Recovering from an affair

My husband had an affair 2 1/2 years ago that resulted in another child. We were separated for a while. I experienced amazing personal growth and learned so much about myself and changed myself, and my life, for the better for me and both of my children.

But something odd happened, and my husband and I ended up growing closer during our separation. After almost a year of separation, we had found that we both really do love and care for each other deeply. We forgave each other for all our flaws, and have both been working to improve ourselves and our marriage and it has been wonderful.

I honestly do not resent him in the slightest for the affair. And I love his child just as much as I love our children, and I only say "his" child" to explain that I am not his biological mother. But I love him just the same.

At any rate, I have completely forgiven him. He's still working on forgiving himself, and I really wish he would. But I am being patient with that.

What I am having a hard time being patient with is the judgment from other people. Their opinions on my marriage don't make me doubt my marriage or anything of the sort, but I have a very hard time not getting mad when people express their opinions. A lot of people have tried to say horrible things about my husband, and it makes me mad. I don't believe he's an awful person. He's a human who made some mistakes. And I'm not perfect either because I'm sure there are things I could have done to make our marriage better as well.

The point is everything is fine now. For me. Mostly for him. As soon as he can forgive himself, he will be. How do I express this to other people? How can I help other people close to me/us/him forgive him? They won't dare say any of the things they say to me to him. So I have to hear it. And it drives me nuts. And I really wish people would get over it. I find it hard to completely put it in the past when other people won't allow me. And when sometimes family functions can feel awkward knowing the judgment people have placed upon my husband.

I'm getting to the point where I'm ready to disconnect from a lot of people. But I also love them, so I'd prefer not to. But I'm having a hard time with this.

Thanks for any input in advance. :)

[Silver]

That is wonderful that you were able to let bygones be bygones and pull together and mend your relationship with one another. Kudos to you both.

As far as the other people who still don't accept what a wonderful healing took place between you after the affair, you just might have to blast them, all depending on the individuals. They are contributing to your husband's struggle with forgiving himself, and if they knew - if they had a fuller picture of how their outlook and behavior could possibly have a negative impact on your marriage, they might back off on the negative attitude.

You've made your own good luck and your family is already being blessed for your ability to forgive one another.

[SpiritLife]

What you have done is a beautiful thing, and not many can do that. Unfortunately, not many see something beautiful as being beautiful.
Judgement from other people concerning this matter is nothing more than indifference to the well being of another. Ego obviously becomes a big problem sometimes.

But I'm feeling that this is a needed process, and you may wish to try and have patience with it.

There will likely never be any one thing you can say to stop those around you from being judgmental. But you can prove it to them, by remaining steadfast and patient in your decision. At some point, most will give in enough to see past themselves and realise that their judgment of it does not move you.

But I also feel that these judgments may be for your strength and growth.
Maybe there are certain things you've yet to get past, within yourself. And should this be the case, the energy created from it just may be stalling a futher progress for you and your husband.

Be patient.
Be patient with those around you, for your husband and most of all for YOU.

Take no notice of other people. Try to avoid any chat or anything that prompts their opinion about it. It's what you think that counts. You've both come to an awakening, a realisation....

....

Originally Posted by nofearonlylove

...
But something odd happened, and my husband and I ended up growing closer during our separation. After almost a year of separation, we had found that we both really do love and care for each other deeply. We forgave each other for all our flaws, and have both been working to improve ourselves and our marriage and it has been wonderful.

I honestly do not resent him in the slightest for the affair. And I love his child just as much as I love our children, and I only say "his" child" to explain that I am not his biological mother. But I love him just the same.

...
What I am having a hard time being patient with is the judgment from other people. Their opinions on my marriage don't make me doubt my marriage or anything of the sort, but I have a very hard time not getting mad when people express their opinions. A lot of people have tried to say horrible things about my husband, and it makes me mad. I don't believe he's an awful person. He's a human who made some mistakes. And I'm not perfect either because I'm sure there are things I could have done to make our marriage better as well.

The point is everything is fine now. For me. Mostly for him. As soon as he can forgive himself, he will be. How do I express this to other people? How can I help other people close to me/us/him forgive him? They won't dare say any of the things they say to me to him. So I have to hear it. And it drives me nuts. ...I'm getting to the point where I'm ready to disconnect from a lot of people. But I also love them, so I'd prefer not to. But I'm having a hard time with this.

Thanks for any input in advance. :)

Hi nofearonlylove: Wow. Your post reminds me of the vast power of unconditional love. That's what you walk with right now. Wow.

The only input I have is stand strong in your own truth ... it is true you have forgiven your husband ... it is true you love "his" child ... it is true you and your husband rediscovered your abiding love for each other ... stand strong in this.

People love to toss out opinions like penny candy ... it gives us (I say this because I too have been pushy with my opinions) a sense of FALSE power and control.

When it gets to be too much and you are overwhelmed by others' opinions, come back to what YOU know to be TRUE about your life, and honour that. It is truly spiritual ... it is truly powerful ... it is truly healing. You are living your life in the way that feels right for your heart ... really, that's all we can be expected to do.

[sea-dove]

Maybe point out to these people that its okay if they have their opinions on it (as people will no matter what you do!) but ask them to not download their negative onto you as its not being respectful to you to be downing to you about your husband.

I suggest try to broach it in a way about it being respectful for you rather then it being about him (the one they are being angry at).