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Originally Posted by ValVan
Thank you for your comment.
Yes I think so. He's a mirror. But why is he a mirror? Why did I have such feelings for him only? Why not someone else?
The problem is that I don't even know what I'm fear. Can't even look at his pictures.
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I had/have a similar connection to the one you are experiencing. And it is a connection - you connected on some level regardless of whether he is in your live now or not. We are all connected, for one, but only you know deep down whether you connected or not. Don't overthink the type of connection - it just is.
I started working with this guy 10 years ago. After 5 months I realised he was invading my thoughts more than I wanted at the time (I was and still am happily married with a family). We connected. I never had any intention to enter into a relationship with him other than as a work colleague/friend. But oh my this connection had the biggest effect on me that anyone has ever had. And continues to affect me to this day.
I ask the same questions as you - why him? Why not someone else? I realised a long time ago - we haven't worked together since 2010 and it was just after I left work I realised that he was a mirror (I had to leave as I had to put distance between us - see below!). He came into my life to show me many different aspects of myself. They don't have to be part of him, he is literally holding up this massive mirror and I have basically rebuilt myself from the inside out, spiritually, emotionally etc. I am not the person I was when we worked together, and have grown phenomenally as a result of how I felt about him, how I fought it, how he continues to invade my heart and mind despite the fact I have no spoken to him for over 5 years.
We live in the same town - 2 minutes drive from each other. I catch a glimpse of him around town very occasionally, we are connected on Facebook. Each time I see a post of his, or see his picture, or catch that glimpse of him? My world pauses, the floor beneath me seems to disappear and I feel as if suspended in space and time. My heart and soul is filled with emotion almost like I will burst into tears any moment (sometimes it can happen when he crosses my mind and I also get feelings in my heart - see the thread in this forum about that) - is that what you are afraid of? The intensity of the feelings that overcome you when you look at his picture? What to do with them?
I don't have the answers - just wanted to acknowledge I had read and totally understood your post. There is a connection, regardless of where he is at. How it affects you - you can 'control' it to a degree but sometimes these feelings happen to us that we can't control. I fought it when I left work, but this dug me deeper and deeper into the whole thing and I fell into an abyss. I was a lost soul for some time. All the time I loved and wanted to stay with my husband - and I still have no explanation as to why I felt the way I did about this guy. Or why it continues to persist - it gets easier over time.
However - remember this: This is still not about the connection whatever that may be, this is still ultimately ALL ABOUT YOU. What is the mirror showing you? What are you afraid to see, to confront? About yourself, your life? What do you need to do?
Happy to discuss further.