Would you date a separated but still married person?

[Raziel]

I Suppose circumstances greatly depend.

They may have come to understanding that they were both heading in different directions I.e a career offer out of the blue.

The idea of children may have changed or loss outside of the marriage could have forever altered a member of the married couple that required one to go off & find something to fill the gap.

Divorce may not always be all "war of the roses" - granted its probably 7/10 but it may have been kinder to them both to separate.

In 2018 when peeps have kids from different fathers & whatnot, it might be simpler to not rush in agreed - yet it still only really has the risk factors of any other relationship.

Most have exes, most have baggage, most are on the back of a previous breakdown.

Sex ... "giving away your flower" ...

Its personal choice.

I can say that previous girlfriends of mine were very different in that department. It was love making & not sex yet still individual.

Not knowing how it feels between people for 2 years is quite a while to not partake in an important part of a loving relationship. I think of it as similar to a personally choreographed dance...

Unique & potentially really special.

olhosdeamendoa being a fellow Englander I'd guess that you know we are quite reserved anyway (outside of London as that's more like a state). There is not the same perception of "how it should be" amongst the common folk.

Were pretty much live & let live ... so live

[SaturninePluto]

Originally Posted by olhosdeamendoa

If you meet a great guy (or girl) with whom you have a great connection and chemistry with, have a great time together, but they are still married, would you date them?

I have met a great guy, but he's got separated only 7 months ago. He lives on his own on a separate house, and according to the law in England, people need to be separated for 2 years before they can fill in for divorce. So, he'll only be able to do so after 1 year and a half.

I mean, on one hand you have this 5D great soul connection, and on the other hand, the implications of 3D physical life, as in legally he's commiting adultery even if separated, and his ex can create problems, etc.

Would you risk it?

Here. Let me focus here on this first and foremost.

Alright you pose this question asking us the general forum populace, if we met a great guy, or gal and they are going through a separation, if we would still consider dating them.

I am at a loss here to answer. A. You don't care to know of in any form whom I would consider dating. As obviously you do not know me, have never spoken to myself formally here on the forum in any of the ton loads of threads.

I assume this isn't about whom I would date or if I'd consider dating a man about to separate or in a state of separation.

With your words about your situation, what it looks like is you are asking to either be told what to do by others or for our permission.

Firstly. I'm not going to tell you what to do, or what you should do (by who's standards anyway?), and I am not even going to tell you to be careful of those handsy- vicious sex needing men, or those manipulative- have no true interest in sex- past the age of 30 awful promiscuous women- that men should run screaming from.

Alright?

And I am also not going to give you not even the hint of my permission either- you do not need our permission.

Honestly though I will say I think you already know this. I think you are not looking to be told what to do, or what you should do. I also know without doubt you are not looking for anyone's permission, and granted why should you? You don't need it!

I think you may be asking because you are feeling your own moral considerations about this, whether it be guilt, feeling this may be immoral or dare I say remorse.

You may come back here and post to argue with me, hey Pluto! Why should I feel guilty if they are separating?

First I am not by any means saying that or that you should. I am however wondering why it is you asked?

Unless you want to be told what to do, or you are asking if not for permission, you seem to be asking us if it is okay to do this?

Your advice thus far- has been to wait- from 7 lum.

And to do what you want you don't need mom and dad to tell you what to do- others perhaps? (Sorry guys, didn't get to every post in the thread just yet).

I feel you may be having doubts honey.

I feel you may be having doubts about these circumstances because you asked us here how we would handle a situation like this.

If we would date a man or woman going through the separation process within a marriage- still a marriage, and technically you are not positive it is final yet- or that it has even failed yet.

And honey? Realistically, you don't give one heck of an iota who I would consider dating...

My advice is to consider waiting a while if you indeed are having doubts.

If you are having doubts about it chances are there is a good reason for that and deep down you know what it is. Could be you are not ready for something like this, or perhaps morally you actually very well disagree with this- I feel this may be so.

If it wasn't you'd never had posted asking.

You'd have done whatever you had wanted anyway.

I think perhaps you need to ask this question to yourself, not us, it doesn't matter how we here feel about it, how do you feel about it?

That is what matters here.

[Raziel]

Originally Posted by SaturninePluto

Firstly. I'm not going to tell you what to do, or what you should do (by who's standards anyway?), and I am not even going to tell you to be careful of those handsy- vicious sex needing men, or those manipulative- have no true interest in sex- past the age of 30 awful promiscuous women- that men should run screaming from.


I think perhaps you need to ask this question to yourself, not us, it doesn't matter how we here feel about it, how do you feel about it?

That is what matters here.

Split sides emoji ...

SaturninePluto does raise an interesting point - it would be great to hear more from the OP's perspective.

We don't know her own circumstances.

I still standby the notion that most relationships have exes, most have baggage, most are on the back of a previous breakdown.


.

[Blue Tiger]

Each person, male or female, is unique. Blanket statements rarely are "one size fits all."

Recently separated/divorced people absolutely are off balance for a time after their split. It's only natural, as your normal state of existence has been shattered and needs to be replaced with your "new normal."

So a smattering of caution is a good thing. I wouldn't rush into a relationship, though honestly a few months post-divorce that is exactly what I wanted to do! I was so eager to "get on with life!"

One thing I feel I should mention: being separated is not a definite status, like divorced or widowed. Some separated couples reconcile. Also, I have heard of cases where either a man or a woman will SAY they are separated but are not, and have no intention of leaving their spouse. Not to say that either of these pertain to your situation, but they need to be brought up.

Make your decision based on your own situation, not what others have experienced.

Would I date someone who has recently separated? A qualified "yes." I'd need to feel confident that they are ready to move on, and that I'm hearing the truth from them.

[Ghost_Rider_1970]

Originally Posted by OEN34

Absolutely!

I met someone when I was legally married and wasn't divorced at the time and it was fine. There's many, many relationships like this, it's more than normal and we're not living in 1940 now so you're fine :)

Ultimately, he's not in a relationship with her, and that's all that matters, IMO.

Oh yes, I completely agree with OEN34. While some men are like 7L says, many are not.

If the person's heart you have met is free then in my opinion you should follow yours. Especially if that person sees you for who you are and treats you with respect and as an equal. What would be a shame is if you passed over someone special because of circumstance or because of an unfounded social convention such as 'you should only date someone after 'x' months' or on a turn of a tarot card etc (believe it or not, that kind of thing happens ).

I really do wish you well and that you find love and happiness in all you do

[innerlight]

Would I date someone who was still married but was separated and had been so for 7 months. Even though we have a great connection and chemistry? I think that depends really. How long were they together? How long did they try and work things out? There are many variables to your question. If they have been together like 10 years, and only separated for like 7 months. That may not be enough time to fully process it, and deal with things. They could still work through things, and reconcile. History with someone is something that can be hard to ignore when it comes to them looking for a new person. Not to mention, one does not want to just be the rebound.

There is no set amount of time on how long it takes a person to get over or move on from another, so it's hard to just jump into things with someone in those shoes. For me, anyways. Doesn't mean I wouldn't talk to them or even go on a date with them. I just wouldn't be thinking anything serious with them for a while.

[7luminaries]

Originally Posted by Raziel

I Suppose circumstances greatly depend.

They may have come to understanding that they were both heading in different directions I.e a career offer out of the blue.

The idea of children may have changed or loss outside of the marriage could have forever altered a member of the married couple that required one to go off & find something to fill the gap.

Divorce may not always be all "war of the roses" - granted its probably 7/10 but it may have been kinder to them both to separate.

In 2018 when peeps have kids from different fathers & whatnot, it might be simpler to not rush in agreed - yet it still only really has the risk factors of any other relationship.

Most have exes, most have baggage, most are on the back of a previous breakdown.

Sex ... "giving away your flower" ...

Its personal choice.

I can say that previous girlfriends of mine were very different in that department. It was love making & not sex yet still individual.

Not knowing how it feels between people for 2 years is quite a while to not partake in an important part of a loving relationship. I think of it as similar to a personally choreographed dance...

Unique & potentially really special.

olhosdeamendoa being a fellow Englander I'd guess that you know we are quite reserved anyway (outside of London as that's more like a state). There is not the same perception of "how it should be" amongst the common folk.

Were pretty much live & let live ... so live

LOL @ Raziel...hahahaha....this is too funny but IMO also such utter rubbish..no disrespect intended. What you say assumes you already had someone on the hook before you broke off the marriage and so you had to wait a whole 2 years...LOL. Also, as we all know, a person knows very well with kissing, embracing, and other touch and forms of intimacy, whether or not they are sexually attracted to one another. And you don't have to dip your wick in the pot mindlessly whilst still in rebound mode and walking around wounded, in order to determine that.

Full-on intercourse and "road-testing" of the other up front is not necessary in order to know whether there is physical desire...not for a woman and not for a man, either. And yes, I've explicitly confirmed this, and so have many others I know, LOL. Men want more, sure...they want the moon. But they don't require it in order to know if you're compatible. That is much more a factor of many, many other aspects of resonance. And it's decent and honourable and right IMO for a man to discipline himself just a bit, LOL, in order to first determine whether he loves a woman as a person, a friend, and a life partner first...and not just whether he fancies her as a shag partner with whom he seems to get on well initially.

And IMO it's way too much to expect to expect another person to be fully intimate -- not when you've not yet got to know them well enough to know if you really love them as a person, a beloved friend, and a life partner. Not when presumably you know (or should know) that you are in no way willing or able to commit as a life partner whilst still shattered and mending.

It's a matter of what we demand and expect in return for what we give, and whether we feel we can presume to demand everything be given for little to nothing in return. In fact, full-on intercourse is no requisite for authentic love and likewise nor does full-on intercourse sustain any relationship which otherwise is not resonant and truly loving. Otherwise we'd all be with the 1st person we shagged

What about honouring the vows for one's own highest good whilst in separation en route to divorce, such that you take time to deal with the toughest bits of your baggage? Without using anyone else as a crutch? And thus you don't enter a new relationship whilst still in another, nor "on the heels" of the old?

Giving yourself time to heal and deal with your baggage is the ideal for all involved and that's what I said to the OP. That, and if she proceeds, using protection and taking great care with herself, as this is without a doubt still the early, unstable phase of the separation "rebound" period. Where the gent must learn or relearn to be whole on his own and to take the time needed to heal. Many gents in his shoes don't know how to be whole on their own and obsessively need to dip their wick and also be bolstered by a woman, using sex and touch and bolstering by a woman directly in lieu of managing their own game and their own emotional realm.

During this rebound period, however, rather than taking that necessary time, the gent may instead engage in a lot of poor judgment and/or pursue rebound relationships (including with her as it's only 6 months in yet). We all know this is very common and it's EXACTLY the scenario you mention LOL!!! I agree with you, it's all too common all round. Men in particular often jump in too soon because they use sex and touch as an emotional crutch...also for some there are addiction issues regarding sex and porn, and they cannot manage their game or do so quite poorly whilst on the sniff for opportunities. But it's neither wise nor good IMO...and the better thing for anyone is this scenario is to lick your wounds and find yourself first and not "on the backs" of someone else.

No matter how great they get on, the gent's still in rebound mode as it's only been a few months and that's something anyone with the OP's best interests would mention IMO, simply for her consideration. Of course, she will make her own decisions and we have only the broad outlines. IMO, that's just fine - I gave general-level information that she may consider or not.

Peace & blessings
7L

[7luminaries]

Originally Posted by Ghost_Rider_1970

Oh yes, I completely agree with OEN34. While some men are like 7L says, many are not.

If the person's heart you have met is free then in my opinion you should follow yours. Especially if that person sees you for who you are and treats you with respect and as an equal. What would be a shame is if you passed over someone special because of circumstance or because of an unfounded social convention such as 'you should only date someone after 'x' months' or on a turn of a tarot card etc (believe it or not, that kind of thing happens ).

I really do wish you well and that you find love and happiness in all you do

Hey there GR.
I really don't mean to come across too harshly...because it may be misdirecting folks. If so, I'm sorry about that.

This is my main point...folks need time to heal..they are walking wounded and those that say they're past that or are not admitting to their needs have simply found ways to avoid, deny, or displace these needs and feelings.

As Raziel says, so many do it by jumping into other relationships and using others as a crutch to deal with their baggage and their wounds. That is de facto how they deal with it, regardless of what they say or what they think they intend to do. That is no destined match, hahaha...and if it were, IMO a gent certainly would and could own his game whilst in absolutely no position emotionally or logistically to commit or even engage mutually as a life partner...my opinion only of course.

And that it's called the "rebound' period for a reason...because folks are in a wounded and unstable place. The only way they ever truly get past this place is when they do their own work, sort their stuff, and look after themselves.

So the timing is poor as regardless of how well they get on, he's just a few months out of his marriage and the wife's bed. And if the OP is asking us on SF and has some concerns, then IMO this is what I would tell anyone I care about.

If a gent were writing about a woman, I would say exactly the same thing but tailored to him. I would also speak to him about discipline and managing his game -- as well as about being vulnerable to predatory women who offer sex freely and nothing to do with love and truly getting to know you.

Peace & blessings
7L

[7luminaries]

I wanted to say I really appreciated and resonated with what Lorelyen, SaturninePluto, BlueTiger, Innerlight, and HumanBeing and others have said. I think there is much common-sense, grounded wisdom there IMO for the OP and I hope she finds it helpful. I too have known several folks who reconciled and many, many more who said they were separated but in fact were simply trolling for sex whilst married and using that as bait. These two reasons are why I don't go out on a date with separated folks, though if simply in need of a friendly ear, I have offered a few of those same folks simply to talk to some if they needed a friend or a friendly ear. They never followed up

The reality is...everyone assumes it's even steven...but the vast majority of women aren't in it for sex and likewise sex doesn't work as a crutch to mend the wounds of their heart. There is also women's far greater vulnerability biologically to harms and many diseases. And there is pregnancy which must be ended or kept. The reality is, a woman always has to assume that she will be the one to bear that burden (pregnancy and childrearing), but particularly when it's a casual thing that a man has rebounded into a few months on.

I'm sorry to say...but I find it odd (but very comforting and affirming..so thank you gents) only HumanBeing and InnerLight took a more neutral or openly cautious road as gents. And that the other voices recommending caution and restraint, and to heed her own inner doubts, have been other women.

Since of course, we don't know the OP, it reflects IMO more on how many gents view women...as fun opportunities to engage in sex and good times. (Or perhaps (?) they speak on behalf of their own wants and/or past or current behaviours...though this last is pure speculation). All I'm saying is...if this were your mum or your daughter or someone you really loved, and she came asking, full of doubts -- never once mentioning the gent knew her well or deeply loved her or wanted to commit to her -- would you privately think he's not in the right place, still married, and that odds are high he's looking to get set up for sex and good times whilst he goes through a divorce and the ensuing rough patch? And prudently recommend caution, stressing it's the rebound period?

Or would you tell her screw caution and go ahead and have at it with the gent, since you know at least he'll surely be horny and so what the hell? Even though you know full well she's tender-hearted and can't relate to men like an animal? Even though you know that without love going in, the odds are as always poor and particularly so, given the timing, his trauma, and the lack of love for her on his part (normal and reasonable when you don't know someone well)? I find it hard to believe that nearly any gent would say this to his mum or sis or daughter when they came with doubts about a very unstable and poorly timed potential situation.

Peace & blessings
7L

[Raziel]

I say this in a pleasant tone - a lot of what is presented from a certain perspective just sounds anti-sex from my perspective.

It isn't the first time either.

Lots of the words have a negative slant - penetrated (sounds brutal), shagging partner (Groovy baby!), Unitarian predator (sounds like a Buffy villain).
Caution in this example is hovering around being physical & scare stories used to illustrate this.

Different strokes and all that.

I'd like to note that I did take into account the Original Posters age (I always check out the poster) & tailored my comments accordingly - with the presumption that shes not daft & will have witnessed or experienced many things herself. I can see that she too was previously married for example .

Perhaps its a cultural thing, I can speak of the (literally) hundreds of English retail ladies I have worked with, many of them still friends.
I can think of one manhunter, most talked freely & discussed relationships with each other & I was often included in said conversations.

Once an individual had implants, different ladies were having a curiosity feel - old Raz was openly offered the same option but I declined out of respect for my fiancée even though it was clinical in nature.

Alongside this many came to me individually (due to my role) & we would work one on one - here they would open up about their lives & I'd be a sounding board & agony uncle.

Those personal perspectives of theirs do not match the "women don't want intimate sexual relationships" argument but "Mr Right" was a common ideal.

Most are married/in long term relationships with children now, it might be the 2nd go around but it is what it is. Again perhaps its a cultural thing.

I don't disagree that time is needed to heal but Ghost_Rider_1970 puts it best, missing out on something good due to a self imposed rule is giving way too much energy to the previous relationship.

As with everything - you don't know until you give it a go.

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