Earned Love Instead of Unconditional Love?

[Altair]

Some say love and respect is earned, not given. Others say it is given, and should not first be earned. I think I understand both ways.

When you are feeling good it is more easy to believe and give respect and love, you don't wait for others to earn it! But when you feel down or insecure it is way easier to say that others must earn it first, because you are save mode, and when others earned it you can then drop your guard and become more vulnerable.

Goes both ways, depends on how you feel.

[Native spirit]

Love that is given freely should be unconditional.Respect on the other hand is to be earnt not given



Namaste

[lancing]

Hmm...I feel like there may be some confusion between some of the features of a loving relationship and actual love. Admiration, respect and affection can be earned, but love...it is. These features of a loving relationship can be earned and they can be lost, but IMO true love can’t be learned, can’t be earned, and it can’t be lost. When I was 9 years old my mother did something very hurtful to me and my sisters, she made up for it by going out and buying us all of these nice things. My sisters and I agreed that we would stand our ground and tell our mother how we truly felt. However, as soon as my mother started pulling things out of shopping bags, each one of them folded like a picnic table. I was the only one that held back, because I felt disappointed and betrayed. But what I remember the most is them telling her that they loved her (the first time I’d ever heard anyone in our household say it). I felt sad and sick. And I thought, they’re all liars, this isn’t what love is, this isn’t how it should be. I realized then that I loved my mother, but I was mad at her and I was disappointed with her and I would not let her buy my affection or my “love.” I’m sure this is a little bit different than the lecture watched, but it seemed relevant.

So, like other responders here, I don’t believe that love is earned or that it can be earned. Plus, IMO it’s quite distinct and very different from admiration or respect or affection, etc. However, love does bolster these things and they often go hand-in-hand. In fact, I think if you purely love someone, these things come automatically and they don’t have to be earned!

[FallingLeaves]

Originally Posted by Flexi-Girl

I came across this video where the speaker was talking about love. I forgot where I found it or I'd put it up. In it, he basically said he believes love should be earned and not given unconditionally with the exception of babies, and or people with certain mental conditions.

He went on to explain how in all your relationships friendships etc, you must always to continue to earn that relationship.

I thought about this idea, and I find it a somewhat appealing. I think the concept of unconditional love gets tossed around so loosely and yet it's never clearly defined in relationships. It makes it hard to know where your boundaries are.

I wonder also, if you have to earn someone's love and they have to earn your love, maybe people would value each other more.

I have to give this some more thought.

What are you proposing, make a list of what it takes to earn it and check each thing off the list as it is achieved, and then suppose that you will still be interested when the end of the list is met? Do you then propose to bind yourself, as to a contract, that you will remain as interested at the end as you were at the beginning of this, and do you propose that the other party should actually believe what you are saying about how you will be there for them if only they earn your love?

What happens for example if somewhere in the middle you think of a new thing they have to do to earn your love? Do you get to add such things to your list as much as your heart desires?

For me it became obvious at some point I wasn't going to get anyone to say the words 'you've earned my love'. All I was going to get was people telling me I had to earn their love. No matter how hard I worked, how earnestly I tried, how much I truly loved. The sweet ending just wouldn't come.

And once it became something else I couldn't have I wasn't so interested in the idea and went to play elsewhere. Although I admit I was mad about the whole thing for quite some time...

[Ziusudra]

Originally Posted by Flexi-Girl

I came across this video where the speaker was talking about love. I forgot where I found it or I'd put it up. In it, he basically said he believes love should be earned and not given unconditionally with the exception of babies, and or people with certain mental conditions.

He went on to explain how in all your relationships friendships etc, you must always to continue to earn that relationship.

I thought about this idea, and I find it a somewhat appealing. I think the concept of unconditional love gets tossed around so loosely and yet it's never clearly defined in relationships. It makes it hard to know where your boundaries are.

I wonder also, if you have to earn someone's love and they have to earn your love, maybe people would value each other more.

I have to give this some more thought.

Hmmm..
It seems that "the speaker" has never experienced unconditional love.

Unconditional love just exists.
It is not something you work towards to earn it.

Love itself is not "earned" neither.
Love happens by just being and being true to self.

Nonetheless, for many, recognizing love can be challenging.
Why?
Because although love is universal, everyone expresses it differently.

[Dargor]

Originally Posted by Ziusudra

Hmmm..
It seems that "the speaker" has never experienced unconditional love.

Unconditional love just exists.
It is not something you work towards to earn it.

Love itself is not "earned" neither.
Love happens by just being and being true to self.

Nonetheless, for many, recognizing love can be challenging.
Why?
Because although love is universal, everyone expresses it differently.

Sorry to burst your bubble, but it doesn't exist.

[Ziusudra]

Originally Posted by SlayerOfLight

Sorry to burst your bubble, but it doesn't exist.

Hmm.. Interesting.
It is sad that you are not able to recognize unconditional love being expressed all around you.

I see and feel unconditional love in many places, whenever someone expresses it by sacrificing self to protect, to help, and to save others, often strangers, without expecting anything back.

Unconditional love can be for the entire humanity, for an example.
Often humanitarians, heroes, spiritual leaders, healers, and etc. etc...

So, even none of us are perfect, there are others who love us unconditionally without even knowing us, just because we exist.
Isn't it wonderful?

[iamthat]

Originally Posted by SlayerOfLight

Sorry to burst your bubble, but it doesn't exist.

The fact that you have no personal experience or understanding of unconditional love does not mean that unconditional love does not exist.

Peace

[TheGlow]

Originally Posted by Flexi-Girl

I came across this video where the speaker was talking about love. I forgot where I found it or I'd put it up. In it, he basically said he believes love should be earned and not given unconditionally with the exception of babies, and or people with certain mental conditions.

He went on to explain how in all your relationships friendships etc, you must always to continue to earn that relationship.

I thought about this idea, and I find it a somewhat appealing. I think the concept of unconditional love gets tossed around so loosely and yet it's never clearly defined in relationships. It makes it hard to know where your boundaries are.

I wonder also, if you have to earn someone's love and they have to earn your love, maybe people would value each other more.

I have to give this some more thought.

I am not sure why one would even call any conditional affection/affinity love.

Real love doesn't stop even if paths part ways, or bad things occur. Real love deep inside knows we are all wounded and doing our best. It doesn't judge, or condemn, or cut off.

The world is as wounded as it is because we mistake affinity, or appreciation for love. Then when it ends we are broken by it's loss.

Real love isn't like that. It doesn't end. This conditional stuff is just a cheap stand in. Conditional love is attachment, need, expectation, manipulation, ect.

No thanks. I wish for none of that.

Love is patient, love is kind.
It does not envy, it does not boast, it is not proud.
It does not dishonor others,
it is not self-seeking,
it is not easily angered,
it keeps no record of wrongs.
Love does not delight in evil but rejoices with the truth.
It always protects, always trusts, always hopes, always perseveres.

[TheGlow]

Originally Posted by Flexi-Girl

Maybe love doesn't have to be earned, but maybe there should be some kind of rule system.

So many people are in unhappy relationships, or they are in and out of love so frequently, and then of course love is often used as a tool for manipulation. It's too easy to say, "If you love me..."

I hope I am not being cynical because I think love really can be spontaneous and wonderful, but it can also be too abstract and open to different interpretations.

At the end of the day, wouldn't it make more sense to have a clear set of rules to follow? I am not saying that as a way to twist peoples arm, but more out of a desire for clarity.

“You may remember the story of how the devil and a friend of his were walking down the street, when they saw ahead of them a man stoop down and pick up something from the ground, look at it, and put it away in his pocket.

The friend said to the devil, ‘What did that man pick up?’
‘He picked up a piece of the truth,’ said the devil.
‘That is a very bad business for you, then,’ said his friend.
‘Oh, not at all,’ the devil replied, ‘I am going to help him organize it.’

I maintain that truth is a pathless land, and you cannot approach it by any path whatsoever, by any religion, by any sect. That is my point of view, and I adhere to that absolutely and unconditionally. Truth, being limitless, unconditioned, unapproachable by any path whatsoever, cannot be organized; nor should any organization be formed to lead or coerce people along a particular path.”

This applies to most beautiful truths. Love being the most beautiful. We humans ruin it trying to control it, and shape it. I understand why we do so.
It is human nature to fear and control is a outcome of fear.

The happiest relationships are those of trust and mutual giving, not control or measuring. Maybe just pick better partners and be a better partner.

Not everyone is truly ready to love. To many expectations and judgements will ruin anything. The unconditional love is kind of the magic of how it works. Doesnt mean everyone is going to be suitable as a life long partner but the right one will know how to love, or at least be willing ti figure it out.