Can I get some relationship advice please?

[marshmallow10]

I came here because I find this to be a very supportive environment. I've been dating a man for about 3 months now. I'm not sure if I believe in the whole soul mates thing, but I found our connection interesting. We were friends initially, but we had this immediate connection which felt like we'd known each other forever. It always take me a while to open up to people, but this was strangely different.

Anyway, it didn't take long for me to become uncomfortable with his drinking. He's not an alcoholic, but I believe he drinks too much. He knows I don't like it, and he often cuts down around me, but not all of the time. He doesn't see it as an issue. A light day for him is 6 beers. He handles his alcohol well, but I don't think that's necessarily a good thing. Red flag one?

The main issue for me at the moment is something that has me worried, but I'm not sure if I'm over reacting. I have never experienced something like this before. He is being a bit rough with me. He pokes and flicks me in a playful way, but it hurts. He was poking my leg the other day and I told him to stop, he said he was going to leave bruises. The next day there were a couple of small bruises, he was poking me again and I got angry and said to stop because you left bruises yesterday. He said "See I told you I would leave bruises".

Also the other day we were walking in the shopping centre and he kept pushing me and laughing. I get that sometimes you can be a bit playful, but he pushes hard and I'm small.

I honestly don't think he realises that this might not be appropriate. I'm not entirely sure what I should do, or if this is a warning sign. This type of behaviour is foreign to me, I have never dated anyone like him. And we do have an amazing connection that is making me question what I should do. So any advice would be much appreciated

[Sapphirez]

hi marshmallow. yes I am glad that you came to ask people on this forum for insight. I think that, while I can't speak for everyone, most of us would agree that his behavior is rather concerning. it's wisdom that we should never enter into a relationship with the premise of trying to change another person, but clearly this man needs some changin'. so.. I think that the only hope that you'll have to do that at this point is to not enter this intimate relationship. maybe that will help him realize how serious his misbehavior is, and I wouldn't merely just call it misbehavior. he is misguided to a pretty high degree, and I do have to say I think the alcohol certainly has a lot to do with it.


I have alcoholism in my family and used it to escape anxiety and socialize for many years.. thankfully I was able to quit a few years ago, but then I drank again a handful of times in the past month. and upon puking again the last time I think I am good again lol. I knew it wasn't the answer, but I used to think it was while I knew it wasn't right it was the only thing that seemed to work, albeit made me feel much worse later.. I'm sure you can relate to what I'll say next since you're not a drinker or much of one according to your story. there is such a wonderful freedom, peace, and excitement that comes from knowing you don't have to or won't drink! ahhhh and I really feel strongly that two people cannot have the best relationship they deserve if one or both of them drink frequently.

I wanted to never get into a relationship with somebody who was still so weak and foolish that they felt the need to drink.. but some interesting circumstances brought me together with a man who drinks. He is more awake than most, but not nearly the level of aware that most people on this forum are.. he's shut himself down a lot cuz of hard things he's dealt or deals with. but there is no excuse for drinking because it solves nothing and only creates so many terrible problems. when I first got here, he just drank some boxed wine cuz he said the bottles made him feel too drunk, and he drank a set amount each day to keep some in his bloodstream, and he never intentionally got drunk. but some fights we had would have me question that, though there's another factor of others preying on him but I won't get into that so I don't know, but he'd flip out on me.. and thankfully he did not physically attack me, but he has been very verbally, emotionally, and mentally hurtful. it's been heaven and hell with him, cuz he is one of the most beautiful sweetest thoughtfullest people I've ever met. and then it's like he's not himself. and that is my fear with alcohol, that it keeps us separated from ourselves and unable to truly be ourselves. so that's something very serious to consider when thinking about entering into a serious relationship with somebody who drinks so much, while you obviously want to evolve and grow and glow more. and you deserve to and so does he but he won't be able to get out of his own way if he stays drunk.


So now my 'fiance' began adding tequila to his careful regimen and says he still doesn't really get drunk, but he is drinking about half a bottle a day now. and well he has been resistant to me trying to help improve our lives since I got here. but it was an important lesson for me to work on when I arrived, to learn to leave people alone and not try to change them or intervene. cuz they usually hate me for it. and I think there have been some great improvements to his life since I got here, and we have a daughter who just turned 1 year last month and she is the bestestestest lol.. but he's got to stop being selfish and downright stupid, though I don't like to use that word he is.. n he's a smart bright guy so there's no excuse except that he just doesn't want to face his own demons and realize the better ways to live that I've been trying to help us with.


He resents me so bitterly that it doesn't seem to matter what I say, he automatically rejects it or ignores me or gets mad if I don't let him ignore me. it sucks lol, seriously.. and I know I have work to do on myself and to fix how I talk to people, but it's really just not fair how I'm being treated, and he makes it out like I am the villain and one who is so terrible and deserving to be mistreated. I almost believe it but deep down of course I know better. it's like he doesn't even want me anymore. I've hurt him too but not intentionally or carelessly. *sigh* and I truly think that his preoccupation with alcohol and a few other choices is what is responsible for him being so cold and insane, because it just doesn't make sense.. how he can be so angry with me for trying to do what is right or give our daughter the best food; ie fresh real raw food, not processed stuff he keeps getting her no matter how many times I protest or cry over it.. it just doesn't make sense how he can not see that fresh food is far superior, or that he doesn't care?! when he loves our baby soooo much. I'm sensitive and smart and interested in researching, so I know or find out a lot of things that could be done or bought better, and I don't make the money so he resents that too. but some choices would save him money if he listened to me. but anyways, sorry I'm going on about myself, I hope it is helping to illustrate the kind of silliness and sadness that dealing with an unconscious person choosing to exist on alcohol entails.

I know that the only hope I have is to focus on myself. but there are things he's doing that are harmful to our daughter so I'm at a crossroads. not to mention the fact he is poisoning himself every day is harming her in other ways and might cut her having a father short and I want him to live a long wonderful life..


He doesn't drink beer so I can't compare what the equivalent to what your new beau is drinking to what mine drinks now or used to drink (he used to drink enough wine to stay below the legal limit and not exceed it, but with the addition of tequila now that seems unlikely) but more than 5 beers seems a lot. and I know guys that handled their beer and other alcohol very well, but still, it is having an impact nonetheless. and you said that's a light day. that coupled with the fact that he thinks it's amusing to hurt you, even playfully, is a banner not a flag sweetheart. perhaps you were brought into each other's lives for another reason besides getting romantically involved. not sure if you could just be friends, especially since he seems forceful and manipulative, but either way if I were you I would make up my mind and regretfully inform him that these are very serious issues you can't take lightly and are unable to get intimately involved with him. I do think that there is infinite hope for every person, but as it is right now you should put up some boundaries sweetie. and you at least once told him to stop doing something and he kept doing it

I really hope that he takes you seriously, if not for your sake, for his own. He needs someone like you to show him how sad this situation is and that his condition is not in pique form. maybe you could tell us here on the forum more about your amazing connection and the positive side of the relationship. but despite what that encompasses you should refrain from being his girlfriend at this point. all you can do is tell him the truth and be honest. hopefully he will see your shining intentions and get a wakeup call. even if he doesn't right away, you may just be that pivotal encounter that helps him eventually see himself in the light he needs to. *hugs* You deserve the best, and so does he, and in his current state he's unable to meet you there


how old are you guys?

[Clover]

Hello Marshmallow

I feel we can have strong ties to many individuals, my belief is that we have a number of soulmates in our lifetime, I also believe not every soulmate we encounter demands a relationship. So just keep in mind, you dont’ have to force a relationship with a “soulmate”, at the end of the day we are all connected and never separated.

Second, we cant condition people to our liking. Attempting to change someones ‘ habits’ has to come on their own terms not yours, or else it can create all sorts of anger and resentments (talking about the beer). You can however, have control of your life and eliminate what does not serve your highest good. Thats great your being thoughtful and considerate for his health, but If hes going to change, he has to do it on his own terms. I am reminded of Maya Angelos quote, “when someome shows you who they are, beleive them” Good read HERE on that subject matter

Lastly, my feelings about the way he touches, pushes, flicks you.... Red Flags and unacceptable, imho. No one has the right to put their hands on you without your wanting or consent. In the US, unwanted touching has all sorts of potential grounds for legal woes in public places and the work force. In the work force, if your work colleague flicked and bruised you ( even if you had a freindly relationship with them) they would terminate them on the spot as that could potentially create all sorts of legal troubles to the company. If an adult male pushed me in public, I would call the authorities and file a complaint. Now, I get it, your in a relationship with this person but still, that does not give him grounds to do whatever he wants to you. You are your own individual, your not property. Would he flick his mother and bruise her for fun? Why would that be acceptable for you? Do you know what I would do to my son if he flicked me for fun? Oh he would not get a happy response from me. Your BF has to respect your boundaries. As a parent, I have dealt with bullies and inappropriate behavior, first rule with us mothers, KEEP YOUR HANDS TO YOURSELF. I am incredibly adamant on this rule, my son has been pushed,teased, and thrown things, its no laughing matter, I will go up to the parent and set it straight. Point in short, we learn the no touching rule at a very early age because it can have all sorts of consequences, esp as adults. We have to respect boundaries, all relationships and freindships require boundaries.

That is just my opinion on the matter, pardon the length or choppiness, using my phone, I just had to comment on the touching thing, It doesnt feel right to me, nor the pushing and laughing in public, it shows me early signs of bullying and abusive behavior, something I am very sensitive to.


Your doing the right thing by questioning and evaluating your relationship. Trust your internal guidance. It will keep reminding you.

[marshmallow10]

Originally Posted by Sapphirez

maybe you could tell us here on the forum more about your amazing connection and the positive side of the relationship. but despite what that encompasses you should refrain from being his girlfriend at this point. all you can do is tell him the truth and be honest. hopefully he will see your shining intentions and get a wakeup call. even if he doesn't right away, you may just be that pivotal encounter that helps him eventually see himself in the light he needs to. *hugs* You deserve the best, and so does he, and in his current state he's unable to meet you there


how old are you guys?

Thanks for your detailed response, that was very helpful to hear another perspective. I'm 36 and he is 40. There are a lot of positives, that's why I don't want to leave just yet. We have this strange connection that I have never experienced with anyone. At first he was able to know what I'm thinking before I would say anything, or if I am worried or upset about something he often says something about the issue out of the blue and fixes it before I actually talk about it. I found it freaky at first, like he can read my mind. This happens a lot when he is miles away and we are talking on video chat because he works away. But after a while I have been able to do similar things.

I have had anxiety issues, and he came along just at the right time. He gives me so much positive and gentle encouragement to overcome my anxiety and he has helped me get out of my comfort zone recently. While he says that all the improvements I have made in regards to my anxiety since we met have been my own hard work, if it wasn't for him I'd still be hiding at home!

He actually told me he had fallen in live me me quite early, and this did scare me at first because my logic said no one falls in love that fast. But after a while I realised I felt the same way I was just scared to admit it. I guess I just find this relationship very different to any other I have ever had because of our connection. It's really like I have known him forever and I can't explain that. I feel so comfortable and myself around him which was unusual for me at such an early point of our relationship.

He is a very loving, kind, thoughtful person. And he honestly treats me like a queen. But I his drinking changes him, and I don't like the person he becomes. And not only that, I worry about what it's doing to his health. He starts drinking about 9 or 10am some days when he's home from work, and continues all day. AFter a few he's fine, but I see the changes in him after more and more. When I bring it up he doesn't believe me, he says he's just tired.

I brought up the poking and bruises this morning before he started drinking and he denied it. He says he never said he wanted to bruise me. He seems like he honestly doesn't remember saying that. This happens a lot, forgetting things he said to me.

This is a difficult situation, but I don't think I can put up with it if he won't even see there's a problem. If he did and started working on his issues, then I'd be there for him. But I know you can't change someone, he must change for himself, not for me.

[marshmallow10]

Originally Posted by Clover

I am reminded of Maya Angelos quote, “when someome shows you who they are, beleive them”

Brilliant quote! Thanks :)

Originally Posted by Clover

That is just my opinion on the matter, pardon the length or choppiness, using my phone, I just had to comment on the touching thing, It doesnt feel right to me, nor the pushing and laughing in public, it shows me early signs of bullying and abusive behavior, something I am very sensitive to.


Your doing the right thing by questioning and evaluating your relationship. Trust your internal guidance. It will keep reminding you.

Yes I felt like it's early signs of bullying and possibly abusive behavior. Particularly when I bring it up, he just refuses to take what I say seriously and then he says I'm winging and complaining.

Thanks for your advice :)

[marshmallow10]

Originally Posted by Clover

Hello Marshmallow

I feel we can have strong ties to many individuals, my belief is that we have a number of soulmates in our lifetime, I also believe not every soulmate we encounter demands a relationship. So just keep in mind, you dont’ have to force a relationship with a “soulmate”, at the end of the day we are all connected and never separated.

I like this. I find when people talk about soul mates, they are often referring to a single person who they will have a romantic relationship with for the rest of their lives. But I have also read about soul families, and I wonder if soul mates are just one of the many members of your soul family who come into your life for various reasons to teach you something, or help you move forward etc. It might be for a long time, or maybe just briefly.

It's possible that this man is in my life for a short period of time, as he has helped me make some very positive changes and improve myself which I needed, and not sure if I would have done it without his influence.

Honestly doesn't sound like a good match for you. It takes a few dates over a couple of months for someone's more "natural" behaviour to emerge. What you're seeing now is his part in the relationship panning out. Sort of, in non-spiritual terms of the mundane world, potentially 'What he's really like.' It does seem that he thinks you're there for his benefit, not you're both there to benefit each other.

Do you see it as a long-term thing? You seem to have two choices: progress with it but be aware you may have to back out later if his actions cause more discomfort; or start closing it down now. Gradually distance yourself. Tell him that whatever it is about his behaviour you don't like has got to stop as you don't like him for it. He may stop for a while but watch he doesn't revert.

There's no sense walking into a long-term relationship if you aren't comfortable with it now; if at times he provokes you to anger.

Be bold. Judge by actions not words.
Good luck!
.

[aragonite_11]

Hi Marshmallow,

I have been through something very similar, but with him is was drugs. First it was that he liked to take them recreationally but then built a tolerance so it got steadily worse.

Similarly, he would be too rough with me all the time. He started crossing more and more lines until one day he threw me across a room in rage which put me in hospital.

It sounds as if you are an empath and bring in people who need help. However, it's just not possible to save everyone and when it comes to putting yourself in danger you must try to get out. Please listen to your gut.

I'm lucky to be alive so I am hyper aware of everyone else who could be in a dangerous relationship. I find it so hard to see people in similar situations and wish I could help them. But that's me also being an empath!

It could be an idea to manifest exactly what you are looking for in a relationship. After my ex, I found someone who never takes drugs or drinks alcohol and is super gentle, this is the real deal.

[Lucky 1]

The relationship is still new and you are already seeing an abusive side of his personality.
What it going to be like down the road????

Bottom line is you need to make it perfectly clear how you feel about both his drinking and what he's doing to you when he's under the influence.

And if he's unwilling or unable to see it and make a change...and he might not be......I'd pull the plug!

Being in an abusive relationship just isn't worth it and after awhile......the good things in the relationship will come to be overshadowed by the bad....

This coming from a guy who raised two daughters and watched them grow up and go out into the dating world........of course I was the sort of dad who made it perfectly clear to dates that if you miss treat my girl......you are putting your life in danger!

[Ziusudra]

Anyway, it didn't take long for me to become uncomfortable with his drinking. He's not an alcoholic, but I believe he drinks too much. He knows I don't like it, and he often cuts down around me, but not all of the time. He doesn't see it as an issue. A light day for him is 6 beers. He handles his alcohol well, but I don't think that's necessarily a good thing. Red flag one?

Yes, a BIG red flag.
Not just for his alcoholism (6beers /day is light drinking is alcoholism), but it is alarming how you are becoming comfortable with it.
We often are attracted to people who resonate with our own inner demons.
Most women would walk out immediately at his addiction and his physical abuse. They would not be questioning.

Yes, his physical interaction with you was a physical abuse since you asked him to stop because of pain but he continued. He is sadistic.

You can NOT fix him.
He needs to fix his own addiction and his unempathatic sadistic nature.

Get out and cut him out of your life immediately for your own physical and psychological well being.

You may also benefit from getting some therapy to figure out why you were ok with his addiction.
When you center and ground yourself with self love and self respect by letting go of your inner demons, you will attract someone who also practices self love and self respect. Someone like that can expand their inner harmony with you.

It does not matter if he is your soul mate, TF, or whatever.
You are here to experience and learn from this physical life as he has to with his.