Making preparations
I'm not preparing for the best or the worst case scenario, I'm just preparing. If these past few months have taught me anything, the highest highs and lowest lows of this connection are leveling. There have been 20-day stretches when I think I'm "over it," only to have the love return again. It's now been 527 days since I have communicated with my Twin, and the amount of stuff I've learned from this journey is unfathomable. Sometimes I look back on it all and get excited at how much I've accomplished without his input. I have grown so much! I love myself so much more! I am stronger, more confident, no longer a people pleaser. I am not dependent on his reactions or his input to achieve my own inner happiness. I'm OK with being alone forever, too. And not in this self-defeating, if-I-can't-have-him-then-I-won't-have-anyone way, but just in that, I realize I'm whole on my own. I CAN be happy on my own. I can't see myself with any other man now. It just seems impossible, I don't even find them attractive in a sexual way anymore, but maybe that's also because it's been so long since I've had sex. I'm 30 now, and I used to worry about expiring past a "marriageable" age, but I honestly don't care anymore. I'm happy alone and I know I will make a rich and beautiful life for myself even if love, sex and romance are not a component of it. I have great friends and I'm building dreams for myself. I know there are good things ahead. Actually, last night at a party, a friend mentioned an Egyptian man I needed to meet, and my reaction was just kind of like, "oh." Like I was having so much fun living my life that I forgot the idea of "needing to meet some man" even existed. I'm beyond it! It's kind of great in a way! I'm not dependent on these outside forces for my contentment or self worth. I have a long, long way to go, but I'm stabilizing, and I'm setting myself up for future happiness that doesn't involve my twin.
At the same time, though, I can't shake the feeling that we have unfinished business. I feel my being drawn to him constantly and I feel him in me and around me at all times. Most especially when I'm communing with nature (a.k.a. the spirit). When I get back to the soul of life, he's always there waiting, reminding me. My memories of him almost never fail to make my eyes well up with tears, but they're not necessarily in desperation anymore. I cannot shake the feeling that there's more ahead for us, even if it takes 20 years to talk again. But at the same time, I'm not sitting around waiting for something to change. What will be will be. And as I've told some friends, I'm perfectly happy with the idea of meeting someone new/having someone "better than him" come along. I would welcome it with open arms because that person would be, by definition, BETTER than him. For me. And it would take all the madness out of a life of loving someone who lives 5,000 km away. Until/if it's possible for that to ever happen, I'm just living my life.
But there's something new coming, very quickly, and I feel like I need to unpack my feelings around it before it hits me like a bag of bricks all at once.
I have mentioned here on the forum that my Twin is releasing an album. He selected a release date that's the exact same date as my birthday, which is early in the fall. I can't see lyrics, but the tracklist is all about a person, songs about "letting them go," etc. One song is even a woman's name and, if you switch out the consonants, you get mine. It's also a super Anglo name and he lives in a country where all the names are based in a very different language. I know I'm the only non-native woman he's ever been with, so it seems strange he'd name a song after an Anglo-sounding name if it wasn't a reference to me. Anyway, who knows. I won't know anything until this album comes out. But I don't know if I will be rushed with emotions when it finally does. Maybe I'll be cool as a cucumber. Who knows. When I first got wind of this album, I thought about a lot of things. Him unleashing anger, him telling me he's over me, him confessing he still loves. I've gotten past that and I've learned to approach this album with neutrality, no expectation. But having no expectations means I still have to entertain possibilities, so that's why I'm posting here today.
There are a few questions plaguing me. If the album seems to talk about things that are directed at me, do I confront him about it? If I haven't done enough healing to deal with it, maybe the answer is No. Maybe it's not time yet. I think the spirit will let me know. There's also the possibility floating around that I could make a move to his continent. It's so far away from him that it doesn't even really matter, but if I make that move after confronting him about the album and (God forbid he doesn't respond), then he could think I'm making an erratic decision in my life as a result of him not responding to me about the album. Of course that's not true at all. I've been tossing this around for a few months. A part of me wonders if I should just move to his continent, never confront him about the album, and let things unfold naturally, but having a little bit more peace that I know more of his thoughts about our connection.
And what if he writes angry lyrics suggesting I was the one who ran from him, left him. Of course that's not the case, but when people are hurt they can twist the facts and memories to suit their own sob story. I wonder if I'll feel compelled to defend myself, fight out the facts of our separation with him. That's ego, but it makes a lot of emotions boil for me. If a conversation started on this thread, I could get worked up. There are so many things left unsaid to him, and what if I tried to say them all at once?
1.) You started by saying that "IF" I lived in your country, you would want me to be your girlfriend, but you put conditions on our relationship.
2.) When I came home to my country, you kept saying we would see each other again, but you slowly distanced yourself from me. YOU. You did that.
3.) You said I should come back in the summer, but you never once asked me officially or tried to make plans. When I started talking about making plans to see each other again in a real way, you freaked out, as if I was suffocating you.
4.) When I one day said to you, "I believe that if you really want to see me you will make a plan together for this to happen," you shut down and went silent on me. That was the most pressure I ever put on our relationship. Clearly even that was too much.
5.) You took advantage of my moral support and my willingness to talk with you about your personal issues, even knowing that I was doing this because I cared about you as more than just a friend. Yet you seem to have had no intentions of being with me. You just used my empathy for your own benefit, not seeming to care about how it would leave me bled dry once you finally left.
6.) You never once asked me to move and be with you in your country, even though in my heart of hearts, I know I would have dropped everything in my life to do that. I knew you were the one.
7.) You attempted to cheapen our relationship later on by reframing it as a sexual fling. And considering all the emotions we shared together, you knew better. You knew me, and you know how sensitive I was about being viewed as sexually impure, so you did the cruelest thing you could do.
8.) You tried to claim that the whole point of us meeting was just to reawaken your sexual life, so that you could move forward in your life free of restrictions and inhibitions.
9.) You told me you were too busy with work and that it was "completely impossible for you to have a relationship."
10.) Then, you essentially ended the relationship by telling me you were going to go mess around with a bunch of other people until you "met someone who would change your mind." You spelled out to me that I was out of the picture and you were on the hunt for a new girlfriend after you indulged a great deal of hedonism.
11.) You treated me as though I was pathetic for having feelings for you and you were oh-so worried that I would be devastated that you had chosen not to be with me. Clearly I was the only one with feelings and that made me a pathetic excuse for a human and a fool for ever thinking you could have reciprocated what we experienced together. That was how you made me feel. All I did was tell you that it was too soon for me to be in love, I felt blessed to have our time together, and I felt a huge loss by losing you, but that I knew how important it was to live in the present.
12.) I responded to one of your texts about work with a casual message about my summer plans. I'll admit it was flippant on my part, but you just never responded to me again. That was a year and a half ago. You never interacted with me again. I assume you moved on with your life.
Considering all the self respect and strength I've built up over the past year, I truly do want to stand up for myself, and hold him accountable for the things he did and the choices he made. I’m no longer afraid of rocking the boat or losing the relationship with him because I’ve already learned to live without it, and I know I am, and will be, OK. From all outward appearances, I seem to live a fabulous life, and he appears to have made a new life for himself too. One focused very close to home and within the confines of familiar comforts. He had a new girlfriend within two months of our last communication and they're still together. If he can be with her after what we had, I'm not sure I even know who he is. But it's his choice and his life. I have a lot of feelings about it but mostly that I deserve way more than what he was offering me. But unlike a 3D relationship, where I could just sit with that knowledge for a while and close the chapter, it's impossible to quit loving him in all his flawed, insecure, cynical glory. He has so many good qualities too, but that's not why I love him. It's the connection we had. The sweetness I saw inside his soul. The ease of how we were together. The fact that I knew I could spend the rest of my life going to the market to buy produce with this man, stirring sugar into each other's coffee, staying up all night to wax philosophical about life, encourage each other to pursue our passions. We were each other's perfect parter, and he completely disposed of that, as if I was only garbage to him. I still have a lot of frustration around this and I just needed to get it out before this album is released. I want to make sure I am clear and up front now about the emotions I have before this album releases more of them. And I'm hoping you friends on the forum can help me to digest and release all these things I want to hold him accountable for so that I can process this album in a healthy way.
One last thing I will add is that I’m a bit baffled by other chasers on the forum saying they sent their Runners multiple messages with no reply. I talked to him about having feelings and the implication that I would have to let them go since he was choosing to be without me. I told him how much our time together meant to me and I said that I felt blessed to know him. I tried my best not to seem pathetic even though I was bawling my eyes out on the other side of the computer. He seemed more worried about my pathetic self because he had already shut down his heart. I didn’t like that. It felt condescending. Over the next few days I began building up my own defenses and we mostly small talked. We were still in pleasant enough communication in the end, and the last message was a casual one, not me begging him to come back. We haven’t communicated since. Still, I am the Chaser, and he is the Runner. I am the one who knew with all my heart that he was the man I wanted to spend the rest of my life with, and he was the one who thought it must all be a crock. I’m not a clingy person. I’ve given him all the time and space he could possibly need without my interference or pressure to decipher his own feelings around this. A year and a half later, he’s either over it or he’s realized I still possess some pull over his heart. It’s one or the other, and if this album comes out and suggests it’s the latter, I have a feeling TF, the Sequel is coming, and there’s no telling what its plot will be like. Get ready for my roller coaster, forum friends.
Last edited by ForeverRestless : 26-08-2016 at 09:04 PM.
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