low self-esteem, always stressed

[light25]

hi, I have a friend who is never satisfied with her life. She feels miserable and hates herself. Because she has these certain expectations and every time they are not fully met, she feels anger and frustration.
and then she thinks she puts these negative emotions on others, thus feeling responsible for disturbing other people's happiness. But she has to have her way, that's why she think she is driving people away from her. She feels guilty for people leaving her in a relationship.
She has low self-esteem and think it's always fully her fault, even though her partners also disrepect her or ignore her when she wants to talk about these things.
She is always stressed and thinking about what she should do without her partner. She can't be alone and fears the future. She always needs someone to depend on, hold on to. She sees relationships more like codependency where both are depent on each other and she tolerates being mistreated from time to time.

How can I help her, any suggestions? Do you think she needs professional help?

[Soleil]

Man you just described my little sister. Well I have been trying to help her for the longest but she is going to do what she wants to do even when it is painfully obvious that she is the only problem.

Its heartbreaking, but we just have to remember we are our own being. Our attempts to help may only be making it worse because she may turn it around and feel like you look at her as she sees herself.

Just be her friend, don't engage the negative and keep her focused on what's going on now. She just has s different path.

[light25]

I let go of the idea that I must help her. Who am I who knows what's in her best interest right? Well at least everyone has to go throught certain experiences and learn from them.
The lessons are a blessing in disguise. I will support her but I will definitely stop trying to convince her to do what is not in her alignment.
She will find her path and so will I. :)

[H:O:R:A:C:E]

probably the best thing that you could do is to be a good example of living
your own life in peace. she might decide to follow your example.

it's sounding like she needs to find a balance point within herself, and then
reach out into the world from that state of steadiness. so far, it seems that
she's looked to the outside to provide for her, but since everything outside
is busy serving it's own agenda(s) she's not found her balance. i've come
to believe that happiness doesn't come from outside circumstances, but it
can come from within.

[light25]

I agree with you. I think happiness always starts with ourselves. everything else just adds to it. but ultimately we are responsible for our own happiness.

but my friend cannot give herself that steadiness, hence she needs people to hold on to, to have that secure attachment with.

Originally Posted by light25

hi, I have a friend who is never satisfied with her life. She feels miserable and hates herself. Because she has these certain expectations and every time they are not fully met, she feels anger and frustration.
and then she thinks she puts these negative emotions on others, thus feeling responsible for disturbing other people's happiness. But she has to have her way, that's why she think she is driving people away from her. She feels guilty for people leaving her in a relationship.
She has low self-esteem and think it's always fully her fault, even though her partners also disrepect her or ignore her when she wants to talk about these things.
She is always stressed and thinking about what she should do without her partner. She can't be alone and fears the future. She always needs someone to depend on, hold on to. She sees relationships more like codependency where both are depent on each other and she tolerates being mistreated from time to time.

How can I help her, any suggestions? Do you think she needs professional help?

The impetus has to come from her. Until it does - and sincerely so - then nothing can help. (I say "sincerely" because you often find people here crying for help. Many suggestions follow, some within every human's basic capacity and known to be a way forward.... but you never hear from them again. They've lost interest, don't want to have to work on and with themselves or some reason. So I guess they didn't really want help, just pity or something. That will achieve nothing, of course. There's another topic in this forum section that could be going that way.)

So then she needs to find someone entirely neutral - counselling, maybe. This is where a therapist or a (to me, dreaded) psychologist could help - just being neutral so your friend can just talk it out. And perhaps be advised.

Some improvement in self-esteem can be had by a) looking into oneself at what they can and like to do so that b) they can get very good at it and build strong self-confidence in that field. It may come with ancillary stuff like learning how to present oneself properly to be and do whatever the activity is.

The other, is, of course, to remove oneself from whatever circumstances lower the self-esteem. It doesn't mean quitting necessarily. If it's in a workplace it needs a particular approach (party because one has developed a persona across time that may be difficult to change. It usually needs a persistent and consistent change of "image").

If it's with partners it's simply going to take work on the self and this is where counselling might help - so that a level of honesty about what must be done can be reached. It's too easy for someone in her situation to succumb to delusion and go down a blind alley.

It's going to take effort and that must come from her.

As I see it.

♥

[sapphirerose]

I think it may be time for her to find some professional help. Sometimes (unfortunately), we just have to let a person we care about find their own way and sort things out for themselves. No matter how much we WANT to help, sometimes it's actually best to just let go a little bit and simply let the person know we are there for them. Sometimes, that's all we can do. There is only so much that we can do for someone else.

It actually sounds like you are describing my younger sister, too (aged 19). She is going through a hard time at the moment with anxiety, stress, panic attacks and 'finding herself'. It has been difficult for my parents to live with her lately. I feel like I've done all that I can to encourage her to get some professional help. No matter what I do, she just will not seem to call that psychologist (whom I know would really help her a lot). Sigh. I've done all I can and she knows I'm here for her. I simply have to accept that she's on her own journey in this life, and she will learn her lessons in her own time.

It can be hard, though, to watch someone else slightly suffer whilst you feel a bit useless. I can fully relate to what you're describing.

[light25]

thanks guys..

I try to support her as best as i can. I also advised her to seek professional help, but she refused.

Also I have news.. she recently called me and asked for advice.

She is pregnant.
She doesn't know what to do. Because last months she broke up with her boyfriend and then went back together and then he broke up with her and then they went back together.. now he recently told her that he can't imagine having a child together with her.
and once again she is mad, frustrated and complaints to me about it. the guy always tends to ignore her or say mean things to her when issues come up.

well yeah she told me that she realizes she actually almost moved on, but when he came back and couldn't move on, she went back together with him. But she also told me that they are evolving independent from each other and can't really emotionally connect.
And she also said that she might consider the easy route and stay together because she can't take care of the child by herself.

Well I told her that I can't tell her what to do, in fact nobody can.
I told her she needs to be truly honest with herself and listen to her feelings.