Relationships, Lies, Anxiety, and Depression. (Sighs)

[Gender Phoenix]

My bff M use to date my bff A before me and our other bff S became close to A. Once we had gotten close to A after they broke up M expressed jealousy a few times. M will some times call us his friends in conversations not their friends. So I use to have feelings for M a long time ago back when he was bicurious but he turned out to be straight, M can be insensitive and joke at the expense of others feelings, M is controlling and manipulative not just in his romantic relationships but also friendships. For a long time I've had feelings for S but their unrequited and he knows how I feel, we had been bffs with benefits for a long time but sex with out romantic intimacy messes with my self esteem and bothers me, S doesn't need the same kind of emotional intimacy that I do so I broke off the benefits part of our relationship. While M knows I'm trying to move on from how I feel towards S he still some times makes Jokes at my expense about that situation. A is very kind and an amazing woman, she has similar issues with depression and anxiety that I do, I love talking with her and began to develop feelings for her a few months ago. Then in comes D who is one of Ms bffs, D is one of the people who bullied me throughout my life. D began talking to A and they fell for one another, D began treating me nicer, whether that's genuine or not I don't care. But when they told me they where together that they did it because they felt they could trust me, their both unhappily married and pretending to be happily married, M thinks A has worked out her marriage with J and that D is happy with C because their about to have a baby. So only me and S know that D and A are a thing, I've got to lie to M who I've known my whole life and despite his faults he is like family to me. I hate holding this lie in, I had came out as transgender and bisexual a few years ago because holding in that lie was eating at me, now this is eating at me too. When they told me I reacted speechless because it was unexpected, it both shocked and confused me, and I had feelings for A. I've since came clean to A that a part of my initial reaction was because I have feelings for her while D is one of my former bullies. I've unrequited feelings for A, she knows now but our friendship is still just as strong.

Because of my anxiety and depression issues that already exist this lie has been eating at me, I just want D to tell M soon, its messing with my own mental health holding it in.

S is talking to some one, but he's not telling me any thing whether their dating or seeing each other I don't know, but he is my friend and I do wish he would tell me if he is. That not knowing me bothers me.

Meanwhile though I've been single for a long time, I keep having additional issues with my anxiety and depression over being single and have been using Meet Me and Dating apps to talk to new people, but I'm very socially awkward, shy, and an anxious avoidant person. I've had no luck with finding a significant other on apps so far.

So since me and A tell each other every thing and are each others confidants about quite a bit, M has picked up on it and in a drunken stupor asked if any thing was going on with me and A, which nothing is, but given my feelings and the lie regarding D causes issues with my anxiety and depression each time M unknowingly jabs that open wound.

One common thought when my depression pushes me to feeling suicidal is a phrase meant as a joke that M use to say to me any time me and Romance would come up in a conversation, he use to joke "if there is some one out there who was your soul mate they've probably already killed themselves "

So there's my story... what y'all think? Any advice?

You have decisions to make and stick to. Build up enough assertiveness to tell a few people what you think and be ready to discard them from your firmament.
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[Uriwhetu]

This sounds incredibly exhausting...have you considered taking a break from from all these 'friends' of yours? The whole group sounds passive/aggressive & aggressive/aggressive and everyone sounds co-dependent and incestuous (not literally, just the 'everyone sleeping with each' kinda other way)...very unhealthy.

Relationships should nurture you, honour you...they should be a source of mutual joy & mutual respect, overall. Ask yourself if you feel valued, respected and honoured by these relationships? If not, then remove them from your life and find new friends.

I suffer from depression from time to time, and suicidal thoughts on occasion so I can relate to those feelings. Do you meditate at all? You sound really out of balance and your chakras blocked - your Mauri (chi or prana) is suppressed. Do some grounding work, go out and spend some time in nature, walk on the beach with no shoes on, or the earth depending where you live (no concrete, the actual earth), sit with you back against a beautiful large tree and breathe, you need to reconnect with your spirit.