Are unrequited feelings ever ok?

[SoulSista]

For 3 months I've been developing a friendship with and sleeping with a man (both of us 28 if that matters). From the offset we have shared great honesty and vulnerability, and although wildly different (me ENFP Pisces, him ISFP Leo) we seem to be gaining huge growth out of connecting with someone so vastly different to ourselves. The connection has become deep and the sex is beautiful.

There's just one small issue... I've developed strong romantic feelings, he has not. I'm very into him and would be with him, and although he cares deeply for me and has some love for me, it's just not that kind of feeling for him. He said he feels something, but it's not strong or overwhelming. We have discussed this multiple times, very frankly and openly, and yet we both always seem to want to continue spending time together and developing the friendship and sleeping together.

It's been a struggle over the last few weeks as I've navigated a confusing space between togetherness and well... not. But, I'm interested if there's any way to evolve beyond this.

WHY do we we want our feelings to be requited? What spiritual benefit does this provide, if nothing can be given or taken from us? Is the desire for requited love rooted in fear? Is it ever ok to be with someone who you know does not feel as strongly or the same as you do, and just willingly remain with it to at least experience the joys of the togetherness when you're together and the flutters of the feelings you feel within yourself? Why do they become less beautiful or exciting when they're not returned? Am I walking into a burning building by sticking with this or is there something to be gained?

Truly grateful for any responses. I think this is a really interesting and complex topic and I look forward to discussing this.

[SaturninePluto]

Hi,

SoulSista,

Very interesting and open discussion here.

I personally am at a different place than yourself, but by no means either judge or place blame in any way on the place you find yourself in, and I have a reason why which I will also attempt to get into.

First the place I am in seems to be in opposition to your experience in that at this time I am not having sex. First I am not with anybody. I have decided that at this time I will not be intimate with anybody unless both participants myself and another individual care for eachother passionately, with respect, and with mutual caring and kindness. I am also perfectly happy where I am at. Can it get lonely? Yes. Do I find myself wanting human affection? Yes. Do I respect myself and others? Yes.

Now this does not mean the place you are currently at is wrong either. Yes it is possible to care for someone in a different way and it still be beautiful. However, you must ask yourself if this is what you really want, To love and not have it reciprocated in quite the same way? Although yes it can be possible to achieve that kind of love, is it really what you want? To love and have a small sense of caring in return- although quite beautiful in its own right- or do you want that relationship that is mutually loving and caring, and produces the most astounding sense of love and respect which is mutual for both individuals.

The choice is yours. No one here or anywhere else is capable of making that choice for you.

Can what you are talking about be beautiful, yes. Can something mutually genuine and quite different also be beautiful? Yes. It is for you to decide which experience you want to have. Do realize though that if you give this man the benefit of the doubt and allow him to care for you in the certain way he does, that in the end and IF it ends and fails- realize you went in knowing exactly how he felt, and that no one is to blame if your expectations are not met.

Either scenario you choose, I wish you the best in your life and your individual path.

And, your life choices are entirely yours- forge ahead with joy.

[wstein]

Unrequited feelings are always OK. In a sense ALL feelings are unrequited other then by fortuitous circumstance.

You can't control another's feelings. Its not reasonable or beneficial to try to stamp out your own feelings. This includes when we might not want those feelings.

It's obviously difficult when you want requited feelings but the other person is not reciprocating. Keep in mind that they likely have little control over their feelings. Be mindful that other's feelings do NOT develop at the same rate as your own. Someone has to be 'first' and for a period of time have unrequited feelings.

Assuming you want or need requited feelings, this leaves a period of time where you are waiting to see if those feelings will develop. Its a vulnerable time which tends to engender impatience. For psychological health at some point one must decide those return feelings are not going to be forthcoming. If one gets to this point, they need to move on and find what they need/want elsewhere. Somewhat difficult is whether or not the object of your unrequited feelings can remain in your life without disrupting that moving on. In the case of lovers, that is often not the case :(

Note this is NOT the same as when the other person has those feelings but is unable or unwilling to express them. Its just as frustrating of course. It might be fixable if the only impediment is their lack of emotional development. Wanting feelings from someone who is not in a situation to express them (like they already have a romantic partner other than you) is a problem if you pursue trying to forcibly change the situation to 'free' them up.

[In Flux]

Hi SoulSista, I don't have any answers, but I recognize this feeling of walking on shifting ground, there is something very confusing about romantic love. I'm in a confused state myself (even though I am not in love with anyone), and the best strategy I can find right now is to meditate. Meditation feels a bit unusual because I am more used to meditating when things seem stable, and now it feels more like meditating on a big ship that is moving up and down with the waves. Maybe trying to ground yourself as good as possible is helpful in your situation too.

[CrystalSong]

Hello SoulSista, I'm in something of a similar situation, though the other person love's me as deeply as he CAN, maybe as much as they have ever loved anyone before, it is not the depth which I was am accustomed to, nor expressed in romantic ways at all, nor even outwardly acknowledged.

This has very much been a trial for me at times. Yet Spirit continues to guide me to continue with this course as there is much learning in it for both of us connected with our individual paths.

It has caused me to shift away from needing to see myself reflected in another person, he is not the mirror my ego so desperately wants. He is 100% accepting of me and himself, something extremely unusual in humans. He doesn't need me - not at all.
He is fully contained within himself, has no insecurities which I can balance out for him, nor does he know what to do when I express any - he just holds space and listens, offering nothing, saying nothing.
Conversations about 'us' have completely ended as they are totally one-sided. It's like talking to a wall - no feedback. Nothing, Nadda, ziltch.

This has forced me to stop needing him emotionally, to not need affirmations or validations and instead to become more self reliant, more self filling. I give myself the love ego wants to feel validated and don't seek it from him. My friendships with others have become deeper, social life more rich and varied, my life more about following whatever my interest is than waiting on him hand and foot.
It is breaking all co-dependent issues I'd developed during 20 years of a deeply enmeshed co-dependency in a marriage with a soul mate.
I'm with someone now who is not the other half of me, I have to be a Whole me.
I'm forced to become the Lover of me. This is right for my Path right now, it is a time of great healing and rewiring of my brain.

Is your Path and your situation right for you? Is there much greater learning and growth in it for you? Or is it a form of self abuse to be with someone who seems to be just passing time with you till something else comes along? Dig deep inside, talk with your higher self, why are you in this situation, does it serve you and if so in what ways?

[7luminaries]

He doesn't need me - not at all.
He is fully contained within himself, has no insecurities which I can balance out for him

This is basically how I have felt about every man I've met on the ground. I have to simply wait and see how we interact slowly, over time, in order to see if I develop a respect and a friendship, a liking of them as a person. Only then would I even feel remotely interested in them sexually. Only once there is an emotional connection and a deep respect for me as a person.

I don't respond to compliments about my appearance, hahaha. Except to say thank you, of course, if it seems courteous and/or sincere.
I don't respond to manipulations or probings, unless I feel there is anything of value to be discussed. I don't respond positively to attempts to bait me or argue and I don't respond well to any talking down of the ex(es), LOL. Basically, I only respond to genuine engagement and some conversation. They bring who they are and I do likewise.

The potential problem comes when you have a relationship of mutual friendship or partnership and one or the other refuses to engage. If someone refuses to engage with me even minimally on a personal level about things that are important or key, I certainly wouldn't sleep with them, LOL. And I can't say they'd be a really close friend either.

Sometimes it is just a total extroversion and simple innocence, as in nothing to say because they don't reflect.
But most of the time, if a gent has nothing to say, it's because he's not willing to invest time or effort in talking to you or in being genuine.

I find that 99% of men will make the effort if they are genuine, even if they are not used to being asked questions or having a real conversation.
It's a measure of deep courtesy to ask after another's thoughts and actually give a damn.
And I would make the effort too, as a rule, purely out of respect and civility...unless I find them rude or tiresome, LOL

It's the level of effort we need to make for one another

Peace & blessings
7L

[7luminaries]

He doesn't need me - not at all.
He is fully contained within himself, has no insecurities which I can balance out for him

This is basically how I have felt about every man I've met on the ground.
I have to simply wait and see how we interact slowly, over time, in order to see if I develop a respect and a friendship, a liking of them as a person.

Only then would I even feel remotely interested in them sexually -- and as you know, it's not a guaranteed thing. But only once there is an emotional connection and a total respect for me as a person and as a friend, might something more ever develop.

I don't respond to game or to compliments about my appearance, hahaha. Except to say thank you, of course, if it seems courteous and/or sincere.
I don't respond to manipulations or probings, unless I feel there is anything of value to be discussed. I don't respond positively to crude attempts to bait me or argue,
and I don't respond well to any talking down of the ex(es), LOL.
Basically, I only respond to genuine engagement and some conversation. They bring who they are and I do likewise.

The potential problem comes when you have a relationship of mutual friendship or partnership and one or the other refuses to engage. If someone refuses to engage with me even minimally on a personal level about things that are important or key, I certainly wouldn't sleep with them, LOL. And I can't say they'd be a really close friend either.

Sometimes it is just a total extroversion and simple innocence, as in nothing to say because they don't reflect.
But most of the time, if a gent has nothing to say, it's because he's not willing to invest time or effort in talking to you or in being genuine.

I find that 99% of men will make the effort if they are genuine, even if they are not used to being asked questions or having a real conversation. It's a measure of deep courtesy to ask after another's thoughts and actually give a damn. And I would make the effort too, as a rule, purely out of respect and civility...unless I find them rude or tiresome, LOL

It's the level of effort we need to make for one another.

Peace & blessings
7L

[7luminaries]

To the OP's question...personally, I would never have sex with someone who didn't feel a deep and authentic love for me as a partner.
If instead they simply felt a deep and authentic love in friendship for me, then that's also a beautiful thing-- and that's where I would meet them. In friendship

Moreover, IMO...if you continue as you are, you may very well find yourself feeling contempt and loathing for him down the road for treating you essentially as a friend with benefits.
At some point, you may not even care to maintain the friendship, having lost too much respect for him as a person, and you may just want to be shod of him. In which case the friendship is lost.

If you value his friendship, then I would consider meeting him where he is sooner rather than later. As a friend
Otherwise, you may not even care and worse, you may come to hate or loathe him, along with any anger you may feel toward yourself for participating in this arrangement.

Peace & blessings
7L