I guess I know the answer to this one...

[selene]

but I just need a bit of encouragement... and any advice... I don't even know if this is the wrong subforum to post this. This is a little bit of micro-drama but it has reduced me to pieces :/...

A few hours ago, my very toxic, overbearing, smothering mother and I were having a heated conversation on the phone that still has me very shaken up. Now, my mother employs all sorts of psychological, emotional tactics to get her goal accomplished and her goal right now is to have me date some guy who shows interest -and whom I would actually have stopped seeing after the second or third date, had it not been for her insistence. I have been quite clear with the guy that this cannot advance to anything serious (and by anything serious, I haven't even allowed intimacy) and I guess he just doesn't care much. The lack of compatibility in values, morals, spirituality and interests makes even going out with him equal to pulling my teeth out one by one without anesthesia. I was trying to avoid what eventually happened, so instead of the general 'lack of chemistry', I was very specific about what 'bothered' me with said guy.

Her newest thing hurt too much though: instead of focusing on the topic at hand, she compared aforementioned guy with my twin and she kept repeating in what she pretended was her most compassionate voice that my tf is a monster and his neglect equals emotional torture and abuse. I do not feel this way. My TF and I do not talk often and our relationship has left a lot of loose ends that from the outside could be seen as an inability to move on. But I feel very loved. I feel that it only has positive changes in my life. My TF is actually a very nice, sweet guy. We have never even had a fight. He never fails to tell me how important I am for him. Yes, he does the ghosting thing occasionally, which my mother does not even know -she refers to his lack of commitment to what she believes is commitment on my part. It is not about him though. As much as I'd love to be romantically involved with him, I have been without a partner for many years and I was/am okay with it -and TF has been in my life for a year or so, so it's not him. And I haven't asked a commitment from him in the first place.

It's been many years since an argument with my mother hurt so much. I know all the reasonable reasons why it should not hurt. I know her tactics. I know her ways. I know she has an agenda. I've talked with a therapist about everything in the past and how she manipulated my emotions and blocked any sort of actions that progress me as an individual by keeping me occupied in her drama. And still, I've been trying to calm myself down for hours and I keep crying and crying... part of it is because I know that this was the first step to her actually becoming aggressive about it and I don't know how to deal with it -we do not live together, but she will keep calling and yelling and demand that I cut twin off... another part is that I am realizing that at this point, I am really going out of my way, by even spending so much of my own and his time with some guy I am not even interested to get to know, to keep some sort of peace and balance and I don't even do a good job at it... the third is that I feel she is so unfair on my twin and while I was okay with her doing it to me in the past and making any kind of assumptions, I am just not ready to put up with her slandering him.

I guess I just need a hug... and a confirmation that I am okay...

[ArchIndigo]

I know exactly what you mean.... My mom has always put pressure on me to date people, like Im broken or something and always treating me like im inferior or doesn't show me love. My mom was the biggest obstacle for me to step into my power. I finally stood up to her during her last argument with me. She always argues with me and yells but I don't do anything to warrant it... Finally our relationship has taken a better turn for the better. I am even putting my faith back in her; something I had long given up on with her. It will get better with her, you just have to take the respect for yourself and mirror it to her to the point where she cant affect you anymore, I know easier said than done! . . . That's what I did, the first time it exploded in my face but since then she hasn't done anything to disrespect me . . . In fact she is more loving.

Sending tons of to you!

[selene]

Originally Posted by ArchIndigo

I know exactly what you mean.... My mom has always put pressure on me to date people, like Im broken or something and always treating me like im inferior or doesn't show me love. My mom was the biggest obstacle for me to step into my power. I finally stood up to her during her last argument with me. She always argues with me and yells but I don't do anything to warrant it... Finally our relationship has taken a better turn for the better. I am even putting my faith back in her; something I had long given up on with her. It will get better with her, you just have to take the respect for yourself and mirror it to her to the point where she cant affect you anymore.... That's what I did, the first time it exploded in my face but since then she hasn't done anything to disrespect me... In fact she is more loving.

Sending tons of to you!

Thank you so much ... I guess I do not know how to do that. I have stood up to her, I have taken even days without talking to her after respectfully and with love holding my ground. What she does, after everything (crying, pleading, guilting, yelling) has not worked is demand by force the allegiance of the rest of the family. And it is then that I always cave. I love my siblings and I don't want to put anyone in this position of having to apologize for talking to me or hide it or being yelled at for it. They assure me it's fine but... yeah, it's a hurdle I have yet to overcome. Thank you still <3

Edit: I am also so happy for you for holding your ground and building a meaningful relationship with your mother :)

[Blissful]

I'm so sorry for your sorrow Alyanna!!!

The most screwed up relationship in my life was not my extremely abusive ex but my narcissistic, hypocritic, unloving, scathingly judgemental and abusive mother... I think that itself speaks volumes!!! They say abuse starts in childhood for those who allow it in their grown-up relationships and it's absolutely true for me... we never had a real mother-daughter relationship and there was a gapping hole in my heart that only got filled after my TF entered my life!! I think a lot of all our deep rooted issues lie in our childhood and unless we get over them they will always be a handicap.

When I stood up to my ex for mine and my kids well-being I had to eventually stand up to my entire family (which is sort of controlled by my mom)... because they believed his lies that he had changed and I wouldn't... it was really bad and every past bitterness that I had tried to respectfully keep out of it came out and after the horrific showdown I decided to never see her again... I just vanished from their lives for 6 months though we live closeby... after that profound period they wanted us back... I wasn't too keen because I know abuse is cyclical but eventually went along coz the entire family was awkward from our fall out. The good news is things did change... when I stood up for my self against abuse of every kind everyone had to either accept the relationship was let go or they had to mend it and treat me with respect and care. When you don't take any nonsense, no matter what, you automatically will get to where you want to be... respected and treated properly.

I don't know if whatever I said helped in anyway but be strong dear... I'm sure you can still respectfully create a distance from the bad behaviour of your mother and ensure that your views and wants are respected above their own when it comes to your own life. Its your life and you don't have to pander to anyone's whims... nor do you need to explain yourself too much... we have to be smart enough to know that its just a pure waste of time when there is an obvious disconnect. I hope things get better soon!

tc
-Blissful

[selene]

Originally Posted by Blissful

I'm so sorry for your sorrow Alyanna!!!

The most screwed up relationship in my life was not my extremely abusive ex but my narcissistic, hypocritic, unloving, scathingly judgemental and abusive mother... I think that itself speaks volumes!!! They say abuse starts in childhood for those who allow it in their grown-up relationships and it's absolutely true for me... we never had a real mother-daughter relationship and there was a gapping hole in my heart that only got filled after my TF entered my life!! I think a lot of all our deep rooted issues lie in our childhood and unless we get over them they will always be a handicap.

When I stood up to my ex for mine and my kids well-being I had to eventually stand up to my entire family (which is sort of controlled by my mom)... because they believed his lies that he had changed and I wouldn't... it was really bad and every past bitterness that I had tried to respectfully keep out of it came out and after the horrific showdown I decided to never see her again... I just vanished from their lives for 6 months though we live closeby... after that profound period they wanted us back... I wasn't too keen because I know abuse is cyclical but eventually went along coz the entire family was awkward from our fall out. The good news is things did change... when I stood up for my self against abuse of every kind everyone had to either accept the relationship was let go or they had to mend it and treat me with respect and care. When you don't take any nonsense, no matter what, you automatically will get to where you want to be... respected and treated properly.

I don't know if whatever I said helped in anyway but be strong dear... I'm sure you can still respectfully create a distance from the bad behaviour of your mother and ensure that your views and wants are respected above their own when it comes to your own life. Its your life and you don't have to pander to anyone's whims... nor do you need to explain yourself too much... we have to be smart enough to know that its just a pure waste of time when there is an obvious disconnect. I hope things get better soon!

tc
-Blissful

aww Blissful ... I am so sorry for what you went through and so happy for you for making it through on the other side and strong.

It does help a lot what you wrote because I know that I have gone through some really messed up stuff in my life and my narcissist mother's needs somehow, always managed to come above everything else... on top of that... yes, her need to have me not be alone overcomes her supposed desire to see me happy and that involves too, pushing me to continue with relationships that are raising red flags for emotional and physical abuse -this particular guy is one of them and the fact that she disregards this so easily while he creeps me out is pushing me over the edge.

I guess I am upset with myself because I had managed for so long to keep balance and had thought that things were getting better, because I had kept a serious and respectful distance. Even this was building up for days, but I totally lost it today. I had a real breakdown while talking to her and after talking to her, while she stayed calm and saying 'honey, you are being emotionally abused by a monster who has you convinced that he is an angel'... and for her to turn around the truth like that, for the abuser to call abuse on the one person who has managed to make me want to take a serious look at my wounds and heal... that pushed me to emotional limits I had never experienced before.

But both your and ArchIndigo's post helps a lot and makes me realize that yes, I probably will get it right one of these days :).

[wolfgaze]

Originally Posted by alyanna

I guess I am upset with myself because I had managed for so long to keep balance and had thought that things were getting better, because I had kept a serious and respectful distance. Even this was building up for days, but I totally lost it today. I had a real breakdown while talking to her and after talking to her, while she stayed calm and saying 'honey, you are being emotionally abused by a monster who has you convinced that he is an angel'... and for her to turn around the truth like that, for the abuser to call abuse on the one person who has managed to make me want to take a serious look at my wounds and heal... that pushed me to emotional limits I had never experienced before.

I am wondering - is there any possibility that your recent interaction with your mother triggered a release of sensitive emotional material that had been built up over time from your past and stored within you, and that this explains the intensity of your reaction? If this is the case, then the current emotional activity could be perceived as a 'purging' of sorts and seen in a functional light rather than an indication of any type of set back. Just brainstorming here. : )

Hope you feel better soon Alyanna...



~WOLF

[lostsoul13]

hugs i hope everything will work out ok.. it seems maybe its just an obstacle';be it to strengthen your personal power or the bond you share with your TF? Either way?

[ForgedInFire]

i would think that tf is a direct threat to your mother and her controlling ways. is there perhaps behaviors you acted differently towards her as a result of mr. tf? narcs tend to group together to gain dominance over targets and employ many tactics to achieve their desires of control. mom favors this other guy because she would have an easier time to manipulate you opposed to tf reinforcing you against her. does that seem about right to you?

so what would i do in this situation? cut mom off indefinitely and enforce no contact with her or tell her you will not talk to her if she keeps bringing up these same subjects over and over.. if you do talk with her and she starts up about it.. hang up the phone and do not answer calls after that. tell the unfavorable guy you want nothing to do with him ever again and to leave you alone or you will seek a restraining order against him. but this is me talking here as what i would do personally.. if it helps you in some way.. then ponder over such things if this seem plausible for you.

she may be your mother and i understand your predicament..but under no circumstances should you have to tolerate any such abuses just because she is your mother.

[selene]

wow, guys... Thank you so much...

Wolfgaze ... this is a very original, beautiful response and I think a very accurate one that gives me great hope. It is true that there have been similar 'purgings' albeit not of this intensity, in the past and they always do move me a bit forward and are followed by calm, spiritual, creative spaces of time, now that I think about it. Thank you! It already makes me feel better.

Lostsoul13 thank you, I think you are right that there may be a plan in this :). On an energetic level, my arguments with my mother always seem to bring me closer with TF... I am not sure how it happens because my behavior towards him does not change. We actually met during one of my breaks from her. I don't talk to him about my arguments with her, past a few initial examples I gave to him when we met to explain my strained relationship with her.

ForgedinFire thank you both for your suggestion and interpretation . It is hard to cut off contact with her but yes the talk with that guy is long due and will happen this week. I try from time to time to cut her off too and honestly, while I was in despair earlier, I have been seeing some progress. You are absolutely right about narcissists grouping up -until there is competition... my mother would not feel this way, if I was in love with said guy. But as it is, she thinks she can reinforce her power and yes, she does feel antagonistic with twin. Sometimes, I feel like she finds some sort of pleasure to push me into choices that will make me unhappy but I guess it is exactly that... she wants to be able to keep control and she won't have control over a happy Alyanna.

Ever since TF came in my life, my relationship with my mother has changed dramatically both in terms of how I conduct myself but also how much I let her affect me. I used to live in another continent away from her for almost a decade and yet, even then, she had unbelievable hold on every choice of my life, from what I did for a living to even the smallest stuff, like what I ate on a daily basis and she'd even insist on picking my clothes. I think the last part, me not being her little doll anymore and dressing close to my own personality rather than her wishes, is her most obvious indication but I have been actively and successfully working towards a major career change as well that will remove the last bit of control she may have towards me... and she can feel it. She pretends she is happy for me from time to time -and who knows? maybe she is trying to be happy for me -but eventually, I can see her panicking at others. Sometimes, I understand her. She is a child of deep physical and emotional abuse herself. But I have to break the cycle and this has become more obvious this past year=

[Romy123]

Wow! I guess TF really have a way of bringing up the Mommy issues. My mother was very abusive to me as a child (not so much as an adult because she's changed and I've kept her at a distance). Does your TF have strange similarities to your Mom? My TF and my mother have lived in the same four areas around country (down to the same county in towns less than an hour away from each other) at different times in their lives. Also, they both had the same non-domesticated animal as a pet. And TF and I lived in the same foreign country (in towns about an hour from each other) at the same time in our lives (in our 20's, he's older than me). So I know that there is a huge connection among the three of us. Does your TF & mother have similarities?