness and failure.

[John Elessar]

Originally Posted by Spectrum

Thanks for the advice. But I have tried that.

Once or twice a year I get the idea: "Hey, why not try online dating again?" Then, over a period of maybe a month, I send off maybe 200 letters, get about 10 rejections and maybe one date (that does not lead to a second date). Then I remember: "Oh, right. That's why I stopped last time I tried online dating."

Anyway: Thanks for the reply, but I am not looking for dating advice. I am looking for advice on how to feel non-desperate. Online dating generally makes me feel MORE desperate because it makes me focus my attention on my loneliness and failure.

Narrowcast if you are doing to do any online dating. The big sites are far to general for my tastes; find a group which matches your interests, and go with that. Most people at such sites are much more serious than at the big ones.

Originally Posted by Mazulu

Spectrum,
It's easy. Just use an online dating service. In your profile, describe what you're looking for. You can have anything that you like. Why be alone? Honestly? Why be alone when you can describe what it is your looking for and see what kind of responses you get. I met my fiance this way. There are women out there who are extremely flexible who will agree to anything you ask for. Just try it.

That is your answer, you will never accept being alone, why try for something you dont actually want? <<<< Thats half your problem there mate. Get online, arrange some dates, one a week ( dates, not opportunities for sex). Have some fun, meet, talk, enjoy the interestingly new found confidence you will gain....... and the rest is history!

Ps, dont find an excuse not to do the above, cause if you do.... I will reach through the computer and slap you with a wet cloth

Peace ;)

Loving yourself isn't something that you decide to do or something you can focus on, and like any love, it isn't always this passionate strong feeling. You will have off days where you don't really feel that connection to yourself.

It is deciding that you deserve to pursue happiness, and that you deserve the forgiveness you give to others. At least that is what it has meant to me.

The reason I say this is to encourage you not to get bummed out if you don't necessarily know if you love yourself. Concentrating on that is just a negative circle you will get pulled into of wondering why you don't love yourself and hating yourself for it.

Why not just assume that you do love yourself? Same difference and level of assumption, ya know?