So, God wants us to be perfect, right? - Page 11

davidsun · #**101** 17-07-2018, 10:38 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by Shivani Devi

Agad bhum...Agad bhum...bhaje damaru...naache Sadashiva jagada guru.
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Tn3fQz9kZzc

And that's on 'top' of the universal underlying 'background' didgeridoo "Aum"!

Woohooo!

Shivani Devi · #**102** 17-07-2018, 12:38 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by davidsun

And that's on 'top' of the universal underlying 'background' didgeridoo "Aum"!

Woohooo!

Yeah.

I've spent SO long being a prisoner of my own mind and being a Jnani...questioning everything from the nature of Consciousness to a Non-Dual reality and just going around in circles - hoping they will be ever-diminishing like the extinct 'woo hoo' bird disappearing up its own a-hole eventually.

I don't know if I just cannot 'feel' anymore, or have just forgotten what it is like to exist without rationality and I miss those ecstatic trance states and not these boring ones, where I just sit and stare at nothing for hours or make my hands perform intricate, well choreographed dances.

The only thing I have are memories of tribal rituals and they are fading...of knowing what I am in essence, but it makes no difference anymore and the only reminder is intense heat throughout my body. I have no attachments, no desires, no motivation...and one would think that would be a good thing in the whole 'spiritual sense' but it leads to many a 'now what?' moment.

Even doing the things I once enjoyed brings me no joy or comfort...singing bhajans, playing the tabla, chanting mantras...I would rather do that in the company of others, than doing it alone. There isn't really anything that I enjoy doing anymore...not even reading holy books, walking in nature, eating icecream, journaling or making mandalas...nothing! I just can't get into doing it...it's like too much effort with no reward.

For about a year now, I have lost touch with my heart...my core and I know I love the Lord, but feeling it is another thing and I don't know what to do about this and it's making me very cynical.

Baile · #**103** 17-07-2018, 02:07 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by Shivani Devi

For about a year now, I have lost touch with my heart...my core and I know I love the Lord, but feeling it is another thing and I don't know what to do about this and it's making me very cynical.

The practical and logical side of me says, if you feel that way, there is a reason. So let the reason reveal itself in its time. Meanwhile, get on with happy life. Nothing has been lost. That's impossible. You are Spirit. Everything is Spirit. You are inseparable from Spirit. Life changes and transforms. That's maybe the hardest part, when it doesn't stay the way one wants it to. But what remains, is just as much Spirit as what came before.

I wish it were the 60s again and forever, but it's not. (You say where did the Lord go? I say where did the love go?) So I get on with now. Because now is Spirit, and I am Spirit and this is my now. I feel I do a disservice to miraculous life by wishing and hoping for that which isn't. So I don't.

Shivani Devi · #**104** 17-07-2018, 02:13 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by Baile

The practical and logical side of me says, if you feel that way, there is a reason. So let the reason reveal itself in its time. Meanwhile, get on with happy life. Nothing has been lost. That's impossible. You are Spirit. Everything is Spirit. You are inseparable from Spirit. Life changes and transforms. That's maybe the hardest part, when it doesn't stay the way one wants it to. But what remains, is just as much Spirit as what came before.

I wish it were the 60s again and forever, but it's not. (You say where did the Lord go? I say where did the love go?) So I get on with now. Because now is Spirit, and I am Spirit and this is my now. I feel I do a disservice to miraculous life by wishing and hoping for that which isn't. So I don't.

How do you know that it isn't?

Also, how do I get on with a 'happy life' when I don't know what it is that makes me happy and I am totally fed up with 'trial and error' to find out?

Baile · #**105** 17-07-2018, 02:14 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by Shivani Devi

How do you know that it isn't?

It isn't what? The 60s? Is that what you mean?

Baile · #**106** 17-07-2018, 02:15 PM

Oh.. or that it isn't lost? That's probably it, right?

Baile · #**107** 17-07-2018, 02:23 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by Shivani Devi

Also, how do I get on with a 'happy life' when I don't know what it is that makes me happy and I am totally fed up with 'trial and error' to find out?

Still don't know what you mean by isn't...

Simplest response I can think of: If it is that difficult to be naturally happy -- and I am sorry if it is -- it's quite probably a sign to engage in some kind of talk therapy, or get professional help of some kind, so as to hopefully get to the root of the issue.

Shivani Devi · #**108** 17-07-2018, 02:23 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by Baile

It isn't what? The 60s? Is that what you mean?

Not really that...

I have had some beautiful and amazing experiences in the past...but some will say "that was in the past...time to find something ELSE that will give you beautiful experiences" but there is no comparison to that 'mystical experience' we both shared. Others will say "there is no past or future because everything is NOW' but why aren't I feeling those same things NOW? I cannot forget those experiences like they never happened and 'move on' or else I wouldn't have any reason to live at all and I would just probably end it. I want to feel that love again, but wanting to...and actually feeling it are two different things.

Shivani Devi · #**109** 17-07-2018, 02:27 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by Baile

Still don't know what you mean by isn't...

Simplest response I can think of: If it is that difficult to be naturally happy -- and I am sorry if it is -- it's quite probably a sign to engage in some kind of talk therapy, or get professional help of some kind, so as to hopefully get to the root of the issue.

Oh, I am on anti-depressants...I go and see a shrink twice a month...the problem isn't psychological, it is spiritual. After two years of trying to get to the 'root of the issue', they have basically said there's nothing they can do for me anymore...been there, tried that.

Baile · #**110** 17-07-2018, 02:35 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by Shivani Devi

why aren't I feeling those same things NOW? I cannot forget those experiences like they never happened and 'move on' or else I wouldn't have any reason to live at all and I would just probably end it. I want to feel that love again

I was reflecting on WB Yeats two nights ago. I've read his poetry for decades. He was pretty morose in his old age, I think he desperately longed for his youth and the beauty in particular that was part of it. I'm aware I don't have the same youthful "passionate intensity" as he called it. I used to have intense, beautiful metaphysical experiences!

And now my spiritual life is pretty dang sterile.
Or is it? Actually, it's just amazingly different.

That's what came to me in my reflections. My life now is different. Just different. I will not waste time longing for what was. Read his "At The Hawk's Well" to see what happens when someone pines away 50 years of life, waiting for the impossible.