Tough lesson about walls

[RedBasket]

Disconnecting from your loved one to work on yourself isn't necessarily putting up a wall. It may be a way to make your own self/own container strong enough so you can ultimately take down the walls you've put up to protect yourself from the outside world.

I have been experimenting with backing off, sensing my TF doesn't need my reassurance, and he wants to undertake his personal journey alone. Some new learning has come my way ...

Spent a week with the extended family of my daughter's father and saw the eleven year old boy who always reminds me of my TF and what he would have been like at that age. Saw the tough family both were from, the constant style of berating the kids, no nurturing kindness, only shaming them, mocking their ADHD etc. Despite this, the boy (like my TF) is eager, helpful, a people-pleaser, energetic, bright, etc. I can also see where the problems of self form and know why they put up walls, why they seek out positive attention. This boy spent the entire vacation with my daughter and me instead of his own family. But I felt a lesson that he is going to have to deal with his stuff alone, when he is ready, despite my desire to help because my heart hurts for him.

It made me remember when I've been behind walls, I remember the men in my life who tried to help me break out. I was grateful to them but just wasn't ready. Thought my TF may be where I was facing the "wall."

Next morning, one such man from my past who I haven't seen in 25 years reached out to connect with me on social media. Wow! We've been catching up. At some point, I hope to thank him for trying to help get me out of the wall and to acknowledge I was rude in my running style and I hope it didn't hurt him.

Some how these events gave me the momentum I needed to unfriend my TF from facebook. He doesn't want to interact with me in the regular world, and that no longer hurts me. It is his process and I understand. But it felt strange to have a portal into each other's lives in facebook given this fact. Keeping the portal open was making me anxious and distracted from myself and my own work. I still smile if TF comes into my mind, which is still often, but I hope this step will ultimately help us both. I'm disconnecting from him, but I don't think I'm running.