I want to die.

[CrystalSong]

I got a new level of appreciation on how much we value being in body the other day.

I do psychic reading for the public regularly and met a person who was a Walk-In. I'd heard of that of course but knew very little about it other than Romp Sang Lompa said he was one and in all the many books he wrote I was able to verify many things he said - so I at least had an open mind to the possibility of that being a possibility too.

In my clients case she came into a body which was horrifically mangled in a car wreck with another car and a tree. That person was married to her soul mate and she wanted to get back to him and finish their unfinished business which got cut short in a previous life due to an accident involving a hot air balloon and high tension power lines.

Now imagine that for a moment......not birthing into the world as a baby and growing a body, but walking into a life already formed with family, social circles and memories and into a mangled wrecked body in which you are going to have to spend a year of hospitals, great pain, physical therapy and confused muddled jumbled memories. "Hi Honey!! I'm back! Been trying to get back in ever since you re-encarnated again. So sorry you're going to have to care for me and change my wound pads and bladder bag for the next year...I was hoping for a more romantic re-connection....."

She wanted back into physical form so badly she was willing to try and recover the damaged body she came into when the original occupant just wanted out. All that and she forgot upon entry into that pain ridded wrecked body why she wanted back into the physical planes so badly but always this nagging feeling that she was here for a really important reason and that she went through a lot to get here.

Once we're in body we forget the grand plan, why we wanted here so badly. I know you want out now TheDivineOne, but I can't help thinking you have what so many now in spirit only want - a human body in the 3rd dimension. You Will get to come back as a woman - soon as a body is available and not already nabbed by someone else trying to get back in also. There are uncountable zillions of us. :) Long waiting line!

I'm not saying "You won the Jackpot - your at the head of the line and got a body, now live it up"! But maybe just sit with the idea that you worked really hard to get the body you have and were willing to take it under any conditions and you deemed it well worth it......

[slowsnake]

Hello,
What a sad post!
I am afraid I have to agree to one point, and only one point.

That this lifetime feels like hell,but not all 64 years of it,just the last 36,it's an unusual statement coming from me, I just believe that God/source never gives us more than what we can handle,and every individual is different!

I don't look forward to death,but will have no choice when the time comes I just have to accept it.

And I do enjoy this lifetime,it's not been easy since I was a kid,but I got through,not unscathed but I made 64 and a half, but the last 35 have been rough,but "that's life".

As for reincarnation, well I accept whatever comes my way, and I don't know what that is yet,if and when it happens,it happens!

I want to live as long as my allotted plan,whatever was mapped out for me!

This life can be agonisingly long,just like a visit to the dentist but I have to accept it,this really is my lot in life.
Some have an easy life,"or so it seems" and others have a harder life, "or so it seems"
But life is what you make it,you are the Captain of the ship, and only you can weather the storms and relax during the calms.
Its a very delicate balance life,a lot of folk struggle with all of the complexities of it,it's very easy to not really understand it all,but,its the way it is,this really is "life"

I really hope your thoughts settle a little,you are getting good advice from the members here,and something will resonate within you hopefully.

KRB

[TheDivineOne]

Slowsnake:

I still feel like I want to die... that death is very much something I'm eager for. I like seeing that you're a Capricorn. I'm a Virgo. Capricorns and Virgos are compatible.

I hope that if i keep saying i want to die that will make my life shorter and shorter... and that i will be well on my way to attracting death, bringing death into my existence.

[FallingLeaves]

i getcha... it is really really rough having a female spirit and having to exist as a male. And even going through the societal means of transitioning is only an echo of what could be... you can't have the full physical experience and meanwhile you have to put up with people being mean whereas if you'd just been born that way they'd leave you alone.... but there is such a longing for yourself...

[TheDivineOne]

Originally Posted by FallingLeaves

i getcha... it is really really rough having a female spirit and having to exist as a male. And even going through the societal means of transitioning is only an echo of what could be... you can't have the full physical experience and meanwhile you have to put up with people being mean whereas if you'd just been born that way they'd leave you alone.... but there is such a longing for yourself...

Well, most of what you said is right... up until where you said about "people being mean" whereas I haven't really experienced much transgender-related discrimination on the exception of a few people being jerks and misgendering me, addressing me as a man when i am clearly presenting as otherwise.

[FallingLeaves]

Originally Posted by TheDivineOne

Well, most of what you said is right... up until where you said about "people being mean" whereas I haven't really experienced much transgender-related discrimination on the exception of a few people being jerks and misgendering me, addressing me as a man when i am clearly presenting as otherwise.

well that is a nice thing for you! Congrats!

I been through a lot of this, I guess I don't see any green grass anywhere any more... although I would much rather identify as a woman Still, there is something to be said for the fact that a male body is easier to maintain... and I'm not very good at maintaining things right now...

as far as your new favorite word... in english the words are upside down, backwards, sideways, and/or inside-out. You may or may not reach your stated goal by going with the meaning you've been trained in... although I suppose if you work it the LOA may kick in at some point despite all that

[Kitōh]

Someone told me that if I am willing to be done with life, I might as well use what's left of it to express my Self.

People unhappy with life don't need lectures on how beautiful life is and what they're missing out.

Sometimes, I look in the mirror and it feels surreal. This body which has been with me since birth, sometimes I am not content with it and wish some things were different, but all of that is shadowed when I feel my pulse. The heart has kept beating without rest. When I think about that, there is always a feeling in my throat, like the moment before laughter.
This is when the body seems like a companion and not who you are.


In the end, I don't know much, but it seems like we are here to explore and we do so whether we choose to or not.


Someone told me that if I am willing to be done with life, I might as well use what's left of it to express my Self.

[anditmakesmewonder]

Honestly I fear there are no guarantees we'll get what we want in a next life. Also the wishing for death to rush it, well, what happens if this adds to your karma and in your next supposedly happy life you then become sick and die in an early age as your wish plays out?

I don't think there's such a thing as a female or male spirit, spirit is gender less imho, we just relate to a gender more than the other because of previous lives experiences, either bad or good.

We've talked in the past @Thedivineone and I can't really say any magic words to help you out.
But for now I sincerely wish you start to love who you are, the human, the soul, your mind,your actions and that as soon as this self love starts pouring out of your heart then love will find your way. Or maybe it has already and you haven't noticed that special someone in your life because you still can't love who you are. Give it a chance for yourself.
You'll see that you can still start you life over in this lifetime.

Hopefully when your transition is done you will feel much better.

[TheDivineOne]

Hi, Anditmakesmewonder!

Yes, i remember we spoke on here before. In fact i smiled and perked up when i saw you'd replied to my thread.

At any rate, the thing about it is sometimes in going through the plights and hardships we go through we all have our weak moments. When i started this thread i was at mine.

As for this:

what happens if this adds to your karma and in your next supposedly happy life you then become sick and die in an early age as your wish plays out?

As i read that part, i actually said to myself, "Oh, nooooooo!" Can't have that!

*sighs* But you know what though? This is a prime example of why a part of me wants to not only be female in my next life but to rack up the best possible karma for myself so then my next life is full of positivity and a lot less challenges... that are not as difficult. I keep telling myself if i just face this head-on and tackle this challenge for whatever it's worth then that will -- at the very least -- exponentially heighten the chances of getting what i want in my next life and with as little hardships as possible. That has become my goal in this life: face this head-on and rack up good karma for my next life.

I don't remember if i told you this when we were PM'ing each other but while i do agree that souls themselves don't have gender (do souls even need to reproduce in the Spirit World, anyway?) i do think that at the very least some of us have a gender preference or a masculine or feminine way of being. Logically speaking, aside from a pre-birth decision made on my part that turned out to not be pleasant in the long run, i think either a mismatch of a feminine soul in a male body or vice versa and/or having been one gender (the preferred gender) in a past life and now a different one in the life that follows is a perfect explanation as for why and how people are transgender.

I'm not claiming to know all the answers, nor even to my own life or why i have this life, much less about gender and reincarnation, but i personally think that the point of this current life of mine was possibly to learn to appreciate being a woman for all and everything it's worth and to not take it for granted.

What did you mean when you said i can still "start you life over in this lifetime?"

Lastly, i had been thinking about you in the not-too-distant past and hope you've been feeling better since we last spoke. It seems we're going through this together and so if you need someone to talk to and think that certain someone is me, please do not hesitate to PM me.

Hugs,
DivineOne

[Lynn]

Hello

We may not get the life that we want in this lifetime but that does not mean that we get the easy way out of it. We have a journey we must take for the Soul that is within us so do we not owe that Soul to do the best for this life.

I came into this life unhappy to be female, I even tried to go out of ie at birth. I did not get to. Then at 19 I was told I could never have children, so I so wondered what this life was for if I had to be female. WHY no kids.

I have three kids I had them late in life but I have them, so this was part of the life path I would have missed out on. I too now have the most wonderful man in my life, again late in life we found each other but again I would have missed out on this aspect.

I spent 33 years of my now 54 years of life in an abusive relationship and I did not hide from that experience but I grew from it into whom I am now. I now can say to others "I have walked in your shoes" and help them not spend 33 years in that place like I did. I too know now what LOVe feels like and what a gentle touch is like.

I am happy to have life's breath in me, yet there were so many times in my life I did ask for death to find me and take me away from it all. I had a NDE and that too was a lesson event that did not take me out.

Life is not easy and I know that mine still is not easy but it is life. I bless that very breath I take in and out each morning as I wake. Find something small to cherish in life and build upon that and see where the journey takes one. Remember that the next life in could be even worse if we do not maybe do our best in this one.

Lynn