people coming out of the woodwork

[ragdoll]

People from my past are coming out of the woodwork. First was a now ex-friend who I really admired as a teen who used and abused me, but I was too naive to understand. I had not talked to him in years, and he kept calling me friend even though he didn't talk to me or invite my anywhere or anything. I confronted him about it and he said he'd try better. We started hanging out but it was just things he wanted to do. I was annoyed but on the third meeting he hit me in public. I told him to not touch me and to get away from me. I walked away and he followed me to my car. I haven't talked to him since and have removed all methods of contact with him. I realized now that I admired someone because of what I wanted him to be, and he wasn't. It was my expectation and I was willing to ignore my boundaries to have him near.

Then, a husband of an ex-friend commented on a picture of mine on FB. He said, "Happier times" in regards to the picture. I don't know what his context was but I considered it for me. Those were "happier" times, as in I was ignorant of this now ex-friend's abuse and use of me. She liked to gossip about me and cause problems, and I realized I was never important to her. Just an option. But I treated her as if she were important. When she called I picked up. When she asked me somewhere I went. When her husband waved a gun at her and threatened to kill her and himself, I was supportive (I also told her to leave him and she didn't). I found out she had gossiped with another now ex-friend of mine and helped to get me fired from a job. I cut them out of my life right then and there. She lied to my face and I was not going to let it happen again. I was "happy" in that I looked past all the things that really were red flags. Behaviors I didn't accept in myself I had accepted in someone else. I wanted her to think I was important and would do anything for that.

Then yesterday, a friend from college found me on FB. I haven't talked to her in probably 8 years. I have no desire to be her friend. It has nothing to do with anything she did to me. She just represents me trying to be someone else. I realized I was friends with her because I wanted to be her. She has pretty red hair and blue eyes, had a boyfriend, was talented, and had tons of friends. I thought my ethnicity was ugly, and everything I had and was, was the opposite of her. I dyed my hair red and stayed out of the sun to be as pale as possible. I went to her parties and acted wildly like she did at parties. I got drunk a lot because she got drunk a lot. Since then, I've stopped trying to do that. I've understood my internalized racism and am more accepting of who I am and my history, and my family's history. I am trying to recover much about my my family's history but my grandparents and parents were pretty mum about it with their own internalized racism. My sisters who looked whiter were treated better in our family. I am introverted and drinking makes me feel very sick, and I actually don't like partying or acting wild. I've moved off in a different direction and working on my own path. I realized yesterday that I have no desire to be her or be anything like her, and nothing about her or even being friends with her appeals to me in any way.

The thing is, there's guilt about turning away these people. And it's not guilt I actively feel but seems inherited or automatic. I KNOW that if I don't want to be friends with people I don't need to and I don't need to feel guilty or lead them on out of pity like how my ex-friends did. I don't feel the need to explain myself or go out of my way to be what they want. I don't fit in those molds anymore and I actually never did.

I said that I forgave them and asked their spirit for forgiveness, and said I no longer needed them and hoped they no longer needed me, and recognized my boundaries and true feelings, and plan to honor them.

Just thought I'd share.

Originally Posted by ragdoll

The thing is, there's guilt about turning away these people. And it's not guilt I actively feel but seems inherited or automatic. I KNOW that if I don't want to be friends with people I don't need to and I don't need to feel guilty or lead them on out of pity like how my ex-friends did. I don't feel the need to explain myself or go out of my way to be what they want. I don't fit in those molds anymore and I actually never did.

Absolutely. No guilt. We all change. Much as we'd like the contrary, relationships no matter how deep or slight are never static. We move on, converge and diverge as experiences fill our lives. Attempting to recapture bygone feelings is pretty useless. Nostalgia and memories are all we can rest on but thinking one can take up where one left off is a pipe dream almost always.

However, it's always good to leave the gate open in case those from the past do converge again (without prompting based on that past). Try to bury hostilities while still being wary of those who've offended so you can stay friends in a basic sort of way,

I said that I forgave them and asked their spirit for forgiveness, and said I no longer needed them and hoped they no longer needed me, and recognized my boundaries and true feelings, and plan to honor them.

Just thought I'd share.

No guilt in that, nothing to forgive but a nice way to think about it. It's how it is.

♥

[Delsol]

Thank you for sharing, ragdoll - so beautifully written and lived.

[PlatitudePluto]

Eh, that's Facebook...

[shoni7510]

Sometimes the people that we love are the ones who hurt us the most. Your friends were not nice to you but you have realized that and stayed away from them and stopped trying to imitate them. Just stick to your resolve and you will find new friends who respect you since you now have your boundries in place.

[ragdoll]

Lol it wasn't facebook...

Like one was but not the others. I haven't talked to that guy or his wife in years and he could have talked at any time between then.

[ragdoll]

Here's a new one. I just LITERALLY just now got contacted on FB by a guy who


I can't even say it what he did.

Basically, I am angry at him because he took advantage of me, and he was very abusive. I am angry at myself because I made a decision that put me in that situation because I believed that's what I deserved. I am frustrated because he is a symbol of everything that the universe has given me up until now, and I no longer want it. I didn't know what the situation was at the time (and his decision I could never change, he did that on his own and I know that is not my fault). I am angry because I know now that I deserved better and at the time I knew that deep in my soul but didn't listen to myself or even know how to make that a reality.

And I am angry because I still don't know how to make that a reality and I have tried very very hard! I feel like I am pushing up against a brick wall!

I blocked him and won't talk to him. But I want to call him out for what he is. I want to take back my power but I don't know if that's the right way. I don't know what to do.

[ragdoll]

Alright so I calmed down. I blocked him and read a blog entry of someone who talked about how it's our choice to respond. I think blocking him was the correct response. Anything better would be to do nothing but on the internet you do have to think about your personal safety. I'm not afraid of him. I think the reaction was the old me reacting. This is the gist of what he had said:

Him: I want to apologize for my bad behavior when I was younger. Remember when this and this happened?

-Block-

Him: Thats what I get for trying to be a better person? A block? You can't even respond?


No. I won't. Because I don't owe him a response, and I do not owe him anything. His apology is not for me but for him. I realize as I type this that I have moved on from this situation.

There's still a part of me who wants to respond in anger and call him names, true names, and tell him to never contact me again. But I think that just gives him validation to his attention seeking. I never mattered to him and I don't now and I don't owe anyone like that anything from me ever.

I deserved better but didn't know it, but I know it now!

[ragdoll]

OK update: two nights ago I had a car problem. It was enough to make me go to the dealership and drop it off. I would not have had to go if this small but annoying car problem didn't persist. Well I get there and wait for the guy to do his thing typing up my stuff and a lady walks in and stares at me. I ignored her because I didn't know who she was but she stared more then said my name. I said hi, do u know you? And she said yes, she was my best friend from kindergarten to 3rd grade. I didn't recognize her at all eve though I've seen her since 3rd grade. I felt bad for not recognizing her but she did not look like how I remembered. Or maybe I am becoming more and more skilled at moving past my past and the people and faces that kept me there.

She has a history that mirrors my own but different. Contentious parent relationship, sibling issues, but she has always lived at home and never finished college or had a career. I am fighting to finish college, I am transitioning careers, and am saving to move out again. I've lived on my own for a long time before. I couldn't help but think that I didn't want to end up like her...stuck at my parents house with no money and wanting to leave but can't because of manipulative behaviors (on both ends for her) and also lack of drive.

It was weird because just a few days prior I had been thinking who else is going to pop up? Well there you go. It's like life in review.

[dream jo]

yes i get it