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Go Back   Spiritual Forums > Spirituality & Beliefs > Spirituality

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  #1  
Old 21-04-2017, 10:53 PM
reapersweep reapersweep is offline
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Join Date: Jan 2017
Posts: 1
 
Unhappy Fallen angle

I've been trying to work up the courage to post this. I have no idea if this is even the right place to ask and talk but I guess there is no real harm in trying. Sorry it's so long, I'll put a brief summary at the bottom.

When I was young, I thought I was different from the other children. Even taking in the doctor theory that I'm somewhere on the Asperger spectrum, there was something that made me feel out of place.
There was a time that I was developing empath. I was getting good at feeling and understanding what others were feeling. My sister was even impressed (and a little unnerved) at my growing ability. I thought it was great, that maybe I could help people. I thought it was worth the pain that came with it.

But then I fell.

Or it felt like falling. Everything seemed to get worse. Family was struggling and I had a hard time making friends. When I was very young, a bad babysitter had stolen my purity and there was a time I thought that was the reason I had fallen.
These days, I'm not sure if that was true. Maybe I was never meant to be someone who could heal someone's hurt or be someone that people could trust and go to if they needed help.

When it got to the point where it felt like I was drowning in my own self-pity and my mind was becoming fractured enough to have my alters grow, I made a pact with myself. The deal was that on my 18th birthday I would die. If I didn't die then I would never kill myself. If I wasn't able to help others or survive on my own, I thought it would be better if I didn't exists at all.

I'm 22 now and it's one of my biggest regrets.

Maybe you're confused why I'm explaining this; you're thinking I should be talking to a doctor. But there is a point tot his and that's because I've shifted and a new thought had entered my mind and won't go away.
If there are Angels then there must be Demons, light cannot exist without the dark after all. If an Angel falls, than it can be supported.

I can feel a shadow of what I used to be. My ability to feel what other's feel but instead of knowing how to help, I know the best way to hurt someone. Instead of bring love and fortune, I bring pain and trouble. It never reaches rock bottom but it will never be good. People become sick, angry, and depressed if they stay around me for too long. When I'm away they say how much they love me and are willing to help. It terrifies me to get too close because I know it will only hurt them in the end.

TL;DR: When I was young I wanted to help others and even was devolving my skills as a n empath. But things went wrong and I fell. My abilities from before seemed warped and twisted; I bring curses instead of fortune, I can sense the pain in others and know how to manipulate it

If I was once someone who could have been great but has fallen; does that mean I am destined to become a demon? A monster?
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  #2  
Old 22-04-2017, 04:30 AM
MergingWolf MergingWolf is offline
Knower
Join Date: Aug 2016
Location: Missouri
Posts: 188
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hmmm This intrigues me, because i'm quite the opposite, I was a monster, who lost my powers, and every since I been trying to regain them so that I can work more on helping and healing this world and inspire others to awaken, to put it straight I was cursed, and I just want to return to once I was, but instead of being the monster i was, I would use it to help heal.


all we can do is work harder to make or dreams come true, no one else will understand, unless they are like us, they rather stumble on us showing proofs and not believing or willing to help till we do show them, and when you do wind up showing, its fear and being tested upon that ensues
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  #3  
Old 23-04-2017, 09:41 AM
Visitor Visitor is offline
Master
Join Date: Mar 2014
Location: Australia
Posts: 1,558
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Unconditional love is the true healer.

Wanting to be/do/get are conditions. It's sabotage to be so.

Just be loving. Nothing else is required or needed.
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  #4  
Old 23-04-2017, 10:45 AM
Dude Dude is offline
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Join Date: Aug 2016
Location: U.K.
Posts: 735
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Your no monster dude and I am very glad that you did make that deal... however you see things now the fact is your presence here is a blessing.

I do however think maybe that trip to the doctors would be a good idea, it seems to me maybe your depressed, which wouldn't be suprising after putting such a huge burden on yourself. You had a need to help others and learned that it's not always possible- not because you failed but because people really have to help themselves or at least be willing to allow someone to help them and also work with them.

Recognise that that need to help is just that- YOUR need, and that need has a purpose for you.. get to understand it.

I'm not going to accept Demonds but do believe in angels... but do you thinks a demon would feel such guilt?
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  #5  
Old 23-04-2017, 12:17 PM
Eyeland Eyeland is offline
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Join Date: Dec 2014
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You and only you will decide what will you become, in the end. I wouldn't worry about it that much, you said one of the greatest truths out there, "light cannot exist without the darkness". Whatever you become, you're still part of the sacred balance of the Universe ;)
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  #6  
Old 23-04-2017, 05:43 PM
MergingWolf MergingWolf is offline
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Location: Missouri
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yes I am depressed, but not from the burden I put on my shoulders that was something I want to do heal an help people. what has me depressed is I know how to achieve this, but I can't seem to project to go do it, it depends on me getting out of body to go try to pull it off, every since coming to the realization my projections stopped
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  #7  
Old 24-04-2017, 12:50 AM
Carnate Carnate is offline
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Join Date: Mar 2017
Posts: 316
 
I'm going to throw this out there as it may be relevant to your situation.

I'm a natural empath/healer too. And grew up potentially in a similar way, maybe with a more supportive mother.. and different negative events.

While I can't say that I actively tried to hurt people, I too always seem to know the best way to hurt someone, particularly with words. In some ways, it's easy for frustration or anger to change advice, or twist it in a way that serves our ego (at the detriment of the person we're talking to). This is something I have to be aware of when talking to people; not a constant.. only when I'm getting strong emotions.

There have been times in the past where I've gone through times of hardship, and have needed help in managing events. I've seen a few healers in the past, who have been able to (arguably) 'instantly' fix my problems.

It's likely worth speaking to a psychologist and/or a spiritual healer. You've had some trauma in your past and would likely benefit from a change of perspective and a spiritual cleansing. Doing some meditations in clearing your chakras, auric field, and increasing your vibrations is likely to be of regular benefit. This is especially true if you're experiencing a desire to cause harm to other people; this is often a result of a desire to strike back at the world that's hurt you so badly. Coupled with thoughts such as "I don't want to be here anymore", the world seems to be a inconsequential and unforgiving place that prompts you to behave in any way you want.

Try to recenter yourself, find balance, and reconnect with the Light. I have a feeling that things will work out pretty well for you. This is simply a period of hardship, and you are very capable of meeting this challenge and becoming a better person at the end of it.
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  #8  
Old 25-04-2017, 06:32 AM
nanido nanido is offline
Pathfinder
Join Date: Oct 2013
Posts: 66
 
I think your ego is trying to play tricks on you. As we grow in spirituality many aspects of our ego self that were hidden will try to resurface themselves and the best way it does this is through controlling our thoughts. Most of us don't have much control over our mind/mental body, so our thoughts will rise and seize on its own and many times without us being fully conscious of them. Since we don't have much control over out thoughts, then any thoughts can spring up.

When we are still asleep to our true being, we mainly function on our ego self however as we evolve in spirituality our true self (our soul) will try to emerge from our ego self. When our ego self sense that it's losing its ground/identity, it will try its hardest to fight back. During this period, many dark thoughts will start to manifest themselves which will cause our evolving self to feel unwholesome, shameful, guilt and fearful of these thoughts.

The key to navigate through this period is to realize that all of these unwanted thoughts are from our ego that is not our TRUE self which is pure and of god's essence. Our ego is a persona that our soul temporarily put on to experience life. Since that we are the persona now, which means that the involuntary, incessant thinking mind is of the ego so there no point in blaming ourselves for these involuntary dark thoughts unless we thrive on them. The only time I think anyone should feel responsible for their dark thoughts is when it's done intentionally.

Now when these dark thoughts arise just watch them come and go without judging or controlling them (everytime when we try to control or judge our thoughts we are just giving them more life force to stick around longer). When you practice this long enough these thoughts will slowly fade away in the background and eventually vanish and even if they don't completely vanish, these thoughts will no longer bother you. Remember that your ego functions in duality so it always judges/compares however your soul is love and never judges.

I hope you can overcome all your hardships in life. Stay strong and don't give into fear.
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  #9  
Old 25-04-2017, 04:12 PM
lilith lilith is offline
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Well, it's very good you're aware of the darkness in you and have insight. No one here is made out of pure light. Accept all parts of you. Love. There's no need to feel guilty because of who you are. There's this state called dark night of the soul. You might be going through it. Stay strong. It does get better. You'll learn a lot, realize your purpose and one day help people who feel like you now. You have a choice and maybe somewhere just right between light and dark seems like a perfect spot for you.
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  #10  
Old 30-04-2017, 07:42 PM
Mused Mused is offline
Guide
Join Date: Feb 2016
Posts: 561
 
i was in the same position as you - unable to feel other's emotions, and all that stuff. [i never attempted suicide-im scared of physical pain more than anything...oh and of darkness too]

i too suspect i have aspergers [never talked to a therapist]..
lately things started to improve a little. i thought i couldn't feel any emotion seeing something that would make just about anyone cry. well.. i can't really cry when i see people suffering because deep inside i think they must be able to do something to change all that [unless some physical or mental disability stops them] but animals.... seeing videos with injured animals and people trying to do everything to heal the poor thing, turns my eyes into the Niagara Falls.

the only human related things that make me cry are those documentaries when adopted children search for their birth parents.. sometimes documentaries about old people.

if you feel like crying when seeing something sad, you're not turning into a monster..

it seems to me you're more aware of your own feelings and emotions than i am of mine. i feel it is a waste of time and energy to analyze myself. :/
peace
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