Studies

[RiverL]

To start... I know this section of the forum is titled Wicca. I consider myself a witch and am studying witchcraft, including reading some books about Wicca; I don't, however, consider myself Wiccan because that doesn't feel quite like the right path for me. So I hope it's still okay for me to ask a question here about studying general witchcraft...

Months ago, my mentor loaned me a few books to read. I admit I skimmed parts of them, because I have time management issues and was cramming the reading in amongst a number of other things. I do recognize that wasn't doing myself or the studies any favors. After a rough summer of clearing out a lot of stress from my life, I'm now rereading--more thoroughly and with more intent--one of the two books out of those few that honestly called to me. Spiral Dance, for those who might know it.

The first time around, when I read the book, I only did a handful of the exercises. I didn't see the point in some of them, so I skipped them. This time, my mentor is taking a more active role in guiding me through the studies, and he's told me I need to do all of the exercises, other than the ones that are specifically for doing in groups. (I'm a solitary practitioner; he's the only other witch I know well, so doing the group exercises is obviously not possible for me, though some of them can be adapted to do solo, I think.)

The difficulty I'm having is that I still don't see the point in some of the exercises. If I do something without understanding the reasons behind it, I'm doing it only because I was told to, and I don't get anything out of it. It seems to me that doing these exercises for the sole reason that they're in the book and my mentor said I had to would be counterproductive; my intention wouldn't be in it, I would just be doing them to get them over with. When I told my mentor that, he said maybe Spiral Dance isn't the right book for me and we should look for something different.

I think it is the right book. I'm just running into a mental block about those exercises. Complicating matters, I have anxiety disorder; running up against this issue is kicking off the anxiety to the extent that I'm having trouble even opening the book without an anxiety attack.

Does anyone have any advice on how I can get past the block, or how I can change my thinking about those exercises so I don't feel like I'm just doing them because someone told me I had to?

[Jenny Crow]

If it was myself I would want to understand WHY the exercises need to be done and WHAT they help you accomplish. If you know why you're doing something I think it helps. Perhaps you could ask your mentor to explain what the exercises help with. Each exercise in a book often leads up to the next exercise which makes it important to do each one.

Having said that I started reading that book years and years ago and threw it away, but I know some people like it. The book focuses on Wicca as a Goddess-worshipping religion, to me it's not so much about Witchcraft and it's very feminist. Starhawk trained under Zsuzsanna Budapest of the Dianic tradition of female centred goddess worship.

If you are drawn to this book then perhaps you are not so much being pulled to the old Craft but are being drawn to Wicca after all and goddess worship. Perhaps you could have a talk with your mentor to sort out the path you want to follow.

[RiverL]

Thanks, Jenny. I'm not feeling drawn to all of the book. For example, the chants that include goddesses' names don't feel at all "right" for me. While I do, in some ways, work with a goddess, I don't know that I worship her, and I consider there to be a duality and balance. (I also consider that this is a being who *I* perceive as female because I'm human, but probably doesn't actually have a gender the way humans think of it, but that's a whole other philosophical discussion...) I also work with Shiva and other deities who are commonly identified as male.

I like Starhawk's way of explaining things, but not everything she explains is something that calls to me or feels like part of my path. I was actually just talking to my mentor about that this morning. As I said in my first post, I read Spiral Dance several months ago and am rereading, and I had also read one of Scott Cunningham's books at that point; my mentor and I determined then (April or May, I think) that Wicca is not my path. I'm too eclectic and a bit too ornery to follow any structured spirituality or religion.

What my mentor and I determined when I first read the books he loaned me was that the closest name-able thing to my path is shamanism, which completely calls to me and feels right given that I've been called a healer since I was very young. But some of the more generalized things Starhawk talks about, like some of her meditation exercises and the basics of casting spells and consecrating tools and such, fit for me. The more overt Wiccan philosophies and Goddess worship don't.

Some of the exercises, it's obvious to me what the purpose is. But some, not so much, or I understand the purpose of *part* of the exercise but not the entire thing. This morning my mentor asked me to keep track of which exercises are ones that leave me thinking "Okay, why am I doing this?", as well as the exercises that require being in a group because at the end of October we're going to visit a friend of his who is also a witch (but not Wiccan) and he's going to see if she'll do the group exercises with us.

[Jenny Crow]

It sounds that you're going through what a lot of people do at the beginning of their journey into Wicca/Witchcraft. It's all about sorting out your own feelings of where you want to go and what you're drawn to.

I think it'll be helpful to meet your mentor's Witch friend - he/she will probably have a different perspective on things which will give you more information and more food for thought.

To become a real Shaman it takes years. I know there are weekend workshops that are advertised here and there but it takes more than that. It's a hard path, but if you find someone to teach you it's well worth it. (I believe anyway).

Keep at it, you will eventually find your way through the maze and walk the path you're meant to take.

[norseman]

RiverL, the paths are not something to read about but something to experience and live. No shortcuts ! Don't expect this to be easy because it is not. The paths are individual and ideosyncratic, unique to each person. So, the paths are not about knowledge as such, but much deeper that that - more emotional, intuitive, and sensorial. Don't worry too much about it, YOUR path will find YOU. As far as Shamanism goes, do not be fooled into thinking that it is purely a North American/Siberian path solely. Shamanic paths were common right across Eurasia during the last Ice Age - there is evidence of shamanic practices in Britain originating around 8000 BC [ Look up Star Carr excavations ]. My own path, the Cunning Folk, has shamanic practices at the root.

[sea-dove]

Hi RiverL,

Your post reminded me so much of myself at the start of my spiritual journey. I had a high wiccian priest of a large coven do traditional mentoring to me for 9 mths for me to figure out if that was the path I wanted to take. Like you, it didnt feel the right path with the gods/goddesses so I was never went through wiccian initiation. Having that mentor though had been great as it had broadened my mind so much towards other things.

I realized my path was more a shamanism one, more alone and individual but really connected to things. Then later I went on more of a lightworker path but its still combined with shamanism in a way.

I believe with this path no one else can really teach you a lot as much of your learning will come from all around and within yourself and from experience. I dont think one can learn a shaman path from a book, the world teaches. I naturally had so many experiences which guided me once I got onto this path eg I merged with plants, I went into a crystal, a rabbit spoke to me (in its telepathic way), I had a strange storm nearly blow me off of a mountain top and merged with the earth to not be harmed, I faced some strange tests

Ive found that whenever someone else has made me read something, it had little value to me and never has. It really was something I did not need to read. Sometimes I will only need to read a section for a book or a few lines. If you arent drawn to those exercises you probably are not ready for them yet or they just arent right for you.

[RiverL]

norseman, thank you. I am well aware that one's path is an individual thing. I was also already aware of the history of shamanism, but thank you for sharing it for the benefit of those who might not have researched it. And I have no intention or desire for shortcuts. My question was specific to whether I should do the exercises in the book I was, at the time I posted, reading, given that some of them felt counterintuitive to me.

I have since finished reading that book, and did most of the exercises because they did feel right, though in some cases I made adjustments. (As Jenny said, the book is very heavily Goddess-oriented, which is fine but isn't my way; some of the exercises included chanting various Goddess names, and I altered those to remove that bit.) I haven't yet done the group exercises, since my mentor and I haven't taken our trip yet. But his friend has agreed to help with them.

sea-dove, I have had personal experiences, including shamanic journeying both intentionally and while in trance, that are guiding me toward that path. I've looked back through journals I've kept since I was 14, and see several times over the years when I, unaware, did shaman-ish healing work with others; healing and being bound to nature are two things that have been part of my life since early childhood. (Trees and the wind used to speak to me when I was young, until "helpful" adults around me told me to stop saying things like that because people would think I was crazy. The trees and the wind didn't stop speaking to me; I just stopped listening until I started these studies.) The reading I'm doing is partly to ensure that I have full understanding of the various paths and methods available to me, and partly to give me a more solid foundation in history and theory. Also because I like reading and learning things.

My mentor isn't making me read anything. He has told me to choose the books I feel contain what I need to know. His role is guiding me through reading the books I've chosen by giving me "assignments" (e.g. read a chapter a day and take notes), having me do exercises that *are* beneficial and to which I do feel drawn, and discussing the readings and exercises with me. Although I enjoy learning new things, without some framework and guidance I tend to fall into the trap of "I have too many other things to do"; having external accountability as well as accountability to myself, and someone with whom to process what I'm learning, helps.

[1Eris]

I've had two candles combust and start a fire (in my fireplace today) which is either the strongest magic I've ever done, or the universe telling me it's not needed. So since I've put that fire out and turned off the smoke alarm I'll happily contribute to your post whilst everything in the fireplace cools enough for me to clean it out.

I'm a mix of most of the things that you mention. I'm not happy working with the spirit path of shamanism at the moment although I can heal. I definately don't do groups. I'm not even sure if i 'worship' any dieties. I'm attracted to the motherhood attributes as that matches my life at the moment but I don't picture or worship any particular goddess. I try to respect the earth, stay close and in tune with nature. I have my own vegetable garden, herb garden and a beautiful flower garden. I'm careful about waste, compost what I can and remember that we all are divine beings.

You'll find that you learn as you go along the path. I've read maybe 2 books on Wicca/witchcraft. The rest of the stuff I've learnt internally, through meditation, magic, trial and error, or books on plants (mostly about healing plants), and folklore.

The main qualities I try to work with are love, playfulness, humour and wisdom.
I don't believe in the threefold rede but I do believe that the energy you project is what the universe matches you with. I do believe that we all have a responsibility even down to the way that we think, as thought forms can become entities or real too.

If something feels wrong for you it probably is, but likewise, if it feels right, it probably is right for you. Don't forget that sometimes we are challenged, and a lesson is learnt. It's just a case of going where you want, when you're ready, and trusting yourself.

[RiverL]

Thank you. While I am learning from books, I'm also learning from sources such as this forum, from my mentor, and from my guides and a couple of other beings who have joined in to point me in the right directions. (Including reminding me of important things like grounding before attempting a spell or ritual... I always forget that bit...)

I also have found that I know more than I know I know, if that makes sense. Sometimes I think I know something but second-guess it and look it up or ask my guides or mentor, and it turns out I was right in the first place.

Your way of doing things sounds very similar to how I feel and what I do.

[Treehugger]

RiverL, I think you are very smart and in tune with who you are. I'm sure your mentor/guide has been helpful, but you seem to know your own heart. It sounds like you've instinctively been following it and walking your path for years.