Distracted by my Love's love for another...

[truth.seeker222]

I have been married to my wife for 6 1/2 years now. We have been together for almost 10. We have 2 beautiful little girls together. We own our home and our vehicles. She is a stay at home mom by choice. We are very young to have accomplished all of this (I am 27 and she is 24).
My mention of these things is not intended to be boastful, but to explain that we have a great life and are very blessed.
My wife struggles with anxiety and depression, and often even mentions self harm. I have a very hard time wanting to be around her when she gets into these moods. She yells, punches things, screams and cries. And it is contagious. I am a very latest back person. But I have found myself having anger problems of late. Even my girls pick up on it and display the same behavior. They have inherited spiritual sensitivity from me and know things that they shouldn't know, like vocalizing someone thoughts that haven't been spoken.
This is wearing me out. I value peace and quiet. I value a comfortable atmosphere in my home. And as long as my wife is absent, I am able to maintain that atmosphere. But when she is here, the battle between the atmospheres ( I don't know how else to word it) is just exhausting. She is not a spiritual person. She tries to practice religion, but even has a hard time with that.
Now, I know that I haven't spoken of her love for another, but here it is. She made friends with a woman that she met a couple years ago. She refers to her as her best friend. When they first met, they were never not around each other. If they were physically separated, they were connected through text messages. My wife would sleep with her phone in her hand. She changed her sleeping habits to match this friend. She started neglecting our girls, our house, our marriage. Basically all of her responsibility. She was managing our money at the time and we fell severely behind on our financial obligations. Without my knowledge. I found out when utilities were shut off.
Her depression and anxiety started when she met her "friend". The friend has dealt with them for a number of years. She also deals with epilepsy and a myriad of other illnesses and disorders.
She has used and manipulated many people. My wife and I were warned about her by members of her friends family when they first met. We were told that she has found a friend, used them to get away from her husband, and then has even broken the marriage of the friend by consuming thier life with their relationship.
My wife helped her get away from her husband. She would spend days at a time with her friend, and was and currently is again, trying to be alone with her whenever possible. It almost ended my marriage, because I was so exhausted from it all. I almost filed for divorce. I had documents and pictures that I had kept showing the neglect of our children and house. I had pictures of her friends medication that I found in our medicine cabinet that my wife was taking (Klonopin). I also had pictures of conversations that my wife was having with other men, that were inappropriate for a married woman. One of the men is also married.
My wife recently found the documents while going through my phone while I was sleeping. She deleted them, even my backup. And now, everything is going back to the way it was in the beginning. For about six months, it was getting better.
I can't go through this again. I don't want to be that angry person again. I don't want to feel the need to abuse any substance to feel happy. I don't want to dread coming home. And most of all, I can't let my kids do it all over.
Any advice or encouragement appreciated. Thank you all in advance.

[In Flux]

Hi, that is a very intense story, I can see it's a really difficult situation. What you wrote reminded me of Eckhart Tolle's first two books, where he mentions the pain body, how it's activated, and how awareness can help to channel the negative energy. His view is just one way of looking at it, but it might help you (in my opinion, he speaks very wise words about this topic). Also, following his practical advise requires relatively little spiritual awareness on your wives' side, just a willingness to both be present in the moment where these experiences take place. And even when it's just you applying the practice, the message of his book is that the situation can be improved.

Best wishes,
Martin

[Clover]

Your wife is a very young mother, and keeping a household together with children is a big responsibility. Wondering if your wife even had the chance to explore college or other outlets like traveling outside her current environment as a stay at home mom. Being a stay at home mother is a very challenging an overwhelming position take on. Your a round the clock nurse, doctor, teacher,counselor,cook, maid and on top of that,we have to please and reward the full time working husbands. It's mentally exhausting. You mention your wife deals with epilepsy and other illnesses/disorders. That really does add to the load of pressure... Have you got her into therapy and counseling? I sense there is a deep rooted problem with her internally. The crying,punching and throwing tantrums is not good for the children to see. I think it definitely needs to be addressed with a professional. Neglecting the household is often a cry for help and I wouldn't make her feel guilty nor ashamed for it. Moms are humans, they get burn outs and mentally check out sometimes, trust me, been there done that.



I know your in a tough position, marriage is a lot of work to maintain. Divorce is a very long and painful process, I don't recommend to take that route without help first. It really looks like she needs aid and its not being addressed leaving her vulnerable to dangerous behaviors. Maybe she is just having a burn out too. How about a little extra help in the home? I know some families who hire a maid to come in once a week for an hour or so to help prepare meals and clean up a little. I bet she would appreciate an extra hand, it could help motivate her to keep up with the duties. I also recommend to have some date nights; movies, dancing, a drink out with her. Remind her that you both can still enjoy each others company

[truth.seeker222]

Thank you both for your feedback! Clover, my wife is not the one suffering from epilepsy and other things. It is her friend who uses them as a tool to manipulate my wife with, witch is why my wife isn't being all of those things you mentioned. She was in the past, but now is too occupied with her relationship with her friend.

[truth.seeker222]

I also do not plan on divorce. She didn't have much in the way of exploring her youth and so I am giving her a chance. I was her way out of her bad environment. I have been very patient. But it went as far as her leaving me alone for three days after just having had back surgery. Just because she wanted to spend the night with her friend.

[Khalli]

Originally Posted by truth.seeker222

I also do not plan on divorce. She didn't have much in the way of exploring her youth and so I am giving her a chance. I was her way out of her bad environment. I have been very patient. But it went as far as her leaving me alone for three days after just having had back surgery. Just because she wanted to spend the night with her friend.

That is not a good sign. I've dealt with this scenario in my life with 'friends' being more important than Her home. Mine even left me alone while I was recovering from a black widow bite that got infected with a very nasty strep bacteria. She decided to fly from California to New Orleans for Mardi Gras while I was unable to walk.

I too let Her have freedom and now we are divorced. It took me 10 years to realize I couldn't save my marriage. You want to save it, start doing now, later will be too late.

[truth.seeker222]

Originally Posted by Khalli

That is not a good sign. I've dealt with this scenario in my life with 'friends' being more important than Her home. Mine even left me alone while I was recovering from a black widow bite that got infected with a very nasty strep bacteria. She decided to fly from California to New Orleans for Mardi Gras while I was unable to walk.

I too let Her have freedom and now we are divorced. It took me 10 years to realize I couldn't save my marriage. You want to save it, start doing now, later will be too late.

I honestly don't know how to save it. I am trying everything I know to try, and have continuously. Thank you for the insight!

[Nature Grows]

Originally Posted by truth.seeker222

I honestly don't know how to save it. I am trying everything I know to try, and have continuously. Thank you for the insight!

Maybe you don't, but maybe she does? have you tried talking to her, being very honest with her about all the stuff you have said here? what is she getting from her friend that she doesn't get from you? just a thought.

[truth.seeker222]

Originally Posted by Nature Grows

Maybe you don't, but maybe she does? have you tried talking to her, being very honest with her about all the stuff you have said here? what is she getting from her friend that she doesn't get from you? just a thought.

I definitely have talked to her about all of this. I have always been very open and honest with her. The only thing I see is "freedom". Her friend is on government housing, the government pays for her food, her parents pay for her phone, her soon to be ex-husband covers the bills because the court ordered it. She has no responsibility.

[Nature Grows]

Originally Posted by truth.seeker222

I definitely have talked to her about all of this. I have always been very open and honest with her. The only thing I see is "freedom". Her friend is on government housing, the government pays for her food, her parents pay for her phone, her soon to be ex-husband covers the bills because the court ordered it. She has no responsibility.

Oh yea that might be it, i don't know though, she might see her friend having no responsibility's to deal with while she has responsibility's yea, there is some one i know who goes onto her face book and sees other people she knows posting pictures of there holidays and what they are doing and then she compares it to her own life, she gets mad because shes not on holidays when others are... maybe that might make her feel better a holiday maybe? a break from house chores... lol i just thought of that as i was writing this, also some one mentioned maybe a maid to help with the chores, maybe shes feeling its all a bit to much and wants to relax/have free time more, All the best!