I just want her to be happy

My ex broke up with me a few months ago, it was a messy breakup, but in retrospect I can see why it happened. I have been seeing her at parties and gatherings a lot. We don't talk to each other at all and we stay away. Recently I have seen her hanging out with people I don't like, and people I never thought she would ever want to hang out with. She has probably had sex with at least one of those people. It for sure bothers me that she hangs out with these people, but not for the reasons why you would think. Because she spends time with these people I worry about her, they are not a good crowd and it concerns me. I get that people change, and I don't want to interfere with her new life. But I worry that she is just hanging out with them to spite me and because she is unhappy. I am not sure of either of these. She is good at putting on act, and it is hard to tell. How do I tell if she is happy with the way she is? I honestly just want the best for her, and her motives for doing what she is doing might lead her down a bad path.

[Clover]

Perhaps,she is going through a transitional phase and needs space to figure herself out,even if it includes behaviors that makes you uncomfortable. She is a big girl,and thus needs to learn from her mistakes.I would give yourself a break and try to focus your energy of other things. I know it's easier said than done,but there is nothing worst than worrying on another individual that isn't currently on the same plaintiff as you. If your not happy with her choices you should really talk to her,open up the communications,humans are anything but mind readers and trying to will only drive you nuts.

[innerlight]

This is never a fun place to be in.. In one hand, you obviously care about this person, or you wouldn't have dated. So it is hard to see them to do things that could cause them pain. No one really wants someone to do something like that with their life. I went through that as well with an ex... Unfortunately as an ex, it becomes hard to have a say in whom they date after you. Anything that is said towards such matters could be seen as condescending to them. And as an ex, a lot of the times an ex doesn't really have a say in that regard.

Much like BlueClover says it can very well be a learning phase for her, to get to know herself better and what she does and doesn't want. Usually those experiences can be very painful. If you still remain good friends, you may be able to talk to her about these things... But again, being an ex makes it hard to have a say about their current partner(s).

I don't think that there is anything you can do. She is making her own choices - good or bad, she has a right to make them. Only she can control her own actions. Whether she is unhappy or not, she's choosing to participate in this behavior.

I know that it can be terribly hard when you care for that person to see them do this but there isn't really something you can do. Prayer and positive thoughts for someone always go a long way though!

Are you sure that you just want her to be happy - or that, having broken up, you feel a desire to possess her?

It's difficult - and certainly difficult to say that you may have to let go.

I’ve been in a situation where I felt someone thought they owned me. When we broke up I was increasingly plagued by his “concern” and it almost led to something nasty when I dated someone else. In his case, which may be very different from yours, it was jealousy and possessiveness rationalised as concern. So perhaps your ex- just needs a breather. Perhaps, if you broke up, you weren’t the person for her and she’s going through a period of recharging.

We’re all selves with our lives and aspirations and we get involved in relationships, but you must ask yourself, what gives you a right to “not like” the people she mixes with? Do you wish to control her? Is she particularly vulnerable in some way?

If my own experience is anything to go by, being overbearing may just alienate her further. Given time, she might feel differently. It’s important, unhappy as it might be, to face reality. You can't own someone, you can't make someone happy.

Put yourself in her position – what would you feel if she had you under scrutiny, critical of the people with whom you were mixing?

♀

[Renessme]

Trust that she will figure it out eventually. And if you do really wish for her happiness find a way to say it to her once. Try not to sound too judgmental. You can onky hope she listens. Or if she doesnt eventually she will. But dont keep telling her who to see or not to see, whi to hang out and not, etc. She will feel controlled and would probably rebel about it and engage more in behavior that can provoke you, if she us really doing it to spite you.

My 2cents worth, tell her once to show you care, after that let her be. Its her decision still. You can give an advice but remember that it is still her decision wether or not to take it.