Since my breakup, and especially since seeing him for the last time yesterday, I'm going through a huge transformation.
I joined a kindness challenge online, watched a number of Access Consciousness videos, other vids on how my neck injury could possibly get healed so I can maybe maybe maybe get a job again.
I want out of my benefit situation, I want to move out of this area. Those feelings have been growing for some time, but got stronger when I met him last year and even stronger over the last half year. Then he broke up with me and those feelings sky-rocketed like never before!
When I met him I thought it was Divinely orchestrated... He lives in the area I've felt drawn to for a nigh 10 years. Since things were so intense, I thought that I'd likely move in, then things (my life) would/could change. Not in a benefit situation anymore, able to pursue my own things which I cannot in this situation (not allowed to) and so on.
But somehow I also felt like, isn't it the idea that I can get out of this situation by myself? Independent of a man? But since it all seemed to fit so perfectly I figured the Universe had given me another opportunity. And why not? If it's good, it's good.
Clearly it wasn't the Universe's idea since we broke up
In any case, I am really working on getting over the breakup, at the same time trying to not get stuck in pain all the time, and work on my goals: getting out of this area and get prosperity and abundance.
Then this morning I realised for the first time that, yes, I do want independence, I crave it, my soul is screaming for it, yet at the same time the thought scares the living daylights out of me. So much so that I was bawling my eyes out at the insight
and the fear that flowed through me.
To begin with I enrolled a training to cleanse the relationship you have with money, prosperity, success. To rid myself of outdated and limiting beliefs concerning that. Oddly enough I had to spend money on that, and since I have little to nothing to spend that scares me. Ironic or what? Having to spend money in order to get to receiving money and prosperity...
Another thing I realized is that in spite of me being quite empowered when I met him, just meeting him shook me up so much that I got off-kilter and gave my power away. My responsibility, not saying I blame him, not at all. He didn't do that, I did that myself by getting triggered. And because I got triggered I put up with too much. I didn't set my boundaries where I should've set them. Not always, but with a few crucial things that did happen. And I daren't set those boundaries out of fear. Oddly enough I had a few things happen with my TF that happened with my ex too. And that got me totally out of whack. But then there's the knowing and feeling that my TF was not like my ex at all, far from it thank goodness, so I shouldn't judge the situation the same either.
But... I still should've set my boundaries. I didn't, then got more insecure, and with that I think I began to push him away energetically over time. He has fear of commitment, so my fear must have triggered his in turn.
Anyway, it was good to see that pattern, because I had thought I had gotten over that. Now I see it is still active in my system.
I do hope that this kindness challenge and the training I'm going to do will help me to change these feelings I have of not being good enough and hopefully also the fear of being independent. The latter is even stronger I think than the first... The first I have worked on for years on end, the latter is a relatively new realisation.
I also realised that I even create physical ailments in order to not step into my power, to avoid my independence by working and living in the 3D society and its systems that I so dislike. Now for trying to reverse that....
Boy oh boy, is this a time of change! In a way I should almost be grateful for this breakup. And in a way I am, I welcome this process, because it is getting me closer and closer to me, the real me. At the same time I am still hurting for not having him in my life anymore.
This kindness challenge is helping me to deal with that a bit. I must allow myself to grieve, at the same time also say 'yes' to moving on and not get stuck.
There's moments even when I can fully embrace breaking up, feel utter love for him even though he did this and is with another. I must admit I'm quite surprised about that, that I'm able to feel that way. Proud of myself too.
I'm also beginning to accept that neither of us was ready for this yet. I have known that in a way for quite some time, but I had hoped that our deep love for one another would be strong enough to get us through that. To grow together.
Clearly the Universe had a different idea about that...
So much is happening at the moment, I feel like I'm coming out of a cocoon, beginning the transformation into a butterfly. To be honest, I think I already AM a butterfly, and have been for some time. It's just that I'm chit scared to fly... Scared to take that leap of faith. Which was exactly the message I've been getting the last couple of months: take that leap of faith.
Even my theme card for this year was "Leap of Faith".
I'm scared. No, let go of that limiting belief:
I am going to gently usher myself to the edge and prepare myself to fly and soar high!
Major transformation since breakup
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