Meaning of trauma and healing

[Seawolf]

Originally Posted by wanchain

Thanks very much for sharing the links. I will explore the support group more!

I have more than half the list of traits, although nowadays the intensity of my traits has reduced significantly.

Hmm ... sounds like your family did not have the capacity to help you. I don't think my parents have the capacity too, but for me, I have to hide my problems from them, because they expect me to be perfect, to live up to their expectations, so if I don't, my father will get mad at me and blame me for not being good enough. When I was sick, I had to hide it from him, because he would get mad at me for being sick. So at my weakest point, not only did I not get the help that I needed, I got pushed even lower. What I had was not a life ...

Wanchain

Sorry to hear that, it's sounds terrible. I do whatever I need to do to take care of myself and protect myself from abusers. I'm the most important thing, I can't fix any of them or do anything for them anyway, I have focus on me getting better, that's number one priority. I owe them nothing and I'm not letting them control my life any more, I'm breaking out of their mold and of course they aren't going to like it, but too bad I'm doing it anyway for me. They don't want us to feel or express our feelings, they want things to stay the same, to keep us in their trauma world. But we're only responsible for ourselves and have the right to take care of ourselves, to not follow their rules but to have compassion for ourselves and break free.

The more I heal the more I see the horrible things that were done to me, and the more i see that focusing on myself was the right thing to do. That's why we need support because the past trauma will cause us to feel guilty for standing up for ourselves, we need lots of validation especially in the beginning, then later we see that all the guilt was just a lie. We did the right thing by focusing on ourselves and leaving their sick world behind.

[pluralone]

Originally Posted by wanchain

It is also my experience that self-awareness and introspection are the key ingredients for this kind of healing. It is a process of turning our attention inward instead of outward. Along the way, I feel an elevation of my level of consciousness as I go deeper and deeper within myself. At the same time, I also feel that I am acquiring higher sensory perception as I become more sensitive to the subtle vibrations and meanings in the different layers of my psyche.

I am actually not sure whether external help is better or not compared to self help. For me, I use my therapist as a resource or guidance. Sometimes I don't understand why something is happening to me, I talk to my therapist. But overall, I find that most of my progress was a reflection of my own effort, and any external help only serves to enforce, motivate, or guide my progress.

I too had a therapist who supported my personal efforts. Mostly she just listened to me talk things through and work them out for myself. I think there aren't very many therapists who work that way, though, and I think the ones who don't can do folks like me (and, I think, you) more harm than good.

For working out issues from old hurts and traumas, and for helping to learn new and more healthy thinking habits, I think therapy can be a really valuable asset. Too many therapists, though, are unwilling (or unable) to support the spiritual side of things. Lots of them view spirituality as a symptom rather than a legitimate experience. With them, it's probably a good idea to avoid mention of spiritual experiences and just stick with what the therapist does best.

[Seawolf]

Originally Posted by pluralone

Too many therapists, though, are unwilling (or unable) to support the spiritual side of things. Lots of them view spirituality as a symptom rather than a legitimate experience. With them, it's probably a good idea to avoid mention of spiritual experiences and just stick with what the therapist does best.

I find therapists very supportive of my spiritual side. I think a reason for some not seeming supportive though is because spirituality is often used unconsciously for dissociating from trauma. Dissociation is helpful in the short term, but isnt a good long term solution.

[wanchain]

Originally Posted by Seawolf

Sorry to hear that, it's sounds terrible. I do whatever I need to do to take care of myself and protect myself from abusers. I'm the most important thing, I can't fix any of them or do anything for them anyway, I have focus on me getting better, that's number one priority. I owe them nothing and I'm not letting them control my life any more, I'm breaking out of their mold and of course they aren't going to like it, but too bad I'm doing it anyway for me. They don't want us to feel or express our feelings, they want things to stay the same, to keep us in their trauma world. But we're only responsible for ourselves and have the right to take care of ourselves, to not follow their rules but to have compassion for ourselves and break free.

The more I heal the more I see the horrible things that were done to me, and the more i see that focusing on myself was the right thing to do. That's why we need support because the past trauma will cause us to feel guilty for standing up for ourselves, we need lots of validation especially in the beginning, then later we see that all the guilt was just a lie. We did the right thing by focusing on ourselves and leaving their sick world behind.

I am glad you are sorting out your life. For a long time, I suppressed my self-pity. I didn't allow myself to feel sorry for myself, and also didn't allow myself to feel the pain. I think that's why I had strong dissociation, and struggled all my life to be grounded.

Then somewhere in my healing journey, I allowed self-pity. Then some of the sorrows became to flow out of me, and I can be more grounded and present.

You mentioned some things that resonated deeply with me. I know that my family and extended family (that whole tribe) is trapped in trauma, and by being a member of them, even though that would give me a sense of belonging and identity, and give me a root, I really struggled to live by their standards and mentalities. I know that from their perspectives, they have done the best for me and they love me in their own ways, and I probably appear to be ungrateful to them, but it's not that; it's because I think they are really at the bottom of human consciousness, and I can't stand it there.

It took me decades to realize that I was traumatized. I think they would never realize it for their entire lives, not even if I tell them. So I have to let them be.

I had a compulsive need to validate myself. Now I don't. I realized that the need for self-validation and external validation was because I inherited the sense of inferiority and unworthiness, that everything I did was wrong; everything I said was wrong. I was humiliated and mocked by my family when I was growing up. My own way was not good enough, it had to be their way. They used shame to control my behaviors and thoughts. Later in my healing journey I realized that people who are controlling are disempowered and disenfranchised. They had a compulsive need to take other people's power in order to feel better. I also realized that I was very disempowered too, and it took me a long time to reclaim my own power.

[wanchain]

Originally Posted by pluralone

I too had a therapist who supported my personal efforts. Mostly she just listened to me talk things through and work them out for myself. I think there aren't very many therapists who work that way, though, and I think the ones who don't can do folks like me (and, I think, you) more harm than good.

For working out issues from old hurts and traumas, and for helping to learn new and more healthy thinking habits, I think therapy can be a really valuable asset. Too many therapists, though, are unwilling (or unable) to support the spiritual side of things. Lots of them view spirituality as a symptom rather than a legitimate experience. With them, it's probably a good idea to avoid mention of spiritual experiences and just stick with what the therapist does best.

I think I know what you mean by doing more harm. My Rosen Method therapist told me that some therapists and psychologists do not know the human psyche well enough and run the risk of re-injuring their patients.

I was strongly advised to see a psychiatrist or psychologist a few years back. They couldn't diagnose me. I told one psychiatrist about my interactions with angels. She had no knowledge in that area. She just thought that I had some symptoms of mental problems, so she wanted to prescribe me some pills. I didn't take the pills. I was driving, working, conversing, etc., like a normal person. I did some tests with a psychologist, and the result showed that my intelligence was a bit above average. If I had taken the pills, which were to make the brain sleep, I would probably end up being dumber while my real issues go on unaddressed.

[pluralone]

Originally Posted by Seawolf

I find therapists very supportive of my spiritual side. I think a reason for some not seeming supportive though is because spirituality is often used unconsciously for dissociating from trauma. Dissociation is helpful in the short term, but isnt a good long term solution.

The way therapists are trained may have changed quite a bit since I last saw one. Twenty years ago the subject of spirituality was all but taboo. Too, I think it depends on the therapist. I had a Christian therapist - that was closer to thirty years ago - who had issues with my lifestyle, so insisted that my depression was caused by 'guilt'. Not a correct assessment at all. He was projecting.

And I suppose there might be quite a difference between independent therapists and those one would encounter in a large, government regulated clinic.

Originally Posted by wanchain

Then somewhere in my healing journey, I allowed self-pity. Then some of the sorrows became to flow out of me, and I can be more grounded and present.

Yeah! Sometimes I throw myself a magnificent pity party. Really just let myself go and wallow in it. After a few hours (at most) I feel ever so much better. I figure, if I can't feel sorry for me, who will? It's good to have an all-out boo-hoo, woe is me. It's cleansing.

Most of that entire comment, in fact, reflects my own (ongoing) healing process in many ways. Felt really good to read your words; you've reminded me of how far I've come. Thank you.

Originally Posted by wanchain

I think I know what you mean by doing more harm. My Rosen Method therapist told me that some therapists and psychologists do not know the human psyche well enough and run the risk of re-injuring their patients.

Yes. I think that's true of just about any helping profession -- or drop 'helping'; I think it's probably true of any profession period. Some folks take on work that they just shouldn't be doing. It's a paycheck.

Originally Posted by wanchain

I was strongly advised to see a psychiatrist or psychologist a few years back. They couldn't diagnose me. I told one psychiatrist about my interactions with angels. She had no knowledge in that area. She just thought that I had some symptoms of mental problems, so she wanted to prescribe me some pills. I didn't take the pills. I was driving, working, conversing, etc., like a normal person. I did some tests with a psychologist, and the result showed that my intelligence was a bit above average. If I had taken the pills, which were to make the brain sleep, I would probably end up being dumber while my real issues go on unaddressed.

Good for you! Here's where our stories differ -- I accepted the medications. Took them for over ten years, going from one set of prescriptions to the next while my doctor tried to find the 'right combination'.

Ohhh much longer story short, when I finally turned my attention to my spirituality, I realized that a lot of my 'symptoms' had occurred because up to then my experience of spiritual reality had been in conflict with my beliefs (or lack thereof). It wasn't long before I weaned myself off the meds and found that, yeah, I still have tremendous mood swings but they occur less often and are quite manageable, and I'm a LOT more stable without the chemical cocktail. At that point I was able to actually begin the healing work. Could never have done that with medications in my system.

Not that I'm knocking medication, mind you. Some folks find real relief. It just wasn't the right strategy for me.

[wanchain]

Originally Posted by pluralone

Yeah! Sometimes I throw myself a magnificent pity party. Really just let myself go and wallow in it. After a few hours (at most) I feel ever so much better. I figure, if I can't feel sorry for me, who will? It's good to have an all-out boo-hoo, woe is me. It's cleansing.

Most of that entire comment, in fact, reflects my own (ongoing) healing process in many ways. Felt really good to read your words; you've reminded me of how far I've come. Thank you.

Yeah, it took me a long while to realize that I had to allow my body to express whatever it wants to push out. I released a lot of sorrow and shame when I allowed self-pity.

Perhaps because I grew up in an environment where I was not allowed to express myself, especially negatively, so I bottled it up unconsciously for years.

Good to hear that you're making progress! I think the healing journey can be a very long one, and it's encouraging to hear that we are not alone.

Originally Posted by pluralone

Good for you! Here's where our stories differ -- I accepted the medications. Took them for over ten years, going from one set of prescriptions to the next while my doctor tried to find the 'right combination'.

Ohhh much longer story short, when I finally turned my attention to my spirituality, I realized that a lot of my 'symptoms' had occurred because up to then my experience of spiritual reality had been in conflict with my beliefs (or lack thereof). It wasn't long before I weaned myself off the meds and found that, yeah, I still have tremendous mood swings but they occur less often and are quite manageable, and I'm a LOT more stable without the chemical cocktail. At that point I was able to actually begin the healing work. Could never have done that with medications in my system.

Not that I'm knocking medication, mind you. Some folks find real relief. It just wasn't the right strategy for me.

Yes, I do see that medication has its place. Sometimes people do need the convenient relief, for some situations.

Hmm ... interesting to hear that you cannot do the healing with the medication. One of my cousins also was on those medications for maybe half a year or a year, but his situation didn't improve. Actually, he lost sleep, and it affected his job performance. So it was getting worse for him. Then he realized he had to stop the medication and recover on his own. Sounds like a tough journey.

Glad you are doing better without the meds!

Wanchain

[Seawolf]

Originally Posted by pluralone

The way therapists are trained may have changed quite a bit since I last saw one. Twenty years ago the subject of spirituality was all but taboo.

I don't think therapists today discourage any type of spirituality or religion, unless they're grossly unprofessional. That would be considered extremely unprofessional today. I've always felt encouraged to lean on my spirituality for hope and strength. And a therapist trying to push their religion on clients is just ridiculous, I'm sorry that happend to you.

The state of therapy was terrible in the past imo, before they seemed to know next to nothing about trauma and consequently couldn't be effective other than giving people someone to talk to.

Today if someone with serious issues isn't showing improvement in a relatively short time, it's expected and normal to leave and find a more experienced therapist that give results. Generally if a person is not getting better, it's the fault of the therapist. There are so many powerful and effective methods today that there's no excuse, even the worst cases should be expected to see big improvements.

The next major challenge is how to get these methods out to more people, this society is so traumatized it's probably the most important public health issue there is.

[pluralone]

Yep it's helpful for me too, to connect with folks who understand because they've had similar experiences.

Funny; I was unable to bottle up my emotions. Cried constantly when I was a kid. Family shamed me ceaselessly for it, so I fought for control -- and lost repeatedly. Never once occurred to anyone to ask why I cried so much. Just a few years ago my sister told me she'd just thought I was 'being a stinker'. I said something like, 'And yet you never thought to wonder why I would need to behave that way.' Regardless of my motivation, I was a little kid who cried a LOT. No one was concerned. Everyone was annoyed.

Now that I just allow myself my crying jags they're much less frequent and intense, and even when I'm in the middle of it I'm still aware that those tears are doing me good and that I'll recover my equilibrium soon enough. Before, I always felt like if I stopped fighting it, I'd just cry for the rest of my life.

Originally Posted by wanchain

Yes, I do see that medication has its place. Sometimes people do need the convenient relief, for some situations.

I was thinking more like for some people the cause is more physical while for others it's more energy-based/spiritual. For the former, medication is probably essential. For the latter, it doesn't make much sense to try to medicate for a spiritual crisis.

Too, the other possible cause of emotional distress can be situational. As an 'alternative health support provider' (now retired), really often when people came in to ask for antidepressant herbs, upon further discussion they'd reveal that they were living in hugely stressful circumstances or they'd recently lost a loved one or had (or were having) some sort of external crisis. Of course they'd feel bad; it's a natural response to many situations. Can't medicate a situation either, so usually I'd suggest a mild, short-acting mood support herb - as opposed to something that would alter their brain chemistry - and provide either a referral to a place where they could get support for resolving situational problems or I'd work with them myself on that front.

So yeah. Medication is right for some, but really often it's prescribed for the wrong reasons. To me, when someone's asking for help with depression, the first goal should be to determine its cause.

(Sigh) I had a neighbor whose husband died, and when she went in for her annual physical her doctor wanted to prescribe antidepressants for her grief. Imagine that. Yikes. She turned them down.

[Seawolf]

Originally Posted by wanchain

I am glad you are sorting out your life. For a long time, I suppressed my self-pity. I didn't allow myself to feel sorry for myself, and also didn't allow myself to feel the pain. I think that's why I had strong dissociation, and struggled all my life to be grounded.

Then somewhere in my healing journey, I allowed self-pity. Then some of the sorrows became to flow out of me, and I can be more grounded and present.

You mentioned some things that resonated deeply with me. I know that my family and extended family (that whole tribe) is trapped in trauma, and by being a member of them, even though that would give me a sense of belonging and identity, and give me a root, I really struggled to live by their standards and mentalities. I know that from their perspectives, they have done the best for me and they love me in their own ways, and I probably appear to be ungrateful to them, but it's not that; it's because I think they are really at the bottom of human consciousness, and I can't stand it there.

It took me decades to realize that I was traumatized. I think they would never realize it for their entire lives, not even if I tell them. So I have to let them be.

I had a compulsive need to validate myself. Now I don't. I realized that the need for self-validation and external validation was because I inherited the sense of inferiority and unworthiness, that everything I did was wrong; everything I said was wrong. I was humiliated and mocked by my family when I was growing up. My own way was not good enough, it had to be their way. They used shame to control my behaviors and thoughts. Later in my healing journey I realized that people who are controlling are disempowered and disenfranchised. They had a compulsive need to take other people's power in order to feel better. I also realized that I was very disempowered too, and it took me a long time to reclaim my own power.

I identify with everything you're saying. They used shamed to try to control me too. It's like all the abuse from generations was funneled into me. Now I'm starting to see a different way, of self compassion and healing, seeing that maybe I'm not worthless and unworthy, maybe I can feel safe in the world, maybe good things can happen to me. I'm still tearing away from the old world of shame, abuse and trauma. So much has changed in a relatively short time though, the deep processing in therapy and brain changes from yoga are showing that they really work. All I can do is keep doing what I'm doing, always thinking about self-compassion. I keep learning more about the abuse and neglect that was done to me, and how much pain it caused me that was never processed. Learning to feel is so different because we were taught not too, it was taboo because it was too terrifying. It's hard but definitely getting easier to feel now. Starting to feel self-compassion and worth is still foreign, but gradually becoming more acceptable, less threatening and foreign. Their world is starting to fade away.