Death. Yeah?

[SaturninePluto]

Hello good day.

For starters.. I do not feel right about certain subject matters I am posting about, but have been struggling with these thoughts and feelings for as long as well to be honest I am struggling with them a bit. Let's just say that.

This is the death and afterlife forum so I thought as these things do pertain to death and dying I figured here would be as good as any to post this.

I do not view death as others do. I view it in a different way. I suppose I have trouble with it not that in I think of it for any lengthy periods, but I indeed do think about it as anyone else does.

My problem is that I react to it differently than others. Let me get to the heart of it, most of you have experienced losing someone, as I as well as others have. The majority if not all of you have attended funerals or have shed tears due to the passing of a loved one right? You or the majority as I have never met or spoken to anyone else like myself, have cried at funerals and are capable at crying at funerals correct?

Well. I am not. I'm just not. I don't know why. I mean I don't laugh out loud during funerals- that would be very disrespectful in a way, but I could imagine someone thinking of a good funny time or moment with one passed and wanting to laugh but not. Out of respect.

I feel awkward cold and cruel just standing there all solemn whilst everyone else amongst falls apart. It isn't like I do it on purpose. Also I really don't consider myself cold or cruel or anything of such sort. I am very kind very forgiving and try to be as understanding and respectful of others as possible. I am capable of feeling sadness and grief, but I don't cry...

I have experienced 4 major deaths in my life and 3 funerals. My friend was first. Of all my friends I've lost but one so in a sense I am lucky.. in a way. He passed while young, while I was 12 and he 14 from a drug overdose.. I didn't do drugs especially at that age but the truth of the matter is he did and he suffered the consequences of it. I never really cried about it for myself. I missed him dearly. I remember missing him, and I do remember him or some things about him but not much. My parents were very concerned about me in that they didn't think I grasped what had happened, and really I didn't. I was often called naive when I was young by my father. I didn't grasp he was gone. I only cried about it when I had witnessed his father crying about it when I asked him mistakenly of no ill intent where my friend was after the fact of his passing. After being told already time and time again that he was gone and he had died.
Next was my grandfather and grandmother. I didn't get along very well with my grandfather. Not to say I was glad when he passed, because I wasn't I was upset as anyone else, but I didn't cry at his funeral. He didn't like me much. My grandmother was after on a different side of the family. I got along fairly well with her. She actually told me she didn't want me to cry at her funeral and she wanted me to go on with my life, not to worry about her, and she told me she wanted me to be happy. And, I assured her I wouldn't cry, because with my grandfather and my experience with that by then I knew I wouldn't be able to and that I would stand there solemn and unaffected or as it would appear so.
Last was my cousin whom died young at 32 or 33 from an immune disease? Or something along that I can't think of the words, but basically a-plastic...? Anemia. It is basically an immune system failure or disease of some type where one's immune system is wiped out. And of course as usual, my prsence at the funeral was solemn, and I am certain despised as this was and is my cousin and my aunt fell apart and told my mother she had wished it had been me instead. Of course I suppose not being able to cry didn't help.

Now I would like to make this clear as to be quite honest, I don't wish to be told here that there are things I haven't dealt with or that I am holding emotions back as I most certainly am not. The proof? I know who I am and I know how I feel and that should be good enough reason for anybody right there on that accord alone.

I am often times depressed, quite capable of feeling sadness and capable of crying I am choked up writing this here though currently not crying at the moment just feeling immense grief I feel like I want to cry, I am just not. I probably have a sad look on my face but there are not any tears. I am not holding back, I just do not cry when I grieve, but I do cry, over what I would be considered the stupidest of things.

Essentially I was told by a past councilor of mine, that people grieve differently, but also there are people who gasp and say "You don't cry at funerals?" "What is wrong with you?" and I am all "I didn't know there was anything wrong with me... what is wrong with me...?"

I suppose I wander through life wondering what kind of person I am. And wondering what is wrong with me..

What kind of insane cold person doesn't cry at a funeral for God's sake?

I am not a murderer or anything.

But I feel like a total umm let's say Jerk? Yeah Jerk.

My basic thoughts on death is that I fear it, and no I also don't want to be told not to fear it or that there isn't anything to fear, because I get the feeling when I am in that situation (and have almost been killed by a friend of mine whom at the time thought it a good idea to try and strangle me to death) when it boils down to it, I am pretty sure I am going to be pretty scared.

Also my basic thought on death is that the person whom is passing's life should be celebrated and that the good should be remembered. My aunt the one whom had wished death upon me has said she wants others to mourn and cry and be sad at her funeral. With death I feel I am quite sad and depressed at times already, and that I want to think back on the things these loved ones did in the past that made me laugh and smile, and all the good weird fun conversations we had.

Just writing my thoughts on death in the death and afterlife forum.

Wondering what the heck is wrong with me..and my inability to shed tears at a funeral. The very place one would think it appropriate to shed tears and always feeling when I am there like I am some sort of cold heathen and being told by my own family they wish I was dead instead..

Oh well. If you can't beat em.. may as well join em..

Joke? Badly put but.. No? Too soon?
Yeah I thought so.

-Pluto out.

[Azmond]

Lets say I skimmed trough your post. I know I should have read it in full, because the topic is a serious one, but I guess I was just anxious to respond to you.. Well, from what you wrote, I am not sure, why you think that you even have a problem with death? Death is, besides the end of life of a physical body, also a cultural and social construct.

How we perceive death, how we think about it, how we think we should think and act about is all part of our cultural and social upbringing. The fact is that for majority of the world population, death is a tragic occurrence, as most of the cultures treat death as an tragic event. Striking is the fact that even in cultures with strong religious presence and belief in afterlife, people still take death as an all stop, the end, its all over now. Looking at how we were taught to perceive death, it is hard to imagine anything else. All that aside, if you remove all human conditions, there are no right and wrongs about how you should feel when faced with someone passing away. In my personal opinion it is totally acceptable to be happy. To feel gratitude towards person passing away. To be grateful for the years you had spent with that person. There is no rule written anywhere that demands you crying over it. When you attend a funeral, and you are amidst all the heart-stricken people, you do not have to feel bad, if you are not sad, or if you cannot cry. You have your own way of dealing with death, and that is totally ok. You said it yourself that you are totally capable of feeling all emotions and even crying.

To end it, I remember once reading an article about a church priest who said, that funerals are the most beautiful thing he ever experienced! He goes on to describe how every time he attends a funeral he sees angels standing and flying, dancing around, and he hears them sing. The whole ceremony of light beings fills him with joy and harmony, and he is unable to feel any grief or sadness.

If you know that you are balanced, and that you do not have issues with feeling, perceiving and expressing different emotions, I do not think you should worry just because you cannot cry at funerals.

[shoni7510]

There is absolutely nothing wrong with not crying at funerals, people are different. Your counsellor was right when he or she told you that people grief differently. I also do not cry in funerals but I have yet to experience the death of a close loved one like my mother, sibling or child to see if I really don't cry. Once I cried at my cousin's funeral until I passed out but she was a distant counsin and I was still younger. As I grow older I understand death a bit more and fear it less and believe that at death we should celebrate the life lived as you mentioned it as well.

[Dargor]

I can relate to that as well since I also never cry at funerals, or better yet I never cry at all for any reason with other people around. I've lost so many people now to the point that it's just the most common thing in the world and it certainly hardened my emotions. I've lost both my grandfathers and grandmothers, uncle, my dog (he counts too imo) and my mother last year, but that doesn't mean I have an easy time getting over it. My father is the only one I have left and my reason for living. If he'd check out it would totally crush me beyond fixing...

But to answer your question nothing is wrong with you at all. You just seem emotionally tough like me and view death from a different angle.

[SaturninePluto]

Originally Posted by SlayerOfLight

I can relate to that as well since I also never cry at funerals, or better yet I never cry at all for any reason with other people around. I've lost so many people now to the point that it's just the most common thing in the world and it certainly hardened my emotions. I've lost both my grandfathers and grandmothers, uncle, my dog (he counts too imo) and my mother last year, but that doesn't mean I have an easy time getting over it. My father is the only one I have left and my reason for living. If he'd check out it would totally crush me beyond fixing...

But to answer your question nothing is wrong with you at all. You just seem emotionally tough like me and view death from a different angle.

The thing is I don't feel emotionally tough in a sense. I feel sadness I am just not capable of expressing it properly in my own view or in a sense. I mean to say crying or the feeling of crying and sadness and grief come to me, but in all honesty it feels forced. I remember when my aunt Doris passed. That is really the first family that had passed for the very first time, and I loved her, remembered her though had not seen her for a while, and I have very fond memories of her, and I actually felt NOTHING. Not a thing. I just remembered loving her and that she always treated me well, but actually felt nothing. Not one thing. So I tried to cry. I actually had to try to make myself cry. And I honestly really couldn't. I didn't feel anything. I remembered thinking okay... so I can't cry. Well that's messed. And felt there was something wrong with me. All I could manage was like a very dry tear or dry tears coming to my eyes, but that is all the sadness I could manage. And then I felt crying. Grief makes me feel sad now and very tired but no tears. But at that time I was concerned because I didn't really feel anything... but I did care about my aunt Doris.

Then came her funeral. Which I ended up not even being able to attend because of all my selfish hateful seeming family. We were ready to attend, and went to my grandmother's on my mother's side and one I do and did care about despite her mistakes, and the first thing out of her mouth was what in the hell are you guys wearing? To me and my mother. Because I guess not wearing black or anything fancy and dressing casually was shunned because the death was at a moments notice and at the very abrupt moment and spot on funeral to attend I had nothing to wear did not have time to change and really? I had nothing black. And heck maybe I didn't want to go wearing black? Maybe I wanted to be me and show my support in the best way I know how- to be myself. My mother undoubtedly and I can't say I really blame her, got angry-I don't blame her and we left and didn't attend.

I guess this is how people view death? It seems sick to me. I can't respectfully attend the services of someone I care about because my other family has warped opinions on what garment should be worn.

I have one living Grandmother left whom is up in age and will pass eventually. I am in apprehension of it because my Father's side is not much better. My cousin on that side hates me for reasons unknown.. I really don't get it I've done nothing to her..she cares about my grandmother very much- this I will say for her- but at the same time, she wants the property lives by it, is bent on having it, cares not that my father as well as his brother are her flesh and blood sons and should have a stake, and personally and as much as I love my living grandmother I couldn't care less if after she passed and no harm came of it, if it magically and spontaneously burned to the ground. Even though I have no owned property and could use it. Call it principle. When my grandmother passes all my thoughts will be on her and her alone, not the house, not any money, not any possessions.. etc.

People confuse me. I am just concerned about my views on death as I can't stand being at a funeral. I am there solemn there out of sole respect for the passing of the individual and loved one, can not cry at a funeral and can't help it, and while I am trying to concentrate on the beauty of what is being said by other family and the significance of the funeral and the burial and the meaning of the service and the good and the magnitude simply of existence and the beauty I guess of the traditions and trying desperately to find a sense of self and to respect the passing of the individual in my own way- I have my cousin looking at me like I'm a monster at my grandfather's funeral.
And I have my aunt whom I always looked up to telling my mother while I am in ears width that she wishes I had died instead of her daughter, and that she hates me, and "Look at her, she acts like it doesn't matter. She won't even cry. She doesn't give a damn". Without having the slightest idea or semblance of a clue of how I feel what I'm thinking (which has never been I wish it was someone else had died... in that snide tone..) and to be honest nor do people care how I feel or think.

And if they knew they'd be draw droppingly aware that my sadness goes beyond depths so unfathomable it's enough to make one depressed for a lifetime, for an infinite eternity.

Or at least that is how I feel and some capable enough of picking up on it honestly know. Except they call it or rfer to it as "You know, you're pretty dark Sarah". And I respond "Really? Am I? You have no idea whom I am. Tell me all about me. Please do continue?"

I wonder it that gives them a clue.

It leaves me often wondering.... What is wrong with people?

I don't know, I prefer to see death for what it is. Or at least what it means to me, for a very beautiful gathering where those who cry cry and those who do not or can not observe how they feel in solace privately and with respect for the passed in their own manner in time. If I want to consider the service itself respectful and beautiful I am just going to. And those whom wish me dead and silently curse me can and will. There isn't anything I can do about that. And they will have to deal with that.

Everything can't be my burden and cross to bear. I already have quite enough.

All I know is when I pass, I just wish to do so comfortably and in peace.

Really peace within, not just others ceasing to harp at me, but peace.

Enough of this death talk!

I should probably give myself a rest. Cake anyone..?

Hmmm yeah.

[Michelle11]

People have their rules and expect everyone else to live by them. Live by your own rules and worry not what others think. There is nothing wrong with you. It was cruel what your aunt said and if I was her sister or sister-in-law, your mother, I may have punched her in the nose. But it is her anger at the death of her daughter that strikes out at you. It isn't personal. I guess if I were you I would ask why you felt compelled to make this thread because it doesn't matter what anyone else thinks (or what you wear). It only matters what you think (and want to wear). The rest is someone else's rules.

[SaturninePluto]

Originally Posted by Michelle11

People have their rules and expect everyone else to live by them. Live by your own rules and worry not what others think. There is nothing wrong with you. It was cruel what your aunt said and if I was her sister or sister-in-law, your mother, I may have punched her in the nose. But it is her anger at the death of her daughter that strikes out at you. It isn't personal. I guess if I were you I would ask why you felt compelled to make this thread because it doesn't matter what anyone else thinks (or what you wear). It only matters what you think (and want to wear). The rest is someone else's rules.

Originally Posted by SaturninePluto

and I actually felt NOTHING. Not a thing.

That is why. Above. This doesn't set right with me. As one whom trusts my gut feelings about things and my higher intuition as it hardly fails me most times, I feel I should be able to feel something in regards to the passing of a loved one, other than a feeling of moving on, grieving for a short but reasonable time and coming to my own terms with it.

Shouldn't I feel like other people? Like simply being able to cry at a funeral.

Also it is on the death forum, and the topic is grief and death. I feel my counselor was right in saying what he did. And while I don't disagree with anything said in this thread, It simply bothers me I don't cry at funerals, for reasons I said, I am not hateful, I am kind as possible, I try to help people, and I am not cold.

I just don't cry. But it still bothers me, it is one of my own irritating quirks I have about myself like some would find one biting their nails distasteful I guess.

I guess I am just as always, wondering who I am, and what makes me who I am I guess.

And if I haven't said so already thank you all for your responses and perspective.
I guess this may be something or one of those things I will probably figure out on my own in my own time.

[Michelle11]

Originally Posted by SaturninePluto

That is why. Above. This doesn't set right with me. As one whom trusts my gut feelings about things and my higher intuition as it hardly fails me most times, I feel I should be able to feel something in regards to the passing of a loved one, other than a feeling of moving on, grieving for a short but reasonable time and coming to my own terms with it.

Shouldn't I feel like other people? Like simply being able to cry at a funeral.

Also it is on the death forum, and the topic is grief and death. I feel my counselor was right in saying what he did. And while I don't disagree with anything said in this thread, It simply bothers me I don't cry at funerals, for reasons I said, I am not hateful, I am kind as possible, I try to help people, and I am not cold.

I just don't cry. But it still bothers me, it is one of my own irritating quirks I have about myself like some would find one biting their nails distasteful I guess.

I guess I am just as always, wondering who I am, and what makes me who I am I guess.

And if I haven't said so already thank you all for your responses and perspective.
I guess this may be something or one of those things I will probably figure out on my own in my own time.

Two of the worst words in the English language are Should and Shouldn't. They are extremely limiting and do not allow room for life to be what it is. If anyone tells you what you should or shouldn't do and/or feel they are speaking from their own point of view and their own rules. I would say if it bothers you a lot, maybe ask the source where you get your wisdom from what their take on it is. I sensed truth in the words spoken in the channel thread so I would suspect they would not steer you wrong. If you simply want to feel more at funerals ask them how you can go about making that happen, if that is truly what you want. The last thing you should do however, is judge yourself about it. Take care.

[Phoenix72]

A month ago today I watched my 64 year old dad take his last breathe after being diagnosed with late stage lung cancer last year in November. I have yet to cry, I have yet to feel anything, only the disbelief he has gone. Everyone says I am strong and cant believe how well I am dealing with it, I am not!

I lost my first wife 1o years ago, same thing! she was 30 and left me with our 2 kids, again did not cry but eventually I cracked, it is inevitable for all of us. Be it crying/illness/depression or some sort of breakdown it will happen. It might be in days or in years but it will happen. might be so long in the future you wont connect it.

I am waiting for the wave to take me out.

[Starman]

I do not cry at funerals either and I have had other people confront me because I had a friend die and did not cry about it. I have seen a lot of death in my life and have come to terms with it.

When I was a combat medic during the Vietnam War I used to help people, who were otherwise very scared of death, die. Help them let go. An the first job I got when I was discharged from the army was being an EMT on an ambulance. I was obsessed with death back then and could not stop talking about it.

As an ambulance paramedic went into people’s homes who had a heart attack, did CPR on them and they died, or carried a dead baby in my arms who had died from SIDS. Went into a high school where a young girl bought her father's gun to school went into the girls bathroom, put the gun in her mouth and pulled the trigger because her boyfriend broke up with her; a very messy scene. Talked with people many times in hospitals and hospices who were on their last breath when I worked in the medical field. I’ve got about a hundred stories like this which I could share but out of sensitivity I will not.

Although a dead baby had more effect on me than a dead adult, but even with an adult who had died it sometimes could gross me out. Hobo’s riding the freight trains who died was a good example of this; because they would die in the freight train car and laying in the sun their skin would loosen up, and when you go to pick them up all of their skin would come off in your hand. Yeah, I know, gross.

I have seen lots of people autopsied and that can also be gross, especially watching a baby autopsied; that will bring emotional feelings out of the most harden among us. I was talking with some older veterans today and instead of using the word “death” they used the word “passing.” Because death is about the human body and passing is about that person, or consciousness, which inhabited that body. When someone I love dies I don’t cry but I do celebrate and toast their life and the relationship which I had with them.