The two sides of my relationship

He was abusive, jealous, overly controlling and he even went as far as hitting me. Many of the men in his country and family is violent towards their wife, that was also how he was raised, he dont have a good relationship with his family because of this.

I told him I would leave him because of this.

We have been together through so much Since i was Young, good and bad but always together. When we touch it's amazing, i always slept in his arms every night, he shareek everything, he was so happy when giving me gifts, he often brought me sweetie and flowers, he wrote for me, cooked for me and did so many things for me.

This makes it difficult for me too stay strong. But he was abusive. This circle drained me because the good side was better than any fairytale, it was heavenly when all was great and the bad side is worse than hell, when he becomes abusive it's like his eyes change, like they turn dead.

Now he is crying all the time i have never seen him like this, after i told him i wouldn't come back for him. He cries, doesnt sleep, he gives me sweet promises of change, he started seeing a doctor, he cries and beg and tell how sorry he is and that he will do anything and it wont just last one year and then go back to the old.

I dont know, on one side it breaks my heart to see him like this, i love him and we have had so much together and i hope that he can change and the good side is like a dream. And i do miss him.

On the other side i also have to take care of myself, i dont want to let myself down again like before, i want to live life as i want and remember the things that is important to me and dont just walk in his footsteps. And how many times has a abusive man changed? Is it the kinda book that it's better to stop while it's still good and the continue would only be a mistake. I dont know anymore, i am too close to the picture i cant see it all clear anymore. it's just so difficult after all we have been through together, we are married he is my first love and i am his. I dont stay with him now, but i do miss him. I go back and forth between stadig strong on what i first decided to do to hope that he will change and thinking that i miss him and love him.

[kris]

http://www.huffingtonpost.com/karl-a...b_6226712.html

Thanks for sharing.

[LadyMay]

Don't do it. Be strong. My stepdad was abusive. My mother after 16 years wanted him out. He pleaded for a second chance, said he would change. So she gave him a second chance, and after a while he just slipped back into his old ways again.

Abusers will use anything they can to keep you in the relationship. You deserve someone much better. You can find someone who will treat you good 100% of the time, and you don't need to put up with abuse. There are seven billion people on the planet.. don't think you will never find anyone better. You will.

[umbridge]

This thread made me sad. I understand you.
Do always what feels best for you.
Scarlet's and Kris's posts are very helpful.

Be strong!

Take care & Hugs

[Captain]

"the good side was better than any fairytale, it was heavenly when all was great and the bad side is worse than hell, when he becomes abusive it's like his eyes change, like they turn dead."

The good was so good because it wasn't integrated with all of him including the bad, his personality is polarized, not good as far as emotional and spiritual growth.

I think people can and do change, especially if it's a culturally indoctrinated violence towards women. Why did you marry him? Why don't you tell him that if goes to marriage counselling with you and alternative to violence training and puts his heart into it, you will work this through together?

Hi Lena,

It’s « funny » I found your post because I am in the exact same situation as you. I have been married for 4 years now but I left him 6 months ago. He is also my first love. I left him because he was more and more controlling and abusive with me. He controlled who I could meet, what we could buy, what I had to do, what time I should go back home. At first I liked that he was responsible and in control because I was younger than him and I lacked experience. He did the things I didn’t want to do or didn’t know how to do. But as the time went by, it became more and more stifling. When I didn’t agree to do what he said he would have some very impressive fits of anger. He has a very hot temper and when he starts being angry it looks like he can’t control himself. It even manifests physically: his eyes look like he is a crazy person, he feels very hot, it really looks like he could throw fire balls out of his hands. He also hit me once and I had to go to the hospital but he didn’t do it again, I could see he was very sorry. Instead he would kick the walls and doors or shout at me, threaten me, push me, threw things on me. He also humiliated me in so many occasions and I think this is the hardest thing to forgive.

But at the same time his love for me was equal to his anger. It’s hard to understand maybe for others but outside of his fits of anger he really took great care of me: always worried for me, cooked for me, was very affectionate, … that’s why it is so hard to leave. It also made me feel so guilty because I thought maybe it was not his fault (he also grew up in an abusive family), maybe my role was to help him change. Maybe he acted like that because he loved me too much (that’s what he told me sometimes). But I don’t think this is real love, I think it’s co-dependence. I think he saw me like his little thing that he owned and he loved me because I was kind, young and naïve so he could control me easily.

However he was so distressed when I left it broke my heart, and made me feel even guiltier. Even now thinking about that makes me cry. He swear to me he would change, do whatever I would ask him to do and begged me to come back. That’s why I decided to keep in touch with him (only with e-mails) to allow him to get used to the idea of separation and not make it too brutally. I tell him I changed, I grew up, I want to think about my happiness too. It’s been like this for 6 months and I think he finally accepted the idea we have to separate (he thinks I became very selfish).

It’s hard because I do love him very much and I also think maybe nobody will love me so strongly (if we can call this love). But what helped me to decide was that we started to talk about having a baby. Projecting us with a baby was what opened my eyes. I didn’t really care about what could happen to me but thinking I could be responsible for the misery of someone else (my kids what’s more) gave me the strength to leave. I was terrified by his anger so what a child would feel? That’s not the idea of family that I have in my mind. Having a child is such a huge responsibility, I cannot bear the risk that he destroys them or uses them against me later just because I am too weak to resist now (I am not saying you are weak).

I don’t know if this kind of men can change. It’s sad but I think they lack empathy and I don’t think there is anything they can do about it. Maybe they can change but it would require a lot of time and effort. I don’t want to sacrifice my whole life trying to help someone, even though I love him. Being miserable won’t help him. I even think leaving him could be the best chance to change given to him.

I understand what you are going through and I wish you good luck. My advice would be to think about your future, don’t destroy your life for passion. Passion is always destructive however good it might feel sometimes.

[LadyMay]

I like what Floriane said about passion. I want to expand that and say, pour your passion or desire for passion into something else, if you feel the need for it. Maybe something artistic or musical. It'll help keep you sane. :)