Strange feelings towards a significantly older man

[7luminaries]

Originally Posted by knightoflenity

Hi again,

You have described yourself a giddy in your interactions with him & IMHO the way in which you write about him is the same.

The cat & mouse aspect is that he invites you out - you reject him knowingly or otherwise. Then you present something to him work wise that he then rejects .... then he tries again for drinks & the cycle continues.

Obviously you know your own life so this is based upon what & how you have written it all on here.

I will say this - you sound amazing, confident, smart but spiritual. Why would you not just view this individual as shallow by now, do you not deserve better than someone who is prepared to toy with your self worth just to get a booty call? Unless you wouldn't mind a booty call but on the condition of him acknowledging you by respecting your work?

Please don't be offended I am in no way judging either of you - after all it is your life & your goals will be different to the next person but as a male I will explain something that most guys won't ..

For a guy the need to be sexual is like needing the toilet, when all of the natural things come into play it is something your body requires to be done. Much like not being able to "go" on a long car journey then you feel relieved once it's done. This is obviously different to intimacy as it is biology not spirituality - if he wants your body - only your body please be aware that there is likely no connection.

The question is what do you want from him? Are you his prize or is he yours or do you wish for more, secretly in your spirit because of the childhood fantasies of "P"?

Again just to clarify you sound amazing - just if you want him to think so then he needs to see it for himself honestly, if he doesn't it's because he doesn't want to.

As someone who has been amongst high powered women often, to me you sound like a rare breed in the fact that your not using sexuality to one up the males but your actual merit & abilities give you confidence. Again if he's not used to that and is essentially punishing you for it why entertain this man with your time personally?

YES. This.
And ditto all the other wise folks who've said (in so many words) that he's treating you with contempt for clearly not "knowing your place" whilst trying to use his position at the office to intimidate you and essentially coerce you into sex without using brute force. This is not a pretty picture.

I could not think of a much more despicable set of behaviours and if I were you I would steer well clear of him.

Peace & blessings
7L

[CrystalSong]

Originally Posted by CrystalSong

It's a common bid from young ladies trying to work out issues of not being noticed enough and paid attention to by their fathers. You'd be amazed at the number of older guys who get younger women in bed who are still processing and trying to heal their Daddy Issues.

So if you don't like the bid you are offering in this Exchange of Energy you might want to look deeper than the surface story you've been telling yourself of "How am I supposed to show him how great I am?".

Why do you even seek his approval and is it really his approval you are seeking?

Upon reread you'll notice I didn't say you have daddy issues, but instead mentioned it was common in connections with these sort of attractions dynamics. It was just a suggestion for you to look at and see if it applied, as you are seeking to understand this connection based on your many posts here.

It is interesting out of all the things I said that is the one you choice to be insulted by but passed by the real question which was:
"Why do you even seek his approval and it is really his approval you are seeking?"

[TheGlow]

It doesn't even have to be daddy issues for this negging stuff to work.

Ever feel you were not thought valuable or worthy. Just get the right person to press those button perfectly and it triggers the old wound and our need to change the narrative. This guys has done this before.

[TheGlow]

Originally Posted by knightoflenity

It could be any number of things & lets be honest, age doesn't really factor into things especially when its an older man/ younger woman as an older man biologically has a longer shelf life.

Totally liked your post but this made me laugh a bit.

I wonder when men will start dealing with their issues needing to think they are a biological match for younger women. Biologically a young man is a match.

Young women were not choosing based on biology when they historically chose older men. It was about resources for her and her childs protection and survival. It still is an undercurrent in society. Men don't seem to want to see it.

Women have issues wanting to be seen as worthy for more than their body by men. Does it not trigger men to have historically been chosen for their wallet and land? I guess that's a different thread though. :) what would those issues be called?

[Raziel]

Originally Posted by TheGlow

Totally liked your post but this made me laugh a bit.

I wonder when men will start dealing with their issues needing to think they are a biological match for younger women. Biologically a young man is a match.

Young women were not choosing based on biology when they historically chose older men.

Ha I knew I should have put this as a caveat as not what I personally believe either - but thought that I could just leave it .

[OnceInALifeTime]

I do not think I would ever feel comfortable with myself if I ever were to get any professional advantage resulting from his attraction towards me. My credibility would be thrown out of the window.

Now, I was attracted to him the first time I met him, before he even became "mean". Before, I even rejected him. We had a nice chat and hit it off quite well. I already was attracted then, but I was new in the company and he looked older, so I discarded it.

What frustrates me is that everyone knows I'm highly qualified, maybe even slightly overqualified. Yet, he acts like I'm a high-schooler. He does not intimidate me. He actually confuses me and quite frankly, infuriates me. I'm not afraid of him. The issue is he is quite high up in the company, so his reviews matter, whether I like it or not. It infuriated me when I gathered he was biased.

You know, I like what I do and the last thing is having him jeopardizing my progress with his ways.

That said, my own manager does not like him. Every single time, she says "sorry, but I am going to say something nasty about him". She clearly read through him.

I don't know. I get plenty of attention, so I'm not specifically seeking any to feel great about myself. I am great as I am. Hence, his attention isn't exactly filling any void as there's none to fill.

I guess I will have my answer soon ..

[TheGlow]

Originally Posted by knightoflenity

Ha I knew I should have put this as a caveat as not what I personally believe either - but thought that I could just leave it .

It was perfect. A giggle placed there and I enjoyed it.

[Raziel]

Originally Posted by OnceInALifeTime

I guess I will have my answer soon ..

There is another possibility here with this man from a purely work perspective that he is essentially just not as good as you are.

I joined a purchasing department for a huge company where the "team leader" dished out the work between us including herself. It became apparent that she took all of the easy jobs herself & passed on the difficult stuff. What a cow I would think .. how does nobody else see that she is crafty.

Then one day her mouse stopped working & she blew a gasket - the woman broke. She refused to work until her mouse was changed. So I got up & went to the cupboard & gave her a shiny new mouse... the office froze .. after some back & forth it became apparent that she couldn't change a mouse - having worked for IT for 50 years. The cat was out of the bag, well my bag as it would seem that everyone else already knew.. that a woman working in IT for 50 years was stuck in 1970.

Suppliers sent her birthday presents, top bosses stopped for a chat but it was all based upon merit garnered years ago & the rest of it was smoke & mirrors on her part. Changing paper, toners, answering personal information on forms all threw her into a panic.

Could it be possible that the confusion on his part stems from his inability in certain aspects of work? Could he simply be stalling answers or getting confused & losing emails. He may not be inept but verging on breakdown due to pressure. The image that he presents & that is expected as part of his position may not be as stable as initially appearing.

I'm not "what if" brainstorming here but my own experience popped into my head - I promised to be honest here

[OnceInALifeTime]

"Losing emails": This made me laugh for a second. I'm not sure how people can "lose" emails in this day and age, unless they deleted it purposely. I wish I could give him the benefit of the doubt, but given the number of unanswered emails in the beginning. I'm going to pass.

I understand he has a huge workload given his position, but I deal with other people who have hold a similar position, and those people don't even take 24 hours to respond to an email. I do not see why he would be unable to respond to emails, unless he has terrible organizational skills.

When I spoke to him on the phone a few weeks ago, he seemed to be on the verge of a nervous breakdown. He to be seemed under a lot of pressure and he was clearly giving out about another department. He seemed tired.

He's a very business savy individual, has a very proactive way of dealing with client expectations. However, from a technical and procedural perspective, he knows next to nothing. Many times I found out he would correct his own mistakes after reading one of my emails or would reply to other people: "I have no opinion on this" simply because he does not know the procedure!

One day, a few months ago, he had the audacity to tell me I made him look like an amateur via email for a mistake a former employee (male) made and when I called him on the phone to confront him, he made the silly joke about my last name. I take my job seriously and especially as in the end, he gathered I didn't make the mistake and my assessment was correct. Just thinking about this episode makes me boil inside.

I think he likes the authority aspect of his position and I'm sure he has great input, but part of his job he can't deal with. I think he's someone who only deals with whatever catches his attention. He seems inconsistent in his approach to certain aspects of his work. I think he likes the perks (financially, authority wise), but he seems terrible with internal stakeholders. Gaining respect from someone like this is like hoping for the world to end.

[Raziel]

Originally Posted by OnceInALifeTime

Gaining respect from someone like this is like hoping for the world to end.

Soooo ...are your "chakras" going crazy after this summery ?