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Go Back   Spiritual Forums > Spirituality & Beliefs > Love & Relationships -Friends and Family

View Poll Results: What should a stay at home parent be responsible for?
All the childcare and all the housework 3 21.43%
All the childcare and some of the housework 0 0%
Most of the childcare and all of the housework 1 7.14%
Most of the childcare and some of the housework 10 71.43%
All the childcare and little of the housework 0 0%
Check along with your other selection if you think money should be shared openly 7 50.00%
Multiple Choice Poll. Voters: 14. You may not vote on this poll

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Old 08-03-2019, 04:19 AM
Sapphirez Sapphirez is offline
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What do you think about the roles of parents?

I am a first time mother, with a baby now nearing 16 months old, and I am wondering what others think and have experienced as far as the roles of being a stay-at-home parent with responsibilities versus the roles of the working parent?

Do you think that if one person works the other should be responsible for 100% of the childcare and 100% of the housework, or what do you think? If you are a parent, what was your experience like and what were your thoughts on it at the beginning, and as they evolved? Please share as much information as you want. Also what do you think about the money being made and the access available to it? Should the one making it be solely in charge or should it be 50/50 or the stay at home parent get an allowance or what?
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Old 08-03-2019, 04:39 AM
Sapphirez Sapphirez is offline
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I want this thread to be others sharing their experiences and opinions, but since I will eventually share my own, I guess that the main reason I am making this thread is to express that I think the amounts of busyness and work done are uneven if one parent only works outside of the house (or from the home if that is the case, which would present more variables like in my situation) and the other is automatically responsible for all of the childcare and is expected to take care of the house as well.. I know it is a privilege to be able to stay home, but a parent at home, especially with a baby, is busy more often than not, and they don't get to clock out. Even without doing all the cleaning and only taking care of the baby there is very little down time in actuality. And when the other parent gets home and is done working for the day, the 'leisurely stay at home parents' are still on-call and expected to answer the cries and tend to be looked down on if they do something besides childcare or housework. I think that I am stuck in a situation where I am not appreciated (which of course many sources do warn you about before your become a mother lol) and instead should be doing much more than I already am and I just don't think it's fair.. especially to not have a specific time promised to me, even if it is just an hour here and there, where I don't have to worry about what I have to do for the child or house next. I do not do all of the cleaning, but I'm being judged for that harshly and I just think it doesn't make sense. though I'd do more housework if I had more energy and felt better.. but also my particular baby doesn't like to be alone for long periods of time so I can't get much done when she isn't sleeping, or staying at grandma's who now takes her overnight every Friday. So I do get a break then now for sure, but grandma tells me how I should be cleaning on my time off then *sigh* I am just fed up with it and the inaccurate views and judgment of me.. and they also don't see how a person can use the internet for good purposes like I try to, so they look down on me for that.. which I use mostly for spiritual growth, researching, sometimes artistic hobbies or entertainment, and conversing with family and the few friends I have on here because I don't have a social life outside of the internet or go anywhere. I mostly sacrifice sleep to come online anyways because the baby wouldn't let me do much for more than ten minutes before she wanted company.

and don't get me wrong, I absolutely love my baby and am overjoyed to be able to spend time with her!!! and I miss her when I don't see her for a half an hour lol but anyways.. I just know that every person deserves to have a bit of time for themselves, and of course clear time to do housework and other productive things.. It hurts that I already am busy with the baby most of the time and that they think I'm terrible for not cleaning more or for doing things like finding time to spend online which is personally important to me, and usually productive in my eyes.. which they can't understand but then they're not into transformation, increasing self awareness and such things as I am. I do have single mother friends and my mom was on her own a lot of the time (though we also all lived with our two aunts and grandma for a while after parents divorced) so I do feel lucky and grateful that I am able to stay at home and have the child's father around somewhat. and again don't get me wrong I like to think he is above average as far as fathers go, but as time goes on I am unsure.. He works at home a lot of the time so he is around and still doesn't even say good morning or afternoon to her every day. Sometimes he spends more than an hour with her at night, but usually he doesn't even spend half an hour with her.. and he smokes a tobacco pipe so he goes in the kitchen to smoke by the stove fan or else a bathroom fan multiple times a day, and gets drinks, etc.. but can't come and say hi to his daughter that often so I think it is messed up cuz he makes the time to do the other things that are not good for him. I would love to have a little time for myself at least a couple nights a week besides when the baby is at his mom's, but my main concern is actually just how present he is for the baby.. especially if he is at home, he should be a constant force in her life and she know he is there and cares enough to come see her a few extra times throughout the day, and night. He loves her so so so very much and adores her cuz she is of course incredible lol. but I think he is just too unconscious in life/self right now and preoccupied with lower frequency things so to speak so he doesn't find the time and energy to devote to her or realize how much sense it'd make for him to be there for her more. His dad was gone almost all the time, working and then also obsessed with church.. and his mom complains but at the same time tries to defend her son not spending more time with her or even saying hello to her when she wakes up or he's around at the beginning of the day, and says she doesn't believe me when I say how little time he spends with her even though she's apparently defending it too.. it's gotten to a messed up point and they've really villainized me, especially since I try to make my daughter have a pure diet and other things.. She feeds her fresh smoothies and food more now, but he refuses to listen to me and common sense and facts about how bad store-bought processed baby food is and keeps feeding her that against my wishes for about a year now.. I've had to just let him do these unnecessary detrimental things, and money has been raised as an issue (which I don't currently have any say about) yet the pouches of baby food that they cook and process the hell out of cost at least 4 times as much as the real fresh organic food would cost. it's just senseless and thoughtless but anyways I've gone on too long now lol I really just wanted to see what others experience and think, because I hope others see the disparity between how much time's spent working and how much free time each parent has if one has to do all the childcare and housework just cuz the other works part of the day and provides the income which the other parent isn't always allowed to freely access. but I also am open to hearing stories about people who happily did or do all of the childcare and housework and thensome because again I know I should be grateful for the position I am in and spending time with my daughter means everything and actually since I made a bigger deal about this and his mom and stepdad are up to no good behind my back with him, he's spent a little more time with the baby yesterday and I missed her for the hour or two he had her a couple times lol. and ps I would love to earn and contribute an income of my own, but am not sure how I am going to be able to do that right now at this personal point of my life with issues and unfortunately blockages I experience in that regard, but hopefully sooner than later..
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Old 08-03-2019, 05:27 AM
Elabr8Aspie Elabr8Aspie is offline
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I don't envy you at all but i do commiserate.

Stick to your guns though and don't let what others thoughts and opinions affect you.

Like you said ie: ' which they can't understand but then they're not into transformation, increasing self awareness and such things as I am.'

Hence banging your head against a brick wall and against the flow.

Just be aware that this is the case and don't let others thoughts and opinions sway or affect you.

I personally find it extremely negative being around those types,hence i don't associate anymore.

Partnership wise,stay at home,whatever etc etc,it's all about communication,understanding,a 50/50 team effort all round.

Nothing less,nothing more,mutual understanding,even agree to disagree but with some mutual understanding.

I also got the impression because your partner is the bread winner and sole income earner,that there is some power trip going on there?And or you feel in some way inadequate?Inferior?

Anyhow regards income of your own,perhaps concentrate more on your writing,you are highly and emotive on how you write and convey,perhaps that's an avenue to explore.
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Old 08-03-2019, 05:33 AM
Elabr8Aspie Elabr8Aspie is offline
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Ps.Btw on your poll,there should be an option of 50% childcare and 50% housework.

Money obviously should be shared openly in a partnership,sole income earner or not.
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Old 09-03-2019, 03:31 AM
Sapphirez Sapphirez is offline
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hey Elabr8Aspie thanks for your input! well I do think of course since he is working much of the day (though to be honest it varies cuz it's a sales job, selling security systems for ADT) that I should at least take an extra portion of the childcaring so I didn't put 50/50 for that, but I would ideally think the working parent should take half of the remainder of time since the stay at home parent is technically busy working all day too besides child sleeping hours. I really don't mind spending most of the time with my daughter though, I love her so much and miss her when I am without her for a while, but I know that I need time to regenerate and reintegrate with my greatest self to be the best for her. I'd just like a set of promised time where I can cease worrying about her and devote it to myself, and also time without her to clean if I have to do that. two separate times so I'm not expected to be cleaning all of the break time I get or end up feeling guilty if I'm not..

and yeah I think especially since they think I should be working more around the house in addition to watching her whenever he doesn't feel like it or grandma's not taking her overnight, that I should have equal access to the extra money. it's true we are in debt right now, but sometimes he brings home good paychecks and I shouldn't have to worry about when I need something, or even want something not necessarily needed, especially for the baby. Early on in the relationship he had given me a credit card at one point or said to add something to his Amazon cart and has told me to write down or ask for things I want, etc.. but it's just become more difficult and full of pressure as time goes on. to be honest right now things are in a messed up state so it might not be an accurate portrayal of what the reality has been all along, but it's just been harder than I think it should be and I do accept almost all the responsibility of childcare without complaint so I think I deserve a bit more credit.

Thank you for the compliment again, I do love writing and hoped to possibly make an income with it at some point in some way, but what do you have in mind when you advise that?
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Old 09-03-2019, 07:34 PM
Elabr8Aspie Elabr8Aspie is offline
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Hi Sapphirez,

No worries.

Anyhow,i understand your need for timeout to regenerate and reintegrate etc.

I guess you've brought up the subject with your husband and it's falling on deaf ears?

IF so,perhaps just work with what you got and make good use of your time.

I'd imagine it would be difficult being in a relationship and surrounded by family members that are not on the same path as yourself.

Plant some seeds,subliminal suggestions,that is all you can do,they may come around to your way of thinking in time.

Till then,don't stress nor worry nor be affected by what others say.

Keep on marching to the beat of your own drum.

You are on the right path,they are not and simply programmed by the system.

Regards sole bread winner,i can see how you may feel stifled and constrained,especially being a free spirit.

I've added some input at the bottom in regards to writing,but essentially look at what fuels your inner flame.

Anyhow,cleaning wise,i detect you don't like cleaning,as you've mentioned it a few times.

If so,put your mind elsewhere when your cleaning,like putting on some music.

Regards love of writing,you write and express well but just need to perfect your writing style.

Here's a book i'd recommend,google 'Writing routes~A resource handbook of therapeutic writing'.

Your love for writing is a passion and following a passion is what it's all about.

Cathartic too,an outlet,as it helps get things of your chest.

Perhaps look up blogging and start from there and focus on your interests on separate blogs eg: one on Veganism,Astrology,Spiritual etc and or even your take on the world and thoughts for the day etc.

A start point and just take things from there without expectations either,just follow your passion,in time the rest will follow.
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Old 07-10-2019, 09:06 PM
rasheedam9112 rasheedam9112 is offline
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I was a stay at home parent wen I was in a relationship I took care of all the kids my 1 and his 5 when he went to work and I took care of the house
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Old 21-10-2019, 10:29 AM
FairyCrystal FairyCrystal is offline
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You say you are grateful you get to stay home.... this reeks of feeling guilty, taking advantage, being the kept woman and having to be grateful for a man putting up with it.

Think of this: YOU are the one sacrificing YOUR career.
You give up on:
- your own money
- work experience
- growing in your career and developing yourself
- an active, full resume
- having colleagues
- building up pension
- holidays
- weekends
- evenings to yourself

And no, staying home isn't bad, I see it as the healthiest for our children. BUT it should get valued for what it is.
Since you give up all of the above money should sure as hell be shared openly! What else? Getting some pocket money? You're not employed by your partner.
Should he still help with the kids and household? Heck yes! Household and childcare never stops, not at night, not in the weekends.
Doing the right thing to stay home, and give up on all of the above for the sake of your child, doesn't mean you suddenly become a slave and housemaid.
It deserves the utmost respect. At some point you're the one who'll have to pick up a career again, or find a job and maybe face consequences of not having worked for some time. So again, great you choose for your child's best interest, I did the same. But shift your own perspective and demand from your partner too, as well as respect.
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Old 27-10-2019, 12:31 PM
Lorelyen Lorelyen is offline
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It's impossible to respond to the poll. My parents (who were once my foster parents) are both "stay at home" business people and being typical 1960s assumed a certain equality which is better described as parity really. As a teenager I joined in the housework as a matter of gratitude.

They're fairly laissez faire, - and now I look back there were rarely "tellings off". They distinguished between berating because I a nuisance to them (rare) and because I might run into trouble (e.g. with the law). They helped me stand on my own feet although I probably entered their care like that; and have been supportive in my education, my freelancing and travel where (I smile) dad looked on me as a business expense most probably.

I have a great deal to thank them for. Unconditional love. And now as they age, I shall attend to them as need be though I can't think either will actually retire.

I had no intention of bringing children into this world but things are changing and I think they'd like that. I don't have much time if so. I think my man would like that. We have to overcome his parents' vague dislike of mine! Who knows?
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Old 27-10-2019, 03:36 PM
Ziusudra Ziusudra is offline
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This is an interesting poll since I have been thinking about our social issues related to inadequate parenting.

Before I express my opinion, I am a lifetime career woman who actually starting in doctorate program in few months and has a career plan for the rest of my life. (i.e. I probably will work at some capacity even at my deathbed. )
I am definitely a 200% feminist and a pro-choice.

I never had children;however, many of my friends have children. I had been a child myself obviously.
I wanted to have children of my own but it was never in the cards for me, even when I was married.
This is my soul's chosen life path in this incarnation so I follow my life purpose.

Raising a child, a human being, is a big responsibility and a predestined gift.

I believe in a division of labor/roles in a functioning household to maintain the healthy balance and efficiency.
As a full time+ working woman with on-going continuing education, I can not imagine how I can assume childcare and do additional housework due to having children.

All of my current female colleagues with children have a staying home husband who has been taking care of all of housework and most/all of childcare.
Since they have higher income earning powers than their husbands, their husbands decided to stay home to take care of their children. Big kudos to these guys.
Their children are wonderful and healthy human beings as many of them are now adults entering into higher educations and careers.

Even with my career driven mine set, if I ever was lucky to have a child, I would want either me or my husband to stay home without a question until the child goes to college. - whoever makes less income.

Most of housework can be done by paying others to do them.
But NOT childcare.
Nobody can take care of a child as well as the parent. (as long as the parent is healthy and functioning, of course)
Some people are lucky and have a caring and willing grandparents who can take care of their children full time. But most people do not.

I personally benefited from a staying home mom who forgo her career and worked from home for my dad's business. She paid others to do all housework but she was the primary caregiver for me.
I knew that she had her own professional aspirations and personal life goals. So, I am very grateful that she sacrificed those dreams.

To answer your question.
The working parent should volunteer if he/she has enough energy for physical work of doing the housework and childcare. But it should not be mandatory.
Staying home parent should assume most of the housework and childcare.
However, as far as the income sharing, it must be 50/50 in a marriage, especially with children.- without a question.
In fact, most staying home parents control the finance - paying bills, etc. Budget setting and Investment decision should be made together.
"Man cannot discover new oceans unless he has the courage to lose sight of the shore". - Andre Gide
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