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Go Back   Spiritual Forums > Spirituality & Beliefs > Love & Relationships -Friends and Family

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  #11  
Old 02-04-2014, 08:01 PM
7luminaries 7luminaries is offline
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Zippy I'm so sorry to hear that but glad it's sorted.

Remember that remarks of this kind, whether it came out wrong or what have you, have nothing at all to do with you and everything to do with the speaker's issues, loss of youth, fear of aging, mortality, and so forth. A few pounds or even sizes over the course of life, 2 children, etc., are not really the issue -- it is not as if you are seriously overweight or obese in any way. You may be a few pounds over your own preferred mark, but your partner needs to accept that after 2 children and the passage of time, he needs to flex as not every person will retain their same or similar shape &/or weight after the miracle of birth (twice).

If your partner is supportive of your efforts to improve your health, that is wonderful. If he is concerned that you are (gasp) aging just as he is and we all are...and that mortality is a fact of life...well, these are realities that he must confront and nothing he does or asks of you will change that. No one can put their insecurities or fears or unhappiness in the lap of another, even a partner, and expect them to solve things. (It would be different if he were confronting you over a substance problem or a behavioral addiction like sex or gambling, but that is not the case.)

Just as a BTW, you may want to take note if this is a one-off or if these sort of comments become more prevalent in future. It is always very disturbing to me when one partner puts the emphasis on weight or appearance or core "attractiveness" of some sort. Particularly if there is any inequality in the relationship whilst these comments are being made. For example, one partner makes more money, &/or there are children that will typically be left impoverished with mum if dad leaves, OR one partner tends to regularly argue or pick fights, or cheats, or regularly threatens to leave or not to commit, or or otherwise seeks to constantly destabilise the relationship.

Here is my little vignette from real life...and as a result I really have no respect or tolerance for these sort of barbed attacks and find them to be extremely shallow, for the most part.
My mum endured this for many years from my father, endless scrutiny of every pound and wrinkle, and she was quite lovely really. He ended up cheating on her relentlessly all whilst threatening to leave on a regular basis, and also trying to destroy her self-esteem about her looks. Because of the financial inequality and the fact that there were 2 kids, at that time she did not consider leaving and just endured. Which in many ways is quite noble and in many ways is a shame. Later, after 20+ yrs of marriage & divorce, he ended up marrying a woman of very similar build and a similar appearance and colouring as well, dark-eyed and dark-haired, tanned or dark. (Absolute opposite of me, LOL).

It really had nothing to do with my mum or the other woman, not really. It's primarily just that one marriage occurred prior to his full-on mid-life crisis, and one marriage occured after. I should mention my dad always had an obsession with aging and youth and the latest nutritional fad promising eternal youth, and that he always had a morbid fear of death since his granddad & great-granddad had died young of heart disease (which is easily managable now). However it is more common for one's fears to come to the fore strongly around mid-life (if not earlier), whenever one begin to seriously confront the issues of aging and/or mortality.

Nothing really changed except my father. Dad has become a bit more appreciate of those in his life, & a teensy bit less obsessed with dying,
and perhaps a smidge less superficial regarding youth, fitness, and appearances, and so he has been a bit easier on wife #2.
This is a man in his mid-sixties, so to be honest there is often a self-imposed limit on growth in any one lifetime
...and so it's hard to say at what point many will overcome their superficiality or their mortality issues.
Since he is tall, lean, and always fancied himself quite handsome, though, dad hasn't ever had much compassion for those who are more naturally pear-shaped
and cannot always manage weight as easily as he at all points in their lives (i.e., most women after childbirth, whilst breastfeeding, etc. ).
Luckily, the rest of have compassion for him and love him despite himself

All the best and much love and light to you
7L
__________________
Bound by conventions, people tend to reach for what is easy.

Here we must be unafraid of what is difficult.

For all living beings in nature must unfold in their particular way

and become themselves despite all opposition.

-- Rainer Maria Rilke

Last edited by 7luminaries : 02-04-2014 at 09:21 PM.
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  #12  
Old 05-04-2014, 07:15 PM
zippyone
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Thankyou for your detailed response 7luminaries, sorry have not been online for a few days, and of course thankyou for everyone's response.

Yes I think you have hit the nail on the head as he keeps mentioning that he is getting old etc. and wishes he was 25 again (he's 33 and I am 34 now). So it may well be his issue.

After having my son, I lost the excess weight very quickly within a few months, however after my daughter I have not lost the excess weight (I gained about the same in both pregnancies). I think this bothers him a lot more than it bothers me. After being skin and bones most of my life, I actually quite like having curves and decent size breasts!
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  #13  
Old 05-04-2014, 09:57 PM
12meadows 12meadows is offline
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Enjoy your curves Zippy. :)
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  #14  
Old 06-04-2014, 03:43 AM
Raven Poet
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Quote:
Originally Posted by zippyone
Think I just need to rant!

Today my boyfriend of 8 years said to me "you need to lose weight", I was a bit taken aback not because I don't need to lose weight, I do! I was a UK size 10 when we met and after 2 children and 8 years I am a UK size 14 now.

It was mother's day today and I cooked a nice roast dinner for his mum and dad. It is not usually an easy day for me as my own mother passed some 12 years ago but today I was happy.

I was also a bit bloated today as I am on my period so yes I think I looked fat. I have never really had an issue with my weight, when I was young I was dead skinny and ate whatever I liked.

I now have a generally healthy diet with lots of fruit and vegetables but my weight does not really change. I have also been making an effort to do more exercise lately so was hoping for some improvement.

Anyway he said that and I said "I know"! Then he went to bed and now I feel really quite hurt. As they say the truth hurts.

Edit: I should add that I was taken aback because I thought I was past the point of other people being able to hurt me but it really hurt me like that, I felt the hurt deep in my soul and I am not sure why it hurt so, so much?
Hi, zippyone. Aww - this is a painful thing to hear!

You know, there is a way to tell a loved one that we are concerned for her health and from a place of love want to see her be healthy. But we would also ask, "What do you think; do you think you could lose some weight? And if so, how can I help?"

Instead, from your post, I heard a quite disrespectful "you need to ...", which felt loaded with negative judgement and harsh energy.

So it is no wonder you are deeply hurt. And of course you would be hurt by someone you've been in relationship with for 8 years! Those are the ones who are closest to our hearts (usually) and therefore have the most power to hurt us - we are more vulnerable with them!

My hope for you, dearest, is that your boyfriend thinks about his rash words and apologizes to you. We all make mistakes and speak too fast - if I had a nickel for every time I blurted ... well, you know how that goes.

And I also hope, even more so, is that you do some soul searching and listen for your own answers; not only about your body and what it needs and if it is happy, but also about how you would prefer your partner share their thoughts about a topic so many women feel very vulnerable about (thanks to the ludicrous garbage that pop media bombards us with about women's bodies/beauty).

If you are making positive lifestyle changes for yourself first, that is a wonderful way to honour who you are, a person with a heart and a soul! Besides, you are a mother - many women's bodies change after giving birth, and with age. Our metabolisms are different in our adult years than from when we were children and teens!

I am so sorry that you were hurt like that - you did not deserve that.
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  #15  
Old 08-04-2014, 03:54 AM
Captain Captain is offline
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Join Date: Mar 2014
Posts: 137
 
Have you asked him if the excess weight has affected his attraction for you because it's not something he can control intellectually. Either the feelings are there or they are gone. If he says yes, it's best to do something about it. My partner never dieted or exercised enough, he just thought since he had me in love he could let himself go physically, and like you thought it was just fine to be a few sizes too big. I left him, when the spark is gone for that long it simply dies out. We all need to do our best to be attractive for our partners or not complain if the relationship ends for the lack of care.

I know people are sensitive about being overweight and you won't appreciate my posts but I'm simply writing this to hopefully help you avoid more pain in the future. I wish someone a close friend or relative of his, would have had the courage to tell my ex-partner. Good luck.
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  #16  
Old 08-04-2014, 05:31 AM
livingkarma
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I've heard of this happening to others ...
My late husband & I never mentioned the other's weight ...
Certainly, there is no cause for concern since you are not obese ...
I wonder what the root cause is ...
I can just imagine what could be said about the aging process ...
Come to think of it, difficulties stemming from aging might be the problem ...
He might have suddenly realized he's no longer young even though he actually is ...
Its natural for some people to have a hard time accepting they're getting older just the same as missing one's youth ...
Its a personal problem, please try not to let bother you ...
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  #17  
Old 08-04-2014, 03:58 PM
zippyone
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Thankyou Captain, you have made me realise something. Maybe I have not made the effort to lose weight because I want him to leave me? I have been around this weight for 4 years (our daughter is 4) and if I really wanted to in the last 4 years I could have lost it easily. I honestly think I would be relieved if the relationship were to end but he won't leave me, I have given him plenty of opportunity to do so over the years, even said we are over and please go a few times.

I feel trapped in a relationship that has never really made me happy, it has always been about him really, I miss my soulmate/twin flame daily, and I suppose I have settled for 2nd best. But settling does not make people happy.

If I could be with my soulmate/twin flame I would not care one little bit if he were a bit overweight (which he is by the way!) and I certainly would not point it out to him. I love him and am attracted to him for what is in his heart and soul not his physical appearance.
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  #18  
Old 08-04-2014, 07:09 PM
Belle Belle is offline
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zippyone that's a difficult one - have you thought of counselling as this seems to have really opened up a lot of issues at stake?
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  #19  
Old 08-04-2014, 07:30 PM
Captain Captain is offline
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Join Date: Mar 2014
Posts: 137
 
It's romantic but not realistic to say as you have "I love him and am attracted to him for what is in his heart and soul not his physical appearance". Embrace the physical, it's a beautiful thing.

Yes we do keep weight on when we don't want people, or those in our life to get too close. Many who have been abused and not healed yet will use excess weight as a buffer/bumper.

And some like my ex are simply being self-centered, hence the devastation when I left but that's not your case since you want him to leave.
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  #20  
Old 08-04-2014, 08:07 PM
zippyone
Posts: n/a
 
Quote:
Originally Posted by Belle
zippyone that's a difficult one - have you thought of counselling as this seems to have really opened up a lot of issues at stake?

Yes, but these are not new issues, just the weight issue maybe being on purpose subconsciously from my side is a new thought today, thankyou.

I have accepted and am at peace with the other issues.
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